“I want you to have everything that brings you joy.”

The Dreamer said that to me last night.  That’s been his theme lately when he’s around, that he wants me to find joy in my life Here, not be constantly longing for the Otherworlds.

My Better Me

Alternative Title: Varian Is Calling Himself Out On His Shit.

My journey into polytheism, being a godspouse, and (later still) sacred Kingship began when I was severely isolated.  I was physically isolated, I grew up in a rural area (and due to being legally blind, I can’t drive) but even more so emotionally isolated.  I now live in a more urban area, and am in college, but the self-imposed emotional isolated has remained.  I didn’t deliberately emotionally isolate myself, but those patterns that I developed over many years have stayed in place far beyond what’s necessary.

I got some divination back recently, and it confirmed that my connection to my Otherworld Self has been severed.  I’m unsure how I feel about this, even though I understand that it’s necessary.  It’s necessary because I’ve slowly realized over the last few months that I used the Otherworlds and my life There as a form of escapism and a way to avoid my life Here–and I’ve been doing that for years.  I’ve written about this before, wanting to give up Here for There, and rationally knowing that it’s a bad thing…but looking back at my private journal and seeing just how far back in time that longing goes, feels like a massive wake up call.

What I do now, I’m not entirely sure.  I have habits that I know I need to break, things that I know need to change.  I need to be much more present in my life Here, and simply have faith that my Otherworld Self can handle His side of things.  Maybe I should set up a schedule with my Beloveds of when we see each other, because otherwise I keep wondering if they’re with me or not, and that constant distraction isn’t good.

Even though I feel raw since writing about isolating myself (even if that isolation wasn’t deliberate) I’ve found that working on this entry, and acknowledging in public that I have a lot that I need to change, has helped me.  I’m going to end this here, and go get lunch before class starts.

Hope and Light

Hope and Light is the future of Darkness.

As I talked about in another post, my practice has become much less about the gods and astral stuff, and more about the values that I’ve learned from Darkness.  Hope and Light–looking forward to the future, that there is a future, is one of those values.

It’s only now that I’m on medication for my mental health issues, and soon going back into therapy, that I can see myself having a future of any sort.  Before that, the future even two days from any point in time felt like a black hole of uncertainty.  It feels both wonderful and strange, to be able to look forward to anything, and not have upcoming time feel like a vague threat looming on the horizon.

To Live Separate Lives

Turn to another day, torn in two
only by design of my soul, that split
life that could no longer balance
in keeping Here and There separate.
Veils across My eyes, yet My mind moved
ever towards Darkness, walking that labyrinth,
secrets unfolding around Me; learning of what
ever that part of Me holds, what He knows now is
pristine and private, only for His knowledge.
Ascend again, oh King of Nowhere, King of Rot and
Ruin; the Beasts dance for My ascension, and what is
a new way forward but that heavy Crown of iron flowers?
Time does not stand still, not Here or There, and to pause
even this separation from My mortal form is to deny the
life that My soul calls to.  Perhaps this separation was
inevitable, there is only so much a mortal man can take;
Varian, you did not see how your mind nearly cracked until
each evening brought prayers to make it to sunrise.  I am your
shadow There, now you must have faith and let Me live without you.

A Magician Stuck In The Desert

I saw the flash fiction challenge on Fractured Faith this morning, and thought it sounded like fun.

The summoning circle in the center of the desert was filled with diet Coke.  It was not, Jason thought, his proudest moment as a magician, but he had to work with what he had.  At least he had a reason to summon a monster from the Otherworlds; they knew how to teleport, and his car had run out of gas.

The sand in the center of the circle began to swirl, becoming a funnel which would call forth monsters to do his bidding.

Magic doesn’t fix everything.  The words filled Jason’s head, reverberating and multiplying as a vision of creatures made of shadows filled his mind.

“I just want a ride home,” Jason said.  “I’ve summoned you for less, great beasts of the netherworld, so why won’t you help me now?”

Buy more gas, was the reply, we’re supposed to teach you how to fix your life, not do the fixing for you.

Before Jason could offer the package of mints he had bought, the funnel collapsed into just a pile of sand, and he was alone again.

What If…?

What if your Beloveds and Darkness vanish due to medicine?

That was a thought that went through my head several times when I was in the hospital.  I eventually came up with an answer to that.

Even if that proves that they weren’t real–or that they’re stepping back to give my privacy and to adjust to medicine–I can still live by the values they’ve taught me.

That might be the direction my practice goes for a while, focusing on the values of Darkness, and bringing those values into my life, rather than focusing on a crystal clear connection with the gods and Otherworld stuff.

A Quiet New Years

Yesterday was New Years in the Otherworlds.  I honestly expected to still be in the hospital, so I had absolutely no plans in advance.

It was a quiet day for me.  I spent some time with some f/Family members that I hadn’t seen in a while, and did a brief tarot reading to check in on how Darkness has been doing since I’ve been gone (my Otherworld Self has been handling my responsibilities.)  All the Summer Rituals went well, and so did the Wild Hunt.

I did a reading to check in with my People, and the final card I drew from them was the 3 of Swords.  The words that came to mind when I pulled that card were “We’re all healing, together.”

The Sound of Madness

It’s funny–not in a humorous way, just bitterly amusing–that all of this began with [Otherworld Me].  The number of times I was told that no, I’m perfectly fine mentally and have nothing wrong [either in conversation or in trying to research my symptoms] is something I’ve lost count of.  The entire time, I had this gut feeling of something is wrong.  Even when being told that no, I’m totally sane and just having a spiritual experience, that something is wrong feeling persisted.

Thank the King of Shattered Conscious I listened to those feelings.

I got out of the hospital yesterday; I was there for several days due to hallucinating and hearing voices, on top of my regular dissociation episodes.  I got put on medicine, one for depression and one for hallucinations, which also calms my intrusive thoughts.

I had no idea how bad it was, until the medicine made it stop.

That’s where my life is at right now, getting more doctor appointments arranged, getting a new therapist, and adjusting to my medication.  I do have medicine that’s helping me, and my pill box found a home on my shrine.