A Poem for the Underworld Lord

The Road of Fate you walk yet again, you King
with broken Crown and shattered conscious.

Adversary, Beloved, Reflection, the King
of All Darkness calls you all of these, scribe
and villain, Architect of the Singing Halls.

You who must change with the King, you never
forget, and an apple falls silent to the ground.

We Are Not Star-Crossed

Once you were the King’s servant, and
once I was the King’s son, and we
have chosen again to tangle our paths
and our Hearts together.  Only this time

we are not battling so-called Fate, and your
devotion calls you to me as easily as your
sacred Mysteries hold your Heart as well.

We could call this affair star-crossed,
except that this path of Love does not
require us to choose between the silent
woods and songs uplifted in devotion.

Doing Spiritual Stuff When Your Life is Ass

“Therefore, sometimes the answer is simply giving ourselves the permission to step back and rest. We can’t always feasibly juggle life and spiritual shenanigans or at least not in ways that will satisfy us. Thus, sometimes we just need to tell the gods or spirits “I need to put this aside for now because I cannot give you the time and effort I want to or that you deserve with what is going on. This not farewell, only a goodbye for now while I get my shit together.” Contrary to the piety posse’s preaching, the gods generally do not insist on running us ragged into the dirt and appreciate us standing up for our health.”

This is my favorite part of the article, but the entire thing is worth reading.

Where Jotnar Tread

Most of us will encounter times in our spiritual path where mundane life is so overwhelmingly awful it interferes with the spiritual. This is different from fallow times where for one reason or another, the gods and/or spirits in your life step back and force you to take a time out (although the two can be connected or similar.) When your mundane life is – as the person who asked for this topic so eloquently put it – ass, it raises a whole host of obstacles to spiritual practices from lack of energy to even full-blown spiritual crises such as “why bother? what is the point of spirituality when my life is atrocious?” While the answers to dealing with these problems will ultimately be unique to the individual in question, there are some general things that help me that might be of use to others grappling with these obstacles.


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I Guess I’m Doing This After All

So last year I wrote about my Beloveds during the month of December; this year my Beloveds aren’t going to be around, and my spiritual life has been full of Drama and Heartbreak and tons of ups and downs.  So I figured I wouldn’t be doing Devotional December (as I called it) this year.

Last night I woke up from a dream with a post idea running through my head; a certain Winter god has suggested I write about him and his Family over the month.  This wasn’t the first time the idea had come up, but I hadn’t been sure because of finals season and writing energy.

He is Family (being the Dreamer and the Madman’s son) and he does have a holiday coming up this next month.

So it looks like I’m going to be writing more here after all.

My Deity Beloveds Have Left

This is a post I never expected to write.

I never thought I’d write about my Beloveds leaving–being gone briefly, yes, but not leaving my life completely.

I’ve mentioned in other posts that they’ve been more distant lately, that there are things going on in the Otherworlds that have had their full attention.  This is true, but there’s more going on than that (I feel vulnerable enough simply stating that they’ve left, so I won’t say what their reason for leaving is/was.)

I have a timeline of how long they’re going to be gone for, and it’s for much longer than usual.  I may get small signs from them, but they’re going to be mostly out of the picture as far as my spiritual life is concerned, until their return.

We will always be in your Heart, they said, and you will be in ours.

I want to write more but don’t know what, just that I feel numb, and sad.

This is…not the way I expected (or wanted) the year to end.

I just wanted to write a brief post explaining what was going on.




Hope and Absence

I walk the bridge through waiting cliffs and endless white skies, while the sea crashes below Me.  The air smells of salt and the monastery’s songs echo greeting the dawn.

My Consort walks at My side, his presence a quiet reassurance that I am meant to be here, wearing the white that is only worn by the High King.  The true High King stepped back and I, among several Others, stepped forward to lead Darkness.

The High King may be our guiding Northern star, but he will never allow himself, or his Kingdom, to stagnate or become stuck in the past.  His stepping back to heal and lead by example, is yet another way he gives us Hope.

Angelarium Interview Spread

I did an interview spread with the Angelarium Oracle deck.  This is done intuitively, with meanings based on the artwork as well as the energy of the cards.

What is your most important characteristic?

Zadkiel, the Angel of Mercy

This angel is an imposing figure, but he feels…kind is not the right word; he feels stern.  That he is putting the sword away says he is choosing to be merciful.  But still, he feels wary.

My gaze keeps going back to the swirling clouds around the angel, and the open circle of sky behind their head.

These cards feel as though they are saying “not yet,” that they are guarding me from getting too lost in the Otherworlds, which is something I’ve struggled with before (and recently started struggling with again.)

The most important quality in this deck might be that it’s allowing me to reach out to the Otherworlds while firmly remaining Here, which is…odd, because I already have a tarot deck for Darkness.  Maybe it’s referring to the Far Ones specifically, since Their energy can get really overwhelming when I talk with Them.

What are your strengths as a deck?

Israfel, the Angel of Song

They feels calm.  They are holding a trumpet, they feel as though they are waiting for something, but that they are content to wait.

I think this is saying that the strength of the deck is holding many possible layers of meaning, for possibly very complex readings.  This card, and the emphasis of waiting I get in the vibes from this reading, confirms that feelings.

What are your limits?

Phanuel, the Angel of Truth

The fire the angel holds in what leaps out at me.  The angel is fixated on the fire, and not looking at the clouds around them.

To me this says that this deck will tell me the truth, but that it might be too blunt and straightforward.  With the angel focusing so intently on the fire, and not on the shadows around them, it makes me think that it might also help me in the Immediate Big Problems, but I might fail to notice the small signs leading up to Other Problems.

What are you here to help me with?

Chesed, the Right Hand, Empathy

This angel is surrounded by light.  They are removing their cloak, which blends in with the mountains, to gather the light even closer to them.

(Here comes the Deeply Personal Symbolism….)

Light is a Thing in my path, specifically Love-as-Light is a Major Thing.  This card makes me think of that, and of my Beloveds.  Which is…interesting timing, since both of my Husbands are away right now.

Maybe it’s saying that this deck will help me on the part of my path that my Beloveds are not involved in (sacred Kingship) and in helping me balance my private life with my Beloveds with my Otherworld Business and Kingship path.

How can I best learn from you?

Remph, Angel of Time (rev.)

This angel at first glance looks like they are almost made of bone.  They have been stripped bare by time (and waiting) yet fire still burns in their mind.

This card was the only one that fell reversed, which could just be my shuffling, but I think it’s saying that I can best learn from this deck by being patient with it.

What is the potential outcome of our relationship?

Simikiel, the Angel of Vengeance

The chills I got when I flipped this card over.

I stared at it for a long time, then double-checked the book to be sure I was reading it right–vengeance????  How could that be a possible outcome of my relationship with a deck of cards?

I had to study the artwork for a while, before the actual meaning of my drawing this card for the outcome position clicked.

What appears to be blood might in fact be red ribbons on the angel’s hand, and at the base of their sword.

This card has feelings of questioning, uncertainty, and loneliness about it.

I believe this is referencing the past Otherworld Drama, and one relationship in particular that fell apart.  Lately I’ve been struggling with no longer having [that deity] in my life, and my feelings are a mix of sorrow and deep anger–a how-could-you-do-this/I-want-to-break-things level of anger.

This card is telling me that this deck may eventually–hopefully–help me move on from what happened.  It’s not telling me to forgive and reconcile with [deity]–I drew the card of vengeance–but it’s not telling me to seek revenge either.

It’s saying that some day I may be able to think of things related to [deity] and not want to smash things.  It’s saying that moving on is a process.  I might feel hollow and lost now, but I will be able to move on from that loss, given time.

That was not the reading I expected.

It was far deeper and more complex than I first thought it would be, and took more time to figure out the meanings.  I think it’s going to take some time to learn how this particular deck works, and what kind of readings I should do with it.

I was a bit taken aback by [deity relationship that fell apart] being brought up in what was essentially an introduction reading, but overall I’m very pleased with this reading.

New Decks

I got two new decks yesterday, the Angelarium Oracle and the Spirit Speak tarot deck.

J asked if he could have the tarot deck, since he liked the simple design, and he wanted one that was exclusively his.  I said sure, and it’s next to his prayer beads on my dresser now (since J is not a god or spirit, he doesn’t have a shrine; I don’t pray to him, the beads are more like a touchstone for us to stay connected.)

The Angelarium is going to be…interesting.

The moment I held the Angelarium deck in my hands, I felt my hands tingling very strongly and energy surrounding me.

I knew exactly Who wanted that one, and this really surprised me, because the Far Ones hadn’t put any sort of claim on the Silhouette tarot (the deck I use to communicate with the gods and people of Darkness.)  But They really wanted this oracle deck to be used to communicate with Them, to the point that They had me find a box to hold both decks together–I got the impression that the box was also to help cut off the nearly overwhelmig energy I got from the oracle deck.

Then I saw that the box They’d picked was star themed, which led to a lot of “are You kidding me” comments under my breath as I rearranged the shrine.

I haven’t done any successful readings with the Angelarium deck yet, but I plan on trying to do an interview spread with it soon (probably using the Silhouette tarot to help me with the interview, because I have no idea how to read the Angelarium cards.)

Even if the Angelarium ends up being difficult to read, the art is amazing, so I think I’ll still like it even if I can’t read with it.

I did try and do a reading with the Angelarium, and…instead of answering my question, the Far Ones pointed me to a pop culture character who is very similar to J.  That was…a strange experience, having the Big Powers start referencing a specific character from a fantasy series in order to confirm my discernment about my Otherworld boyfriend.

What is my life.

Sometimes Love

Sometimes love means allowing the loved one to walk away, to give them space for them to walk the abandoned pathways of their own Heart, and to listen when they say “you cannot follow me in this.”

“Do not find me,” the loved one says.

This is not your battle, his silence says, this is not your pain, your burden, to take on.

He embraces you before he leaves, his hair cut shorter than it’s ever been.  You watch through tear blurred eyes as he walks away, to unknown destinations.  You cannot–will not–follow him, even as he takes a part of your Heart away with him, further with every step he takes.

You do not know who he is going to be when he returns to you.

All you know, is that you will love him.

Sometimes love means letting go of who you thought you knew was in the stars.