“We are not one person. How lonely that would be! A couple who has made themselves one so completely, that they are once again alone.
We are two people, separate. Unique. And joined only where we choose to join.”
–Welcome to Night Vale, “The University of What It Is.”
My Spouse and I often listen to music or podcasts together, and Welcome to Night Vale holds a special place in both our Hearts. That quote is something he sometimes says to me, a reminder that we’re two separate people.
That’s been the ongoing theme of this month of writing for the Dreamer, to not lose myself in him, that we are not one person.
I didn’t begin writing with this theme in mind, it simply came up along the way–like when I wrote for the Madman, and the theme that eventually evolved was on not being broken by him.
Thank you, Beloved, for helping me put my thoughts on paper.
I had this Dream last night. It feels Important, so I’m recording it here.
“He needs you.”
His hands rest on the young monk’s shoulders, his voice and gaze intense.
“He needs you. My Husband will be there, my Friend will be there, but he’s going to need you by his side most of all, to handle what’s coming. The Hunt will ride soon, the Festival will happen, and then I will leave. If his mind shatters,” the Dreamer’s voice cracks, for just a second, “you call me–you call me so fast your phone lights on fire.”
Jake nods slowly. “‘I promise to love you when your faith goes silent,’ was something I swore to Varian. He swore that to me,” he motions to his robes, “but it goes both ways.”
“I promise you, on my Heart, that I will be his Light.”
The Dreamer slowly nods.
He picks up a lantern (the candle is already burning,) passing it to Jake, and then the dream fades.
You ask me not to seek the labyrinth of your Heart, not to lose myself in you.
It’s difficult, Love.
Rationally I know I cannot save you from memories and events that happened thousands of years ago. My mind and Heart still take those traumas and wounds, and grieve for you, as though I need to take your burdens on to my own shoulders.
I don’t, though.
I do not need to see your shadows to know that you love me, or to be worthy of your adoration.
Our Hearts do not need to hold each other’s wounds like closely guarded secrets.
When the Dreamer suggested I get back into art, it was simply because he thought I would enjoy it. Since then I’ve not only improved in my drawing skills, but it’s also helped me process things that have happened in the Otherworlds.
The Dreamer is an artist himself, so if I’m working on a drawing he’ll stop by (if he has time) and either critique my work, or work on a project of his own. It’s really nice, to just spend time together listening to music and working on our separate projects.
Dancing among the
pulsing city lights, you are
all that is light, joy, and love.
In this brief moment you are not
a King with the thousand worries
of his People on his shoulders,
you are simply out with your friends,
and these moments of beauty and
laughter make all the hardship worth it.
He is not a god for sacrifices, for pain and sorrow as offerings. Like his Beloved, he is not a god interested in breaking those he calls his own. He’s seen the aftermath, has seen it time and again, as he brings those who need healing and hope (and Home) into Darkness.
He once asked me what he ever asked me to “sacrifice” for him, and I came up with “nothing” as my reply.
He is not a god for sacrifices, and that is part of why I love him.
A month from now, the Dreamer is leaving for his Summer Duties in Darkness. I’ll admit that I’m much more nervous this time than I was last year–I had no idea how things would explode almost as soon as my Spouse left. He’s reassured me that not only will I have Jake by my side, but the Madman will be around, as well as a friend of his [the Dreamer’s] that I’ve been working with for a few months now.
I got some divination back a few days ago, about what I should focus on over Summer while he’s gone. The first message in the cards, before even getting into what it is I’m supposed to be doing, was “take care of yourself.”
I see you in the rain
before I see you
in the storm.
You are not
I see you in the rain before the storm.
I was going to write a poem for you, but upon writing that line, I realized a double meaning in that sentence–it’s about something in nature that I associate with you, yes, but putting it as “I see you in the rain before [I see you in] the storm,” also has another layer of meaning to it.
That’s one of your signs, wordplay and subtle puns I could have never come up with on my own (not without a lot of thought, that is.)
I’m unsure if I could put my understanding into words, but I can sense you smiling that I understood your point.
You watch as I descend into
the shattered parts of my mind
you cannot rescue me–and I’ve
been on the other side of this
you as you’ve fallen and tumbled
into memories long past and thought
you push me towards sunlight and stained glass
and sandstone streets, because soon you will be
to go where none can follow (except one other,
and you are bound by your shared Hearts)
I wanted to write joy for you, and instead
my mind keeps screaming and bringing up
of the past, the very thing you asked me not
to dwell upon, for those memories are cracks and
upon my Heart, and I feel as though I am lost
and that my own lantern is just out of reach.