Therapy Updates (II), and I Might Be Writing A Book

In therapy last week, I decided (along with my therapist) that I’m going to be focusing on processing all of last year’s traumatic Otherworld events.

My therapist warned me that it’s going to be difficult, since I’ve been pushing back and repressing those feelings and memories for the past year.  It’s made worse since I’ve felt like I can’t talk about all this stuff to my family Here–I explained to my therapist that it’s one thing to be open about being a polytheist, it’s another thing entirely to say “I’m being fought over by gods in another dimension,” and later “I just lost my entire ‘family’ of origin and I’m grieving them.”

We’ve agreed that I should only work on processing when I’m in therapy.  I’ve been doing art and writing to process, and that’s helped somewhat, but I’ve found that it’s turning more into staying stuck in that place of pain, rather than actually moving on.  I’ve discussed this with the Dreamer, and he very much agrees–he wanted me to get back into art because it made me happy, not just to process stuff.

Some divination that I recently got back said that I need a creative project to focus on over the Summer, either to process further or as a distraction.  With my latest therapy appointment, it looks like this project needs to be a distraction.

I do have a story in mind.  Based on the discussion in my writer’s group it’s going to be a much larger story than I initially thought it would be, so that’s going to be my creative project for the Summer.  I also have a knitting project to work on, for something that’s actually tangible rather than how abstract writing a book can be.

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The Festival of Hearts

Today we dance,
we celebrate joy.

The streets are lit
with white lanterns,
flames whispering Hope.

Today we feast
with family and friends
we hold our loved ones close
knowing that we share our Light.

Today we light fires
of iridescent flame
that all our burdens
may be brought
into the Light.

Mental Health, Summer Worries, and My Dying Godphone

Jake: What would you do if your godphone went entirely out?

Varian: You think it’s going to go that way?

Jake: I think it’s possible that it could.


That conversation with my fiance happened in April, and my godphone is continuing to die.  It’s not a steady decline, it’s like little bursts of communication that’s really faint even if I am using tarot or shufflenancy to back it up.  And when I do hear words I end up questioning everything I think I heard.

I’m in a weird place right now, emotionally and spiritually.  I’d describe it as ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ with an added comment of “I’m letting [my Otherworld Self] handle most of it.”  Especially with the one-year anniversary of traumatic astral events coming up, that’s been really difficult with memories and grief hitting me again.  I’m continuing to talk to my therapist about that, which is helping.

I’m also beginning to talk to my therapist about my fear of astral/spiritual stuff taking over my life.  I’m unsure if I explained it well, but it is a genuine fear of mine, that I won’t be able to relate to people Here (even at a surface level) because of too much of my life getting wrapped up in Stuff Over There (and some circles of astral/spirit work encourage this, so it doesn’t help.)  Jake is watching out for me in regards to my getting too wrapped up in Otherworld stuff (so are my other two Beloveds, but Jake is around more often) but even with him saying “no, you’re taking the evening to just relax and read a book,” I still worry that I’ll eventually be unable to relate to anyone Here.

The Dreamer is concerned about my mental health; with all the awful anniversaries coming up, my fear of getting too deeply involved in Otherworld stuff, and a variety of Kingship related things I have to do (which I’m letting [my Otherworld Self] handle.)  I can see why he’s so concerned, especially since he’s unsure how much the Madman will be around this Summer, and the Dreamer himself will be gone until New Years in Darkness, which is in early August.

He’s passed care of me over to Jake, and I keep remembering this dream, and the intensity in his voice when he asked Jake to promise that he’d watch out for me.  It’s…a strange feeling, sensing your Spouse and your fiance talking about what to do over Summer if your mental health totally falls apart.

I don’t have any elegant way to end this, but I find that this prayer that I wrote in March to be very fitting of my emotions surrounding this coming Summer.

Loosely Hold My Heart (A Month for the Dreamer)

Loving you is not an
ordeal, is not standing
on the outside of life and
society having to hide nearly
everything about me.  It is not
longing to be swept away and hidden in
you.  That may have served me once (but
how much was my anxiety and isolation, what
other factors were at play?) but now I find that I need
life and Love outside my self-imposed isolation that I
deemed “devotion.”  You are standing with me, still knowing
my Heart is yours–asking me only to love you, not be lost in
you.  Your Heart holds many rooms, my Beloved, but your
Heart is not a puzzle with pieces missing.  I do not need
every corner of your trauma to know and love you.
Art is part of love, and together we do not paint
ruin and tragedy, but a garden full of flowers
that reflect us as we dance beneath the moon.

Stepping Stones (Carnival of Aces)

I decided to participate in this month’s Carnival of Aces.

How did your (a)sexual and (a)romantic orientations impact your (expected or imagined) future?

The main ways that being asexual (and, to some extent, aromantic) has impacted my future is that it has changed the way I view relationships.  It’s actually made me more comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship, rather than less.

Before I knew I was ace, I had never really pictured myself as being in a relationship, the idea made me uncomfortable for reasons that I could never put into words.  I think what made me uncomfortable about it was that so often, a romantic relationship is portrayed as making the other person involved your entire world, and I knew I didn’t want my entire world to revolve around just one person (at the time I didn’t know I was polyamorous, and that I can balance multiple romantic relationships.)

I really do believe that coming out as asexual was a stepping stone to me coming out as transgender.  Once I started questioning my sexual orientation, it was a stepping stone to questioning my gender identity.

Realizing I’m asexual was both a relief, and it flipped my world around.  It didn’t flip my world upside down entirely, but it shook my world up just enough that it threw me off balance for a while.  It was, I suppose, the beginning of really learning about who I am.

Extremes (A Month for the Dreamer)

Back when I was first beginning my path, both as a polytheist and as a godspouse, there was a major emphasis on working with the “dark” side of a god, of seeing even their most terrifying sides and loving them even then, before you (general you) could call yourself a “real” devotee.  I even wrote an angry poem about it, and that was before I really began all this soul-searching and unpacking toxic ideas about devotion.
The Dreamer is, as I’ve mentioned before, not a “dark” god.  My Spouse once asked me about what made being a “dark” or “harsh” god so glamorous.  He was genuinely curious about why it’s so often seen as the “right” way to be a devotee and polytheist (not to mention being a godspouse) to work with the “darker” side of a god.  The Dreamer himself, as I referred to him in one poem, is “everything between extremes.”  Even when he’s in King Mode, he’s still a very thoughtful, considerate, and gentle person.

Sacrifice of Hearts

You come from a land of sacrifice, where Hearts were only weighed or spit out or cast aside.  So no wonder you are trembling in fear, at the thought of your King leading a Festival of the things that were cast off, cast out, it is no wonder that you wish to close the shutters and flee deeper into your sandstone streets.

The old ways have changed, as sacrifice was left behind long ago.  Dancers will be led through the streets, laughing and trailing ribbons and masks.  Darkness will be alive with the sound of music, of voices raised in song and flashing lights.  White lanterns will soon be lit, and a bonfire of iridescent flame will burn in the center of the City of Lights.

Let Me lead you through this, with My Beloveds and My Consort at My side.  Let Me be your Light, leading you through the darkest time of the year.