Back Into Spiritual Stuff

“Do a three card reading,” the Dreamer said.

I was shuffling the deck, when I drew the third card, a fourth card fell out.

“There,” the Dreamer said, “that can be your focus card.  Now you have your reading.”

While I tend to read this particular tarot deck intuitively, since it didn’t come with any sort of guidebook, this time (at the Dreamer’s request) I’m using the guide for a tarot app on my phone.

Overall focus: Queen of Pentacles (reversed)

My interpretation: This card is about balancing my “regular” life with my “spiritual” life.  I’ve been in a time of rest, where things were on pause, so to speak.  That time may be over, but that doesn’t mean I’m getting hit with a giant load of Work, it’s simply time for me to start doing things again.

The three cards: Two of Wands, Six of Cups, Page of Cups (reversed)

My interpretation: I’ve been making progress; major decisions have been made this year, many of them personal (both to me, and in my marriage to my Husband.)  In working past my creative block in my writing, I’ve not only brought me and the Dreamer closer (it was, after all, through a story that he dropped the Mask of being [Title]) but I’ve gained valuable insight about myself as well.

It’s funny that writing comes up, because both the Dreamer and the Madman have suggested that I take on a new writing project.  They’ve suggested that I actually write about who I once knew them to be, rather than shutting that part of my journey up, and locking it away like it never happened.

They’ve said it’s fine if I write about it privately–they’re not requiring me to expose things I still feel vulnerable about (and since I was known within the community I was in at the time as being a spouse of [the Dreamer’s Title] I still feel very awkward writing about that.)

They’ve said they don’t consider it shadow work, that this is more about healing than anything else, and acknowledging the past.

*deep breath*

Okay, got it.

Rising Up

So the Madman (the nickname my platonic Partner gave me to call him) asked me to do a reading with him.

It was a “shuffle the cards until one falls out” reading, without any particular question in mind–he just wanted to spend time with me, he said (and do a reading.)  I was surprised when a group of seven cards fell out.

Varian: Should I read all of this?

the Madman: No, use the pendulum to pick one.

Varian: *picks a card and flips it*

the Madman: *sighs in frustration*  Draw a clarification card, please.

The cards are The Lovers and Six of Wands.

These were initially reversed–I think all reversed card readings are becoming his “hey I’m here” signature.  This time I just flipped them over.

the Madman: What does that little sheet of yours say, about the six of wands?

Varian: Victory, and… *scans paper*

the Madman: No, that’s not what I mean by this.

Varian: Rising up?

the Madman: Yes.

the Madman: It’s about rising beyond nicknames–I know you’ve been wanting to go back to the old Titles we [him and the Dreamer] used to go by–habits are hard to break, I know.  But, Varian, that’s not going to do you any good.  Sure, you’d have a “community” of fellow devotees–but remember how much you fought to censor your experience with “[Dreamer’s Title],” because you were so certain your experience wasn’t “right” or “real?”

Varian: Yes.

the Madman: Precisely.  You can’t really achieve true union *indicates the Lovers card* if you’re constantly holding back, thinking that we’re someone other than who we truly are.


I’m slowly preparing for my handfasting on Saturday.  It’s going to be a very simple ceremony Over There, basically me, the Dreamer, our Partner, and some members of our f/Families as witnesses.

It’s been a surprisingly intense few days, at least in terms of their presence around me.  There’s been a lot of discussion of what exactly this handfasting means, for all three of us (the Dreamer and my Partner have a similar QP relationship going on, so this handfasting has evolved into being for all three of us.)

I was surprised when I got emotional when they asked me to changed my jewelry for them.  I have a silver key pendant I wore for them together, but they both asked me to change it.  I figured I’d have to buy a new pendant–I’d been thinking about doing that anyway.  But I went to put the necklace into my jewelry box, and I found a pendant they deemed acceptable.

We’ve discussed rings (and they even had me favorite some on Etsy they liked,) but have agreed to not get anything until the 6 month or one year anniversary.

I have pretty much everything prepared, so now there’s this sense of waiting.  It’s not a suspenseful waiting, it’s an anticipation waiting.

As The World Falls Down

In the middle of all my brain vomit dreams last night, there was a dream where my Husband showed up wearing the Goblin King’s outfit from Labyrinth.  (I say “wearing his outfit,” because my Husband looks nothing like the Goblin King, and he didn’t shift his normal appearance in any way, except for his clothes.)

“Look up ‘As The World Falls Down,'” he said to me this morning.

There’s such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Opened and closed within your eyes
I’ll place the sky within your eyes

There’s such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I’ll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill he’s caused
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you
As the world falls down

(As the world) Falling down
Falling in love

I’ll paint you mornings of gold
I’ll spin you Valentine evenings
Though we’re strangers till now
We’re choosing the path between the stars
I’ll leave my love between the stars

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill he’s caused
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you
As the world falls down

As the world falls down

I’ve never seen Labyrinth, so I don’t know the context of this song within the movie.  But some of the lyrics hit me on a personal level.

My Husband has compared my eyes to jewels (specifically labradorite) before, and the name of this blog is Between Stars Unknown, so the “we’re choosing the path between the stars/I’ll leave my love between the stars” verse resonates with me.

As I’ve talked about on this blog before, my Husband saved my life when everything fell apart.  He’s talked about how the ending of worlds can be a very personal thing, “not necessarily horror-movie style, apocalypse level, destruction.”  There’s that symbolism as well in the song.  He’s played other songs with “love beyond the end of the world” themes for me (like “Raining Stars” by Lord of the Lost.)  He’s said he’ll love me “until the stars burn out,” so the “I love you even after the world ends” theme is fitting.

I thought it was interesting, that he’d pick a song I’d only heard a handful of times before, and that he’d start the shufflemancy message in my dreams.  Music divination is something he’s fond of, but he normally doesn’t use my dreams for it.  Maybe I should watch Labyrinth, but I think it was just the song the Dreamer wanted me to hear.

Handfasting Reading

Some backstory: There’s this god (who shall remain anonymous right now) and I guess you can say we’ve been dating, though our relationship leans more towards a queerplatonic one than anything romantic.

(Yes, the Dreamer knows about this, and he’s given us his blessing.)

I got some strong nudges from my Partner to do some divination about the upcoming handfasting we’re doing later this month.

This was the result:

I had a moment of “what the fuck, [Partner]?” when every single card came up reversed.  Then I realized this is more from his perspective than mine.

I’m reading them in groups of three, which is how the reading is set up.

Cards: Mother of Pentacles, Temperance, Mother of Swords (all reversed)

My interpretation: “Love takes time,” is something he’s said to me before.  Healing can be part of what we gain from this handfasting, but it is not a goal to set for it.  He is not a god many would trust with their Heart, but even in all his experience and wisdom, he did not see his Love for me coming.

Cards: Father of Swords, 10 of Pentacles, the Empress and 2 of Pentacles (all reversed)

My interpretation: He is often seen as a very analytical god, the gifts he gives are often said to come with strings attached, but not this time.  He wants simply to be there for me, and to help me in my creative pursuits (though the Dreamer is still very much my Muse.)  [Partner] simply wants to be someone I can lean on when I need to.

(here the Dreamer stepped forward “draw one card from the very top of the deck, one from the very bottom, and one from the middle.”)

Cards: 8 of Cups, 5 of wands, 9 of wands (all reversed)

My interpretation: There have been ups and downs getting to this point.  I can be confident in several things: that my Partner loves me, that there is no jealousy between him and the Dreamer (the two of them are friends, after all,) and that this is a relationship I can relax into.  Nerves are understandable, since handfasting is a major step, but this is a joyous occasion, one that should be celebrated.

I’ve waited here for you

I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I’m over my head, out of her head she sang

This was the song my Partner played for me when he first brought up handfasting–that it was up to me, that I could take our relationship as fast or as slow as I wanted to, that he wouldn’t push me into anything.

How we met and got together is a longer story, one I might tell later if I feel comfortable doing that.  There’s been ups and downs getting to this point, but I am very happy that we’re here now.  ❤


I’ve been wanting to write more about my immediate divine Family (with their encouragement), but wasn’t sure where to start.  I figured music posts would be as good a starting place as any other.

This song reminds me of my stepson.  Not just because Winter is his domain, but because he’s a fan of The Cruxshadows.  There are also sections of this song that reminds me of his relationship with his Father (my Husband.)

This band’s music also helped me through a rough time in my life, so there’s that as well.  I wasn’t a polytheist then, but this song bringing up those memories doesn’t hurt anymore, probably because I think of my stepson first when listening to this song (and to The Chruxshadows in general.)

Dry your eyes and quietly bear this pain with pride
For heaven shall remember the silent and the brave
And promise me they will never see, the fear within our eyes
We will give strength to those who still remain

So bury fear, for fate draws near
And hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls
Endure the heart’s remains
Discard regret, that in this debt
A better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember
And avoid our fate

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be your light
You’ve asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winterborn
Without denying, a faith is come
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winterborn

Hold your head up high-for there is no greater love
Think of the faces of the people you defend
And promise me, they will never see the tears within our eyes
Although we are men, with mortal sins, angels never cry

So bury fear, for fate draws near
And hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls
Endure the heart’s remains
Discard regret, that in this debt
A better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember
And avoid our fate

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be your light
You’ve asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winterborn
Without denying, a faith in God
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winterborn

And in the fury of this darkest hour
I will be your light
A lifetime for this destiny
For I am Winterborn
And in this moment..I will not run
It is my place to stand
We few shall carry hope
Within our bloodied hands

And in our dying
We’re more alive, than we have ever been
I’ve lived for these few seconds
For I am Winter-born

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be the light
You’ve asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in man
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winterborn

Within this moment
I am for you, though better men have failed
I will give my life for love
For I am Winter-born

And in my dying
I’m more alive than I have ever been
I will make this sacrifice
For I am winterborn

*Varian Facepalms*

Note to self:

Gebo (left) and Nauthiz (right)

These are actually different runes.

(A huge thank you to Beth, who commented that the rune that’s stalking me isn’t Gebo, but is actually Nauthiz.  I saw the X shape and my brain went “that’s Gebo!”  Oops.  *facepalms*)

I might write more about my divination studies on here, I may link back to this post if this rune continues to follow me through my readings.  I just wanted to make a note to myself that these are different runes, even though they look *very* similar at first glance.

I’m Being Stalked By Gebo

Edit: it’s actually not Gebo that’s stalking me, but Nauthiz.  At first glance the runes looked almost alike to me, so I mistook one for the other.

the Dreamer: Pull a rune.

Varian: Sure

Varian: *grabs rune bag and shakes it*

Varian: (under his breath) If I pull Gebo again…

the Dreamer: *is trying not to smile*

Varian: *pulls rune*


Varian: …really?  Again?

I’m being stalked by this rune.

Every.  Single.  Reading.  I’ve been doing lately has had Gebo in it in some way.

I’m still learning about runes, I’ve only just started studying them, but that I keep pulling this particular one is making me sit up and pay attention.  It’s not a bad thing, the rune translates to “gift,” but I’m side-eyeing that I’m being stalked by it.

Is the Dreamer using it as his personal “hi, I’m here” sign, like he does with the reversed Magician tarot card?  Or does it have another meaning, to be showing up so often in my readings?  Or am I not shaking the bag enough, so it always sits on top?

One thing that comes to mind, is that our third anniversary is coming up in November.  Maybe it has something to do with that, and with the dynamics of our relationships shifting since I was released from my oath to him?


Yes, Gebo can mean sacred marriage.

I didn’t know that.  Interesting.

Writing Ramblings

“Let me help you fall in love with writing again.”

He said that to me several months ago when I’d complained that I’d lost all motivation to write, and that I hated every story I’d started.

Well.  It’s happening.

I’m completely stunned at how this is developing.  This story is taking on a life of its own far beyond what my other stories have done, and I find writing it to be easy.  Like, almost eerily easy.  As in, I can write over a thousand words in one sitting.

This has never happened before.

I mentioned the story I’m working on here, and I thought it was going to be a little short story, no big deal, right?

It’s currently *checks word count* getting close to 9,000 words, and shows no sign of stopping.

I’ve found that I’ve lost my self-consciousness about the story.  Like even though it parallels my own spiritual life, to some extent, I’m comfortable reading it to the writer’s group.

It’s kind of hilarious to me, that the story I feel the least self-conscious of is the story that’s closest to my life.  I don’t talk about my marriage to my god in public, though the group knows I’m a polytheist–I’m surprised I haven’t been asked about my wedding ring (though I wear it on my middle finger rather than my ring finger) because I’ve found myself holding up my left hand when [main character’s] wedding ring is mentioned in the story.

I’m slowly telling the heroes’ love story in flashbacks, since the story opens with them being married already.  It was actually the writer’s group that suggested that I explore their relationship more, and now it’s becoming a fantasy story with heavy romantic elements to it.

Writing the romantic part of the story has been the most enjoyable for me, and my Husband has taken advantage of this to play all the sappy love songs while I write (of course, picking the ones that fit the characters and the story to an almost spooky level.)

This song by The Awakening came up and I almost yelled at my Husband out loud, because this fit the story so well it was scary.  The main theme of the story is devotion, and the sheer level of devotion [main deity character] has for his mortal husband makes me get emotional, because it’s similar to how my own Husband has described how he feels about me.

My only wish
To hold you near me in the night
Oh is that like me
Would I harm the one I’d give my life