My Heritage Has Caught Up With Me (The Reason I Have Dyed My Hair Black)

My heritage has caught up with me
that corrupted crown of greed and gold
passed unwittingly from father to son;

but my hair screams chaos, violence,
slaughter and upheaval, an ending hidden
and gilded in the excuse of the “greater good.”

This is not a duality you want; I am a living contradiction,
a walking reminder of your pain and everything you
fled from, a blend of the worst traits of two brothers.

I am sorry.  I promise you
(on my Heart, I swear to you)
that you are Home, you are free

and that I will be a better King
than the one you fled across the
stars (such a long Journey) to escape.

Advertisements

(A Poem About Asexuality)

My love is not a puzzle
with pieces missing,

it does not hold extra
dimensions of depth,
sex is not another layer
that gives something a shape–

geometry was never
my strongest subject,
but, a structure does not
collapse over something that was

never there
to begin with.

Cultivating Joy, and Bullet Points on Healing

Cultivate joy is the main takeaway I’ve gotten from a tarot reading I did with [the new god in my life.]  I had been expecting an incredibly harsh reading, expecting the god to burn the remainder of my proverbial house down.  While he did give me a bunch of Wand cards, which are connected to fire, the things he told me I need to leave behind were all connected to Otherworld trauma, and my isolating myself because of that trauma.

The next thing I have to do is figure out how to put that into practice.

A card [this deity] gave me called me out on still waiting for more traumatic things to happen, and that waiting for more horrible things to happen was leading to me falling into stagnation, rather than actually healing.  J had said the same thing to me several days before that reading, that I was terrified with [new deity] approaching me.  He said that I was using that fear as a reason to stall on making any decision about working with [this new god], or about where my path would go next.

I’ll admit to being confused when [new deity] gave me this song during a reading I did with him.  It’s very much a worship song, and while [new deity] does want a formal relationship, he wants us to have a relationship as equals (as much as we can,) rather than as a god and a devotee.

It took listening to the song a few more times, before the point he was trying to get across sank in.  He was referencing my deity “father” and all the past year’s trauma, how deeply that had hurt me; my “father” had said I was “the only one” who could Do The Thing, and with being approached by a recorded god for the first time in over a year, I was terrified that [new deity] would only use me. 

This song was a way of [this new deity] reassuring me that not only was he aware of everything my “father” had put me through, but also telling me that my working with him (if I choose to do so) is going to be a team effort between us.


So, some bullet points of ideas on cultivating beauty, love, and joy, as well as actively working on healing

  • Write more, either poetry or short stories
  • Work on art, like drawing or knitting
  • Spend time with my f/Family and f/Friends, both Here and Over There
  • Spend time with my Otherworld Family that has nothing to do with devotion in a spiritual path sense

Emptiness (Processing A Dream)

I did my discernment checks, and used tarot to back it up; this was only a nightmare, but it’s stuck with me, hence this poem.


There is stillness
there is nothing,
there is no one;

again, I am abandoned
again, I am lost, again
I am alone as my mind
shatters in the woods.

I wake to tears
and feel as though
my Heart is breaking.

Reading With An Ally

I’ve been approached by a new deity, and he’s someone I greatly respect and admire.  He’s offered a formal relationship with me, and I wanted some clarification about *what* exactly he meant by “formal,” as well as some other things.

This reading’s under a cut because it’s just over 1,000 words long; I had questions, and he had answers.

Read More »

On (Not) Being Broken

He [the Madman) showed me a vision involving pottery, in order to explain this [his hatred of gods breaking people, especially for the “greater good] better.

“There’s a difference,” he said to me, “between taking a pot and adding more clay, to fill in the cracks, and a bit of glaze, so it blends in and is smoothed out….” He gently set the first pot aside.

He suddenly grabbed the second pot and hurled it down on the floor, and the sound of the clay shattering made me jump.

“And taking something so you can break it,“ he said, “fill the cracks in with gold, and claim that you made it better, because look there, those golden scars are yours.”

–Varian’s journal log, July 16, 2017


Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching, especially with the progress that I’m making in therapy. Some of that soul-searching involves going over the toxic ideas that I once had about devotion, and that’s especially true about the idea of being “broken” by the gods.

The Madman despises that idea–I did an entire month of devotional writing with him, and one theme kept coming up over, and over, and over again. That theme being of how he does not want to break me.

“He would leave before he ever broke me,” I wrote in a poem, “I know this the way I know he loves roses.”


I’ve mentioned before, that the Madman and the Dreamer are each other’s reflection; they work together so incredibly well because they’re complete opposites, not in spite of it. Their relationship is complicated; they’re best friends, lovers, and sometimes enemies as well. I joke that their relationship is what would happen if the hero and villain of the story fell in love, but that’s more the truth than it is a joke.

The Madman sometimes uses the term “villain” to describe himself, it’s a shorthand way of explaining a more complex idea. I knew about the role itself, he’d explained it to me through serious conversations, sarcastic comments, and that some of the music he requested on his playlist had a consistent villain/antagonist theme to it.

Lately–when I’ve seen him, which isn’t often right now–I’ve been seeing him in more of a Sacred Villain/Divine Antagonist role. I knew he played this role with the Dreamer, and it folds into them both as [High Power Deities] but it took a few very blunt questions from him, to realize he was putting that Hat on with me as well.

“Where did it come from,” he asked me one day, “the idea that the love of a god is a savage, dark thing?”

Slowly, he’s been helping me pick apart my old ideas about devotion, taking my internalized toxic ideas and breaking them down piece by piece. Where did they come from? What purpose did they serve? Did they help me at all, or only cause pain?


I’ve found that this is not only helping me with figuring out what devotion means to me, but it’s also helping my mental health as well. In learning about, and working my way through, toxic ideas of what devotion to (and Love for) a deity means, I’ve found that not only is my practice beginning to stabilize, but that my anxiety has gone down as well.

Thank you, Beloved, for all your help, support, and Love. ❤

Lights of the Sea (Devotional Acrostic Challenge)

[Finals month happened (my business class finals were especially intense), then some other intense things happened Over There that took away my writing energy, so I’ve had limited time to write.  Now that school is done for another semester, and things Over There are calming down, I’m finally getting back to this.]

The prompt is Water, Sea, Storm Gods or Spirits

For one of the Far Ones, who I affectionately refer to as Grandfather Sea.

Love is the thing Darkness is built on, the
integral spark present everywhere from the
grand depths of the Sea to the lows of the Valleys to the
heights of the Mountains of the Iron Hearted Realm.
That is why the Prince still runs every Summer as the
Springtime is fading, than none may forget what
once was in Ruins.  Life came from the Sea and the
final moments of Creation, and even now You watch
the Heavens as they drift within Your sight.  Still You
hold the vastness of the Universe, still You hold all of
Eternity in Your hands.  There is a time for this new
stillness, for the Kingdom of Darkness to pause, to rest, for the
earlier changes to settle in; there is also a time for movement
and You will hold the Stars close to You, and watch it all.