Therapy Updates (II), and I Might Be Writing A Book

In therapy last week, I decided (along with my therapist) that I’m going to be focusing on processing all of last year’s traumatic Otherworld events.

My therapist warned me that it’s going to be difficult, since I’ve been pushing back and repressing those feelings and memories for the past year.  It’s made worse since I’ve felt like I can’t talk about all this stuff to my family Here–I explained to my therapist that it’s one thing to be open about being a polytheist, it’s another thing entirely to say “I’m being fought over by gods in another dimension,” and later “I just lost my entire ‘family’ of origin and I’m grieving them.”

We’ve agreed that I should only work on processing when I’m in therapy.  I’ve been doing art and writing to process, and that’s helped somewhat, but I’ve found that it’s turning more into staying stuck in that place of pain, rather than actually moving on.  I’ve discussed this with the Dreamer, and he very much agrees–he wanted me to get back into art because it made me happy, not just to process stuff.

Some divination that I recently got back said that I need a creative project to focus on over the Summer, either to process further or as a distraction.  With my latest therapy appointment, it looks like this project needs to be a distraction.

I do have a story in mind.  Based on the discussion in my writer’s group it’s going to be a much larger story than I initially thought it would be, so that’s going to be my creative project for the Summer.  I also have a knitting project to work on, for something that’s actually tangible rather than how abstract writing a book can be.

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Mental Health, Summer Worries, and My Dying Godphone

Jake: What would you do if your godphone went entirely out?

Varian: You think it’s going to go that way?

Jake: I think it’s possible that it could.


That conversation with my fiance happened in April, and my godphone is continuing to die.  It’s not a steady decline, it’s like little bursts of communication that’s really faint even if I am using tarot or shufflenancy to back it up.  And when I do hear words I end up questioning everything I think I heard.

I’m in a weird place right now, emotionally and spiritually.  I’d describe it as ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ with an added comment of “I’m letting [my Otherworld Self] handle most of it.”  Especially with the one-year anniversary of traumatic astral events coming up, that’s been really difficult with memories and grief hitting me again.  I’m continuing to talk to my therapist about that, which is helping.

I’m also beginning to talk to my therapist about my fear of astral/spiritual stuff taking over my life.  I’m unsure if I explained it well, but it is a genuine fear of mine, that I won’t be able to relate to people Here (even at a surface level) because of too much of my life getting wrapped up in Stuff Over There (and some circles of astral/spirit work encourage this, so it doesn’t help.)  Jake is watching out for me in regards to my getting too wrapped up in Otherworld stuff (so are my other two Beloveds, but Jake is around more often) but even with him saying “no, you’re taking the evening to just relax and read a book,” I still worry that I’ll eventually be unable to relate to anyone Here.

The Dreamer is concerned about my mental health; with all the awful anniversaries coming up, my fear of getting too deeply involved in Otherworld stuff, and a variety of Kingship related things I have to do (which I’m letting [my Otherworld Self] handle.)  I can see why he’s so concerned, especially since he’s unsure how much the Madman will be around this Summer, and the Dreamer himself will be gone until New Years in Darkness, which is in early August.

He’s passed care of me over to Jake, and I keep remembering this dream, and the intensity in his voice when he asked Jake to promise that he’d watch out for me.  It’s…a strange feeling, sensing your Spouse and your fiance talking about what to do over Summer if your mental health totally falls apart.

I don’t have any elegant way to end this, but I find that this prayer that I wrote in March to be very fitting of my emotions surrounding this coming Summer.

Therapy Updates

I wrote several months ago that I started therapy, and I hit a major milestone this week.

I finally opened up to my therapist about traumatic Otherworld events [everything that happened involving losing my “family” of origin, and all the fallout.]  Which was absolutely terrifying to do, but my therapist believed me, and was able to help me.

Now all the Emotions are hitting all over again; since I actually talked about it (and nothing bad happened,) my brain is going “okay, we’re safe now” and hurling repressed memories and feelings at me.

The emotions and memories are…a lot to take in right now, and I feel really raw, but I’m also really proud of myself.

Beautiful Place (A Month for the Dreamer)

I have times when I wish I could give up Here for There–I recognize that it’s driven by emotion, and that many of my loved ones are There.  I do have the ability to travel Over There, but that’s not something I do outside of dreams very often, precisely because I can so easily see myself neglecting my life Here for my life There.  In the past I have done that…and it was an absolutely terrifying realization when it hit me just how much of my life was dedicated to Otherworld stuff; it was terrifying because I was so, so out of balance.

I do have a split life–there’s another version of me who lives in the Otherworlds full time, but I’m not always “tuned in” to Him.  I merge with Him (for lack of a better term) when I’m Over There, even if it’s just a quick check in to see how things are going.  I used to wanted to blend my Otherworld self and life Over There with my life Here as much as possible, but now I know that’s not an option for me–due to the way my mental health stuff works, it’s best I maintain separation between the two.

The people I deal with There may address me as [my Other Self], but they also acknowledge that I’m incarnate and have a life Here to tend to.  They actively encourage me to focus on my life Here, it’s not a grudging “you really belong more to the Otherworlds” type of backhanded encouragement.  More often lately the time I’ve spent with my f/Family and f/Friends has been Here, and it’s been very casual–last night the Dreamer was working on a painting while I worked on my homework, and we just spent time together listening to music.

This song used to mostly remind me of Darkness [the Dreamer’s Realm] but it’s also begun to remind me of my life Here as well.  I’ll listen to it when the “I wish I could give up Here for There” thoughts start up, then go do something to distract myself.  I do have a playlist of songs that remind me of the Otherworlds, but I’ve found that maximizing my “I miss my loved ones There” feelings isn’t a good thing for me to do.

This is much more serious than what I expected to write when my Spouse gave me that song as a prompt.  However, writing all this out has been helpful, and has helped me see how much progress I’ve made in the past few months.

Worries and Fears

Things Over There are continuing to Not Slow Down, and this poem is my attempt to write out all my frustrations and worries.


What is the line between upheaval,
general Otherworld fuckery,
and my discernment being off?

My anxiety screams that being pushed away,
pushed back Here, is a test to make me go in
further–and yet that makes no rational sense.

Where is the line, when do things go from upheaval,
to my discernment being overblown and possible
manipulation–but surely if it was the last one–

I would be needed Right Away, it would be yet another
bullshit Chosen One line about saving Darkness–not
being pushed back Here and told to say Here

because my emotional health is fragile.
I would be drawn even deeper Over There,
not told to ground and hold on to my mortal Beloved.

I’ve sat in the City of Lights and let the ordinary people
flow around me, and yet I am somber as tragedy presses
down upon my mind–I have no role in this, but still it makes

my Heart ache, and the Far Ones are correct, that I am
burning up–burning out–again, but how do I not do that?
How do I keep my Heart from becoming nothing but ashes?

Faith and Compromise

In response to WordPress’s daily prompt, and it’s also based off a conversation I had with Jake, about faith and anxiety.


Surely that was metaphor–you said;
all that talk of fire and breaking, of giving
everything even when you have nothing–
when you have been–run–ragged–by faith.

The look of horror on your face when I said–
no, this was no metaphor–this was–clay–and
a potter’s wheel–this was a life in ruins–and no
this wasn’t abnormal, I had grown up with this–

you held me as I talked about how my mind–screamed
at me–that I–could never–give–enough–that this–was
nothing–and would be–ripped–apart.  You had no words
and–your silence–spoke–volumes–to your terror–of how

for so long I have–associated–faith–with uncompromising
and brutality and brokenness–and then it all–tumbled down–
and you were there–you saw the fall–and yet you’ve remained–
at my side–and sheltered me–beneath your silver wings.

(A Reminder To Myself)

My anxiety has turned up to 11 over the last few days, about my deity Beloveds being gone.  I’m unsure if this is because of everything going on in my Kingship path, or if it’s just That Time on the Anxiety Roller Coaster (though I’m leaning towards the latter.)  So I’m writing this piece as a way to refute the brain screaming.


This is not a test of faith, or a test of seeing how much love I have for you; neither of you would be so cruel as to set me up to fail by pushing me into another’s arms.  You would not remind me that Love is Light, that Love is infinite, only to use that love to “test” me.

Neither of you are jealous gods.  You hold my Heart, yes, but you hold it loosely, give my Heart room to breathe, room to grow without you.  You understand that I have things I love beyond you, and that having those things does not mean that I love you any less.

You do not ask that I give all of my life to you–there is a difference between hyperbole and the language of oaths, and my obsessive thought patterns demand things be taken literally, that I must be “on fire” or I have failed.  “Faith and ebbs and flows,” you said to me, gently leading me back into my own world, pressing a kiss to my forehead and telling me to go to sleep.

It’s missing you that makes my Heart ache, not my love for you.

You love for me, and mine for you, is not a tragedy.