I Found


If I had to pick one song that sums up my relationships with my Beloveds, and our triad, it would be this one.  The three of us found love in a completely unexpected place–right in front of us.

QP Relationship Reading

This is one of the tarot spreads the Dreamer taught me.  It’s a three cards spread; cards one and two are for me and [whoever I’m reading about], and the third card is for the relationship overall.  I usually do this spread for deity relationships, since I’m not very comfortable doing tarot readings about other people in my life without their knowledge.


The Madman asked me to do a three-card relationship reading for us, using the Wild Unknown deck he’d claimed for divination purposes.

(And yes, these were initially all reversed again.  I’ve decided that all reversed tarot cards are his “yes I really am here for divination” sign.)

His card: 6 of Pentacles

My interpretation: This card speaks of generosity, of gifts yet to be given (which fits in with my last post.)  He does not give me gifts because he seeks my gratitude or worship–neither of my Beloveds wants to be my god to me–but simply because he loves me.  That the flowers on this card are not yet in bloom speaks of gifts that are still to be given, or plans that are coming to fruition.

My card: 2 of Pentacles

My interpretation: I’m learning to balance two rather intense deity relationships, though both are intense in different ways.  My two Beloveds bring balance to my life, just as I act as a focal point for them.

Our relationship: 10 of Wands

My interpretation: I’ve already accomplished much in my relationship with this Beloved of mine.  It’s nothing flashy or glamorous, and that’s okay.  He doesn’t want our relationship to be full of hard Work, or anything I’m reluctant to be in, simply that we love one another (and the Dreamer as well.)

Compassion And Grace

One thing the Madman is teaching me about is compassion–specifically, compassion and gentleness towards myself.  He’s helping me learn to love myself; not in any way that involves shadow work, but simply in learning to love myself even with all my flaws.

It’s not something we aim to work on–we don’t sit down with the intent to have a Help V. Get His Emotional Shit Together talk.  But this Beloved of mine has a way of knowing exactly what to say to help me when I need it.  (Writing this, I just remembered the reading I did in the days before our handfasting, which said that healing could be something that came from our relationship.  That makes me smile.)

Grace is a reoccurring theme in my relationship with the Madman.  It’s something I’ve started to notice in the songs he’s played for me, and in the peach roses he sends me–one of the meanings of peach roses is grace (along with sincerity.)

My relationship with the Madman doesn’t have nearly the level of intensity that my relationship with the Dreamer does.  Even though we’re very informal with one another, there’s a rawness and intensity to my relationship with the Dreamer that I find hard to put into words.

I haven’t posted many of my songs for the Madman, but this is one of them.  It captures our relationship–both our closeness, and also the gentleness that our relationship has.

Build me up from bones
Wrap me up in skin
Hold me close enough to breathe me in

The moon’s a fingernail
Scratching on the back
Of the night in which we lay beside

I held every inch of you
I wrote every line for you
I made time when time was all but gone
You’re the love I’ve always known

The night’s so dark and grey
But you’ve helped me find my way
Through the wild and wonders of this world

So take me with you now
I need to show you how
I can love you better than before

Play it sweet and low
We’ve got no where to go
I am yours and you’re the love I know

If Tonight

Trigger warning for a brief mention of suicide in this post.

When I started this series of devotional writing for my Beloveds, I meant to write more serious posts and poetry.  I did write some poems and serious posts, but many of my posts in this series have been based on music; either songs that remind me of them, or their songs for me.  But music has played a large part in our relationship getting to the point where it is now, so it seems appropriate.

This song has multiple meanings–it used to be one of my songs for the Dreamer, and it’s a song he and the Madman recently helped change my perspective of, something I’m very grateful for.

So long ago, the days when we first met
Two years have passed, so much has changed around us
In my life, you are a ray of light
Tonight if I should die hold my heart within your eyes
I still recall your face from so long ago
Two voices spoke of hope from a distant place
And still this day your eyes flow like the sea
When you are lost I will be there waiting for you

It was after my life fell apart, I was listening to this song, and the line of the chorus hit me hard (I was feeling suicidal at the time, since I was convinced that no one could love me):

“In my life, you are a ray of light
tonight if I should die, hold my heart within your eyes…”

The song–that line especially–is forever connected to that moment of my life.  It was a song that became almost tainted to me–I could acknowledge that it was pretty and that the lyrics were beautiful, but I couldn’t really enjoy it.

One day, over a year after all of that happened, I was sitting in the library at school, and this song came up on shuffle.

V: *goes to skip it*

the Madman: Put that on our playlist, the one for me and him [the Dreamer.]

V: *does so*

V: Why?

the Madman: Because I don’t want it to be a painful song for you to listen to anymore, dear friend.

So My Beloveds Are Both Deine Lakaien Fans….

The post title comes from me asking them for some inspiration, and they both picked songs by the same band.  It turns out the two songs worked really well together and inspired this post.

and the snows they don’t fall
where is still summertime
and the winds they don’t blow
where no bird will ever fly

mirrors maybe show you
when you see your face
so hard to believe how
you’ve changed
once a calm heart
but now filled with hate

This is one of those songs that reminds me of the stories they’ve told me about their shared past.  They haven’t always been as close as they are now; there’s been times when they argued and fought, even times when they were completely separated from one another.  But even as they’ve had ups and downs in their relationship, they always come back to one another.

Which brings me to the song the Dreamer picked….

Now my time has come
Return into the sun
Cause I’ve always been searching for you
If I win if I lose
No charge no excuse
All my wondering make sure my aims are true

When you hear me calling will you be there
When you see me falling will you be there

They always end up back in each other’s arms and Hearts, no matter how long they’ve been apart for.  The Madman has talked about how none of this is destiny or fate, simply that they love one another far more than words can say.

The Tree

There is a Tree in the section of the Otherworlds my Beloveds are from; it is not Yggdrasil, but it serves a similar purpose.  I’ve dreamed of it several times since the Madman stepped into my life.  The Madman himself actually hasn’t talked about the Tree and his sacrifice there–I’ve always seen it through my Husband’s memories and dreams.  (We share a mental and emotional link, which sometimes means we share dreams.)

Those memories and dreams…they’re incredibly dark, incredibly sad.  The past these two men share is a heavy thing to learn about.  Neither the Dreamer or the Madman talks about his past very often, and with good reason.

I know enough to have context, and the Dreamer has shown me some things so I can understand his Family better.  He’s slowly telling me more stories about his life before we met–he’s been alive for a very long time, and not all of his stories are happy ones.  He’s asked me to let him set the pace of telling his story–he’ll answer questions if I have them, but sometimes the answer is “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

“The darkest rooms of my Heart are not illuminating,” he once said to me–meaning that while yes, he will talk about his past if he wants to, it’s not something I should push him to talk about.

Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where a dead man called out
For his love to flee
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met at midnight
In the hanging tree

–Peter Hollens, “The Hanging Tree”