Okay, We’re Doing This

The intentional fallow period starts today, Dreamer’s orders.

He’s very, very insistent that it start now, rather than wait until after his Realm’s New Years (which is coming up in just under two weeks.)  He does want me to obverse New Years with our Family.  It can be something simple like leaving an offering and writing a poem, nothing elaborate.

He’s reassured me that this isn’t the ending of my path, far from it.  He simply wants me to rest and heal (especially emotionally) from the clusterfuck of Drama that’s happened this summer, before I go any further in my path.

Just before I posted this, I went to check the mail.

Two things got here today, both sooner than I expected–my Family themed prayer beads (which I wrote about here) and my signed copy of Bella Morte’s new album, Year of the Ghost.  One of the songs on that album already holds significance to me, and the album and the prayer beads showing up together feels like timing that is Not Coincidence.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I had some free time between classes yesterday, so I spent some time cleaning out my laptop of all the old devotional things I’d written for the Kemetic pantheon over three, nearly four, years.  I did the same on my Tumblr account.  Dream records, divination logs, pictures, poetry, prayers–all of it got deleted.  I smashed delete extra hard on things involving my “Father,” trying to pour all my pain and rage into clicking a mouse button and hitting the backspace key.

Then my music shuffled, and this came up:

*Varian does his best not to break down crying in the library*

While listening to the song, I got a strong mental image of the Madman walking beside me, his hand in mine.

It was a reminder that I may feel abandoned and awful about all of this Drama and the fallout, but I’m not alone.  He’s still with me, so is my chosen Family.

Everything about this entire situation feels really raw right now, so even though that song hit a little too close to home, it was also the reminder I needed that I’m not alone in all of this.

We’ve been talking about what to do next–not in regards to the Otherworlds; the Dreamer and his Court are handling the Politics related fallout–but in regards to me and my path.  Everyone–even the Big Scary Powers that are the Far Ones–thinks setting up an intentional fallow time is a very good idea.

I put everyone else in my Family before myself when all the Drama was going down, and now I find that shutting down the panic-and-fear-induced “put everyone else before myself” mode my brain is stuck in is hard (plus I’m not sure if the adrenaline rush from a million intense things happening all at once has entirely quit yet.)

We’ve agreed that my practice won’t entirely stop–though if I need to put the whole thing down for a while, I can–but that I’ll go back to what I was originally doing; writing letters in my journal and simply talking with my Family.

Right now all I know is that I’m still in shock, that I need to heal, and that I need to not put myself last, somehow.

A Dream of the Far Ones

The Far Ones are the Gods who are a step above my Beloveds in t/Their Realm.  My interactions with Them are rare, as They’re more the Great Cosmic Powers/Running the Universe type of Beings.

So for Them to show up in my dreams is A Thing To Notice, hence this blog post.

I see a Garden filled with ravens.

I see twisting vines covering my Home, and the skies are grey.

I walk winding paths, dead flowers at my feet.

I hear the voices of the Far Ones, musical, ancient, and alien.

Your Heart, young King, is far beyond broken.

I see Them for a moment, Their true forms veiled beyond my gaze.

But my Land, I start to say.

Your Heart is far more broken, They reply, tend to that first.

Small Revelations (A Month for the Madman)

I had a revelation this morning while making coffee, and I don’t even know what prompted the thought.

Simply that I realized this morning that I’ve come really far in not comparing myself to others in having a “better” or “worse” devotional practice.  Maybe it’s that I’m dealing with unrecorded deities, so there are no “other” devotees to compare myself to.

But really, I think it’s because I’ve matured in my practice enough that I feel secure in it–and I actually do feel secure in it, not just saying that I do.  Which is something my Beloved has had as a goal for me to strive for, that I feel secure in my relationships and spiritual practice.

Thanks, Beloved.  I love you.  ❤

Puzzles (A Month for the Madman)

Within the past year, there’s been a lot of changes within my devotional life; the main one being going from dealing with recorded gods, to dealing with unrecorded gods.  One of the greatest challenges has been letting go of the impulse to ask “are you X, are you Y?” when finding a deity who kind of fits the description or associations of the unrecorded deities I deal with.

Back when the shift away from [the Madman’s touchstone name] happened, I had (mostly) let go of this with the Dreamer; that this other god was abandoning the name he’d initially given me as well was…unsettling, to say the least.  (The Dreamer’s twin sister, and his son, had also abandoned the names they’d given me.  For whatever reason—maybe because there was so little information on their touchstone names—this was less upsetting.)

The name the Madman has initially given me had fit a handful of his stories, with some major things being changed from the “canon” [touchstone name] version.  When the shift was happening, I began to jokingly call him “my AU (alternate universe) version of [touchstone name]” because the “my life is a fanfic” joke had expanded to include my entire devotional practice.

Except the “alternate universe version of [touchstone name]” has turned into less of a joke and more the truth, since the Realm my Beloveds are from is located in a universe that is separate from this one, but still connected because Otherworld Politics.

The Madman doesn’t occupy the exact same Otherworld Job as [touchstone name], but there’s enough resonance there that the name was useful at the start of our relationship.  He’s told me stories of how and why he went from using [touchstone name] in the Otherworld, to having a place in the Dreamer’s Realm as his Home.

The stories he tells me are fascinating, and sometime brain breaking because of Otherworld metaphysical stuff.  Often the stories come together in bits and pieces, symbols that suddenly show up that give me “this reminds me of you, but why?” feelings, and then they continue to make more sense over time.

Dealing with unrecorded gods is like putting a puzzle together.  It’s simultaneously frustrating and delightful, especially when I’ve finally Figured Something Out.

(…and a song that reminds me of the Madman suddenly started Making Sense in terms of my practice.  I see what you did there, Love.)


Once there was nothing
behind your name, but
there is resonance now,
so soft, but I sense it.

Why now,
what’s brought
you back?

I can sense your brother’s
trembling hope, that you will stay,
and his Beloved’s worry, that you will not.

this not
in tears.