“You’re not writing,” were the first words the Madman said when I realized he was around.
I propped the journal on my knees, trying to be sure that I’d heard him correctly–this was the first I’d seen him in weeks. I had asked him about the devotional project I had done last year–should I do it again with this fallow time I was in?
“Yes, but this–” He interrupted me before I could say would get me back into it.
“You’re not writing at all,” the Madman repeated. “You’re not writing any casual poetry, no short stories…nothing.” I saw concern in his silver eyes. “Honey, you’re trying to live more in this world, and doing a month of consecutive devotional writing would be the opposite of that goal.”
“Living in this world is hard.” I placed the journal aside and put my face in my hands. “I’ve been using Darkness as…an escape, an excuse, and now that I’ve been cut off, it’s making me face that all of…this…has been going on for years.” I indicated the journal entries I’d done on realizing how shitty my mental health had become.
“If you do write for me, examine your motivation for doing so.”
“Don’t use it to try and get my connection with Darkness back, you mean?”
“…I’m torn between thanking you, and yelling at you.”
He shrugged. “You wouldn’t be the first, my dear.”
While doing a tarot reading yesterday, my Otherworld Self showed up. He gave me a Talk about putting myself first, which ended in Him yelling at me when I asked about my connection to the Otherworlds. According to Him, the fallow time is continuing until I actually get help for my mental health “and don’t do it just so you can get your connection back, do it because it’s impacting literally every area of your life now” was essentially what He said to me.
So that’s where things stand now, that I’m cut off from the Otherworlds until my mental health clears up. I had a feeling that was the case, but now I have confirmation from multiple sources.