I started therapy today.
Before I went in, I got a message from my Beloveds–that they’ll be with me before and after the sessions, if I need them, but not during. I need that space to myself, need to process all my mental health issues by myself–for myself, not for them. I can take my prayer beads if I want to, just for something to hold in my hands while I talk, but…this is for me. This has nothing to do with being a better devotee, and everything to do with me, and my mental health.
This intentional fallow time has been…interesting, so far. I’ve had some weird as fuck dreams, but it’s a blend of random crap, and my brain processing everything that’s happened with the summer’s Otherworld Drama-fest. Nothing involving Otherworld related stuff in the Serious Things Are Happening Now sense–and that’s a major relief.
Something that’s happened, that’s taken me completely by surprise, is that the “cracks” in my head from sensing astral stuff…those “cracks” have closed up. If I try and reach out to the Otherworlds, I get a feeling like hitting…not a wall, it’s more like I hit the membrane between worlds, and it bounces back (gently throwing me back Here.)
I’ve been praying more often at my Husbands’ shrine at night, rather than reaching out during the day. Sometimes we talk, other times they just listen (or they tell me to go to sleep already.) I’ve found that if I try and reach out to them during the day, that I get the godphone version of their answering machines (which I understand, they’re busy with their Jobs.)
*Varian’s anxiety starts screaming that everything Over There is falling apart*
*Varian tells his anxiety to shut up, everything Over There is fine*
I was venting about mental health stuff one evening, and the Madman said something that made me pause.
“You were never taught about faith that ebbs and flows.”
He’s right, that I was taught that a person had to be “on fire” about their beliefs all the time, rather than having faith that’s not “on” and super intense all the time.
It’s okay for things to not be intense, I needed to be reminded of that.