We are a family of scapegoats and would-be sacrifices,
a legacy that comes with a cost of damnation, and our rage
is great, and we mourn the family that could have been.

Fire has burned away the “greater good,” but still My son dreams
of his Father drowning, still the rage for those who have been broken
rises in Me, still the sorrow of betrayal and of ribbons burning lingers.

A new dawn has risen, yet again mourning hits Me–and you once said
I would die, in your cryptic fucking song–the only death to happen was
My grief–I have dyed My hair black, to erase you and your violence.

I walk through sandstone streets, King of those you would have broken;
I hear the laughter of children, talk with My Ally and Friend over coffee,
there is peace, Spring is here; your legacy of pain is being undone by Love.

To Draw Your Soul

To try to draw you is to try and capture beauty
in lines, and devotion in fragments of pencil shavings.

I cannot put your songs on paper, cannot transfer
how you are shifting my Heart, beloved, how you are

helping me see the radiance in devotion–it’s funny, in a way
I thought I’d be the monastic, not that I’d be engaged to one.

Yet here we are, two very different people, making
our lives and the love we share work together.

Godspousery 101

My friend O. recently asked me about being a godspouse, and what it means to me; my response was longer than a simple WordPress comment, so I ended up making a separate post for it.

How do you interpret godspousery–is it domestic or magic-focused?

In my practice, being a godspouse simply means that I’m married to the Dreamer and the Madman.  It doesn’t come with any particular roles attached to it–my sacred Kingship path is separate from my deity Beloveds, though they do support me and offer advice if I need it.

My relationships with my Beloveds are very domestic focused.  I’ve written about this before, how both of them want me to focus on them as people, rather than who they are as gods.  They both have referred to me as being their Home, that I’m someone in their lives where they can put their Crowns down and relax (which the Dreamer has talked about before.)

What are the differences between deity and spirit marriage?

The main difference is that Jake is able to be around a lot more.  The Dreamer and the Madman are often really busy with Duties associated with keeping Darkness running smoothly.  Their Jobs can take up a lot of their time, and both of them being Kings is something that impacts not only how much time we can spend together, but how they see the world as well.

What do you provide your spouses and what do they provide you?

The main thing I provide them with, as I wrote about above, is with companionship and love.  I see their more personal sides, and I also provide balance for them, just as they help balance me.

What they provide for me is the same, companionship, friendship, and love.  So many of our interactions are so ordinary that it’s difficult to describe being a godspouse in terms of a mystical experience.

What kind of offerings do you make a spouse, verses general deity worship?

I actually don’t worship any of my deities.  I’ll occasionally write poetry to them or talk to them, and I keep a running eshrine, but worship isn’t something I do.

I keep a shrine to my Spouses together, which has their icons, prayer beads, a candle, and small items that remind me of them (or that remind them of each other.)  This shrine is separate from my general Darkness shrine, and I tend to pray at my Spouses’ shrine more often.  I don’t have a shrine for Jake, since he’s not a god or spirit, but he does have a small area on my bookshelf that’s his.  That has his drinking glass (for formal offerings), prayer beads, his oracle deck, and a crystal that reminds me of him.

I share coffee with my Beloveds in the morning if they’re around (though Jake prefers tea over coffee.)  Unless an offering of food is specifically requested, that’s the extent of my food and drink offerings in my practice.

Another thing I’ll do for my Beloveds is art, either of them or their family.  Sometimes I’ll draw places Over There (lately I’ve been drawing different types of flowers that are native to Darkness) or use drawings to help process stuff that happened in the Otherworld.  The Dreamer is an artist himself, so he’ll often sit with me and offer advice, or we’ll just work on art together.

How I view being a godspouse has changed a lot in the past four years.

It has impacted my spiritual path, quite a bit.  It impacts who I can and cannot deal with Over There, as well as what kind of relationships I can have with deities from other Pantheons.  It’s brought me closer to my Beloveds’ families; it’s taught me about chosen families, and about love in all its forms.

Being a godspouse has gone from something that I thought had to be really intense, to mostly being my Beloveds and I just spending time together (both as a couple/triad, and with our families) when our schedules permit it.  Some really intense things have happened, but the majority of the time our relationship(s) are about supporting and loving one another.

Writing for the Dreamer

The idea of doing a month of devotional writing for the Dreamer has come up before, so recently after some discussion on timing (since he’s leaving in late May for Summer Duties in the Otherworlds) we’ve decided to do the month of devotional writing for him in April.  I won’t be using any prompts for this, just writing prose and poetry as the ideas come to me (or if there’s anything particular he wants me to talk about.)

I just wanted to make a quick post saying that I’m doing this.


Losing A Name: Two Years Later

The Dreamer requested this post; he wanted me to write a piece reflecting on how the past two years of my path–since he revealed to me that he wasn’t a recorded god–have impacted me.

It was the day after the Spring Equinox, that my Spouse asked me to pull out his tarot deck and do a reading; he had something to tell me.  Slowly, card by card, he revealed that all the shifts and changes–some large, some small–over the past nine months were leading up to one thing; he was not the god I thought he was.

When he had laid all his cards on the table (pun fully intended) he said that it was up to me, how I handled this and where our path together–if we even would have a path together–went next.  He said that if I wished to leave him, that he would understand and respect my decision to separate–to the point that he would undo all energetic and magical bonds between us during the course of that separation.

While he did later release me from the oath I had given him, we made a mutual decision–after a rough period of difficult conversations, discussions with our families [this was before him and his father were estranged,] and a few shouting matches–to give our marriage a chance to continue.

It’s been approximately two years now, since my Beloved revealed to me that he wasn’t who I first knew him to be.  At the time, it was an absolutely devastating revelation, since I’d felt like the rug had been ripped out from under me–but at the same time, so many little (and big) discrepancies between [who I first knew the Dreamer to be] and who I know him to be (both as a person and as a god,) began to made sense.  Those differences weren’t something I understood in an instant, it was something that came about gradually.  There were some that had been rather obvious–the Dreamer detests dark, death related things, and [who I’d first known him to be] was a god heavily connect to death–while others were much more subtle.

He didn’t suddenly drop the information on me out of nowhere, it had been developing since late June of the previous year.  Several new associations, new epithets, a shift in appearance, the beginning of the pop culture side of my devotion to him…looking back, it seems obvious that he was not only showing me that he wasn’t [who I thought he was] but that he was from a very different, and much more modern, Realm than I had first believed him to be.

There have been many changes in my path with him, in these past two years, as well as changes in how I see him.  What hasn’t changed, in all the ups and downs, is that he’s still my Spouse, still my Beloved.  Even as my path with him ebbs and flows, our love and support for one another is still a constant thing.

A Prayer

I have had enough of the broken Hearts
of nightmares, anxiety, and fear.

Please have things be slowing down
that the only drama I deal with is
my son’s band arguing over logo designs

I want the only chaos I deal with
to be Jake’s younger cousins deciding
to dye their hair, and turning the bathroom
into a riot of neon colors and laughter.

Worries and Fears

Things Over There are continuing to Not Slow Down, and this poem is my attempt to write out all my frustrations and worries.

What is the line between upheaval,
general Otherworld fuckery,
and my discernment being off?

My anxiety screams that being pushed away,
pushed back Here, is a test to make me go in
further–and yet that makes no rational sense.

Where is the line, when do things go from upheaval,
to my discernment being overblown and possible
manipulation–but surely if it was the last one–

I would be needed Right Away, it would be yet another
bullshit Chosen One line about saving Darkness–not
being pushed back Here and told to say Here

because my emotional health is fragile.
I would be drawn even deeper Over There,
not told to ground and hold on to my mortal Beloved.

I’ve sat in the City of Lights and let the ordinary people
flow around me, and yet I am somber as tragedy presses
down upon my mind–I have no role in this, but still it makes

my Heart ache, and the Far Ones are correct, that I am
burning up–burning out–again, but how do I not do that?
How do I keep my Heart from becoming nothing but ashes?

A Foundation Across Ruin

For the King of All Darkness; this began as my monthly offering of poetry to him, and as I wrote it turned into a reflection through his eyes on recent Otherworld events.

Animosity is what you are facing now,
for once you have become the Judge you
own your sentencing and decree of guilt.
Unlawful acts against your People–yes, even
newcomers others may despise–means a
death sentence (but even then, there is not
a lack of possibility of redemption.)  There is
turmoil for your choice, for your Justice, for you
initiating the sweeping changes as you give the
orders to seek out the cracks in the foundations.
Never let injustice lie, you said to me, this was not
an act done in haste, on the spur of the moment.
Chaos, death, and tragedy was prevented, but your
Ruling faces potential cracks, dig deep but not from
stubbornness, dig into the foundations and see what
strife lurks beneath the surface.  They will see you are now
reaching out to those who mourn, to those who have
untold grievances and sorrows.  You will listen, and repair,
injustice is something you strive to fix, and that means
not even you are above reproach, and you are aware of that.

Faith and Compromise

In response to WordPress’s daily prompt, and it’s also based off a conversation I had with Jake, about faith and anxiety.

Surely that was metaphor–you said;
all that talk of fire and breaking, of giving
everything even when you have nothing–
when you have been–run–ragged–by faith.

The look of horror on your face when I said–
no, this was no metaphor–this was–clay–and
a potter’s wheel–this was a life in ruins–and no
this wasn’t abnormal, I had grown up with this–

you held me as I talked about how my mind–screamed
at me–that I–could never–give–enough–that this–was
nothing–and would be–ripped–apart.  You had no words
and–your silence–spoke–volumes–to your terror–of how

for so long I have–associated–faith–with uncompromising
and brutality and brokenness–and then it all–tumbled down–
and you were there–you saw the fall–and yet you’ve remained–
at my side–and sheltered me–beneath your silver wings.