The Past, Like Razors

I got multiple signs yesterday pointing to the Beasts of Outer Darkness (a catch-all name for the Monsters beyond my Family) wanting to work with me on shadow work; the tarot reading I recently wrote about mentioned “moving on,” and they have a specific thing in mind that I need to work on moving on from.

I then had a night of very strange, and very terrifying, dreams.  They’re not going to pull any punches when it comes to this shadow work.


All this began so long ago,
the Desert hiding amulets
and such well-hidden scorn

that no one knew what I faced
until I was ripped away, forced back
to the very people who claimed to love
and despise me in equal measure; this was

building up over thousands of
years of carefully balancing
hatred and greed with so-called
Justice and an idea that an Empire
would never fall and be lost to time.

Time and progress marches on
the glittering lights of Darkness say
that there is beauty in releasing
the Past, to let it flow through the Veils
of Eternity, to let the Past float down to
the East, to be cataloged and laid to rest.

To truly, finally give up the Desert is to break
my Heart all over again; to allow the grief to flow
to feel the pain at losing so much in one snap
of the fingers of an angry god.  The Past will rise
up and confront me, but it is better not to be buried

between lies and falsehoods of Love.  There is no
forgiveness, and I understand that; to heal from this
means giving up all tentative hope of reuniting, to sheild
myself from that reality only adds to the cracks in my Heart.

To cling to the Past is swallowing down the pain,
and all my old wounds, sharp words like knives that
have nowhere to go except for making me bleed.

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A Reading with the Monsters

I’ve gotten divination that’s pointed to the Monster spirits I work with being more active in my life in the coming year.  I’ve been getting more signs of them being around, and today they asked for a reading.


The first card, pulled with no question; the start of the conversation.

Card: 4 of Wands

This is a card about community and Home; that this is the first card they gave me indicates that they’re really stepping up in being involved in my life, not just being a ground of spirits I only acknowledge sometimes.

Okay, in what way?

Card: The Hermit

I heard one of them say “he has a star in his chest, Father.”  She was referencing the artwork, in which the Hermit has a star on what appears to be the back of his cloak, but could just as easily be over his Heart.

This card is normally about isolation and introspection, but in this case I’m getting a sense of it being more about moving on, moving forward, and following my own Light.

Is this Otherworld Me, or me-over-Here?  Reversed for Other Me, upright for me-over-Here.

They had me draw three cards; so it’s both Other Me and me-over-Here, with a bridge connecting them both.

Cards: 8 of Wands, 10 of Wands (bridge card), Queen of Pentacles (rev)

I’ve been making some rapid changes in my “mundane” life recently (finishing another semester of college, coming out as trans, writing more) and that hard work is not just going to pay off Here, but it will also help me in my goals in my Otherworld life (which makes sense, since me-here and Me Over There are connected.)

All right, then, that makes sense.  Is there any particular reason why you’re stepping up *now*?

Card: 7 of Pentacles

My practice has gone through a difficult time; this [the Monsters stepping up] is something that can change my practice radically and give it more structure than its had in the past.  This group of spirits being more present can also help me work towards understanding Darkness more.

“Understanding Darkness more,” in what way do you mean?

Card: the Magician (rev.)

This card points to understanding who I am to Darkness; learning more about how I fit into this Realm, which will lead to learning more about Darkness in general.  That this card is reversed carries a warning; to not become so caught up in what I’m learning about the Otherworlds that I neglect my life Here.

(I asked if they had anything more to say, and got a “no.)

Thoughts on Shrine Developments

Over the past week, I’ve begun to take some small steps to build my practice, especially since I realized I wanted my practice to have more structure rather than more formality.  The first step I took was to rearranged my general shrine for Darkness.  It’s still very simple (the only additions were a shrine cloth, and three white roses) and it’s been moved from my dresser to the top of a bookshelf by my bed.

The roses were first placed on the shrine as a symbol of life coming from ruin…and then while talking with a friend, I remembered that white roses are connected with Kingship in Darkness.  That there are three roses could represent myself, the Dreamer, and the Madman as a triad (since all three of us are Kings.)  I’ve gotten signs pointing to the three of us as a triad being Important to Darkness, somehow, but what that Importance means is something that will take time to learn.

The shrine isn’t *quite* complete yet; I’ve been getting signs that a lantern is needed, so I’ve finally ordered one.  I’ve also ordered new candles, since it’s been made Very Clear that this lantern should use LED candles rather than actual fire.  The LED candles have Significance beyond not lighting the shrine on fire; they’re a very *modern* thing, and Darkness is a very *modern* Realm.  Having the candles be LED rather than fire symbolizes moving forward in to the future, rather than clinging to the past.

Light (Devotional December)

Once he was simply the light in his Fathers’ eyes, adopted into their Home and Hearts because they wanted to raise a child together.  It had nothing to do with Darkness needing a Prince (the King, after all, had several brothers) and everything to do with Love and Family.

He was never pressured to follow in the path of Royalty others would have laid out for him, but instead followed his own path.  When he reached for the stars, the stars reached back, drawing him to the place he now calls Home.

He is light like distant stars; stepping up, and spiraling out, into the unknown future of who he will become.