Loosely Hold My Heart (A Month for the Dreamer)

Loving you is not an
ordeal, is not standing
on the outside of life and
society having to hide nearly
everything about me.  It is not
longing to be swept away and hidden in
you.  That may have served me once (but
how much was my anxiety and isolation, what
other factors were at play?) but now I find that I need
life and Love outside my self-imposed isolation that I
deemed “devotion.”  You are standing with me, still knowing
my Heart is yours–asking me only to love you, not be lost in
you.  Your Heart holds many rooms, my Beloved, but your
Heart is not a puzzle with pieces missing.  I do not need
every corner of your trauma to know and love you.
Art is part of love, and together we do not paint
ruin and tragedy, but a garden full of flowers
that reflect us as we dance beneath the moon.

Stepping Stones (Carnival of Aces)

I decided to participate in this month’s Carnival of Aces.

How did your (a)sexual and (a)romantic orientations impact your (expected or imagined) future?

The main ways that being asexual (and, to some extent, aromantic) has impacted my future is that it has changed the way I view relationships.  It’s actually made me more comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship, rather than less.

Before I knew I was ace, I had never really pictured myself as being in a relationship, the idea made me uncomfortable for reasons that I could never put into words.  I think what made me uncomfortable about it was that so often, a romantic relationship is portrayed as making the other person involved your entire world, and I knew I didn’t want my entire world to revolve around just one person (at the time I didn’t know I was polyamorous, and that I can balance multiple romantic relationships.)

I really do believe that coming out as asexual was a stepping stone to me coming out as transgender.  Once I started questioning my sexual orientation, it was a stepping stone to questioning my gender identity.

Realizing I’m asexual was both a relief, and it flipped my world around.  It didn’t flip my world upside down entirely, but it shook my world up just enough that it threw me off balance for a while.  It was, I suppose, the beginning of really learning about who I am.

Extremes (A Month for the Dreamer)

Back when I was first beginning my path, both as a polytheist and as a godspouse, there was a major emphasis on working with the “dark” side of a god, of seeing even their most terrifying sides and loving them even then, before you (general you) could call yourself a “real” devotee.  I even wrote an angry poem about it, and that was before I really began all this soul-searching and unpacking toxic ideas about devotion.
The Dreamer is, as I’ve mentioned before, not a “dark” god.  My Spouse once asked me about what made being a “dark” or “harsh” god so glamorous.  He was genuinely curious about why it’s so often seen as the “right” way to be a devotee and polytheist (not to mention being a godspouse) to work with the “darker” side of a god.  The Dreamer himself, as I referred to him in one poem, is “everything between extremes.”  Even when he’s in King Mode, he’s still a very thoughtful, considerate, and gentle person.

Sacrifice of Hearts

You come from a land of sacrifice, where Hearts were only weighed or spit out or cast aside.  So no wonder you are trembling in fear, at the thought of your King leading a Festival of the things that were cast off, cast out, it is no wonder that you wish to close the shutters and flee deeper into your sandstone streets.

The old ways have changed, as sacrifice was left behind long ago.  Dancers will be led through the streets, laughing and trailing ribbons and masks.  Darkness will be alive with the sound of music, of voices raised in song and flashing lights.  White lanterns will soon be lit, and a bonfire of iridescent flame will burn in the center of the City of Lights.

Let Me lead you through this, with My Beloveds and My Consort at My side.  Let Me be your Light, leading you through the darkest time of the year.

Moving Forward (A Month for the Dreamer)

Yesterday I stumbled across an article I had bookmarked years ago, about how spiritwork Takes Over Your Life.  I forget why I even still had it in my bookmarks (and have since removed it, along with all other Spiritwork Will Tear Your Life Apart writings.)

As I was reading, I began to sense my Spouse near me.  He was dropping by briefly to say hello, then he’d be going back to the Otherworld, and to helping his twin sister prepare for the Hunt.

I don’t want that to become you, he said.  I felt his arm around my shoulder, could sense his disturbed emotions at gods tearing someone away from their family.

“No, neither do I, Love.”

We talked a bit more, about the article and how it made us feel, about how my views and experiences of devotion had changed.  How my thoughts on devotion has changed has been something I’ve been pondering and doing a lot of soul-searching on lately, which I’ll probably write more about later.

Union (A Month for the Dreamer)

“We are not one person. How lonely that would be! A couple who has made themselves one so completely, that they are once again alone.

We are two people, separate. Unique. And joined only where we choose to join.”

–Welcome to Night Vale, “The University of What It Is.”

My Spouse and I often listen to music or podcasts together, and Welcome to Night Vale holds a special place in both our Hearts.  That quote is something he sometimes says to me, a reminder that we’re two separate people.

That’s been the ongoing theme of this month of writing for the Dreamer, to not lose myself in him, that we are not one person.

I didn’t begin writing with this theme in mind, it simply came up along the way–like when I wrote for the Madman, and the theme that eventually evolved was on not being broken by him.

Thank you, Beloved, for helping me put my thoughts on paper.

Passing the Lantern (A Month for the Dreamer)

I had this Dream last night.  It feels Important, so I’m recording it here.

“He needs you.”

His hands rest on the young monk’s shoulders, his voice and gaze intense.

“He needs you.  My Husband will be there, my Friend will be there, but he’s going to need you by his side most of all, to handle what’s coming.  The Hunt will ride soon, the Festival will happen, and then I will leave.  If his mind shatters,” the Dreamer’s voice cracks, for just a second, “you call me–you call me so fast your phone lights on fire.”

Jake nods slowly.  “‘I promise to love you when your faith goes silent,’ was something I swore to Varian.  He swore that to me,” he motions to his robes, “but it goes both ways.”

Promise me.”

“I promise you, on my Heart, that I will be his Light.”

The Dreamer slowly nods.

He picks up a lantern (the candle is already burning,) passing it to Jake, and then the dream fades.