Stages of Asexuality (Carnival of Aces)

This month’s theme is Asexuality and Poetry.

I. Missing Out

Every time sex is talked about as a “temptation,” I feel confused, and disgusted.  I don’t understand why anyone would want to do that, and being asked about who I have a crush on leaves me feeling cold.  At least this is one sin I’ll be able to easily avoid, why is it so hard for everyone else?

II. Trial And Error

I fall in love with someone, and the few times we do have sex, it’s awkward and I feel wrong.  I’m forcing myself to be someone I’m not, and it’s a relief when he doesn’t seem to care that we haven’t had sex in months.  When I finally realize that I’m asexual–and everything makes sense now–he hugs me, and says that he will love and support me, no matter what.

III. Rings

My first ring is a size large, so I put a ring guard under it so it fits.  Eventually the black fades, exposing the gold underneath.  I leave this ring behind when I move out of my home–it no longer feels “right” on my finger.

My second ring has small stones surrounding it.  It’s lovely, but eventually it begins to feel awkward as well, as I explore my gender identity.  It’s too feminine, and I’m slowly beginning to identify as more and more masculine.

I purchase a new black ring–my Beloved helped me find it, he said to consider it an anniversary gift–and I have lyrics from one our songs carved inside the band.  His support and Love has meant everything as I explore my identity, and I find that I’m much more relaxed in our relationship now.

IV. Geometry

“Your relationship is deeper because you don’t have sex.”

I stare at the words on the screen, trying to figure out why they feel like they hurt me.  I’ve made it clear in all my relationship that I’m asexual and sex repulsed, so why does it hurt when someone says my relationships are “deeper” because of a lack of sex?

V. Freedom

These days, my asexuality feels like freedom.  I can say “I love you” to my friends, and feel comfortable doing so.  I know why my first impulse is to skim the sex scenes in romance novels, wondering why these people can’t just cuddle.  I feel comfortable in being seen as single, and find that I love the life I have now.

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