Alternative Title: Varian Is Calling Himself Out On His Shit.
My journey into polytheism, being a godspouse, and (later still) sacred Kingship began when I was severely isolated. I was physically isolated, I grew up in a rural area (and due to being legally blind, I can’t drive) but even more so emotionally isolated. I now live in a more urban area, and am in college, but the self-imposed emotional isolated has remained. I didn’t deliberately emotionally isolate myself, but those patterns that I developed over many years have stayed in place far beyond what’s necessary.
I got some divination back recently, and it confirmed that my connection to my Otherworld Self has been severed. I’m unsure how I feel about this, even though I understand that it’s necessary. It’s necessary because I’ve slowly realized over the last few months that I used the Otherworlds and my life There as a form of escapism and a way to avoid my life Here–and I’ve been doing that for years. I’ve written about this before, wanting to give up Here for There, and rationally knowing that it’s a bad thing…but looking back at my private journal and seeing just how far back in time that longing goes, feels like a massive wake up call.
What I do now, I’m not entirely sure. I have habits that I know I need to break, things that I know need to change. I need to be much more present in my life Here, and simply have faith that my Otherworld Self can handle His side of things. Maybe I should set up a schedule with my Beloveds of when we see each other, because otherwise I keep wondering if they’re with me or not, and that constant distraction isn’t good.
Even though I feel raw since writing about isolating myself (even if that isolation wasn’t deliberate) I’ve found that working on this entry, and acknowledging in public that I have a lot that I need to change, has helped me. I’m going to end this here, and go get lunch before class starts.