Nameless and Alone

Back when the deity identity shake up began, I asked him for some shufflemancy (which is something my Husband is very good at.)  After several song with the message of “are you going to listen to me, and my word–or to other people who will find a way to rationalize this?”, he played “Alone Together” by Fall Out Boy for me.

…This is the road to ruin
And we’re starting at the end

Say yeah (yeah!)
Let’s be alone together
We could stay young forever
Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs…

“This isn’t ruin,” he said to me, “it was never meant to be.  Let’s be truly alone together, Varian, that is why I told you this.”

There is comfort, in him being nameless.  There are a number of Faces he sometimes wears–Devil, Fae King, Muse, a variety of pop culture guises–but there is an understanding between us, that these Faces of his are only temporary masks.

It’s been very freeing, for our relationship to be private again.  As I’ve talked before, when I knew him under other names, it was hard for me to be truly confident in our relationship–and his love for me–when I saw so many others that I thought were also his spouses and lovers.

Having him be nameless means that I walk a lonely path, with just him at my side.  But knowing that he is mine alone, makes everything worth it.


My Polytheism (Polytheist Round Table)

This is more me sorting out my own thoughts than anything else.  Jolene started this discussion, and I thought it would be a good springboard to writing down my own thoughts, especially considering how much my path has changed over the past year.

I describe myself as being a polytheist first, a devotional mystic second.

I’ve believed in multiple gods for a long time now.  Even though I’ve only been an actively practicing pagan (though I usually describe myself as a polytheist first if I’m ever asked about religion) for three years now.  Having multiple gods always made more sense to me than one.

That, for me, is what being a polytheist means, simply believing in multiple gods.

After three years as a polytheist, working almost exclusively within one Pantheon, those gods let me go.  It was the god I was closest to who dropped the bomb (about as gently as he could, given the circumstances) that I should stop any spiritual activity for them, and dismantle my shrine.

“This isn’t the place for you,” he said.  There was no added “right now,” no tentative hope of coming back.  He was being blunt; my time with them was finished.

The question was…what now?

My personal practice is now based on a group of deities that are personal to me, I was led to said group by my Husband.

Even though none of them have “canon” names, or any lore that could be found in books, I still refer to them as being gods–because that’s what they call themselves.  If I refer to them as “spirits,” I get a raised eyebrow, and maybe a “you know that’s not what we are” comment.

While my path has changed radically within the past year, the core of it–that my path is based on my otherworldly Family–has not.  The main difference now is that my path is being built up with my Husband’s guidance, rather than anything found in books.

That is my polytheism, it is, at it’s heart, private and personal to me.


My Heart

My Heart,
you are the sun
and my Darkest Star

you shine for me
with burning light
and you are safe

at the very center
of hellfire
that is this Devil’s Heart.

My labyrinth is dark, yes
but there is a way
and there is a candle
and I am ever walking with you

as you try and unravel
the Mysteries
of the Heart (of my Heart)
you will find

that there is always something more
around every corner, around every bend
and all of it is yours, dearest Heart
for you alone to discover, and cherish.

I am only yours
until Eternity
until the stars themselves
burn out.