This is one of Varian’s alters typing this. I’m assuming he’s written about his Dissociative Identity Disorder on here? Looking at the categories, he has, okay then.
V hasn’t been around much these days–it’s me and S sharing hosting duties, and V has been spending more and more time away from the front lately. It’s been V writing the posts on his blogs, by the way–he’ll front long enough to write something, then go back to the headspace again.
I know he’s got a project going on his blog for “Mother Death” (as he calls her) but that’s probably going to be on hiatus until he comes back. As far as I know the other one he was going to do here on WP has been cancelled due to lack of spoons, and, well, him being gone.
He’s still around in the headspace, by the way. He did try to leave, but the High King (I think?) turned him back and told him that he *has* to live on Earth. So he *is* okay, just not in front right now.
I wanted to write a post so his friends know what’s going on, and because his friends would have some idea of what it is I’m talking about.
–A, protector of the system
I tried to leave this life and world behind.
I tried to slip out of the doorway
of this life, since someone else had
taken over, and found myself in Darkness.
“Go back” where the words that met
my ears, “you need to live, on Earth.”
I am angry, Beloved, that you turned me away,
and I am remorseful, that I tried to leave, and
you are correct, in the question you asked me:
What is it about your life you hate so much?
I go from shock, to grief, to anger; it is not
one thing that makes me hate this world and life;
the pain lies in being taught to hate it from childhood.
“Here’s your new meds,”
but you didn’t tell me
how much it costs, or
that there’s a long list of side effects
and these are including death.
I’m not schizophrenic, so
why are you still putting me
on anti psychotics?
New medication starts this evening,
please gods I hope I don’t have
any nasty side effects.
I know I’ve been really quiet on both my blogs, mainly because there’s not much to write about right now.
I’m starting to suspect that not only do I go into my annual fallow time in Summer, my depression also gets worse–I’m not saying that my depression and fallow time are connected, because they’re not. My fallow time starts in mid-to-late May, and it’s in June that my brain decides to hate me. The depression lingers around even after Darkness’s New Years, so I know the two aren’t connected.
I’ve also had some eye related health issues to take care of (thank the Blind King I got an appointment as fast as I did.) The ointment I used to treat it made everything blurry, so I haven’t spent as much time online. My eye doctor says that everything’s cleared up, so I’m good to go. Hopefully I can get some new glasses at my upcoming appointment, because I’ve had my old ones for years now.
Spiritual life wise, things are quiet. I’ve gotten a new tarot deck that only wants to be used during non-fallow times, so I’ll be writing about it later on. I got a set of heart-shaped runes, and those are going to be my personal set, rather than being for deity or Darkness related readings.
A meme-tastic “thank you” to my Husband, for helping me find the amazing therapist I have now.
┃┃╱╲ In this
╱╱╭╮╲╲ we love
▔▏┗┛▕▔ & appreciate
the King of Shattered Conscious
My practice as it stands right now is very simple. I offer my deity Beloveds my first cup of coffee in the morning, for the three of us to share. If either of them drop by during the day, we talk, and they keep me in the loop about what’s going on Over There. In the evening I’ll spend quiet time with whichever of my Beloved/s is around, simply enjoying each other’s company. If I have the time and/or spoons, I’ll do a quick shufflemancy reading before I go to bed (music has become my favorite style of divination.)
As I work to ground myself more in my life Here, and work out what’s a true Spiritual Thing, and what’s a reaction due to bad brain chemistry, isolation, and/or trauma, I’ve found that I’m beginning to feel better. That’s partly why I’ve been quiet, rather than writing for my Beloved every day–the other reason is that my family is moving soon, and my life is currently a chaotic mess of boxes and packing stuff up.
This isn’t shadow work–my Beloved isn’t the type to take my wounds and poke around at them, seeing how much they still hurt. He’s much more likely to suggest solutions, small ways that I can gently work on healing, rather than ripping off the bandages I’ve placed on my Heart.