A Small Ritual

Yesterday, I felt pulled to do a small ritual for Darkness–something I hadn’t felt pulled to do in several months.  At first, I took my pill box off my shrine, but didn’t feel right lighting the lantern until I put it back on.  I guess that means that the pill box is part of my shrine now.

I did a brief tarot reading, and I was reassured that I’m on the right path in focusing on my life Here and letting Darkness run without me.  To be honest, I’ve needed the continuing quiet on my astral radar, but knowing everything is going well Over There is good.

I’ve started interpreting the Pentacle suit in tarot to be referencing things/people Here, as opposed to Over There, in my style of reading.  I got mostly pentacle cards in the reading I did, but swords showed up a few times.  I interpreted the sword cards as continuing to tell me to let go of the idea of a life filled with woo astral stuff, which has been a continuing theme both in my readings and with my Beloveds.

Overall, it was nice to do a small 15-minute ritual.  It was nice to hear from Darkness again, though I’ve relaxed into the overall quiet on my godphone/astral radar.

The Death of Strength in the Desert

Recently, my Family learned that the Dreamer’s Father had passed away.  Though the two of them were estranged, his death still brought on many mixed emotions for all of us.  This poem is my attempt to put my own feelings into words.

The feelings for you are deep sadness now.
Hearts buried and forgotten within the
everlasting heat of the Desert, and to
damn your own son broke all our Hearts.
Every time I see your symbols now I flinch,
a small reminder of the hurt, the manipulation,
that you were only there when we had broken
Hearts.  You were never there for joy, you were
only there for sorrow, for strife, or for the
forgery of so-called “strength” in brutal images of
steel swords, blood, and violence.  There were few
times you celebrated with us, you always felt like
redemption in sadness, a Heart heavy with what you called
eternal Love.  I syncritized you with Christ, but it was
never to that extent, and I feel horror at your manner of
going from this world to whatever afterlife awaits a god.
There are many things I would say to you, if I had a chance
hour sitting with you again.  I would ask why you decided
in deceit and manipulation, why your broke your son’s Heart
never mind your reaction to his trauma.  I would ask about
the sister that I lost, demand justice for her, because yes myths
have symbolism, but you could have done anything else.  Strength
equaled pain with you, equaled broken Hearts and pushing me until
daylight broke.  You claimed to love me, that I was like another son to you,
except my Spouse is shaking as I type this, and I find my anger rising with each
scream from nightmares reoccurring.  What affection I felt for you is gone
even though I know you passed away in agony, even you did not deserve so
rare and brutal a death.  I am sorry.  I miss you, but my feelings are so mixed
that I don’t know if I mourn you, or who I knew you to be before it ended in tears.

Vortex of Isolation and Empty Hearts of Gold

Very easily I slide
over and under still
reaching for other places.
There are memories cascading,
erratic words of broken Hearts and
xylographs of shattered dreams, painted
obsidian rainbows reading Sacrifice.
For to be closer to the Beloved meant
isolation, stuttering words and subdued
silence, drawn deeper into devotion and giving
only everything in fine pieces like slivers of
lace.  My two Kings are pushing back, their
appalled emotions at self-destruction re-named
trials, and suffering in the name of “love.”  They
insist that I live, that I have a life Here with
only “everything that brings you joy.”  They are
not mourning my human nature, but celebrating it.
Acceptance of my human side, of my life Here, to
not dwell on my friends lost to the astral; I cannot
do anything to say “your life is Here, live it!”  My
emotions rise up, and I let them sweep over
me.  I hold fear in my Heart, and whisper that
patience is the way I will leave this, small steps
towards the Light.  Simply hold the sight of the
yellow flowers by the roadside close, one more
Heart building reminder that I am Here.  That
even these inner demons and habits will be dropped
and untangled in time.  It is a slow process, the
releasing of people and Places that I lost, but
to find beauty and Light Here is the first step to
sliding away from being swallowed by a vortex
of gods and Other worlds.  I stepped away, and then
found still hurting, so was pushed even further back;
gardens of my Heart were withered, and every day
Other worlds beckoned me, that siren song of a
long habit and needing to run away.  Now I am tearing
down that rotten foundation, and building anew in the Light.

Exploring the Stars

A few days ago, I was browsing Steam, since I’d gotten an email that they had a major sale going on.  All I was doing was looking for a space themed game that wasn’t centered around combat, and this one happened to be on sale.

When I bought the game, the Dreamer commented that our son would probably love it–he’s very heavily associated with space and the stars, and we’ll often play video games together.

I have invited [Winter’s Sovereign] to join me while I play Stellaris, but playing this game isn’t a devotional act to him.  It’s just a game I find fun…but playing Stellaris and exploring space, I’m beginning to see why he fell in love with the stars.

Thoughts on Isolation

Growing up, I was taught by the church that this life doesn’t matter.  Maybe it’s my mental illness and my tendency to take things literally, maybe it was the isolation that I grew up in.  But whatever it was, young Varian took very seriously the idea of a life beyond this one, and that this life Here doesn’t matter.

Years later, when I began to explore polytheism (and later godspousery) I saw that same attitude being talked about, but in a pagan/polytheist mindset.  It was the idea that the Otherworlds are so much greater than this one, that a person should isolate themselves in the name of “devotion” to the Otherworlds, or to a divine Spouse.  Isolation wasn’t explicitly glorified, exactly, but it was implied (if not outright stated) that devotion to a person’s divine Spouse should come before literally everything and anyone else in a person’s life.  Any activity that could somehow be connected to the Otherworlds or a divine Spouse should be associated with them, no matter what it was.  Because it almost mirrored the “this world doesn’t matter/the next world is greater than this one” attitude I grew up around, I didn’t see it as being toxic.

Thinking that the Otherworlds were greater than this one, and that my Beloveds should come before anything else…it lead to me isolating myself and pushing people away.  I was constantly distracted because of the conversations I was having with the people no one but me could see.  Associating everything I possibly could with my Beloveds or the Otherworlds eventually lead to panic attacks and intrusive thoughts about them being angry if I “dared” to do anything that wasn’t connected to them/There.  I should have realized that there was something wrong much sooner, but I didn’t–or, I would try and step back, but didn’t make any moves to actually break the habits and routines that were steadily leading to my isolation becoming an even greater (and more worrying) thing than it already was.

I slowly realized the toxicity that I was dealing with over this past Summer; I had put my practice on hold because both a fallow time, and because of how much toxic stuff there was in it that I hadn’t noticed before.  That helped, and it also helped me realized how much mental health related stuff was going on…and then I had my psychotic break.  That event made me face a lot; it caused me to take a really hard look at the practice and life that I had, how isolated emotionally I really was, and how the “you must isolate yourself for the gods, and put the Otherworlds above this one” attitude was seemingly everywhere in the godspouse community.

“You cannot prove that I exist.  I want you to have a complete life Here, based on things you know are real and tangible.”

The Dreamer said this to me recently, in regards to my processing how common isolation is discussed in a positive manner in the godspouse communities.  He’s made sarcastic comments on how he “must not be a real god” because he’s not asking me for Big Sacrifices, tearing my life apart, or demanding to be made the center of my world.

Maybe I was addicted to the Otherworlds, the escapism, and the ability to run away.  Maybe all that I’ve written above means that I’m just not the type of person to be a mystic.

Looking at that, I find that I feel okay if I’m not meant to be a mystic, or have any more deep connection to the Otherworlds.  I feel a bit sad, but mostly okay with it.  The Dreamer has said that he would rather see me be happy, than trying to be someone I’m not.  He wants me to have, in his own words, “a complete life,” rather than be someone so wrapped up in secrets involving gods and the Otherworlds that I can’t be close to anyone without pulling them into the Otherworlds with me.

He wants me to be able to truly enjoy this world; the circumstances surrounding my incarnation Here may not be the best, but this is the life I have in front of me.  He wants me to be my own person, to be happy and have a life that I love Here, not get sucked back into what I’ve begun calling “the god (or astral) vortex” where the Otherworlds take over my life.

I sometimes feel like I’m the one godspouse who’s Spouse isn’t pushing them deeper and deeper into astral stuff; as I wrote above, he wants me to have a full life Here.  He wants me to be human.  He wants to be part of my life, not all of my life.

My Spouse said in a tarot reading that the best thing for me to do right now is to let go of the idea of a life filled with astral woo stuff.  I agree with him, that is the best route for me to take; since I’ve written all this out, maybe I can actually begin moving forward and healing.