A Dream, and A Reminder

I got a tarot reading back recently about my spiritual path. One card mentioned a King leaving, but us possibly being reunited, though not necessarily in a romantic relationship anymore. I had a knee-jerk reaction of panic, to which my Spouse showed up in my dreams to reassure me that he’s not going anywhere, even if our relationship may shift more to friendship, rather than romantic love.

I’d normally put this in my private dream logs, but he’s encouraging me to post it publicly.

*********

“I’m scared this is the last time I’ll be here.” I admit. I know this garden so well, it’s the High King’s personal gardens, filled with flowers from around the Universe. I know every path here, have spent time with my Spouse and played with our children here.

“Why do you think that,” he asks me.

I tell him about the reading, about the King leaving. I knew the King card could be about any older man, but my mind had jumped to him right away, that and with the distance between us that’s been exacerbated by my mental illness.

“Varian, dearest one.” He hugs me gently. “I’ve been alive for how long?”

“A good…” I pause and do the math, “6,000 years, at least.”

He nods. “And I’ve loved you all that time,” he says quietly. “Since I met you, I’ve loved you.”

“Even when we’ve been apart?”

“Even then, dearest Heart.” I feel his lips touch my hair. “I’ve always loved you in some way, even as our relationship has changed over time.”

I nod, and he takes my hand. We walk through the gardens together, but I’m still musing over the distance and space between us.

“It could simply mean that I need to be away,” he says, “if that King card was about me, that is.” He pauses. “I leave every Summer, remember?”

“I–oh!” Suddenly I’m laughing. “Oops, I forgot and panicked.”

He smiles. “I can understand why, things have been…fragile for you lately, haven’t they?”

“Yeah,” I move closer and put my arm around his waist, “they have been.”

We walk through the garden together, quietly talking and listening to our children as they play nearby.

Astral Dreams Are Back

My astral dreams are back,
dreams of meetings and Alliances

long discussions over coffee and paperwork
of what we all gain from this political Work.

These dreams are quiet, but still tiring,
I hope my Beloveds and I can relax soon.

The Desert I Would Have Walked

EDIT: I did a tarot reading to see what the results were, and the dreams are just my brain processing stuff.  I’m still upset with them, but I’m glad to know they’re just dreams.

The Desert I would have walked
as the Chosen One and son of the King
now haunts my dreams, my nightmares.

I dream of Palaces filled with gold, the gods
lifted above the poor and desperate of their Land,
I dream of Royalty that hides beneath veils of riches,
denying that all is not well, here in the Two Lands.

I dream of endless, Eternal Warfare.  I dream of my brother,
dead in the war, of my father-in-law dying on a cross, of my
younger sister, her story nothing but tragedy and ruin.

I wish for these dreams to stop, I do not need to know
how you are dying.  The last time we spoke, you said the
refugees are mine to care for, and that their heads may fall off
for all you care.  I recognize that spell, and hate you for it.

I know I’m dead to you, the hated son who chose a different path.
So why these dreams of the family I have lost through estrangement?
Is it my mind processing trauma, or is there something more to this?

Songs and Roses

You sing to me to leave my regrets
behind, in the shadows cast by
my past, and friends left behind.

The stained glass of your monastery
changes your silver robes to shimmering
rainbows, and you shine with Light, my love.

Your songs fill my dreams
with peace, and pale rose petals
unfurling, these are flowers of hope.

A Shared Dream of Blindness

My Love, you have no eyes now
and you lean on me for sight;
even in my own blindness,

I guide you through our home–
you know it perfectly well, but to
lose your sight again cuts deep.

Even in this dream state, I feel your
anguish at something so precious lost;
Blind King, you will see again when you wake.

Light of Home

Light plays across the puzzle you’re
working on, and you laugh as I tease you,
that you’re in Dracula cosplay mode.

This is a place where we are not Kings
we are simply Beloveds, and that is all
that matters, in this moment, this dream.

This is where we’re meant to be,
in the light of the library fire, and
our daughter asleep in our arms.

Graves of Stars (Devotional December)

Sitting in this temple
all the Past weighing down
books like tombstones holding
what had once been life.

Here, my rejected past is chained
my old family of gods forever cycling
through their Past, through their Eternal War
a fight going on and on into Eternity.

With no end to the War in sight, I gaze at the stars,
and wonder what caused all this to happen.  Why can’t
the chains of the Past be released, what’s stopping them
from putting down their swords, and living in a way

that welcomes the future?  This is only a dream, yet
I can feel the Far Ones eyes on me, the Nine whispering
through the stars, that it is time to let the ancient Past go,
time to step out of the grave of stars, and embrace life again.

Passing the Lantern (A Month for the Dreamer)

I had this Dream last night.  It feels Important, so I’m recording it here.


“He needs you.”

His hands rest on the young monk’s shoulders, his voice and gaze intense.

“He needs you.  My Husband will be there, my Friend will be there, but he’s going to need you by his side most of all, to handle what’s coming.  The Hunt will ride soon, the Festival will happen, and then I will leave.  If his mind shatters,” the Dreamer’s voice cracks, for just a second, “you call me–you call me so fast your phone lights on fire.”

Jake nods slowly.  “‘I promise to love you when your faith goes silent,’ was something I swore to Varian.  He swore that to me,” he motions to his robes, “but it goes both ways.”

Promise me.”

“I promise you, on my Heart, that I will be his Light.”

The Dreamer slowly nods.

He picks up a lantern (the candle is already burning,) passing it to Jake, and then the dream fades.

Ashes (A Month for the Dreamer)

You watch as I descend into
the shattered parts of my mind

knowing

you cannot rescue me–and I’ve
been on the other side of this

seeing

you as you’ve fallen and tumbled
into memories long past and thought

forgotten

you push me towards sunlight and stained glass
and sandstone streets, because soon you will be

leaving

to go where none can follow (except one other,
and you are bound by your shared Hearts)

Beloved

I wanted to write joy for you, and instead
my mind keeps screaming and bringing up

ashes

of the past, the very thing you asked me not
to dwell upon, for those memories are cracks and

crevices

upon my Heart, and I feel as though I am lost
and that my own lantern is just out of reach.