My Better Me

Alternative Title: Varian Is Calling Himself Out On His Shit.

My journey into polytheism, being a godspouse, and (later still) sacred Kingship began when I was severely isolated.  I was physically isolated, I grew up in a rural area (and due to being legally blind, I can’t drive) but even more so emotionally isolated.  I now live in a more urban area, and am in college, but the self-imposed emotional isolated has remained.  I didn’t deliberately emotionally isolate myself, but those patterns that I developed over many years have stayed in place far beyond what’s necessary.

I got some divination back recently, and it confirmed that my connection to my Otherworld Self has been severed.  I’m unsure how I feel about this, even though I understand that it’s necessary.  It’s necessary because I’ve slowly realized over the last few months that I used the Otherworlds and my life There as a form of escapism and a way to avoid my life Here–and I’ve been doing that for years.  I’ve written about this before, wanting to give up Here for There, and rationally knowing that it’s a bad thing…but looking back at my private journal and seeing just how far back in time that longing goes, feels like a massive wake up call.

What I do now, I’m not entirely sure.  I have habits that I know I need to break, things that I know need to change.  I need to be much more present in my life Here, and simply have faith that my Otherworld Self can handle His side of things.  Maybe I should set up a schedule with my Beloveds of when we see each other, because otherwise I keep wondering if they’re with me or not, and that constant distraction isn’t good.

Even though I feel raw since writing about isolating myself (even if that isolation wasn’t deliberate) I’ve found that working on this entry, and acknowledging in public that I have a lot that I need to change, has helped me.  I’m going to end this here, and go get lunch before class starts.

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3 thoughts on “My Better Me

    • I think it’s needed right now, so I don’t fall back into the habit of *constantly* wondering if someone is there or not.

      Jake has a really steady schedule in his life. I should set up one with the Dreamer and the Madman; at least one for ‘phone calls” if they can’t be around due to their Ruling-of-Darkness Duties.

      Liked by 1 person

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