Jake: What would you do if your godphone went entirely out?
Varian: You think it’s going to go that way?
Jake: I think it’s possible that it could.
That conversation with my fiance happened in April, and my godphone is continuing to die. It’s not a steady decline, it’s like little bursts of communication that’s really faint even if I am using tarot or shufflenancy to back it up. And when I do hear words I end up questioning everything I think I heard.
I’m in a weird place right now, emotionally and spiritually. I’d describe it as ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ with an added comment of “I’m letting [my Otherworld Self] handle most of it.” Especially with the one-year anniversary of traumatic astral events coming up, that’s been really difficult with memories and grief hitting me again. I’m continuing to talk to my therapist about that, which is helping.
I’m also beginning to talk to my therapist about my fear of astral/spiritual stuff taking over my life. I’m unsure if I explained it well, but it is a genuine fear of mine, that I won’t be able to relate to people Here (even at a surface level) because of too much of my life getting wrapped up in Stuff Over There (and some circles of astral/spirit work encourage this, so it doesn’t help.) Jake is watching out for me in regards to my getting too wrapped up in Otherworld stuff (so are my other two Beloveds, but Jake is around more often) but even with him saying “no, you’re taking the evening to just relax and read a book,” I still worry that I’ll eventually be unable to relate to anyone Here.
The Dreamer is concerned about my mental health; with all the awful anniversaries coming up, my fear of getting too deeply involved in Otherworld stuff, and a variety of Kingship related things I have to do (which I’m letting [my Otherworld Self] handle.) I can see why he’s so concerned, especially since he’s unsure how much the Madman will be around this Summer, and the Dreamer himself will be gone until New Years in Darkness, which is in early August.
He’s passed care of me over to Jake, and I keep remembering this dream, and the intensity in his voice when he asked Jake to promise that he’d watch out for me. It’s…a strange feeling, sensing your Spouse and your fiance talking about what to do over Summer if your mental health totally falls apart.
I don’t have any elegant way to end this, but I find that this prayer that I wrote in March to be very fitting of my emotions surrounding this coming Summer.