2019 Reflections

Well, that was…a year.

That’s my first thought about 2019, to be honest. Looking back at my journal, a lot really did happen:

  • I became a father to two wonderful astral children
  • I got a job (then lost it two months later)
  • There was a shitstorm of a breakup with my platonic Otherworld partner
  • I lost one of my best friends
  • I got accused of faking DID by my ex-therapist, I promptly dumped him, and got my current therapist, who absolutely rocks
  • Trauma memories began to resurface
  • I think at least three new alters did the “HEY WE’RE OVER HERE” dissociative introduction thing that’s so fun /sarcasm
  • I began to formally work with the Queen of Darkness, which has been an immensely healing thing for me

So looking at that list above, a lot of stuff did happen. For some reason, it just doesn’t feel like a lot happened?

I don’t do much in the way of New Year’s resolutions, if I do come up with any I’ll write about them in another post. Now I’m going back to knitting and trying to recover from whatever plague I caught over Christmas.

Winter's Night 2019

I spent some time with my f/Family over in Darkness for Winter’s Night, which was this past Saturday (December 21st.) I had a family party to go to Here, so I couldn’t stay at that level of bi-location for very long, but I did enjoy getting to spend some time with my oldest son, who I hadn’t seen in a while.

Speaking of Winter’s Sovereign, he was the one who gave the speech this year, instead of the High King. That’s an entire Otherworld Political Thing that my Spouse has a lot of Feelings over–Winter’s Sovereign was crowned as the Future King [link] last Winter’s Night, but him giving the speech this year was a way of formalizing his role as Crown Prince/Future King.

I didn’t get to spend as much time There as I wanted to, but it was still really nice to see everyone and hang out with my f/Family, even if I did have to be in Formal King Mode for part of it.

A Dream, and A Reminder

I got a tarot reading back recently about my spiritual path. One card mentioned a King leaving, but us possibly being reunited, though not necessarily in a romantic relationship anymore. I had a knee-jerk reaction of panic, to which my Spouse showed up in my dreams to reassure me that he’s not going anywhere, even if our relationship may shift more to friendship, rather than romantic love.

I’d normally put this in my private dream logs, but he’s encouraging me to post it publicly.

*********

“I’m scared this is the last time I’ll be here.” I admit. I know this garden so well, it’s the High King’s personal gardens, filled with flowers from around the Universe. I know every path here, have spent time with my Spouse and played with our children here.

“Why do you think that,” he asks me.

I tell him about the reading, about the King leaving. I knew the King card could be about any older man, but my mind had jumped to him right away, that and with the distance between us that’s been exacerbated by my mental illness.

“Varian, dearest one.” He hugs me gently. “I’ve been alive for how long?”

“A good…” I pause and do the math, “6,000 years, at least.”

He nods. “And I’ve loved you all that time,” he says quietly. “Since I met you, I’ve loved you.”

“Even when we’ve been apart?”

“Even then, dearest Heart.” I feel his lips touch my hair. “I’ve always loved you in some way, even as our relationship has changed over time.”

I nod, and he takes my hand. We walk through the gardens together, but I’m still musing over the distance and space between us.

“It could simply mean that I need to be away,” he says, “if that King card was about me, that is.” He pauses. “I leave every Summer, remember?”

“I–oh!” Suddenly I’m laughing. “Oops, I forgot and panicked.”

He smiles. “I can understand why, things have been…fragile for you lately, haven’t they?”

“Yeah,” I move closer and put my arm around his waist, “they have been.”

We walk through the garden together, quietly talking and listening to our children as they play nearby.

FO Friday, Christmas Scarf

I’ve been working on this for several months now, and I got it done in time for Christmas! It’s a gift for a family member, and I’m so glad that I got it done in time.

My phone didn’t take a very good picture, the yarn is a much darker green than it looks. I think the glitter reflected and made the picture look much lighter than it really is.

The pattern is a simple 2×2 rib stitch, done on size 10 needles.

New Guitar!

I got this beauty today!

She doesn’t have a name yet (I name all my instruments,) but I’ve been wanting an electric guitar for a while now. Basically since I started playing guitar…five years ago, I think it was, I’ve wanted to get an electric.

I got her as a present for myself for making it through this year, and my guitar teacher let me play her before buying, which is awesome.

It’s going to be a bit of an adjustment going from an acoustic guitar to an electric. My acoustic has nylon strings, which are softer, while my electric has steel strings. My acoustic also has a much bigger body and wider neck, so it’s taking some adjustment to play an electric guitar, because my hands are like “where’s the rest of it???”

But this guitar is really pretty, and I’m really glad I got her.