Within the last two years, I’ve taken up dyeing my hair black as an act of devotion to Darkness as a whole. This is not only because it looks pretty, but also as a way of stating “this is where my loyalties lie.” It also helps that I prefer a casual romantic goth type look over any other aesthetic (much to the Madman’s delight.)
Recently I’ve begun to grow my hair out–I still live in a conservative state, and am still closeted in much of my day-to-day life. I decided to grow my hair out in order to “pass” as more feminine at places like job interviews, since I was beginning to worry that my more masculine haircut would mark me as queer right away. Being visibly disabled is a hard enough hurdle to pass over when job interviewing, being visibly queer in a conservative state was becoming something I just didn’t want to have to deal with.
This isn’t the first time I’ve done something with my hair related to devotion. Several years ago, before I knew I was trans, I covered my hair. The Dreamer initially asked it of me because he thought it would make me happy, and at the time I was in an abusive living arrangement, so the head covering would help ground and shield me as well. Eventually, he asked me to stop veiling, because it was no longer helping me (and I later moved out of that house, so the grounding and shielding were no longer needed to such an extent.)
My hair right now is at the point where I need headbands or combs in order to keep it out of my eyes. The Madman has suggested that I style my hair in public, eventually braiding or pulling it back as it gets longer, and keeping it down in private. I really like that idea, and I’ve found it to be comforting.
I actually prefer a more feminine look, which is frustrating when how I want to look, and my gender identity, are often seen as the exact opposite. While I want to transition and live as male full time, I’m also not in a rush to be see as extremely masculine. I feel conflicted about going partly back into the closet (still out to friends, closeted to family and work) because I enjoy some feminine style clothing and jewelry, but despise being referred to as a woman, or with “she/her” pronouns. I know that my safety and ability to have a job comes first, but it’s still really frustrating to have to go back into the closet, when I felt like I was making progress in my gender expression and feeling comfortable in it.
I know I’ve been really quiet on both my blogs, mainly because there’s not much to write about right now.
I’m starting to suspect that not only do I go into my annual fallow time in Summer, my depression also gets worse–I’m not saying that my depression and fallow time are connected, because they’re not. My fallow time starts in mid-to-late May, and it’s in June that my brain decides to hate me. The depression lingers around even after Darkness’s New Years, so I know the two aren’t connected.
I’ve also had some eye related health issues to take care of (thank the Blind King I got an appointment as fast as I did.) The ointment I used to treat it made everything blurry, so I haven’t spent as much time online. My eye doctor says that everything’s cleared up, so I’m good to go. Hopefully I can get some new glasses at my upcoming appointment, because I’ve had my old ones for years now.
Spiritual life wise, things are quiet. I’ve gotten a new tarot deck that only wants to be used during non-fallow times, so I’ll be writing about it later on. I got a set of heart-shaped runes, and those are going to be my personal set, rather than being for deity or Darkness related readings.
My family’s at our new house, and we have wi-fi now. The move went smoothly, and now we have to unpack like a million boxes.
I’ll probably be off social media for a while while we get stuff unpacked, but just wanted to make a quick post.
This post is about a week late, but I now Officially have an Associates degree in Business! The past three years have flown by, and I’m really proud of myself for finishing my degree.
I find my gods
in the everyday
in the life around me that
they wish for me to live, for myself
not for them, for my faith to ebb and flow,
in the quiet still of the college library
with an offering of tea, and studying for finals.
Today I bought a sketchbook and some colored pencils, because I’ve been wanting to get back into art after not having drawn anything for several years.
Then I remember that the Dreamer is an artist, and that he’s been gently encouraging me to get back into art and drawing for a while now. Not for any sort of devotional activity, just that he thinks I’d enjoy it. It makes me happy, that he’s encouraging my hobbies simply as things I enjoy doing.
That’s something that I’ve been noticing lately, that my Beloveds are encouraging my independence and balancing my “everyday” and spiritual life. They’re helping me separate the “mundane” and spiritual, rather than bringing them closer together. I’m going to have to sit with that realization for a bit, but it reminds me of the Madman’s comment about faith that ebbs and flows.