(A Dream of the Silent Prince)

I dream of antlers tucked to my back
and wake to an empty space in my bed–

why now, oh Prince?  It is not yet Summer
not yet time for your Transformation, for
your Descent, nowhere near time for your Rising–

this drop of information told me something I knew
was coming; much sooner than usual–it is not even Spring–

Please, Summer,
be peaceful
this year.


Balancing Sight

I’ve been thinking about a card this god gave me in an outside reading, the two of Cups.  I have a feeling it’s connected to the Eye Thing I have going on, so I decided to write a poem to explore it.

“On my right, so I can see you.”
You say as we walk through
volcanoes and valleys.

“There’s a problem there,” I reply
holding up my own cane, “I’m blind
in my left eye.”  An unfortunate accident
at birth, a snapped retina that cannot be healed.

“Then we face each other,” you reply, “wasn’t that
what you wanted all along?  No lies or trickery, no
masking our agendas as the ‘greater good’.”

You’re a contradiction of a King, blind after the world
has ended, yet so young and not weighed down by
burdens of thousands of years of Ruling.  You spin
your cane as I think, allowing me silence, and for that

I am grateful.  There is pressure but it is all my own Heart,
all my own fear and rage and panic.  You’ve agreed to formality,
and that is enough to calm my irrational thoughts as they scream

that you are the Tower, that you will burn everything down;
you are not the Star–you are showing me that I still hold the Star
that the Evening Star is still in my trembling Heart, even after
all that has happened, you are showing that Hope still lives on.

A Conversation with the Dreamer, About Marriage

I used to think your Love was brutal,
that you wanted my Heart ripped
to shreds and stitched back together
in the name of Love and marriage.

No, dearest one.  You thought that devotion
meant being on fire and running yourself ragged,
that giving me your Heart meant bringing yourself
down in order to lift me up; I won’t stand for that
anymore; I never did, you know that now, my Beloved.

Looking back I see that now, but when being “on fire”
was the “proper” way to worship a god, when the way to
be married to one was to sacrifice and give everything–

What, I’m supposed to push all your limits?  Test all your fears
for the “greater good” of your well being?  Make myself the center of
your very world–when you were never given that space to yourself?
Your Heart is not my canvas to paint upon, dearest one, it is your own.

My anxiety is screaming at me, that you’re supposed to turn harsh–
you look so confused–that you’re going to be angry at me for “failing”–

I’ve been away, dearest one; why the fuck would I care what you did when
I’m gone?  You’re handling yourself well, you’re smiling, you’re happy.  You’ve
surrounded yourself with friends and family, you know now you’re not alone.

I once thought loving you was supposed to hurt–but now I know it isn’t.

Pain never comes from true love, dearest one.
We are not a tragedy, my Dark Star.

(A Reminder To Myself)

My anxiety has turned up to 11 over the last few days, about my deity Beloveds being gone.  I’m unsure if this is because of everything going on in my Kingship path, or if it’s just That Time on the Anxiety Roller Coaster (though I’m leaning towards the latter.)  So I’m writing this piece as a way to refute the brain screaming.

This is not a test of faith, or a test of seeing how much love I have for you; neither of you would be so cruel as to set me up to fail by pushing me into another’s arms.  You would not remind me that Love is Light, that Love is infinite, only to use that love to “test” me.

Neither of you are jealous gods.  You hold my Heart, yes, but you hold it loosely, give my Heart room to breathe, room to grow without you.  You understand that I have things I love beyond you, and that having those things does not mean that I love you any less.

You do not ask that I give all of my life to you–there is a difference between hyperbole and the language of oaths, and my obsessive thought patterns demand things be taken literally, that I must be “on fire” or I have failed.  “Faith and ebbs and flows,” you said to me, gently leading me back into my own world, pressing a kiss to my forehead and telling me to go to sleep.

It’s missing you that makes my Heart ache, not my love for you.

You love for me, and mine for you, is not a tragedy.


For the King of All Darkness

Steady are your hands as you build Darkness up,
tearing things down does nothing but hasten
endings.  Spring is slowly coming towards us
all, and there are new joys and new loves to be
discovered.  Change hit Darkness fast, but now
fissures have been smoothed over–not repaired with
another type of gilded paint, but with Justice that is
smooth and concrete.  In your steadfastness, all are
truly welcome in your Kingdom, and lifted up by you.

(Processing Kingship Things)

This poem is to process all the Things that are going on Over There right now, especially in regards to my Kingship path.

My friend of silver feathers–what
do we do now, with all this–rushing
down upon our heads?  Free Will is a
Pillar of Darkness, and yet…I’m terrified
this is nothing more than Fate haunting Me.

I don’t even know what to say
to this, other than what the fuck.

It’s all lining up a little bit too
perfectly; you found your family and
I stumbled into the very Crown that
My “father” would have given Me
had he drowned Me in the River.

I’m laughing at the irony of this, but…
I’m worried it’s to hold back a scream.

My Heritage Has Caught Up With Me (The Reason I Have Dyed My Hair Black)

My heritage has caught up with me
that corrupted crown of greed and gold
passed unwittingly from father to son;

but my hair screams chaos, violence,
slaughter and upheaval, an ending hidden
and gilded in the excuse of the “greater good.”

This is not a duality you want; I am a living contradiction,
a walking reminder of your pain and everything you
fled from, a blend of the worst traits of two brothers.

I am sorry.  I promise you
(on my Heart, I swear to you)
that you are Home, you are free

and that I will be a better King
than the one you fled across the
stars (such a long Journey) to escape.