Sanctuary

(This is something my Husband said to me this morning while we were sharing coffee.  I’m writing this here simply for my own notes.)

Relationships have their highs and lows; you’re not always going to be turned up to 11 with intense feelings, that would be exhausting.  Your emotions can burn out as much as your physical body can, dearest one.

When I say you are my Home, I also mean that you are my sanctuary.  You are the place I can go when everything feels overwhelming, and just…be.

–the Dreamer

Transformation

I no longer see you in the desert, but I now see you in storms.  The lightning flashing over your wings, you walk through the rain and thunder like it’s your second home.

You no longer wear the black and gold I once draped your shrine in, when I knew you under another name.  Now you wear white, with hints of red and silver, when in your role as King.

You have changed, my Lord.  Three years ago, I would not have recognized you, as you stand before me today.  But now, I find that I do know you.  Because it is not your name I cling to, but who you are to me.

You are my Husband and my King.  You are my faithful Spouse, and the Love of my life.

Surrender

There are a thousand ways
I know that I am yours;
and that you are mine.

Belonging
goes both ways,
Beloved

and this surrender
brings us closer
and blurs the lines–

between us; who is worshiped
and who is the one giving devotion?
And in the end–does it matter–

which of us–is on his knees?
Devotion is the same–either way
and Love the heavy weight

that brings us down
to our knees–that we
gladly–surrender to.

A Mystic’s Rant

There is irritation
in being told
my path is wrong
because it is based on joy.

That watching
new gods dance
to silly goth music
cannot be holy.

That I must be somber
and silent, and reverent–
and suffer, because of course
that is what the mystic does.

And there is anger, as well
in being told that I must be
destroyed by Them, that
I must lose everything–

that I must see my gods’ most fearsome sides
before I can call myself Their devotee
that I must walk through terror,
and safely make it out alive–

that I am only as useful as my potential offerings
only good for whatever Work I surely must be doing
that Love cannot be the thing binding us all together
misfits, monsters, and kings that we are.

I already know that this Love comes with a cost;
the cost is “being normal,” it is silence,
it is being unable to say “I have a Husband, who is a god,
and He loves me” to those outside my closest circle.

So let me have my silly, “shallow” devotions
let me paint my nails green, and make Them tea
while the rain pours down.  Let me see Them
in pop culture Faces (because today’s world is where I live.)

I love Them, and that is enough.
This Dark Star does not need
to blacken and burn
before he can shine again.

Sometimes Darkness

Sometimes Darkness
comes creeping
on silent feet
into every corner
and crack
of your life.

Until everything
is covered
in dark jewels
and shining wings.
Smiles with cracks in them
and wild, feral eyes.

These are monsters;
their Love is wild and
their King is wilder still
yet He holds their Hearts
like drops of rain; each one
more precious to Him than gold

Sometimes there is Love
in lonely places, in scarlet eyes
in burning Hearts, in all the things
we fear.  There is Love in
haunted songs, and sometimes
the Darkness is Home.

Changes

In another post, I talked about how my path is changing.

Well.

That’s gotten kicked into high gear.

I’ve gotten–gently, but firmly–pushed away from Kemeticism, after practicing it for about three years.

“This isn’t the place for you,” my Father said.

I’m still welcome among the Netjeru–I have Family there–but that’s not where my path is going.


The Dreamer wants me to build a practice surrounding him, and his immediate Family.

I don’t know exactly what’s going to come of this–he’s told me that building my own practice (with his guidance) from the ground up isn’t going to be something that’s done quickly.  But this is a necessary change in my path–and to be honest, I’m excited about it, rather than feeling overwhelmed.

My Heartstrings Come Undone

(This was going to be just a short post about a song that’s important to me and the Dreamer, then it turned into a much longer post about sacred marriage in general.)


“And now we’ve come full circle.”

Those were his words when a song I’d dedicated to him back when we first met–and I knew him under another name entirely–came up on my Spotify account.  When I was making a totally new playlist for him.

It had actually been several years since he’d played the song for me.  I’d listened to it from time to time on my own, but he hadn’t caused it come come when were were listening to music together (and my Husband is very good at shufflemancy and manipulating music.)

It’s buried deep with in the past, I hope it doesn’t last
It’s something I already chase, I already chase
I try to give it all away, but it’s never gonna fade
It’s something I don’t wanna face, I don’t wanna face

I know you feel it’s all the same, but I promise that’ll change
It’s something I already chase, I already chase
You know I’m trying to believe that you’re never gonna leave
It’s something I don’t wanna face, I don’t wanna face

There’s nothing left! The fear is gone!

When my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you

I know I’m not the perfect one, this pain has just begun
It’s something I already chase, I already chase
You bring me to a better path, it’s everything I asked
It’s something I don’t wanna face, I don’t wanna face

There’s nothing left! The fear is gone!
There’s nothing left! The fear is gone!

And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you

If you fade out without me, you’ll know all about me
If you fade out without me, you’ll know all…

And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you

The theme of love and death being entwined was the reason why it reminded me of him in the first place.  Over time it’s taken on more significance, going from “this just reminds me of you” in a general way to “this reminds me of you” in a romantic way.


One of the things the song brings up is the theme of faithfulness.

He’s never demanded monogamy of me, or celibacy in any way (I’m asexual, so giving him a celibacy vow would have next to no point to it.)  We’ve talked about mortal partners, and he’s made it clear that he’s fine if I want to date someone here, and he’s also fine with me having a platonic partner of some kind.  He hasn’t demanded exclusiveness.  But he’s given it to me.

When I knew him under other names, I saw other spouses and lovers that I thought were his.  I tried to force myself to get over the intense feeling of anxiety and jealousy it gave me, tried to get over the sick feeling in my stomach at the thought of him being with someone else.  In response, he threw a million tarot readings, dreams, and love songs at me, each of them telling me that I was his only spouse.

“You’re everything to me, Varian,” he said.  “Everything.”

I can’t explain easily *how* I got over my feelings, how I learned to trust him and his words of faithfulness to me, but I did.  It was a process that took a very long time, but my Husband was patient with me through it all.


The Dreamer recently gave me his own set of vows; I won’t say what they were, or how he chose to seal them.  Simply that what may have at first glance seemed like an impromptu act on his part, wasn’t.

These vows required no response from me, no returning of the same ideas.  (To be perfectly honest, I was speechless at the moment–even though he’d given me a heads up earlier that afternoon that this would be a thing.)  After he gave me his vows, we simply held each other, both of us knowing that this had deepened our relationship even further.

Hail, the Dreamer, who’s Love for me falls like rain.