This month’s Carnival of Aces topic is Complexity and Nuance.
I ended up writing about how my asexuality plays a part in my spiritual path. I’ve written about this in passing, but the topic of complexity and nuance gave me space to really put my thoughts down on paper.
I’m really open on this blog about a couple of things; I’m a polytheist, I’m asexual, and I’m married to two of my deities. What I haven’t put together on paper before, at least here, is how that asexuality does interact with and impact how I approach the wider polytheist community, and how it merges with my path being a deity spouse.
I never thought my asexuality and my spiritual path would crash together, but they have. The two parts of my life don’t conflict, it’s…that the majority of the pagan and polytheistic community is very, very sex positive, and I shift between sex neutral and sex repulsed (mostly sex repulsed.) I feel really awkward a lot of the time when I’m in more mainstream pagan spaces, even if I’m doing something as simple as trying to find a new tarot deck that I’m actually comfortable using. (So. Much. Nudity.) I feel like I can’t discuss my experiences involving the Otherworld, because there’s this idea that the Otherworlds are much more sexual than Here, and the culture of the Realm my gods are from is very private when it comes to sexual things.
I’m also part of the godspouse community (though not nearly as involved as I used to be) and one of the most common questions I’ve seen asked about being married to a deity is…how do you have sex? Honestly, I feel even more awkward than I usually do in pagan spaces, every time I see a question like that asked–why is that the first thing someone wants to know? I often find myself wondering “is sex really that important???” I’m celibate, but it’s not an oath for my Beloveds (I’m not sleeping with them either.) For me, taking any kind of official celibacy vow would have absolutely no point to it. This isn’t just because I’m ace, but because my Beloveds are more than okay with me dating someone Here, if I ever chose to do so.
I feel like I’m on the outside of the queer community by being a religious person, and like I’m on the outside of the pagan/polytheist community for being sex repulsed. It’s a weird place to be at, feeling like I’m occupying this space where I’m on the outside edge of several communities at once.
I decided to participate in this month’s Carnival of Aces.
How did your (a)sexual and (a)romantic orientations impact your (expected or imagined) future?
The main ways that being asexual (and, to some extent, aromantic) has impacted my future is that it has changed the way I view relationships. It’s actually made me more comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship, rather than less.
Before I knew I was ace, I had never really pictured myself as being in a relationship, the idea made me uncomfortable for reasons that I could never put into words. I think what made me uncomfortable about it was that so often, a romantic relationship is portrayed as making the other person involved your entire world, and I knew I didn’t want my entire world to revolve around just one person (at the time I didn’t know I was polyamorous, and that I can balance multiple romantic relationships.)
I really do believe that coming out as asexual was a stepping stone to me coming out as transgender. Once I started questioning my sexual orientation, it was a stepping stone to questioning my gender identity.
Realizing I’m asexual was both a relief, and it flipped my world around. It didn’t flip my world upside down entirely, but it shook my world up just enough that it threw me off balance for a while. It was, I suppose, the beginning of really learning about who I am.
My love is not a puzzle
with pieces missing,
it does not hold extra
dimensions of depth,
sex is not another layer
that gives something a shape–
geometry was never
my strongest subject,
but, a structure does not
collapse over something that was
to begin with.
Since it’s Asexuality Awareness Week, I thought I’d re-write an old poem of mine.
I wrote the original poem in December of 2014, back when I was first figuring out that I’m asexual. I was trying to figure out how being asexual worked with my deity marriage (at the time I was only with the Dreamer) and this poem was the result.
I decided to re-write the poem completely, since so much has changed within the past three years. My relationships have been through a lot of changes in that time, and I wanted the new poem to reflect that.
This is for the Dreamer, the Madman, and J. I love all of you.
I find you in the stillness of quiet mornings
hear you whisper in the wind, see you walking
through the fog, your long hair swirling behind you.
I sense you curled around me as I read, you hold me
as I fall asleep, and that is enough for me, to simply
hold you close, listen to your soft breathing as you dream
whatever dreams gods from between the stars have.
It’s enough to know you’re in my Heart, to hear your laughter
and see you smile. We snuggle close on chilly Autumn evenings,
playfully arguing over blankets and books to read. Holding you
close by firelight as our Hearts beat in time is all we need between us.
For us, intimacy is our Hearts being open
to all that we are, and our souls being open
to whatever we may become together.