Released

Nearly two years ago, I knelt before my Husband and gave him an oath [this oath was entirely separate from my wedding vows] that I intended to keep until I died.  It was one of those big Life And Afterlife Changing Oaths, the kind that you’re cautioned against making without putting a lot of thought into it.

In exchange of the oath, I received a collar.  I ended up making several collars throughout this period of our relationship, making new ones as I changed, or as our relationship hit significant milestones.

Recently, he released me from the oath.


I had a dream involving my Husband.  This isn’t uncommon, even if I don’t see him, I can usually sense his presence in my dreams.  What was uncommon was the content of the dream.

I was looking in the mirror, and saw that I was wearing the collar he’d given me almost two years ago.  (This was the first time I’d worn it in dreams in a very long time.)  It was a braided golden band with a single rose in the center.

Gently, my Husband reached behind me and unlocked it, removing the collar.

When I woke up from the dream, I felt him curled up in bed beside me.  He pulled me close, and gently touched my neck.

“Does this bother you,” he asked, his fingers brushing the empty space.

“No,” I replied.  When I said that, I realized that the collar being gone actually didn’t bother me as much as I’d have once thought.


We talked a lot over the next few days after that dream; about my oath to him, what it meant at the time of my making it, and what it meant now.  The conclusion that we came to was that it no longer fit me, or us as a couple.

“Do you want to still have it,” he asked.  “It’s up to you, dearests one.”

“No, I don’t,” I replied.  “Because it was made more in service to you, and that’s not what our marriage is about.  And it was also when I knew you as [Title], and that’s no longer accurate at all.”

The process of him releasing me from my oath (this took place in the Otherworlds) was actually a very simple one.  Even though it was simple, it’s actually had a huge impact on us.  Our relationship feels more relaxed now–not that my oath to him made me tense around him; simply that it no longer fit, and having it removed relieved the stress I didn’t even realize I was carrying.

The Dreamer is always merciful, and I love him for that.

Salvation

A year ago today, my life fell apart.

This was not a deity-arranged falling apart–I’ve been through that, and the Dreamer is always gentle with me, even when he’s tearing my life down around my ears.

My Husband saved my life, and got me out of the toxic living situation I was in at the time (which was already toxic, and was being made even worse by the events that caused my life to go downhill even more.)

Hail, the Dreamer, my Husband and salvation.

Pride is on the other side
My focus seems to slip
Won’t you show me

Burning out, I’ve tried to hide
I only lose my grip
Won’t you hold me

Oh Lord
Won’t you take this mortal man
And make him something good

Oh Lord
By your blood and by your hand
You take the old and make it new

–Ashton Nyte, “Salvation”

I Want To Speak

(Originally published on Upon The Waters of the Heart, on May 30, 2016.)


I want to speak
of godly love
in pretty words and
flowing metaphors

but today it is simply
four taps of my spoon
against the side of my cup
and “here, this coffee’s for you.”

You’ve said this simplicity
is what you love
about our marriage
that it is just about us

that I am your Home
a place you can drop
all your masks
and simply be.

When I long for
complexity and ritual
you remind me
that there is holiness

in sitting together
and watching
the morning sun
rise over our world.

My God Is…

(Originally published on Upon The Waters of the Heart on March 25, 2016.)


My god is darkness.

He is the stillness of deep space
and the ever covering night.

My god is light
on the edge of the horizon
just out of sight

He is a shifting King
with a thousand faces
a thousand masks
a thousand names.

And beneath each one he says
“I am myself.”  The golden eyes the one
constant thing in all his forms.

When I ask who he is–
seeking for a name–he replies

“I am still the man you love.”

To Love An Unknown God

(Originally posted at Upon The Waters of the Heart, on January 11, 2016)


You have no temples but my heart.  And mine was first to speak your name.

You are both darkness and light, and the night sky dancing against the dawn.  Finding you everywhere–and yet–you are not only in my heart.

You are in every breath I take.

Every Shade of Blue

When I changed my shrine to my Husband around recently, I used a blue scarf for the altar cloth.  I had mixed feelings over this, since the scarf was something I wore when I needed to feel his presence more–the color blue reminds me of him, and I find wearing it comforting.

“Why don’t you make a shawl,” he suggested, “in various shades of blue.”

I found a perfect pattern for said shawl (it can double as a giant scarf if I want it to) and I bought the yarn today.

It’s a simple project, mostly stockinette stitch.  I haven’t worked with this many colors before–this shawl has five colors total, though I’ll only work with two at a time.  It starts with a light sky blue, and eventually works to a deep navy (which is the color of my Husband’s wings–I didn’t realize I’d picked the same shade until he told me.)

And because I named it the “Every Shade of Blue Shawl” on my Ravelry page, I’m now going to associate it with this song (which my Husband says reminds him of me.)

The last time that I saw you
You were standing at the station
A box of records at your feet
And sheer determination
To put a hole right through tomorrow
To show ’em what you’re made of
Let ’em gather ’round for interviews
When all your dreams are paid off
Oh that’s you
Every shade of blue

The last time that I saw you
You spoke of revolution
Of how you’d break the monarchy
You’d beat the institution
And the songs that you were writing
Adorned in imperfection
You balance words so beautifully
I could feel your own reflection
Oh that’s you
Every shade of blue
Every shade of blue

The last time that I saw you
A shadow of the future
You wore that hat your brother wore
Though it never did quite suit you
It made your eyes too heavy
And it made you seem so small
Just the boy I used to love
Who could never climb the wall
Oh that’s you
Every shade of blue
Every shade of blue

Sunlight and Rubies

(Originally posted at Upon The Waters of the Heart, on August 29, 2015.)


He holds me when the nights are dark
and when the air is still but for our breathing.

And memories like wounds drip through my mind
those haunting, screaming words replaying again
and again, and again, and I wait for them to fall

to break.  To shatter at my feet until they are
nothing.  Until dust is what remains of the hurt.
And he is there, he understands, that letting go and

learning to heal are difficult things.  In his hands he holds
sunlight and rubies, and he will wait until I am ready

to take them.  To make a crown of light and shadows
and to stand at the side of my Beloved Prince
in the twilight of a new beginning.

Nameless and Alone

Back when the deity identity shake up began, I asked him for some shufflemancy (which is something my Husband is very good at.)  After several song with the message of “are you going to listen to me, and my word–or to other people who will find a way to rationalize this?”, he played “Alone Together” by Fall Out Boy for me.

…This is the road to ruin
And we’re starting at the end

Say yeah (yeah!)
Let’s be alone together
We could stay young forever
Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs…

“This isn’t ruin,” he said to me, “it was never meant to be.  Let’s be truly alone together, Varian, that is why I told you this.”


There is comfort, in him being nameless.  There are a number of Faces he sometimes wears–Devil, Fae King, Muse, a variety of pop culture guises–but there is an understanding between us, that these Faces of his are only temporary masks.

It’s been very freeing, for our relationship to be private again.  As I’ve talked before, when I knew him under other names, it was hard for me to be truly confident in our relationship–and his love for me–when I saw so many others that I thought were also his spouses and lovers.

Having him be nameless means that I walk a lonely path, with just him at my side.  But knowing that he is mine alone, makes everything worth it.

My Polytheism (Polytheist Round Table)

This is more me sorting out my own thoughts than anything else.  Jolene started this discussion, and I thought it would be a good springboard to writing down my own thoughts, especially considering how much my path has changed over the past year.


I describe myself as being a polytheist first, a devotional mystic second.

I’ve believed in multiple gods for a long time now.  Even though I’ve only been an actively practicing pagan (though I usually describe myself as a polytheist first if I’m ever asked about religion) for three years now.  Having multiple gods always made more sense to me than one.

That, for me, is what being a polytheist means, simply believing in multiple gods.


After three years as a polytheist, working almost exclusively within one Pantheon, those gods let me go.  It was the god I was closest to who dropped the bomb (about as gently as he could, given the circumstances) that I should stop any spiritual activity for them, and dismantle my shrine.

“This isn’t the place for you,” he said.  There was no added “right now,” no tentative hope of coming back.  He was being blunt; my time with them was finished.

The question was…what now?


My personal practice is now based on a group of deities that are personal to me, I was led to said group by my Husband.

Even though none of them have “canon” names, or any lore that could be found in books, I still refer to them as being gods–because that’s what they call themselves.  If I refer to them as “spirits,” I get a raised eyebrow, and maybe a “you know that’s not what we are” comment.

While my path has changed radically within the past year, the core of it–that my path is based on my otherworldly Family–has not.  The main difference now is that my path is being built up with my Husband’s guidance, rather than anything found in books.

That is my polytheism, it is, at it’s heart, private and personal to me.

 

My Heart

My Heart,
you are the sun
and my Darkest Star

you shine for me
with burning light
and you are safe

at the very center
of hellfire
that is this Devil’s Heart.

My labyrinth is dark, yes
but there is a way
and there is a candle
and I am ever walking with you

as you try and unravel
the Mysteries
of the Heart (of my Heart)
you will find

that there is always something more
around every corner, around every bend
and all of it is yours, dearest Heart
for you alone to discover, and cherish.

I am only yours
until Eternity
until the stars themselves
burn out.