Thoughts on Isolation

Growing up, I was taught by the church that this life doesn’t matter.  Maybe it’s my mental illness and my tendency to take things literally, maybe it was the isolation that I grew up in.  But whatever it was, young Varian took very seriously the idea of a life beyond this one, and that this life Here doesn’t matter.

Years later, when I began to explore polytheism (and later godspousery) I saw that same attitude being talked about, but in a pagan/polytheist mindset.  It was the idea that the Otherworlds are so much greater than this one, that a person should isolate themselves in the name of “devotion” to the Otherworlds, or to a divine Spouse.  Isolation wasn’t explicitly glorified, exactly, but it was implied (if not outright stated) that devotion to a person’s divine Spouse should come before literally everything and anyone else in a person’s life.  Any activity that could somehow be connected to the Otherworlds or a divine Spouse should be associated with them, no matter what it was.  Because it almost mirrored the “this world doesn’t matter/the next world is greater than this one” attitude I grew up around, I didn’t see it as being toxic.

Thinking that the Otherworlds were greater than this one, and that my Beloveds should come before anything else…it lead to me isolating myself and pushing people away.  I was constantly distracted because of the conversations I was having with the people no one but me could see.  Associating everything I possibly could with my Beloveds or the Otherworlds eventually lead to panic attacks and intrusive thoughts about them being angry if I “dared” to do anything that wasn’t connected to them/There.  I should have realized that there was something wrong much sooner, but I didn’t–or, I would try and step back, but didn’t make any moves to actually break the habits and routines that were steadily leading to my isolation becoming an even greater (and more worrying) thing than it already was.

I slowly realized the toxicity that I was dealing with over this past Summer; I had put my practice on hold because both a fallow time, and because of how much toxic stuff there was in it that I hadn’t noticed before.  That helped, and it also helped me realized how much mental health related stuff was going on…and then I had my psychotic break.  That event made me face a lot; it caused me to take a really hard look at the practice and life that I had, how isolated emotionally I really was, and how the “you must isolate yourself for the gods, and put the Otherworlds above this one” attitude was seemingly everywhere in the godspouse community.

“You cannot prove that I exist.  I want you to have a complete life Here, based on things you know are real and tangible.”

The Dreamer said this to me recently, in regards to my processing how common isolation is discussed in a positive manner in the godspouse communities.  He’s made sarcastic comments on how he “must not be a real god” because he’s not asking me for Big Sacrifices, tearing my life apart, or demanding to be made the center of my world.

Maybe I was addicted to the Otherworlds, the escapism, and the ability to run away.  Maybe all that I’ve written above means that I’m just not the type of person to be a mystic.

Looking at that, I find that I feel okay if I’m not meant to be a mystic, or have any more deep connection to the Otherworlds.  I feel a bit sad, but mostly okay with it.  The Dreamer has said that he would rather see me be happy, than trying to be someone I’m not.  He wants me to have, in his own words, “a complete life,” rather than be someone so wrapped up in secrets involving gods and the Otherworlds that I can’t be close to anyone without pulling them into the Otherworlds with me.

He wants me to be able to truly enjoy this world; the circumstances surrounding my incarnation Here may not be the best, but this is the life I have in front of me.  He wants me to be my own person, to be happy and have a life that I love Here, not get sucked back into what I’ve begun calling “the god (or astral) vortex” where the Otherworlds take over my life.

I sometimes feel like I’m the one godspouse who’s Spouse isn’t pushing them deeper and deeper into astral stuff; as I wrote above, he wants me to have a full life Here.  He wants me to be human.  He wants to be part of my life, not all of my life.

My Spouse said in a tarot reading that the best thing for me to do right now is to let go of the idea of a life filled with astral woo stuff.  I agree with him, that is the best route for me to take; since I’ve written all this out, maybe I can actually begin moving forward and healing.

17 thoughts on “Thoughts on Isolation

  1. That makes two of us. I worry sometimes about not focusing hard enough on my King – I mean, come on, I’m a servant! – but He always pushes me towards any opportunity to have a fun, healthy “normal human experience”, since those are extremely lacking in my life (not because of Him, but just because of reasons).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s so important what you address here and I think there are more than just a few godspouses out there with the same problem… isolation. I also know it. I can relate to this problem very good.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, I’ve been wanting to write about it for a while now.

      When there was a more active godspouse community on WordPress, there were *so many* posts about being unable to relate to “normal” people…and it was treated like it was a good thing.


  3. I learned the hard way that there are so many people who are just guessing at what to do, and that they shouldn’t be held as examples to follow. Every one is a teacher, but not every one is a good one.

    You can be a mystic if you want to, just practice control. Know that you are in control of it. If you feel that you aren’t, back away from it. I was pushed by the same community you were to isolate myself and give all of myself to a being without any encouragement for discernment. If I was not feeling well or safe, screw that. I still had to do it. This isn’t right! It put me in a very bad place. This is not good practice, nor is it mysticism.

    I had to shut all of it off, focusing only on nature and physical spirituality. Even now, I have the door to my mind shut and bolted closed. It hasn’t affected my path by blocking my access to the divine, not at all. But it has kept my own inner demons and the loose, unprotected insanity we all carry a little bit of, from gaining over me. Many times, beings that would come to terrorize me succeeded because I had not known of the dangers of keeping my mind too open. They all fail now, because I learned.

    What I’m trying to say is, focus on yourself. Learn who you are, separate from your gods. Learn how to be the boss of your spiritual path and listen to yourself and your own needs – as defined by YOU, not anyone else. They aren’t going to abandon you if they love you. If they disappear forever (they won’t, just covering the bases), you’ll have room for something beautiful and empowering. if they remain and you are content with them, you already have something beautiful.

    I hope what I’m saying will help you. If you had a teacher you’d have been taught that not every voice you hear is a god (many are our own inner voices), and how to be in control. This is something that enrages me about the pagan community overall. Working with any sort of spirit requires the mind, and that is dangerous without understanding how to use it.

    I hope you are well. I’m here.

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    • My Beloveds are still around, but their presence is very quiet. I’m okay with that.

      Right now I feel like I need a long break from any sort of astral stuff; the Dreamer reminded me that I can *control* the amount of devotional *stuff* that I do, and that he’s okay if morning coffee offerings are the most I can do.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I was nodding along with so much of what you wrote! the godspouse isolation, the idea of ordeals or sacrifices, the escapism all this negative stuff leading to intrusive thoughts, severe anxiety, etc ME TOO
    and you’re so right, there’s this strong idea, one that I fall into all the time, is that the otherworlds are better than here. but the spirits are trying to nudge me to connect to the land here, to enjoy the weather, to enjoy my life.
    I’m glad the Dreamer is at your side, encouraging you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had a feeling you could relate to this.

      Lately I’ve been working on reconnecting with people and places Here, and that can be as simple as noticing the leaves changing color since it’s Autumn now.

      I’m glad the spirits are encouraging you to connect with your life Here.

      The Dreamer is very much encouraging me to spend time with my family and friends Here, even if it’s knitting in the same room while they watch TV. He’s also encouraging me to spend time with Otherworld people Here instead of traveling Over There.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m rereading this because you linked to it and I relate to it SO MUCH. It feels relevant both to how the same toxic ideas made me ill, and also how even today, I think about Valhalla or Camelot or wherever as ~a better place to be~.
    This post makes me want to go outside and get some fresh air.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Especially with the pandemic, I find thoughts about Darkness being “a better place” popping up again. I know it’s due to the pandemic, but it’s also stressful to be dealing with that again.

      I just came back from my post-therapy walk, so your comment about fresh air made me smile.

      Liked by 1 person

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