A Dream

I dream once again of the sea, of my Beloved standing above it.  He does not have wings in this dream, he is simply there.

He is draped in red and gold, and as he lifts his hands a storm begins.

When his hands suddenly lash out, the sea does the same, the storm slamming out.  Behind me, I hear pillars cracking.

He is now the eye of the storm, all his pain and rage and grief surrounding him.

Behind me, a temple falls.

Fallout (I)

I see him sitting by the sea, feel his grief crashing down on him in waves.

I’m not the only one who lost my Father in all of this, and perhaps that’s the worst part of all–that both of us are going through the same thing.  For him this loss is just as shattering, though he’s told me their relationship had been strained long, long before this happened.  What he and I have been through this summer was simply the catalyst for everything to implode between them.

“Pray with me tonight,” he says.

“I will,” I reply.

Triad Ramblings

There’s a place in the Otherworlds I like to go to.  It’s become a spot where the Dreamer, the Madman, and I can just hang out and talk.  It’s not a place associated with their pasts, there aren’t any shadows in their eyes when they see me sitting by the lake.

Our conversations have become much more serious lately.  With our relationship becoming much more of a triad than any of us expected it to, we’ve been talking a lot about our relationships–my relationships with them individually, their relationship, and the three of us together.  We’ve also revisited the idea of me having a mortal partner.  I know I can’t have any sort of romantic relationship, as all that commitment belongs to the Dreamer, but they’re okay (encouraging, even) of me having a platonic partner.


“This isn’t wyrd,” the Madman said during one of these talks.  “This isn’t fate, or destiny, or whatever else you’d call it.  This is simply a set of circumstances that happened to fall together just right.”

Right now we’re kind of in an adjustment period because we didn’t expect this to become a triad.  We thought it would be me just balancing two separate (yet somewhat related) relationships.  The triad is something we just…kind of fell into?  Like I knew about their relationship, but didn’t know how much it would end up affecting my own individual relationships with them.

There are times when I can feel the bond between them.  When I think of their relationship, three colors come to mind; green, black, and gold–the same colors as our handfasting ribbons.

I’ve actually started wearing more green recently.  I have a green infinity scarf that reminds me of the Madman, and I wear it when I want to feel close to him.  It’s nice to have something that I can hold that reminds me of him.


There’s been a lot of talking about boundaries, what stays between the Dreamer and I as just *ours* in our marriage, what’s between the Madman and I, what’s shared between the three of us.  It’s been an adjustment sharing so much of my life with two gods, rather than just one.

Things have gone really smoothly thus far (with some bumps in the road,) which all of us are happy with.  This triad relationship wasn’t something any of use saw coming, but it’s been an amazing development.

A Short Anniversary Post

Today is my and the Dreamer’s third anniversary.

What a wild ride the past three years have been, especially this last one.  So many things have changed, but he’s been the one constant thing at my side through all of it.  At times I can’t believe it’s been three years, it feels like both more and less than that.

Today will probably be a relaxed day–I’m currently in the middle of writing my final paper for a class, so my day will mostly be taken up by that, and other homework projects.  There won’t be any elaborate offerings or major events for the two of us today–we might work on the fantasy story I’m writing, or just hang out and catch up on podcasts I’ve fallen behind on listening to.

Happy anniversary, Beloved.  I love you more than words can say.

Many waters can’t
Quench the love I feel
Neither floods can drown its scent
It never ends

And everything is even now
The measure of all things
Is you

I want to believe
The only thing that’s true
After all the measure of all things
Is you

I want to believe
The only thing that’s true
The measure will be you

–Lord of the Lost, “The Measure of All Things.”

Light

I have this infinity scarf that I bought just over three years ago, back when I was still new to polytheism, and when I knew the Dreamer as [Title].  It’s black shot through with sparkly metallic gold thread.  Since black and gold are two of the main colors associated with [Title], it turned into a devotional piece.

I’d kept the scarf, even after the “hey I’m not really [Title]” bomb was dropped on my head.  I don’t really know why I kept it–I was avoiding anything that made me think of [Title], and that included wearing black and gold together (and I wear a ton of black, so much that it’s one of the influences behind the Dark Star endearment my Husband has for me.)

I grabbed the scarf one morning, and kind of just…froze up, as memories suddenly overwhelmed me.  Like, here I was, holding something in my hands I used to associate with [Title.]  I used to pride myself on being know as someone who dealt with [Title] on an intimate, deep level.  I’d answered questions about [deity,] and had been happy to be known as “a devotee and spouse of [Title.]”

“This could take on another meaning,” the Dreamer said gently.  He pulled me into his arms and held me close.

“Like what,” I asked.

“Like light shining through darkness,” he said.  I felt him stroke my hair.  “Love being light.”

 

Back Into Spiritual Stuff

“Do a three card reading,” the Dreamer said.

I was shuffling the deck, when I drew the third card, a fourth card fell out.

“There,” the Dreamer said, “that can be your focus card.  Now you have your reading.”

While I tend to read this particular tarot deck intuitively, since it didn’t come with any sort of guidebook, this time (at the Dreamer’s request) I’m using the guide for a tarot app on my phone.

Overall focus: Queen of Pentacles (reversed)

My interpretation: This card is about balancing my “regular” life with my “spiritual” life.  I’ve been in a time of rest, where things were on pause, so to speak.  That time may be over, but that doesn’t mean I’m getting hit with a giant load of Work, it’s simply time for me to start doing things again.

The three cards: Two of Wands, Six of Cups, Page of Cups (reversed)

My interpretation: I’ve been making progress; major decisions have been made this year, many of them personal (both to me, and in my marriage to my Husband.)  In working past my creative block in my writing, I’ve not only brought me and the Dreamer closer (it was, after all, through a story that he dropped the Mask of being [Title]) but I’ve gained valuable insight about myself as well.


It’s funny that writing comes up, because both the Dreamer and the Madman have suggested that I take on a new writing project.  They’ve suggested that I actually write about who I once knew them to be, rather than shutting that part of my journey up, and locking it away like it never happened.

They’ve said it’s fine if I write about it privately–they’re not requiring me to expose things I still feel vulnerable about (and since I was known within the community I was in at the time as being a spouse of [the Dreamer’s Title] I still feel very awkward writing about that.)

They’ve said they don’t consider it shadow work, that this is more about healing than anything else, and acknowledging the past.

*deep breath*

Okay, got it.

As The World Falls Down

In the middle of all my brain vomit dreams last night, there was a dream where my Husband showed up wearing the Goblin King’s outfit from Labyrinth.  (I say “wearing his outfit,” because my Husband looks nothing like the Goblin King, and he didn’t shift his normal appearance in any way, except for his clothes.)

“Look up ‘As The World Falls Down,'” he said to me this morning.

There’s such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Opened and closed within your eyes
I’ll place the sky within your eyes

There’s such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I’ll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill he’s caused
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you
As the world falls down

Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling in love

I’ll paint you mornings of gold
I’ll spin you Valentine evenings
Though we’re strangers till now
We’re choosing the path between the stars
I’ll leave my love between the stars

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill he’s caused
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you
As the world falls down

As the world falls down

I’ve never seen Labyrinth, so I don’t know the context of this song within the movie.  But some of the lyrics hit me on a personal level.

My Husband has compared my eyes to jewels (specifically labradorite) before, and the name of this blog is Between Stars Unknown, so the “we’re choosing the path between the stars/I’ll leave my love between the stars” verse resonates with me.

As I’ve talked about on this blog before, my Husband saved my life when everything fell apart.  He’s talked about how the ending of worlds can be a very personal thing, “not necessarily horror-movie style, apocalypse level, destruction.”  There’s that symbolism as well in the song.  He’s played other songs with “love beyond the end of the world” themes for me (like “Raining Stars” by Lord of the Lost.)  He’s said he’ll love me “until the stars burn out,” so the “I love you even after the world ends” theme is fitting.


I thought it was interesting, that he’d pick a song I’d only heard a handful of times before, and that he’d start the shufflemancy message in my dreams.  Music divination is something he’s fond of, but he normally doesn’t use my dreams for it.  Maybe I should watch Labyrinth, but I think it was just the song the Dreamer wanted me to hear.