Have An Update

I haven’t been writing much on my blogs, mainly because I feel like I have nothing to write about.

In the area of Accepting That I’m Disabled, I’ve found that I *need* to wear headphones with background noise (or music) of some kind, or I pick up literally every word of a conversation in the next room. I’ve begun discussing with my therapist that I may have either ADHD or autism–it turns out that the two conditions are very common in people born extremely premature, like I was…and one symptom of them is the inability to tune things out.

I’ll be honest, I’m both relieved to learn this, because it explains a shit ton (hyperfocusing, my inability to “get” sarcasm, being a picky eater at 28) and *angry* because no one ever told me it was possible I’m neurodivergent.

I’m still unemployed, but I’m sending out stories I’ve finished. I’ve gotten rejected once, but the editor said the story was good, just more horror focused than they were looking for.

I’m pondering starting a Patreon for writing related purposes, and am looking into both self publishing and traditional publishing. I’ve started a writing Twitter account, which tbh has a learning curve like whoa.

So yeah, that’s where I am right now.

What I’ve Been Up To

I’ve been quiet around here (and my other blogs,) mainly because it’s my Annual Fallow Time. On top of that there’s the pandemic, as well as life stress (my dog passed away this past week.) So I’ve been quiet; doing a lot of reading and fiction writing, and some knitting as time and spoons allow.

I’ve also been making a lot of strides in the whole Accepting That I’m Disabled thing. I recently bought some grab bars for my shower [link], and after installing them–they suction cup on–I’ve found it’s much easier for me to shower. I genuinely did not know how much I feared falling as I got into or out of the shower, until the cause of that fear was eliminated.

The Virus TW

Author’s Note: Someone in my life Here wants me to travel several hours during a pandemic, because it’s my birthday Thursday. My refusal has apparently started a shitstorm. This poem is processing.

I feel my lungs
crack, even though
I am not sick

this
premonition
has never been stronger

for the day of my birth
you wish for me
to possibly

never take
another breath
again.

A Song That Makes Me Laugh

I’ve been derealizing and feeling depressed as fuck lately, so like all my energy is going to just…staying a little *less* depressed?

So I thought I’d post a song that makes me laugh, because someone else might need it as well. Plus Chris Thile is an incredible musician.

Fuck, I’m Sick -_-

I woke up with a fever this morning, and my first thought was “oh shit, really???”

I don’t *think* it’s The Virus, because all I have right now is a fever, and I still have my sense of smell.  I’m already feeling a bit better, since I got up, took a shower, and had some Real Food for breakfast.

I’m annoyed as fuck right now, because while I *do* have a headache, headaches are also *super common* with DID.  Like, a few months before I realized I had it, I had headaches almost *non-stop*.

At least I have games, knitting, and books to keep me occupied?

*throws feelings onto paper*

This entire virus thing is…weird as fuck, to be honest.

Like, I have anxiety and depression, which I’m pretty open about on this blog, along with Dissociative Identity Disorder.  The anxiety and depression are managed with medication and grounding techniques, DID is lots of therapy, trauma work, and self work.

And yet…I’m calm????????

Like I’m worried, yeah.  I have family who I don’t want to see affected by it, but we’re making jokes about toilet paper shortages, and why is all the yeast gone from the shelves??

I’m worried, but I’m not like…panicking?

I also feel like being disabled and unable to drive is…helping me cope with all this social/physical distancing stuff?

Like, I’ve had to find stuff I can do at home or without a lot of travel by necessity.  My main hobbies are all things I can do at home, so I have stuff to do *looks at his knitting projects* that can help keep me occupied.

I’m getting a lot of writing done, which is helping me.  I’ve learned that setting small goals is way easier for me to do for a writing session, rather than the word could goal for the story.

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To end this post on a happy note, have a picture of my dog being cute.

New Year’s Goals

Writing this down for myself, and having it down in public might be a way to hold myself accountable.

  • Get a job, and keep it
  • Keep going to therapy
  • Accept that having DID impacts my life
  • Stop buying cheap ebooks and video games
  • Finish my knitting projects before starting new ones
  • Get back into playing guitar regularly, not just when I have a lesson

2019 Reflections

Well, that was…a year.

That’s my first thought about 2019, to be honest. Looking back at my journal, a lot really did happen:

  • I became a father to two wonderful astral children
  • I got a job (then lost it two months later)
  • There was a shitstorm of a breakup with my platonic Otherworld partner
  • I lost one of my best friends
  • I got accused of faking DID by my ex-therapist, I promptly dumped him, and got my current therapist, who absolutely rocks
  • Trauma memories began to resurface
  • I think at least three new alters did the “HEY WE’RE OVER HERE” dissociative introduction thing that’s so fun /sarcasm
  • I began to formally work with the Queen of Darkness, which has been an immensely healing thing for me

So looking at that list above, a lot of stuff did happen. For some reason, it just doesn’t feel like a lot happened?

I don’t do much in the way of New Year’s resolutions, if I do come up with any I’ll write about them in another post. Now I’m going back to knitting and trying to recover from whatever plague I caught over Christmas.

New Guitar!

I got this beauty today!

She doesn’t have a name yet (I name all my instruments,) but I’ve been wanting an electric guitar for a while now. Basically since I started playing guitar…five years ago, I think it was, I’ve wanted to get an electric.

I got her as a present for myself for making it through this year, and my guitar teacher let me play her before buying, which is awesome.

It’s going to be a bit of an adjustment going from an acoustic guitar to an electric. My acoustic has nylon strings, which are softer, while my electric has steel strings. My acoustic also has a much bigger body and wider neck, so it’s taking some adjustment to play an electric guitar, because my hands are like “where’s the rest of it???”

But this guitar is really pretty, and I’m really glad I got her.

Life Update, and Side-eyeing Mother Death

Back in October, I finally got a job. It’s a call center job, which I hate.

I recently had an appointment with a specialist, because I’m having voice strain issues due to my job. Like, speaking can be physically difficult level of voice issues.

I also learned that I’m possibly having throat issues–issues that wouldn’t have been caught without that specialist appointment, due to vocal issues at my shitty job.

I’m side eyeing e/Everyone hardcore right now, especially Mother Death. Just. Is the coincidence, or is it A Thing???