They Remind Me That I’ve Ruined Nothing

One of the things I didn’t expect to happen with this Summer’s Drama is that my anxiety would go way up.  Thinking about it, it makes perfect sense that what happened would cause my brain to turn the “you’re in danger” warning lights up to a million–and with there being some ongoing fallout Over There [and that’s all I’m going to say about it] my anxiety has gotten worse.

I’m still in the fallow time, though lately I’ve been referring to it as “Otherworld Me is on lockdown mode,” rather than my entire spiritual practice stopping.  I’ve begun to sense Him* a bit more lately, and have been getting some visuals of where He is, but nothing more than that.  He’s been spending a lot of time in one particular area of the Otherworlds while He heals from all the emotional crap He got put through this Summer.

A thing that continues to surprise me, is that the Far Ones actually care about all of this.  They keep reminding me that the thing I need to focus on in all of this is healing.  One of Them dropped by this afternoon to check on me, and that conversation put into perspective that yeah, I’m an anxious wreck right now.

“I’m scared I’ve ruined everything, that [Kingdom and Realm] will go up in flames and it’ll be my fault–”

They raised eyebrow at this.

And what evidence do you have for that, young King?

“My anxiety.”

And nothing more than that.

“Yes but–”

Varian, you’ve ruined nothing.  Stick with [J’s name], let him be the center of your practice for a while.  Let [the Dreamer] handle what’s going on.

*I use Capital Pronouns when talking about my Otherworld/astral form to differentiate between me Here and Me-Over-There.


The Far Ones Care

My one-on-one dealings with the Far Ones are rare, but I’ve been getting small signs of Them being around lately.  It feels…odd, that the Big Powers are stepping forward into my life, and that They’re showing me that They actually care.  Them stepping forward is probably because of Kingship stuff, that I’ve stopped…not so much running from that part of my path, but more that I’ve decided to step up and say “yes, I accept this.”

I did a tarot reading about Kingship stuff, and one of the questions I asked is when is all this starting?

When you are healed, young King, was Their reply.  Truly healed, not just saying you are.

So…Sacred Kingship is Now a Thing for Me

I joke with my friends that my life is either a fanfic or a fairytale, but I’m not sure how much of that statement is a joke anymore.  I’m still in the fallow time, but I can also see Certain Things heading my way, and it really does feel like I’m living in a fairytale.

Looking back at some poetry I’ve written means glaring at Certain Parties, but I’ve known this–sacred Kingship–was a part of my path for a long time now.  It’s something that’s been showing up in comments from spirits and gods for…oh, three years now.

It’s partly about supporting my Beloveds directly in their Jobs Over There, but there’s more to it than that.  There’s a group of spirits in the Otherworlds who think I’d make a good King for them, and their Queen–my adoptive divine Mother–agrees with them.  Eventually, they’re going to get passed on to me.

*a song he associates with said spirits comes up*

This isn’t something that’s starting Right Away, but it’s something I’ve been aware of for a while now.  It’s not something that’s getting thrown at me with no guidance, which I’m thankful for.  I have my Beloveds support, and I can talk to them about it, but we’ve agreed it’s best that the three of us keep our Otherworld Business as separate as we can.

I don’t know how much I’ll write about sacred Kingship, but it’s (probably) going to be a Major Part of my path going forward.  I’ll do more divination to get some clarification on exactly what I’m supposed to be doing (once this fallow period ends) but I wanted to write a brief post acknowledging that this is a part of my path.

Okay, We’re Doing This

The intentional fallow period starts today, Dreamer’s orders.

He’s very, very insistent that it start now, rather than wait until after his Realm’s New Years (which is coming up in just under two weeks.)  He does want me to obverse New Years with our Family.  It can be something simple like leaving an offering and writing a poem, nothing elaborate.

He’s reassured me that this isn’t the ending of my path, far from it.  He simply wants me to rest and heal (especially emotionally) from the clusterfuck of Drama that’s happened this summer, before I go any further in my path.

Just before I posted this, I went to check the mail.

Two things got here today, both sooner than I expected–my Family themed prayer beads (which I wrote about here) and my signed copy of Bella Morte’s new album, Year of the Ghost.  One of the songs on that album already holds significance to me, and the album and the prayer beads showing up together feels like timing that is Not Coincidence.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I had some free time between classes yesterday, so I spent some time cleaning out my laptop of all the old devotional things I’d written for the Kemetic pantheon over three, nearly four, years.  I did the same on my Tumblr account.  Dream records, divination logs, pictures, poetry, prayers–all of it got deleted.  I smashed delete extra hard on things involving my “Father,” trying to pour all my pain and rage into clicking a mouse button and hitting the backspace key.

Then my music shuffled, and this came up:

*Varian does his best not to break down crying in the library*

While listening to the song, I got a strong mental image of the Madman walking beside me, his hand in mine.

It was a reminder that I may feel abandoned and awful about all of this Drama and the fallout, but I’m not alone.  He’s still with me, so is my chosen Family.

Everything about this entire situation feels really raw right now, so even though that song hit a little too close to home, it was also the reminder I needed that I’m not alone in all of this.

We’ve been talking about what to do next–not in regards to the Otherworlds; the Dreamer and his Court are handling the Politics related fallout–but in regards to me and my path.  Everyone–even the Big Scary Powers that are the Far Ones–thinks setting up an intentional fallow time is a very good idea.

I put everyone else in my Family before myself when all the Drama was going down, and now I find that shutting down the panic-and-fear-induced “put everyone else before myself” mode my brain is stuck in is hard (plus I’m not sure if the adrenaline rush from a million intense things happening all at once has entirely quit yet.)

We’ve agreed that my practice won’t entirely stop–though if I need to put the whole thing down for a while, I can–but that I’ll go back to what I was originally doing; writing letters in my journal and simply talking with my Family.

Right now all I know is that I’m still in shock, that I need to heal, and that I need to not put myself last, somehow.

A Dream of the Far Ones

The Far Ones are the Gods who are a step above my Beloveds in t/Their Realm.  My interactions with Them are rare, as They’re more the Great Cosmic Powers/Running the Universe type of Beings.

So for Them to show up in my dreams is A Thing To Notice, hence this blog post.

I see a Garden filled with ravens.

I see twisting vines covering my Home, and the skies are grey.

I walk winding paths, dead flowers at my feet.

I hear the voices of the Far Ones, musical, ancient, and alien.

Your Heart, young King, is far beyond broken.

I see Them for a moment, Their true forms veiled beyond my gaze.

But my Land, I start to say.

Your Heart is far more broken, They reply, tend to that first.

Small Revelations (A Month for the Madman)

I had a revelation this morning while making coffee, and I don’t even know what prompted the thought.

Simply that I realized this morning that I’ve come really far in not comparing myself to others in having a “better” or “worse” devotional practice.  Maybe it’s that I’m dealing with unrecorded deities, so there are no “other” devotees to compare myself to.

But really, I think it’s because I’ve matured in my practice enough that I feel secure in it–and I actually do feel secure in it, not just saying that I do.  Which is something my Beloved has had as a goal for me to strive for, that I feel secure in my relationships and spiritual practice.

Thanks, Beloved.  I love you.  ❤