On (Not) Being Broken

He [the Madman) showed me a vision involving pottery, in order to explain this [his hatred of gods breaking people, especially for the “greater good] better.

“There’s a difference,” he said to me, “between taking a pot and adding more clay, to fill in the cracks, and a bit of glaze, so it blends in and is smoothed out….” He gently set the first pot aside.

He suddenly grabbed the second pot and hurled it down on the floor, and the sound of the clay shattering made me jump.

“And taking something so you can break it,“ he said, “fill the cracks in with gold, and claim that you made it better, because look there, those golden scars are yours.”

–Varian’s journal log, July 16, 2017


Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching, especially with the progress that I’m making in therapy. Some of that soul-searching involves going over the toxic ideas that I once had about devotion, and that’s especially true about the idea of being “broken” by the gods.

The Madman despises that idea–I did an entire month of devotional writing with him, and one theme kept coming up over, and over, and over again. That theme being of how he does not want to break me.

“He would leave before he ever broke me,” I wrote in a poem, “I know this the way I know he loves roses.”


I’ve mentioned before, that the Madman and the Dreamer are each other’s reflection; they work together so incredibly well because they’re complete opposites, not in spite of it. Their relationship is complicated; they’re best friends, lovers, and sometimes enemies as well. I joke that their relationship is what would happen if the hero and villain of the story fell in love, but that’s more the truth than it is a joke.

The Madman sometimes uses the term “villain” to describe himself, it’s a shorthand way of explaining a more complex idea. I knew about the role itself, he’d explained it to me through serious conversations, sarcastic comments, and that some of the music he requested on his playlist had a consistent villain/antagonist theme to it.

Lately–when I’ve seen him, which isn’t often right now–I’ve been seeing him in more of a Sacred Villain/Divine Antagonist role. I knew he played this role with the Dreamer, and it folds into them both as [High Power Deities] but it took a few very blunt questions from him, to realize he was putting that Hat on with me as well.

“Where did it come from,” he asked me one day, “the idea that the love of a god is a savage, dark thing?”

Slowly, he’s been helping me pick apart my old ideas about devotion, taking my internalized toxic ideas and breaking them down piece by piece. Where did they come from? What purpose did they serve? Did they help me at all, or only cause pain?


I’ve found that this is not only helping me with figuring out what devotion means to me, but it’s also helping my mental health as well. In learning about, and working my way through, toxic ideas of what devotion to (and Love for) a deity means, I’ve found that not only is my practice beginning to stabilize, but that my anxiety has gone down as well.

Thank you, Beloved, for all your help, support, and Love. ❤

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Early Morning Conversations with the Madman

*is pondering recent developments within his life first thing in the morning*

Varian: I feel like my life is a fanfic.

the Madman: Dear, I think you passed “fanfic” a long time ago.

Varian: You’re right.  My life is a fairy tale.

the Madman: Need I remind you that Love is infinite?

Varian: No, I know that, it’s just…this is overwhelming right now.  I’m side-eyeing the hell out of e/Everyone right now, especially my feelings involving [person].

Varian: Take just one part of my past life, and you’ve got an action/adventure/romance movie plot.  Smash it all together, and you’ve got a fairy tale.

Content (A Month for the Madman)

He doesn’t want to break me, that’s the theme that’s been coming up over and over again during this month of writing for him; that he’s content with our relationship as it is.  He wants to help me heal and grow, yes, but that’s because he loves me.

The things he’s taught me most in the year we’ve been together, is about gentleness in Love, and in being content in what we have.

When we sit at my shrine at the end of the day and talk, he asks me to speak out loud to him, even if it’s only in a whisper.  He also understands if I don’t have the energy, or the words, or if my voice is making me feel particularly dysphoric that day.

He’s content for us to sit in silence.  He’s content if my only words are “goodnight” and “I love you.”  (Especially “I love you.”)

My Wish (A Month for the Madman)

It’s really started sinking in now, just how badly the summer Otherworld Drama-fest has hurt me.  Logically, I know the next thing I need to do is to heal and move on.  I’m just really, really unsure how to do that (especially since so many intense things happened so quickly.)

My Husband refuses to pull the I’m A God card–one of my greatest fears in all of this, is that my Beloved would use all the Drama bullshit as some sort of fucked up initiation rite, or that I’d suddenly get tossed back into Otherworld stuff way before I’m ready.

*Varian feels a wave of sorrow rolling off his Husband*

He’s giving me space and time to heal.  He’s said before, that everything Otherworld related can wait; and that with what I’ve been through, it should wait.  My anxious brain has been screaming at me that I’ve ruined the Otherworlds for the next million years, and my Beloved has been reassuring me that no, I did not.

There’s been variations of this conversation going on over the past few days.

Varian: I feel like I should–[be doing more/suddenly be Totally Healed emotionally/feeling more remorse/other bullshit my Husband has been helping me realize isn’t true]

the Madman: *holds up a hand*

the Madman: Varian, you lost your entire Family [of origin] because of this.  They turned their backs on you, and they would have still abandoned you, even if you had taken on the consequences they tried to push on you.


My practice at the moment has been simply lighting a candle at my bedside shrine in the evening and talking with my Husband about our days.  I’ve been offering him coffee in the morning, and writing here, but that’s about it right now.

He understands that that’s all I have the energy and motivation for, and I’m very grateful for that.  Right now his goal concerning me is that I heal as best as I can, and he’s promised to be by my side through all of it.

(This song was running through my head the entire time I was writing this post.)

Ravens and the Moon (A Month for the Madman)

Half the time when I wonder if any of this is real, and I get a sign, it’s something wonderful and awe-inspiring.

The other half of the time, it’s humorous or exasperating in just how obvious it is.


I’ve talked before about how I associate several of my deities with the moon, and about how many mixed feelings I have about that symbolism now, because of the emotional fallout of Otherworld Drama that happened this summer.

The Madman and I were talking about what I could possibly do to help me heal and move on from all this, and he suggested I get a new set of prayer beads.  The beads would be a symbol of a clean start for myself in my practice, and a symbol for my chosen Family, rather than something that held old memories.

So I started browsing Etsy.

*Varian finds a set of moon themed prayer beads*

*ravens outside start cawing*

*Varian goes to move away from the beads*

*ravens outside go fucking nuts*

*Varian debates over the beads some more*

*ravens will not shut up*

*Varian adds the beads to his cart and buys them*

*ravens go silent*

Heartlines (A Month for the Madman)

As I’ve been working on it more, my Beloved has started referring to my latest knitting project as my “Heartlines” cowl.

Which means when I work on it, I get this song stuck in my head.

And that chorus is really fitting for my life right now, especially since the fallout from the recent cycle of Otherworld Drama is starting, both Otherworld Politics fallout and emotional fallout.

The divination I’ve been doing has consistently been saying “You’re going to heal, in time–and by the way, it’s going to suck.”

-_-

Lovely.

I wanted to write a happy post damn it.