New Year's Goals

Writing this down for myself, and having it down in public might be a way to hold myself accountable.

  • Get a job, and keep it
  • Keep going to therapy
  • Accept that having DID impacts my life
  • Stop buying cheap ebooks and video games
  • Finish my knitting projects before starting new ones
  • Get back into playing guitar regularly, not just when I have a lesson

2019 Reflections

Well, that was…a year.

That’s my first thought about 2019, to be honest. Looking back at my journal, a lot really did happen:

  • I became a father to two wonderful astral children
  • I got a job (then lost it two months later)
  • There was a shitstorm of a breakup with my platonic Otherworld partner
  • I lost one of my best friends
  • I got accused of faking DID by my ex-therapist, I promptly dumped him, and got my current therapist, who absolutely rocks
  • Trauma memories began to resurface
  • I think at least three new alters did the “HEY WE’RE OVER HERE” dissociative introduction thing that’s so fun /sarcasm
  • I began to formally work with the Queen of Darkness, which has been an immensely healing thing for me

So looking at that list above, a lot of stuff did happen. For some reason, it just doesn’t feel like a lot happened?

I don’t do much in the way of New Year’s resolutions, if I do come up with any I’ll write about them in another post. Now I’m going back to knitting and trying to recover from whatever plague I caught over Christmas.

New Guitar!

I got this beauty today!

She doesn’t have a name yet (I name all my instruments,) but I’ve been wanting an electric guitar for a while now. Basically since I started playing guitar…five years ago, I think it was, I’ve wanted to get an electric.

I got her as a present for myself for making it through this year, and my guitar teacher let me play her before buying, which is awesome.

It’s going to be a bit of an adjustment going from an acoustic guitar to an electric. My acoustic has nylon strings, which are softer, while my electric has steel strings. My acoustic also has a much bigger body and wider neck, so it’s taking some adjustment to play an electric guitar, because my hands are like “where’s the rest of it???”

But this guitar is really pretty, and I’m really glad I got her.

Life Update, and Side-eyeing Mother Death

Back in October, I finally got a job. It’s a call center job, which I hate.

I recently had an appointment with a specialist, because I’m having voice strain issues due to my job. Like, speaking can be physically difficult level of voice issues.

I also learned that I’m possibly having throat issues–issues that wouldn’t have been caught without that specialist appointment, due to vocal issues at my shitty job.

I’m side eyeing e/Everyone hardcore right now, especially Mother Death. Just. Is the coincidence, or is it A Thing???

Hair, Devotion, and Gender Rambles

Within the last two years, I’ve taken up dyeing my hair black as an act of devotion to Darkness as a whole. This is not only because it looks pretty, but also as a way of stating “this is where my loyalties lie.” It also helps that I prefer a casual romantic goth type look over any other aesthetic (much to the Madman’s delight.)

Recently I’ve begun to grow my hair out–I still live in a conservative state, and am still closeted in much of my day-to-day life. I decided to grow my hair out in order to “pass” as more feminine at places like job interviews, since I was beginning to worry that my more masculine haircut would mark me as queer right away. Being visibly disabled is a hard enough hurdle to pass over when job interviewing, being visibly queer in a conservative state was becoming something I just didn’t want to have to deal with.

This isn’t the first time I’ve done something with my hair related to devotion. Several years ago, before I knew I was trans, I covered my hair. The Dreamer initially asked it of me because he thought it would make me happy, and at the time I was in an abusive living arrangement, so the head covering would help ground and shield me as well. Eventually, he asked me to stop veiling, because it was no longer helping me (and I later moved out of that house, so the grounding and shielding were no longer needed to such an extent.)

My hair right now is at the point where I need headbands or combs in order to keep it out of my eyes. The Madman has suggested that I style my hair in public, eventually braiding or pulling it back as it gets longer, and keeping it down in private. I really like that idea, and I’ve found it to be comforting.

I actually prefer a more feminine look, which is frustrating when how I want to look, and my gender identity, are often seen as the exact opposite. While I want to transition and live as male full time, I’m also not in a rush to be see as extremely masculine. I feel conflicted about going partly back into the closet (still out to friends, closeted to family and work) because I enjoy some feminine style clothing and jewelry, but despise being referred to as a woman, or with “she/her” pronouns. I know that my safety and ability to have a job comes first, but it’s still really frustrating to have to go back into the closet, when I felt like I was making progress in my gender expression and feeling comfortable in it.

*Dusts off His Blog*

I know I’ve been really quiet on both my blogs, mainly because there’s not much to write about right now.

I’m starting to suspect that not only do I go into my annual fallow time in Summer, my depression also gets worse–I’m not saying that my depression and fallow time are connected, because they’re not.  My fallow time starts in mid-to-late May, and it’s in June that my brain decides to hate me.  The depression lingers around even after Darkness’s New Years, so I know the two aren’t connected.

I’ve also had some eye related health issues to take care of (thank the Blind King I got an appointment as fast as I did.)  The ointment I used to treat it made everything blurry, so I haven’t spent as much time online.  My eye doctor says that everything’s cleared up, so I’m good to go.  Hopefully I can get some new glasses at my upcoming appointment, because I’ve had my old ones for years now.

Spiritual life wise, things are quiet.  I’ve gotten a new tarot deck that only wants to be used during non-fallow times, so I’ll be writing about it later on.  I got a set of heart-shaped runes, and those are going to be my personal set, rather than being for deity or Darkness related readings.