Early Morning Conversations with the Madman

*is pondering recent developments within his life first thing in the morning*

Varian: I feel like my life is a fanfic.

the Madman: Dear, I think you passed “fanfic” a long time ago.

Varian: You’re right.  My life is a fairy tale.

the Madman: Need I remind you that Love is infinite?

Varian: No, I know that, it’s just…this is overwhelming right now.  I’m side-eyeing the hell out of e/Everyone right now, especially my feelings involving [person].

Varian: Take just one part of my past life, and you’ve got an action/adventure/romance movie plot.  Smash it all together, and you’ve got a fairy tale.

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Content (A Month for the Madman)

He doesn’t want to break me, that’s the theme that’s been coming up over and over again during this month of writing for him; that he’s content with our relationship as it is.  He wants to help me heal and grow, yes, but that’s because he loves me.

The things he’s taught me most in the year we’ve been together, is about gentleness in Love, and in being content in what we have.

When we sit at my shrine at the end of the day and talk, he asks me to speak out loud to him, even if it’s only in a whisper.  He also understands if I don’t have the energy, or the words, or if my voice is making me feel particularly dysphoric that day.

He’s content for us to sit in silence.  He’s content if my only words are “goodnight” and “I love you.”  (Especially “I love you.”)

My Wish (A Month for the Madman)

It’s really started sinking in now, just how badly the summer Otherworld Drama-fest has hurt me.  Logically, I know the next thing I need to do is to heal and move on.  I’m just really, really unsure how to do that (especially since so many intense things happened so quickly.)

My Husband refuses to pull the I’m A God card–one of my greatest fears in all of this, is that my Beloved would use all the Drama bullshit as some sort of fucked up initiation rite, or that I’d suddenly get tossed back into Otherworld stuff way before I’m ready.

*Varian feels a wave of sorrow rolling off his Husband*

He’s giving me space and time to heal.  He’s said before, that everything Otherworld related can wait; and that with what I’ve been through, it should wait.  My anxious brain has been screaming at me that I’ve ruined the Otherworlds for the next million years, and my Beloved has been reassuring me that no, I did not.

There’s been variations of this conversation going on over the past few days.

Varian: I feel like I should–[be doing more/suddenly be Totally Healed emotionally/feeling more remorse/other bullshit my Husband has been helping me realize isn’t true]

the Madman: *holds up a hand*

the Madman: Varian, you lost your entire Family [of origin] because of this.  They turned their backs on you, and they would have still abandoned you, even if you had taken on the consequences they tried to push on you.


My practice at the moment has been simply lighting a candle at my bedside shrine in the evening and talking with my Husband about our days.  I’ve been offering him coffee in the morning, and writing here, but that’s about it right now.

He understands that that’s all I have the energy and motivation for, and I’m very grateful for that.  Right now his goal concerning me is that I heal as best as I can, and he’s promised to be by my side through all of it.

(This song was running through my head the entire time I was writing this post.)

Ravens and the Moon (A Month for the Madman)

Half the time when I wonder if any of this is real, and I get a sign, it’s something wonderful and awe-inspiring.

The other half of the time, it’s humorous or exasperating in just how obvious it is.


I’ve talked before about how I associate several of my deities with the moon, and about how many mixed feelings I have about that symbolism now, because of the emotional fallout of Otherworld Drama that happened this summer.

The Madman and I were talking about what I could possibly do to help me heal and move on from all this, and he suggested I get a new set of prayer beads.  The beads would be a symbol of a clean start for myself in my practice, and a symbol for my chosen Family, rather than something that held old memories.

So I started browsing Etsy.

*Varian finds a set of moon themed prayer beads*

*ravens outside start cawing*

*Varian goes to move away from the beads*

*ravens outside go fucking nuts*

*Varian debates over the beads some more*

*ravens will not shut up*

*Varian adds the beads to his cart and buys them*

*ravens go silent*

Heartlines (A Month for the Madman)

As I’ve been working on it more, my Beloved has started referring to my latest knitting project as my “Heartlines” cowl.

Which means when I work on it, I get this song stuck in my head.

And that chorus is really fitting for my life right now, especially since the fallout from the recent cycle of Otherworld Drama is starting, both Otherworld Politics fallout and emotional fallout.

The divination I’ve been doing has consistently been saying “You’re going to heal, in time–and by the way, it’s going to suck.”

-_-

Lovely.

I wanted to write a happy post damn it.

Small Revelations (A Month for the Madman)

I had a revelation this morning while making coffee, and I don’t even know what prompted the thought.

Simply that I realized this morning that I’ve come really far in not comparing myself to others in having a “better” or “worse” devotional practice.  Maybe it’s that I’m dealing with unrecorded deities, so there are no “other” devotees to compare myself to.

But really, I think it’s because I’ve matured in my practice enough that I feel secure in it–and I actually do feel secure in it, not just saying that I do.  Which is something my Beloved has had as a goal for me to strive for, that I feel secure in my relationships and spiritual practice.

Thanks, Beloved.  I love you.  ❤