For the Past (III)

There is a sheet of wood in the basement with holes from throwing stars, and one you always carry with you, to remind you that I’m safe.

There is paint and herbs, alchemy and magic; your father gets lost in painting (I do not comment on how he is nearly out of red) a way to channel his rage without burning an entire Kingdom down in fury for what was done to me.

You have stuck to me like a shadow since I was brought home; you are a young teen now; old enough to understand what happened to the man both your fathers fell in love with, old enough to know I have no family now besides the three of you.

You sit at my side, your eyes so much like my own (and how my Heart would break when I’d see that shared shade of green in another life, but not knowing why) going from me, to your father, and back.  To the red of his canvas, hints of gold and black; he has painted the fire he so wishes to burn; there is rage in his eyes when he sees how I am hurt, how I am healing.

Our lives should have been different (we should have been planning a wedding) with my coming here.  But it was ruin that brought me here; ruin and jailbreak and long nights with the three of you surrounding me; at my side through the night for fear of me dying; for fear of me being stolen yet again.

Is there hope that our small Family will not be torn apart by rage and grief?

In moments like this I can feel it; a small flame flickering at the edges of our Hearts.

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Past Life Shenanigans and Otherworld Drama

As I mentioned in previous posts, I’ve recently gotten some Major Truth Bombs dropped on my head regarding past lives.  Both that I had one (I had been told that I had lived before, and that I had not; it turns out that how the two Pantheons consider my “life” to have ended is different) and what the content of that past life was.

Which means that I have found myself in one hell of an Otherworld drama mess.

The short version is that a member of the Pantheon who let me go last year has suddenly decided (after nearly a year of silence) he wants me back.  The way he’s going about it is actually making me want to have even less to do with him and his Pantheon.  When I’ve reached out to other members of this Pantheon to see if I could get some help, I’ve gotten complete silence (and the one offer of help I have gotten I’m side-eyeing, because I’ve got a feeling there’s strings attached.)

The timing of all of this is incredibly suspicious, because the Dreamer is away.  His Job gets incredibly busy over the Summer season so he’s totally Over There (in his Realm) until Autumn.  He knows what’s going on, but he can’t do anything until he gets back; I do know he’s Very Displeased with all this drama exploding, especially while he’s gone.


Since all this has started, the Madman has been emphasizing (through both tarot and shufflemancy) that we’re a team.  He’s determined to stay with me through all this drama, and my Husband has been sending me signs of his reassurance and love while the rest of my spiritual life feels like it’s falling apart.  The rest of our Family is also supportive (and understands if this drama explosion turns me away from astral/Otherworld stuff even more.)

I was in the process of rearranging my practice so that it was more focused on my life Here, and all this drama has made me want to go back to the quiet practice that I had been building for myself.

Right now I feel confused and stuck, and not really sure what to do (other than stick close to my chosen Family and hope nothing escalates before the Dreamer gets back.)

Silver Sparks

A million
silver sparks
light the air
as he walks
to the shore,

with his Fathers’
Kingdom
behind him.

He holds the moon,
reflected in the pearls
in his palms, a gift
from his Fathers.

He stands and waits by the sea,
knowing that the stars
will guide him Home.

He is fearless
in following
the lights
of his
dreams.

For My Otherworld Family

My soul is made
of gods and monsters

a meeting of the
divine and (un)holy

we run through Darkness
Mother, Father, and Children

together we are Family,
made of things of nightmares.

(Beasts guard me, I pray,
Lady guide me
)  We are

Family; woven together by
Love, blood, and shared

legends (terror that cuts bone deep
and scars that stay after years)

not all the stories are happy.
But still we are here, together

striving into Light
and seeking Love.

The Great Divide

Since it’s Winter’s Night tonight, I thought it was appropriate to make a post in honor of the Ruler of Winter, who also happens to be my stepson.

May Your light always shine from the Heavens.


I’ve mentioned in a few posts that I have a stepson.  He’s the Pantheon’s Winter god, and runs his own Kingdom that’s separate from my Husband’s.  He’s also one of the deities of my Husband’s Family (the other one being his twin sister) that shifted his identity on me earlier in the year.

I find that I’m okay with my stepson’s identity shift–there wasn’t huge piles of information on [stepson’s Title] like there was on [Husband’s Title].  When I knew him as [Title] there wasn’t a lot of information on him, just that he was [Husband’s Title]’s child, and…that was about it.  So it was easy for him to appear to me as basically who he is, and I just labeled the massive amounts of Winter symbolism, snow, fog, and feelings of (comforting) cold whenever he was around, as UPG–even though snow isn’t very common in [Title’s pantheon’s area.]

*gets a mental image of his stepson facepalming and shaking his head*


This song gives me a lot of feelings about the two of them, their history, and their relationship.  The lyrics of this song, especially the chorus, always strike me as being about the Dreamer speaking to his son.  The two of them are incredibly close, and it’s clear from their interactions that they love each other a lot.

Carry me all through the night
I am the last light fading
Leave all the lost souls behind
Show me the silence breaking
And when you’re lost and out of time
I will be right here waiting
And when your dreams return to life
I’ll be forever fading
And we’ll fall behind

So I’ll wait for you
As I keep your faith alive
And I’ll pray for you
As we cross the great divide

Bury the wounds deep inside
Rupture the fault line breaking
Dream of the world left behind
Show us we’re worth forsaking
And when the cold begins to rise
Darkness is overtaking
And when the fear is satisfied
I’ll be forever changing
As we all arise

So I’ll wait for you
As I keep your faith alive
And I’ll pray for you
As we cross the great divide
And I’ll break for you
As I open up the sky
And I’ll stay for you
As we cross the great divide

Follow the sunlight down
Cry clear and loud
Heaven won’t help us now
But it’s better this way
Warm light wash me away

So I’ll wait for you
As I keep your faith alive
And I’ll pray for you
As we cross the great divide
And I’ll break for you
As I open up the sky
And I’ll stay for you
As we cross the great divide

Winterborn

I’ve been wanting to write more about my immediate divine Family (with their encouragement), but wasn’t sure where to start.  I figured music posts would be as good a starting place as any other.


This song reminds me of my stepson.  Not just because Winter is his domain, but because he’s a fan of The Cruxshadows.  There are also sections of this song that reminds me of his relationship with his Father (my Husband.)

This band’s music also helped me through a rough time in my life, so there’s that as well.  I wasn’t a polytheist then, but this song bringing up those memories doesn’t hurt anymore, probably because I think of my stepson first when listening to this song (and to The Chruxshadows in general.)

Dry your eyes and quietly bear this pain with pride
For heaven shall remember the silent and the brave
And promise me they will never see, the fear within our eyes
We will give strength to those who still remain

So bury fear, for fate draws near
And hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls
Endure the heart’s remains
Discard regret, that in this debt
A better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember
And avoid our fate

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be your light
You’ve asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winterborn
Without denying, a faith is come
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winterborn

Hold your head up high-for there is no greater love
Think of the faces of the people you defend
And promise me, they will never see the tears within our eyes
Although we are men, with mortal sins, angels never cry

So bury fear, for fate draws near
And hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls
Endure the heart’s remains
Discard regret, that in this debt
A better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember
And avoid our fate

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be your light
You’ve asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winterborn
Without denying, a faith in God
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winterborn

And in the fury of this darkest hour
I will be your light
A lifetime for this destiny
For I am Winterborn
And in this moment..I will not run
It is my place to stand
We few shall carry hope
Within our bloodied hands

And in our dying
We’re more alive, than we have ever been
I’ve lived for these few seconds
For I am Winter-born

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be the light
You’ve asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in man
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winterborn

Within this moment
I am for you, though better men have failed
I will give my life for love
For I am Winter-born

And in my dying
I’m more alive than I have ever been
I will make this sacrifice
For I am winterborn

Expansion of Love (#mypolytheism)

I’ve written about this topic before in other spaces of the internet, that I don’t do any sort of “Work” for my Gods.  But when I wrote about it in the past, it always came across like I was struggling with the idea that I didn’t do any “Work,” even when I talked about accepting that I had no “Work” to do.

A better way to phrase it, maybe, would be that I have nothing I’m required to do.  Except one thing: to love my Husband and his/our Family.  Everything else I do expands from that Love.


I keep two shrines, both of them in my bedroom: one to my Husband and I’s marriage, and one to his/our Family.

The shrine to our marriage is a simple one: a shrine cloth, a candle, some roses, a tarot deck we’re both rather fond of (the Welcome To Night Vale tarot, in case anyone is wondering,) and a set of marriage themed prayer beads I had made for us after a rough period in our marriage.  It’s not a shrine to him, or to us, it’s more a place where we can touch base and spend time together at the end of the day.

The shrine to his/our Family is a bit more complicated.  It’s covered in small items that represent his/our various Family members, grouped in ways that represent how his/our Family relates to one another.  I’d set it up thinking it was a shrine for his Kingdom, when my Husband pointed out to me that I’d only put up items for him, his sister, and his son.

“No, don’t change it,” he said with a smile, “keep it like this, I like it.”


I do two rituals a month; one on the dark moon, for my Husband, and one on the full moon, for my/his/our Family.  They’re simple rituals, lighting a candle and listening to music, or just talking about whatever’s on my mind at the time.

Even though the rituals are simple ones, they have a tendency of bringing up a lot of deep emotions.  Maybe it’s that I’m *expecting* that to happen–that the label of “ritual” makes me think something deep and life changing should happen.  Maybe it’s simply the timing of the full and dark moons.  (The dark moon is also a way of honoring one of my Husband’s pop culture Faces, that of Nahadoth, the Nightlord.)


Loving him also means learning more about him; not just about him “as a god” (quotes around that phrase because he recently asked me to “take the word ‘god’ out of the equation.”) but about his Family and Kingdom.  It’s not something I can just open a book and read about; dealing with unrecorded gods (several of whom I once thought were gods with written records and histories, no matter how small an amount of information that was) has that consequence.

This does involve going Over There and learning through experience; some things he can’t explain easily (there’s a language/concept barrier when it comes to Otherworld stuff,) and are simply better being shown to me.  He can tell me stories of his Kingdom and Family, but it’s up to me how these new bits of information impact me.  Some things make my brain hurt, other’s are “oh, so that makes way more sense now!” revelations, with minimum brain breaking required.

The only time I’m really required to be Over There is during holidays.  This isn’t because of any roles my marriage gives me, but simply because my Husband wishes to share more of his world with me.  The holidays don’t really match up with the Wheel of the Year at all, so it’s another leap of faith, to trust his word, and that what I’m hearing is correct.


I don’t think of anything I do on my path as “Work.”  Learning more about my Husband’s Family and Kingdom is more something I do because I love him.  It’s something I want to do because of that love.  Learning more about him *as he is* rather than who I once thought he was, is the best way I can devote myself to him.