My Heartstrings Come Undone

(This was going to be just a short post about a song that’s important to me and the Dreamer, then it turned into a much longer post about sacred marriage in general.)


“And now we’ve come full circle.”

Those were his words when a song I’d dedicated to him back when we first met–and I knew him under another name entirely–came up on my Spotify account.  When I was making a totally new playlist for him.

It had actually been several years since he’d played the song for me.  I’d listened to it from time to time on my own, but he hadn’t caused it come come when were were listening to music together (and my Husband is very good at shufflemancy and manipulating music.)

It’s buried deep with in the past, I hope it doesn’t last
It’s something I already chase, I already chase
I try to give it all away, but it’s never gonna fade
It’s something I don’t wanna face, I don’t wanna face

I know you feel it’s all the same, but I promise that’ll change
It’s something I already chase, I already chase
You know I’m trying to believe that you’re never gonna leave
It’s something I don’t wanna face, I don’t wanna face

There’s nothing left! The fear is gone!

When my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you

I know I’m not the perfect one, this pain has just begun
It’s something I already chase, I already chase
You bring me to a better path, it’s everything I asked
It’s something I don’t wanna face, I don’t wanna face

There’s nothing left! The fear is gone!
There’s nothing left! The fear is gone!

And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you

If you fade out without me, you’ll know all about me
If you fade out without me, you’ll know all…

And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you

The theme of love and death being entwined was the reason why it reminded me of him in the first place.  Over time it’s taken on more significance, going from “this just reminds me of you” in a general way to “this reminds me of you” in a romantic way.


One of the things the song brings up is the theme of faithfulness.

He’s never demanded monogamy of me, or celibacy in any way (I’m asexual, so giving him a celibacy vow would have next to no point to it.)  We’ve talked about mortal partners, and he’s made it clear that he’s fine if I want to date someone here, and he’s also fine with me having a platonic partner of some kind.  He hasn’t demanded exclusiveness.  But he’s given it to me.

When I knew him under other names, I saw other spouses and lovers that I thought were his.  I tried to force myself to get over the intense feeling of anxiety and jealousy it gave me, tried to get over the sick feeling in my stomach at the thought of him being with someone else.  In response, he threw a million tarot readings, dreams, and love songs at me, each of them telling me that I was his only spouse.

“You’re everything to me, Varian,” he said.  “Everything.”

I can’t explain easily *how* I got over my feelings, how I learned to trust him and his words of faithfulness to me, but I did.  It was a process that took a very long time, but my Husband was patient with me through it all.


The Dreamer recently gave me his own set of vows; I won’t say what they were, or how he chose to seal them.  Simply that what may have at first glance seemed like an impromptu act on his part, wasn’t.

These vows required no response from me, no returning of the same ideas.  (To be perfectly honest, I was speechless at the moment–even though he’d given me a heads up earlier that afternoon that this would be a thing.)  After he gave me his vows, we simply held each other, both of us knowing that this had deepened our relationship even further.

Hail, the Dreamer, who’s Love for me falls like rain.

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