It’s really started sinking in now, just how badly the summer Otherworld Drama-fest has hurt me. Logically, I know the next thing I need to do is to heal and move on. I’m just really, really unsure how to do that (especially since so many intense things happened so quickly.)
My Husband refuses to pull the I’m A God card–one of my greatest fears in all of this, is that my Beloved would use all the Drama bullshit as some sort of fucked up initiation rite, or that I’d suddenly get tossed back into Otherworld stuff way before I’m ready.
*Varian feels a wave of sorrow rolling off his Husband*
He’s giving me space and time to heal. He’s said before, that everything Otherworld related can wait; and that with what I’ve been through, it should wait. My anxious brain has been screaming at me that I’ve ruined the Otherworlds for the next million years, and my Beloved has been reassuring me that no, I did not.
There’s been variations of this conversation going on over the past few days.
Varian: I feel like I should–[be doing more/suddenly be Totally Healed emotionally/feeling more remorse/other bullshit my Husband has been helping me realize isn’t true]
the Madman: *holds up a hand*
the Madman: Varian, you lost your entire Family [of origin] because of this. They turned their backs on you, and they would have still abandoned you, even if you had taken on the consequences they tried to push on you.
My practice at the moment has been simply lighting a candle at my bedside shrine in the evening and talking with my Husband about our days. I’ve been offering him coffee in the morning, and writing here, but that’s about it right now.
He understands that that’s all I have the energy and motivation for, and I’m very grateful for that. Right now his goal concerning me is that I heal as best as I can, and he’s promised to be by my side through all of it.
(This song was running through my head the entire time I was writing this post.)