“Thank You” in Memes

A meme-tastic “thank you” to my Husband, for helping me find the amazing therapist I have now.

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ In this
┃╱╱╲╲ house
╱╱╭╮╲╲ we love
▔▏┗┛▕▔ & appreciate
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
the King of Shattered Conscious
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

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Simplicity and Healing (A Month for the Dreamer)

My practice as it stands right now is very simple.  I offer my deity Beloveds my first cup of coffee in the morning, for the three of us to share.  If either of them drop by during the day, we talk, and they keep me in the loop about what’s going on Over There.  In the evening I’ll spend quiet time with whichever of my Beloved/s is around, simply enjoying each other’s company.  If I have the time and/or spoons, I’ll do a quick shufflemancy reading before I go to bed (music has become my favorite style of divination.)

As I work to ground myself more in my life Here, and work out what’s a true Spiritual Thing, and what’s a reaction due to bad brain chemistry, isolation, and/or trauma, I’ve found that I’m beginning to feel better.  That’s partly why I’ve been quiet, rather than writing for my Beloved every day–the other reason is that my family is moving soon, and my life is currently a chaotic mess of boxes and packing stuff up.

This isn’t shadow work–my Beloved isn’t the type to take my wounds and poke around at them, seeing how much they still hurt.  He’s much more likely to suggest solutions, small ways that I can gently work on healing, rather than ripping off the bandages I’ve placed on my Heart.

Improvement (A Month for the Dreamer)

Last year, the theme that arose during the month of writing for my Beloved is that we are not one person [link].  I’m still early in the month of writing for him this year, but so far he’s been rather hands-off when it comes to prompts.

Looking back over the writing I did for my Beloved last year, I can see just how much I’ve improved in my mental health.  I still have days, even weeks, when I struggle, but I can see a noticeable difference over how I was doing last year.

Knitting, Estrangement, and Grief

I have about 550 yards of red yarn, and…I’m facing a problem with it.

You see, it was going to be a poncho dedicated to [the Dreamer’s father.]  Magically, it was going to function as a sort of shield, and a reminder that [this deity] cared for me.

My Spouse and his father became estranged two years ago, the type of estrangement there’s no going back from (in support of my Beloved, I cut all contact with [this deity] as well.)  In August of 2018, we received word that [this deity] had passed away, which brought up a lot of mixed feelings for us all (especially the manner of his death, which was awful.)

I don’t know what to do with the yarn, but I know that making the poncho is out of the question.  I’m not sure if I’m even *ready* to use it, but I wanted to write this (and ask if anyone has ideas) while it was on my mind.

Other Ghosts

I recently bought The Awakening’s new album, Chasm, and the first song resonates eerily with my mental illness.  I don’t know if that’s what the song is meant to be *about,* but I’ve discovered that it’s comforting to hear music that makes me feel less alone.

There are other ghosts and voices 
Melodies and noises 
Beneath the dust 
Beneath our time 

There are other lies and secrets 
Foreign knives and tickets 
Behind these walls 
And ties that bind 

The turn of the days 
As the circus became your only life 

Oh the turn of the days 
And the whispered delays and all you denied 

And all I wanted 
Is all I need to survive 

There are other ghosts and people 
Jerrichos and steeples 
Will you and I belong? 

There are other lies and takers 
Borders and forsakers 
Will you and I belong? 

Oh with the light of these days 
Oh we fall and we break 
And we do not understand 

You’re as pure as the tears 
That you gave to the dreams 
That you could not understand 

And all I wanted 
Is all I need to survive 
To survive 
To survive 

There are other ghosts and voices 
Melodies and noises 
Beneath the dust 
Beneath our time

Faking

Today, I was asked if I was faking;
what motivation do I have to fake
a highly stigmatized disorder?

Making this up would be exhausting,
the voices and my awful memory,
no matter how often I said they’re

a part of me, I wasn’t believed.  This
supposedly isn’t DID, then what the fuck
is it?  The search for help begins all over again.

I’ve Got A Diagnosis

I now have a diagnosis of my mental health stuff: schizoid personality disorder, along with schizo-typical with depression.

I did set up another appointment with the doctor who did my testing, because I want to discuss it more with her, especially the symptoms I felt lined up with DID.

So, that’s what’s going on with me.  I don’t know if it’ll change what I write here, but I’ve always wanted to stay open about my mental health stuff to some degree.