Writing With J

When J first stepped back into my life, I got some outside divination about our relationship.  The reading (the cards, J’s comments, and that J kept sending the diviner love songs when asked about me) made it clear that he has romantic feelings for me.  Another thing the reading talked about was exploring our relationship and the feelings (both past and present) between us, but I wasn’t sure how to do that.

Today I found a journal that I had bought several years ago but hadn’t written anything in.  I grabbed my pendulum and asked J if writing would be a good way to explore our relationship and feelings.  He said yes, it would be; especially since when I write by hand I tend to write much more freely.

Back To Fallow Times I Go…

I did some divination to clarify that dream I wrote about in my last post, and I did remember it correctly.  The Dreamer has left, and he doesn’t know when he’ll be back; what’s going on in the Otherworlds has his full attention, and the Madman’s as well.  They’ve got People watching over me, but They’re staying in the background.

My Beloveds do want me to continue to build a relationship with J.  Both of them have said before that they don’t want me to be alone, and we had talked about mortal partners even before J got involved in my life.  (They consider J to be my mortal partner even though he lives in the Otherworlds.)

I’ve also been Ordered to focus on my mundane life and my schoolwork, so it’s back to fallow times for me.  I might write some poetry or music posts, but if my blog goes quiet for a while, it’s because I’m in the middle of tests and papers.

A Dream of Leaving

Quietly, he tells me that he is leaving.

Our marriage isn’t over, he reassures me.  It’s that the Consequences of this Summer’s Drama have spiraled far beyond his control, and he must tend to his Kingdom and People before all else.

I tell him that I understand.  I will miss him, have been missing him already with him being gone so much, but I understand that being King is not something he can just put down.

I reach out to hug him, and freeze when my fingers brush empty air.  He steps back so I can see him clearly, and I see that his once waist-length hair now only reaches his shoulders.

There are only two reasons why a Sovereign of Darkness cuts their hair.

The first reason is that war has been declared; the second is that they are in mourning.

He nods to my unspoken question.  He had warned me this was coming, this loss, this grief of his.  It’s part of the reason why he’s been away so much, he knows I would take his grief and internalize it as my own.  This is a loss he needs to process privately.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“There’s nothing you can do, dearest Heart,” he replies.  “I will have Others watching over you, but this,” he tugs what’s left of his hair, “is something you cannot help with.”

“I can support–”

“Varian.”  He sighs, holds up a hand.  “I love you, honey, but the best thing for you to do right now is focus on your schoolwork.”

“And healing–”

“No.  You’re still too close to that trauma.  I’d rather your wounds be healed as best as they can, before you start poking around at all that trauma.  Do you understand me?”


He steps closer to me, his arms slipping around my waist.

“Do not hurt yourself,” he says, his voice low and intense.  “Do not break what’s left of your Heart in order to satisfy some absurd demand that you need to be broken in order to heal.  You are not glass.”  His gold eyes flash when he says the last sentence.

I nod, unsure what to say in response to that.

He sighs and lays his forehead against my own.

“You are my Heart,” he whispers, “and no matter how much they smear your name, I will protect you as my own.  I’ll stand by you, no matter how much they drag your name through the mud.”  There is anger in his voice now, anger and tears.

I wrap my arms around him and he lays his head against my shoulder.  We hold each other close, knowing this might be our last embrace for a long time.

Descend (Devotional Acrostic Challenge)

The prompt is Dark, Khthonic, Underworld Gods or Spirits

For the Silent Prince.

Darkness is not lost, as you walk those hidden pathways
Every Summer you step down to see your Kingdom from below.
Silence falls in the Hearts of those who love you, as you
Cannot be found until Autumn.  Only the Far Ones know
Eternity, and your journey, Wanderer, is long.  It is Autumn,
Now, rest, be at peace, warm your hands by the fire I offer you.
Draped in white and gold, dream of better days, of brighter things.

Devotional Acrostic Challenge!

This sounds like a fun challenge, and I’ll definitely be participating in it.

Queen of the Waiting Ones

In order to keep my mind pliable and ready to receive inspiration at a moments notice, I will sometimes devise writing prompts for myself.  Some of my favorite prompts have been in the form of acrostic poetry, which I have occasionally shared here.  I am about to embark on another twelve week set of acrostic prompts, but I though perhaps some of you might like to join in the fun.

I present to you, the Devotional Acrostic Challenge!  There are only three rules:

1.)  You must utilize the theme of the weekly prompts in some way.  Each prompt consists of at least two options.

2.)  All poems submitted must be in acrostic form.

3.)  All poems must be new material of a devotional nature.  No previously written acrostics, please.  I trust you all to abide by the honor system, as I do not have the time to check.

I will…

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Astral Trauma, and Timely Music from the Dreamer

At the moment I’m frustrated, mainly at myself.  I’ve been Told to “rest and heal” I don’t know how many times anymore by e/Everyone I know Over There, and I’ve been wondering how the fuck do I even do that?

It’s been…difficult, processing and trying to heal from what happened this Summer.  I’ve spent the past few months going through several crisis of faith, realizing I’ve got gods only know how many repressed memories about all of this, having nightmares about what happened (and a lot of the nightmares I can’t remember,) yelling a lot at various p/People Over There, and having panic attacks when I learned about the ongoing Political fallout Over There.

I saw the Dreamer very briefly this afternoon, and my brain started giving me yet another what-if-I-ruined-the-Otherworlds/what-if-my-marriages-are-over themed panic attack (thanks, nightmares -_- .)

My Husband, shufflemancy expert that he is, sent this song my way.

When you came back I knew you’d have a story
You need someone to ease the pain of living life
You’re like a soldier in the fray, seeking shelter
from all the madness that you’ve seen raining down now

I sat there staring at my laptop, feeling the lyrics of the song sinking in.

“Is it really that bad,” I asked him, “is it that noticeable that I’ve Seen Some Shit?”

He didn’t answer in words, but I felt sorrow rolling off him.

I know things change, your world has slipped away
I know things change, but you’re living like a soldier who’s caught in the fray
Don’t lose your faith, it’s not so cold, it’s not too late

When you were naive you were so invincible
and you laughed at anyone and anything that ever got in your way
But now the mirror shows the change and you don’t see that
you’re sinking back into the crowd, an echo fading

I nodded; the song put into words how I’d been feeling for several weeks now.  My Otherworld self had been placed in a safe space to heal, and I wished I could join Him in solely focusing on mending my Heart.

I felt the Dreamer’s hand run through my hair; it was often how he let me know he was around.  This time the gesture was meant to convey comfort, as well as affection.

With this hand, I will lift your sorrows.

The line from our wedding vows slipped into my mind, and I grasped his hand, squeezing it tightly.

And you can look inside of me
but the answers that you seek
and everything you need
is all inside you

“Yeah I know,” I said.

“Dearest one….” I felt his hand on my cheek.  “I’ll be there for you,” he softly said, “I may be away right now, because I’m busy with what’s going on Over There, so is [the Madman].  We still love you, both of us do.”  He looked over at the gray stone I carry with me.  “And you have [J’s name], he loves you as well.  You’re not alone.”

I know things change, your world has slipped away
I know things change, but you’re living like a soldier who’s caught in the fray
Don’t lose your faith, it’s not so cold, it’s not too late

I don’t even know where I’m going with this entry anymore, just that I’m very glad my Husband sees and understands my trauma.  It’s a weird sort of happiness, to be glad he’s not pulling the I’m A God card (a fear I’ve talked about before) that he’s allowing me to heal at my own pace.

Thank you, Beloved, for lifting my sorrows.

They Remind Me That I’ve Ruined Nothing

One of the things I didn’t expect to happen with this Summer’s Drama is that my anxiety would go way up.  Thinking about it, it makes perfect sense that what happened would cause my brain to turn the “you’re in danger” warning lights up to a million–and with there being some ongoing fallout Over There [and that’s all I’m going to say about it] my anxiety has gotten worse.

I’m still in the fallow time, though lately I’ve been referring to it as “Otherworld Me is on lockdown mode,” rather than my entire spiritual practice stopping.  I’ve begun to sense Him* a bit more lately, and have been getting some visuals of where He is, but nothing more than that.  He’s been spending a lot of time in one particular area of the Otherworlds while He heals from all the emotional crap He got put through this Summer.

A thing that continues to surprise me, is that the Far Ones actually care about all of this.  They keep reminding me that the thing I need to focus on in all of this is healing.  One of Them dropped by this afternoon to check on me, and that conversation put into perspective that yeah, I’m an anxious wreck right now.

“I’m scared I’ve ruined everything, that [Kingdom and Realm] will go up in flames and it’ll be my fault–”

They raised eyebrow at this.

And what evidence do you have for that, young King?

“My anxiety.”

And nothing more than that.

“Yes but–”

Varian, you’ve ruined nothing.  Stick with [J’s name], let him be the center of your practice for a while.  Let [the Dreamer] handle what’s going on.

*I use Capital Pronouns when talking about my Otherworld/astral form to differentiate between me Here and Me-Over-There.

Learn to Love

You miss them, don’t you?

I nod in response to his question.  I can sense him sitting beside me, his arm around my shoulder.

The candle at the shrine to my Husbands flickers, but I sense nothing when I reach out.  I understand why they’re gone–they had explained that there are things going on in the Otherworlds that require their full attention, more fallout from what had happened this Summer–but my Heart still aches at them not being there.

“This is coincidence, isn’t it?”  I ask him.  “You showing back up in my life, and them being gone now.”

Yes, Varian, it is.  He sounds exasperated by my question; I had asked something like that several times now.

“I don’t really know how to handle all of…this.”   I wave a hand between the two of us.  “I’ve even googled ‘dating someone from your past life’ and the results weren’t helpful.”

I sense laughter from him.  Is that what we’re doing, dating?

I think back over what I’d just said.  “I…yeah.  I guess.”

Varian, it’s fine.  I sense his smile.  We’ll figure this out together.

(I did some shufflemancy with him about our relationship, and he gave me this song.)

How Strange

In my dreams we meet again, in
sunlit meadows you press lilies
into my hands and flowers to

my closed eyes, each one another
symbol of your unending devotion.

And how strange it feels, to be the one
above, to be the one sought after,
to be the one being quietly pursued.

To know I’ve held your Heart for so long even
as I’ve loved others–and you allow me this,

they allow us this, this second chance
between childhood friends reunited
with the start of becoming something more.