Back To Fallow Times I Go…

I did some divination to clarify that dream I wrote about in my last post, and I did remember it correctly.  The Dreamer has left, and he doesn’t know when he’ll be back; what’s going on in the Otherworlds has his full attention, and the Madman’s as well.  They’ve got People watching over me, but They’re staying in the background.

My Beloveds do want me to continue to build a relationship with J.  Both of them have said before that they don’t want me to be alone, and we had talked about mortal partners even before J got involved in my life.  (They consider J to be my mortal partner even though he lives in the Otherworlds.)

I’ve also been Ordered to focus on my mundane life and my schoolwork, so it’s back to fallow times for me.  I might write some poetry or music posts, but if my blog goes quiet for a while, it’s because I’m in the middle of tests and papers.

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They Remind Me That I’ve Ruined Nothing

One of the things I didn’t expect to happen with this Summer’s Drama is that my anxiety would go way up.  Thinking about it, it makes perfect sense that what happened would cause my brain to turn the “you’re in danger” warning lights up to a million–and with there being some ongoing fallout Over There [and that’s all I’m going to say about it] my anxiety has gotten worse.

I’m still in the fallow time, though lately I’ve been referring to it as “Otherworld Me is on lockdown mode,” rather than my entire spiritual practice stopping.  I’ve begun to sense Him* a bit more lately, and have been getting some visuals of where He is, but nothing more than that.  He’s been spending a lot of time in one particular area of the Otherworlds while He heals from all the emotional crap He got put through this Summer.


A thing that continues to surprise me, is that the Far Ones actually care about all of this.  They keep reminding me that the thing I need to focus on in all of this is healing.  One of Them dropped by this afternoon to check on me, and that conversation put into perspective that yeah, I’m an anxious wreck right now.

“I’m scared I’ve ruined everything, that [Kingdom and Realm] will go up in flames and it’ll be my fault–”

They raised eyebrow at this.

And what evidence do you have for that, young King?

“My anxiety.”

And nothing more than that.

“Yes but–”

Varian, you’ve ruined nothing.  Stick with [J’s name], let him be the center of your practice for a while.  Let [the Dreamer] handle what’s going on.


*I use Capital Pronouns when talking about my Otherworld/astral form to differentiate between me Here and Me-Over-There.

Processing, Faith, and Healing the Cracks

I started therapy today.

Before I went in, I got a message from my Beloveds–that they’ll be with me before and after the sessions, if I need them, but not during.  I need that space to myself, need to process all my mental health issues by myself–for myself, not for them.  I can take my prayer beads if I want to, just for something to hold in my hands while I talk, but…this is for me.  This has nothing to do with being a better devotee, and everything to do with me, and my mental health.


This intentional fallow time has been…interesting, so far.  I’ve had some weird as fuck dreams, but it’s a blend of random crap, and my brain processing everything that’s happened with the summer’s Otherworld Drama-fest.  Nothing involving Otherworld related stuff in the Serious Things Are Happening Now sense–and that’s a major relief.

Something that’s happened, that’s taken me completely by surprise, is that the “cracks” in my head from sensing astral stuff…those “cracks” have closed up.  If I try and reach out to the Otherworlds, I get a feeling like hitting…not a wall, it’s more like I hit the membrane between worlds, and it bounces back (gently throwing me back Here.)

I’ve been praying more often at my Husbands’ shrine at night, rather than reaching out during the day.  Sometimes we talk, other times they just listen (or they tell me to go to sleep already.)  I’ve found that if I try and reach out to them during the day, that I get the godphone version of their answering machines (which I understand, they’re busy with their Jobs.)

*Varian’s anxiety starts screaming that everything Over There is falling apart*

*Varian tells his anxiety to shut up, everything Over There is fine*


I was venting about mental health stuff one evening, and the Madman said something that made me pause.

“You were never taught about faith that ebbs and flows.”

He’s right, that I was taught that a person had to be “on fire” about their beliefs all the time, rather than having faith that’s not “on” and super intense all the time.

It’s okay for things to not be intense, I needed to be reminded of that.

Okay, We’re Doing This

The intentional fallow period starts today, Dreamer’s orders.

He’s very, very insistent that it start now, rather than wait until after his Realm’s New Years (which is coming up in just under two weeks.)  He does want me to obverse New Years with our Family.  It can be something simple like leaving an offering and writing a poem, nothing elaborate.

He’s reassured me that this isn’t the ending of my path, far from it.  He simply wants me to rest and heal (especially emotionally) from the clusterfuck of Drama that’s happened this summer, before I go any further in my path.


Just before I posted this, I went to check the mail.

Two things got here today, both sooner than I expected–my Family themed prayer beads (which I wrote about here) and my signed copy of Bella Morte’s new album, Year of the Ghost.  One of the songs on that album already holds significance to me, and the album and the prayer beads showing up together feels like timing that is Not Coincidence.