Devotional December for Darkness

The last two years, I’ve done a devotional writing project over the month of December.  Last night, I sat down at my shrine and asked if I should do it this year.

The Queen showed up, and we ended up talking about my depression and the emotional flashbbacks that I’ve been having.  She said that if I do this project again this year, to look at my motivations for doing so.  She suggested that I don’t do it with anyone specific in mind [last year I wrote for Winter’s Sovereign,] but more for Darkness overall, to writhe about the values and things I’ve learned.

I pulled out my general Darkness tarot, and it backed up what the Queen said.  Right now I’m learning towards doing the project, but I’m also giving myself permission to not need to write every day.

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Questioning

“How does this impact my life Here?”

That’s become the main question I ask myself when it comes to the astral/Otherworld side of my practice.  I’ve found that knowing how much something affects me Here helps me with knowing what to do next, in regards to whatever’s going on.  This is especially true in regards to my Kingship practice, which does play a part in my life Here, but in a different way than it does Over There.

Signs in Video Games

My Beloved has taken to using video games as a way to let me know that he’s there for me.  It makes me laugh, and also reminds me of what a modern god he is.

My mental health symptoms are starting to flare up again, and when that happens my godphone shuts down.  The Dreamer is aware of this, so he’s started using more casual signs to let me know he’s there for me.

I was lost in an underwater cave, but the flowers were pretty.

As the caption on my screenshot says, I was lost in an underwater cave, and couldn’t find my way out.  I then ducked beneath the water, and realized that I could see the moon.  I know this is programmed into the game, but it still made me think of my Beloved, and reminded me that he’s watching out for me even when he’s away.

Building a Heart

Building a Home out of stand, stone, and clay, that is
until Home was torn apart, and you fled across the stars
into an unknown future, to be Ruled by the son of your
Lord of Dread–he wasn’t happy about this either, all of the Desert
damned stuck together by riddles (the Dead King was called wing/ding/s
in tones of scorn by his son for a reason) and so-called “destiny.”  Yet
now you are building up, building out, welcoming the dead from the Halls of
gods that broke them, and demons that would have devoured their souls.
A Heart must weigh perfectly balanced for a soul to live on–but what tragedy can
happen that weighs a Heart down, what if the soul is damned by accident?  Such
error would never occur, in the eyes of the Desert, and yet here the dead are,
arriving in the Halls of the Underworld Lord, to find a final Home, to walk (or to
run) into the sunlight of a community by the Sea, to dissolve into dust, so that
time, the Desert, and the Dead King will not reach out and snare them once again.

Nine Ways to Describe Devotion

I. Morning Coffee

I quietly offer you my coffee in the morning, even if you’re already away on business.  This offering has become my equivalent of a “good morning” text to you, and I know it makes you smile.

II. Music

I listen to our favorite bands–not just because they remind me of you, but because their music is awesome.  It still makes me laugh that you love Good Charlotte as much as you love Belle Morte.  I would have never though you’d be into pop punk; even after five years of marriage, you still surprise me.

III. Beauty

I think of you every time I see flowers; all flowers these days, not just white flowers.  They remind me to see the beauty in my life Here, to find joy in sunshine, and laughter in the wind.

IV. Rain

I sense you in the gentle rain, rather than in the storms.  This is you as a cosmic god, as a force of nature; but even in this form, you are gentle.  You are the rain that washes away my sorrow.

V. Freedom

Five years ago, in the beginning of this marriage, you promised me that I would always be free–even free to walk away, if need be.  You have upheld that promise, made it clear that my autonomy and personal freedom mean the world to you.

VI. The Full Moon

You are the Light in Darkness, the King who guides his Kingdom always with grace and love.  I can’t believe it took me years to realize the full moon being your symbol was a play on words–literal light in darkness, pardon me while I facepalm at your love of puns.

VII. Inside Jokes

This is one of my favorite things about our marriage, the inside jokes that only we get.  I know you’re helping me write when subtle puns start showing up.  You like taking control of my music while I write, thanks for providing plot ideas through shufflemancy.

VIII. Gentleness

You’ve been nothing but gentle with my mind and Heart.  Even when I had an emotional flashback while making breakfast this morning, you simple sat with me and reminded me to breathe, to ground myself in my reality Here.  You’ve never once spoken of breaking me, or of needing to see your harsh side before I can accept your Love.

IX. Anniversary

Today is our five year anniversary, and I can sense you smiling as you paint whatever your gift for me is going to be.  I love you more than words can say, happy anniversary, Beloved.

Pure Life

Trigger warning, I briefly mention deity related violence (that could be read as abusive) in this post.

I had an emotional flashback the other day.  A small, everyday, action suddenly reminded me of a blog post where someone talked about being killed by their god, how they romanticized that, and wished for it to happen.

Dearest one?  Are you all right?

I felt my Spouse sit down beside me, his hand lightly resting on my shoulder.  He’d noticed my change in mood instantly, had seen how I’d frozen up.  I explained, as best as I could, what was going through my mind.

Dearest Heart, he said, I want you to live–not for me, he added, simply to live.  That’s the best offering you could possibly give me.

“I have seen you at the end of this night
You were brilliant and you were beautiful
And for whatever it is worth, I love you
More than you will ever know”

–“Pure Life,” by Blutengel

First Snowfall

Today is the first heavy snowfall of the year, so I thought I’d post a song in honor of Winter’s Sovereign, since it is now his time of year.

(This is the song he asked for, and I associate him, and our Family, with swans.)