I mentioned this in another post, but the Madman has been doing some research on why [my “father”] is suddenly being so horrible to my Family, and on why the other [members of that Pantheon] (except for one) are being silent about this (or openly hostile when I’ve gone to them for help.) I also mentioned that the things he’s finding are horrifying, and there’s several layers of deceit and betrayal that we have to untangle (from both the past and present.)
I recently got some divination back, and it backs up what my Husband has been finding (it also backed up the past life reading I’d gotten from a different diviner.)
Actually knowing all this is really happening (it’s mostly happening Over There, but the emotional affect on me Here is very real,) and having a very solid idea of why this is happening…is something I have mixed feelings about.
There’s a bit of relief, because now we have answers.
The rest of my emotions are a mix of anger, sadness, and fear.
We also have the beginning steps of a plan on what to do next, and that feels good.
We have that, at least.
Hope is not a fleeting thing for you,
(it is something you learned from all of us
you learned of hope along with magic)
my son, Prince of Darkness and Light.
Three jewels adorn your Crown
one for each of your fathers,
a legacy of love and royalty.
Step up, young Sovereign,
but not into destiny; into
Stars and Winter, that liminal
space between Land and Void.
Whether you walk the Sea or Sky
know that we love you, that there will always
be a place for you and yours in our Hearts.
The Madman and I had previously talked about me writing about him during the month of July. He and I have agreed that it would be a good idea, so that’s going to happen here (and it’s a good distraction from how Everything Is (Figuratively) Exploding Over There.)
Slowly we begin to delve into the archives of time and memories and lives gone by.
And we see that the more we peel back, the more layers we find.
Betrayal upon betrayal.
How far back does this deceit and hatred go?
How much must my Family endure before it’s over?
I thought I was Done before.
I am Even More Done now.
This drama now involves three Pantheons (the third Pantheon being the Gods that are a step above my Husbands in their Realm.)
This sucks, especially since all divination I’ve done is pointing to waiting until the Dreamer gets back to take action.
I understand why we need him to be with us when we get this whole Mess solved; this affects him deeply as well. With his Job working the way it does in Summer, he can’t just say “there’s a Family emergency, I have to go.”
I’ve had my suspicions confirmed about all this blowing up when the Dreamer is gone being on purpose.
This isn’t any sort of Ordeal or trial, this is simply my so-called (deity) father being horrible to me and my Family, because he thinks it will make me go back to him and his Pantheon so I’ll fulfill my “destiny.”
There’s about a month and a half until the Dreamer returns.
I’m scared and exhausted.
I just want this to be over.
“Your normal meter is broken.”
That’s something the Madman said to me when my response was “yeah, whatever” when we were discussing how Current Drama Shenanigans are escalating. From the outside things look normal, from the inside things are tense as fuck.
I explained that my flippant response was because I’m scared, and he gets that. He’s also made it clear that what’s going on is not normal.
My Husband has been doing research of his own, about why [deity] is so desperate to get me back all of a sudden, and how Past Life/Current Life stuff ties all of this together. The things he’s uncovering are really, really awful.
It’s even worse when I start reading through The Lore about [deity], and some others within the same Pantheon…and it’s backing up that this bullshit is in character.
There is a sheet of wood in the basement with holes from throwing stars, and one you always carry with you, to remind you that I’m safe.
There is paint and herbs, alchemy and magic; your father gets lost in painting (I do not comment on how he is nearly out of red) a way to channel his rage without burning an entire Kingdom down in fury for what was done to me.
You have stuck to me like a shadow since I was brought home; you are a young teen now; old enough to understand what happened to the man both your fathers fell in love with, old enough to know I have no family now besides the three of you.
You sit at my side, your eyes so much like my own (and how my Heart would break when I’d see that shared shade of green in another life, but not knowing why) going from me, to your father, and back. To the red of his canvas, hints of gold and black; he has painted the fire he so wishes to burn; there is rage in his eyes when he sees how I am hurt, how I am healing.
Our lives should have been different (we should have been planning a wedding) with my coming here. But it was ruin that brought me here; ruin and jailbreak and long nights with the three of you surrounding me; at my side through the night for fear of me dying; for fear of me being stolen yet again.
Is there hope that our small Family will not be torn apart by rage and grief?
In moments like this I can feel it; a small flame flickering at the edges of our Hearts.