Destruction (A Month for the Madman)

He first appeared to me as the Destroyer, a deity who ruled over the Underworld with a Throne of Iron.  He holds that Throne with his head held high in the gloom, in Halls that resonate with both song and silence.

My Beloved is a god of both creation and destruction; as his own Beloved creates, he destroys what once was, placing it firmly in the Past.  His fire is both comforting fire of the Hearth, and the destructive fire of Justice.

He is both gentleness and villainy, and for both extremes, I adore him.

Anniversary (A Month for the Madman)

Through this past year, you have been my stability, my rock to stand on, my soft place to land.  You have been my guiding hand through blindness, through a fallow time when I felt my sanity slipping away, and you’ve held me close as I’ve come out the other side.  You’ve reminded me that you love me–all of me–and that you are always within my Heart.

Happy anniversary, Beloved, I love you. ❤

Fated (A Month for the Madman)

You stand against giving everything–maybe it’s because you’ve seen those who have been broken by their gods unto the point of death, maybe it’s that the Villain needs something to stand against.

So why not be the man rumored to have a Heart of stone, who in fact Loves so deeply and fiercely that he would walk the road of Fate, so that his Beloved could be free.

Music and Quieting The Voices (A Month for the Madman)

I already knew that my Husband was a fan of Sopor Aeternus & the Ensemble of Shadows for the classical pieces, an entire album based on Poe’s poetry, and all of Anna Varney’s work being Super Goth…but I found out today that her music also quiets the people in my head.

I don’t know if it’s the complexity of her music, or if it’s that Anna herself describes her music as being written for “dead children, [and otherwise wounded souls,]” and several of the people in my head are young children.  Either way, I’m listening to the album Poetica (All Beauty Sleeps) as I type this post; I feel grounded Here, and slightly less shattered.

I personally prefer the version of “The Sleeper” found on Dead Lovers’ Sarabande (Face One) over the Poetica version, but both of them are fantastic.  The Dead Lovers’ Sarabande albums already reminded me of my Beloved, with him loving classical music, and ruling over the Underworld of Darkness.  Today’s discovery that this band helps the inside of my head be quiet, means it’s going to make me think of him even more.

King of Evil and Love (A Month for the Madman)

King of Shattered Conscious, of steps
into the Past, into my Heart, what is
now coming to be in my mind, has it
gone away, or has this always been there?
On the voices, and the chanting, and the other
four people in my head, I feel like I’m not
even being seen as taken seriously.  What rotten
vine does my shattered mind and self come from?
In what disguise have my (possible) alters hidden, how
long has my sense of self been shattered for?  My mind has
always felt like it was too quiet, too still, but I find that
now that I may know what is wrong with me, that I feel
damaged even more now that I know the possible answer.
Long is going to be the wait for testing–at least a few weeks,
or maybe a month, and I’m going to need your help, because
various things may be wrong, and not know is half the battle,
even typing this, I can feel the people in my head waking up.

Stages of Asexuality (Carnival of Aces)

This month’s theme is Asexuality and Poetry.

I. Missing Out

Every time sex is talked about as a “temptation,” I feel confused, and disgusted.  I don’t understand why anyone would want to do that, and being asked about who I have a crush on leaves me feeling cold.  At least this is one sin I’ll be able to easily avoid, why is it so hard for everyone else?

II. Trial And Error

I fall in love with someone, and the few times we do have sex, it’s awkward and I feel wrong.  I’m forcing myself to be someone I’m not, and it’s a relief when he doesn’t seem to care that we haven’t had sex in months.  When I finally realize that I’m asexual–and everything makes sense now–he hugs me, and says that he will love and support me, no matter what.

III. Rings

My first ring is a size large, so I put a ring guard under it so it fits.  Eventually the black fades, exposing the gold underneath.  I leave this ring behind when I move out of my home–it no longer feels “right” on my finger.

My second ring has small stones surrounding it.  It’s lovely, but eventually it begins to feel awkward as well, as I explore my gender identity.  It’s too feminine, and I’m slowly beginning to identify as more and more masculine.

I purchase a new black ring–my Beloved helped me find it, he said to consider it an anniversary gift–and I have lyrics from one our songs carved inside the band.  His support and Love has meant everything as I explore my identity, and I find that I’m much more relaxed in our relationship now.

IV. Geometry

“Your relationship is deeper because you don’t have sex.”

I stare at the words on the screen, trying to figure out why they feel like they hurt me.  I’ve made it clear in all my relationship that I’m asexual and sex repulsed, so why does it hurt when someone says my relationships are “deeper” because of a lack of sex?

V. Freedom

These days, my asexuality feels like freedom.  I can say “I love you” to my friends, and feel comfortable doing so.  I know why my first impulse is to skim the sex scenes in romance novels, wondering why these people can’t just cuddle.  I feel comfortable in being seen as single, and find that I love the life I have now.

Cracked Mirror (A Month for the Madman)

When I feel as though I am a cracked mirror,
you are there to hold me close as I fall apart.

This feeling of being shattered hurts, Beloved
I might be multiple people all crammed together,

I feel as though I have always been faking who I am
yet you’re still with me, even as I take three steps

backwards in healing.  I need a guidebook for how to
be a polytheist and dissociative, is that too much to ask?

Rebel (A Month for the Madman)

You push back against those who would break their own, as firm as stone in your convictions that there must be a better way beyond fire and tormented Hearts.  You are steadfast in your kindness; for you, to rebel means to gather up the weary souls, and lead them Home to your Gardens of crystalline Light.

A Neon Knitting Project

I’ve begun a new knitting project.  It’s supposed to be a shawl, but based on the pattern gauge, yarn, and needle size, it’s going to be more like a small blanket by the time I’m finished.  Thanks to the Dreamer, it’s also going to be the brightest colored thing I’ve ever knit.  It’s not quite neon colored, but it’s much brighter than anything else I’ve made.

This project does have a lot of meaning to my Family, so my Beloveds went to the yarn store with me to help me pick the colors.  The Dreamer fell in love with the black yarn with rainbow ribbons woven into it, and decided that it should be the main color for the project.  The other three colors he picked out were purple, turquoise…and yellow.

“Are you absolutely sure about this,” I asked him, staring at the colors he’d picked.  I’d been picturing darker, more royal colors (pun intended) which is what most of my knitting projects have been.

“I am,” he replied with a grin.

“There’s no blue.”  I had been surprised when he had decided not to have any royal blue in the shawl, since blue is one of his favorite colors.

“Turquoise is a shade of blue,” I could sense his amusement, “and purple is in the same color family. Besides,” he bent over the pattern, “if you put stripes here and here,” he showed me a mental image of what he was thinking of, “it can work.”

I have started the project using the purple yarn to begin with, and right now it’s knitting up fast (but I’m still early in the project.)  It’s knit from the top down, adding four stitches each right side row, so eventually it’s going to be huge.  It’s also a simple knit, mostly garter stitch, so as I’m working on it I can think about why this shawl means so much to my Family.

Last night, while adding the rainbow yarn, the Dreamer reminded me of some Darkness traditions.  The ribbon in the black yarn is a way of bringing that tradition Here, in a way that I can participate in it (I keep my hair cut short Here to pass as male, so can’t braid ribbons into my hair.)  The bright ribbons also work as a “Light in Darkness” as a play on words, and my Spouse said that with this project, I’m literally weaving (or knitting, in this case) our growing Family closer together.