Not Alone On This Road

Trigger warning for mention of self harm related thoughts in this poem.

Near to shattering is how I feel
only I may have split apart long ago.
Trauma so deep that I simply shattered
and here I am nearly twenty years later
levitating outside my body, watching
only unable to stop folding up the
napkin in my hand in a desperate
effort to ground myself.  I feel like this is
obvious, how can no one see that I’m sliding
towards a total breakdown?  How close to
harming myself do I need to go?  How many
inclines in my mind do I need to climb to be
seen as deeply hurting?  Falling asleep brings
razors of fear; what if I don’t wake up in my bed,
or what if I do become violent as the media says I will?
Alone is how I feel, even though I know I’m not the only one
dealing with this, can I have a fucking guidebook on dissociation?

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5 thoughts on “Not Alone On This Road

  1. Friendly reminder: I’ve dissociated most of my life and not attempted violence in over fifteen years. It is possible.

    You are going to be alright, my friend. I know it’s scary, but you will.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I actually just got out of the hospital yesterday, after being admitted because of hallucinating and hearing voices.

      I’ve got medication that’s helping me, and I didn’t realized how *bad* it was until it stopped thanks to the medicine.

      Like

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