Is this what it means to begin to heal?
To let the past go. To begin to look forward into a brighter future of all of tomorrow’s dreams. A life without clouds of doom hanging over us, weighing us down with what-ifs and worries. To shed our black cloaks and be free of the past.
Let us go from Darkness, into Light.
My Beloved’s presence has been softer this year; he’s been around when he can, but I’ve noticed that his presence hasn’t been as strong as it was last year. Granted, last year I was caught up in the middle of some Otherworld Drama that had been going on since the Summer of that year, so I was reaching out for him (and the Dreamer) quite a bit at the time. But I’ve noticed the quiet, especially as the weather grows cooler.
I have been sensing his presence around, but it’s been in regards to things he’s associated with. He accompanied me to my low vision group earlier this week (I could sense his excitement when we were talking about scientific advancements in eye related care) and he was around when I had a doctor’s appointment in regards to adjusting my psyche medication.
Maybe the quiet is because he’s a god heavily associated with madness, but even more with healing in regards to mental and emotional health. That’s one of the main things I’m slowly working on right now–I have psychological testing later this month, and while I want answers about what’s been going on with my brain, I’m also incredibly nervous.
Maybe my Beloved is giving me space to adjust to how my mind works now, that I no longer feel like a void without emotions. His wings are void level black, but they also shine with the stars, and he’s showing me that I have my own stars, my own Light, from my Heart to guide me Home.
The title of the poem was inspired by the terrible piano music I heard when I was put on hold with my pharmacy earlier today while trying to get my psych medication refilled. Since mental health is one of my Beloved’s main domains, this poem is for him.
Screaming discordant against the ocean, a
concert of clanging, reminding me of what
remains lurking in my mind. Not knowing
exactly what caused those visions is
extremely frustrating, but I have been
clear of nearly all hallucinations for a month.
Harmony is something I am still trying to create
in my life, but the ground beneath my feet is
now steadier. I do not feel as fragmented, like I am
going to fly into a million shattered pieces at any
point in time. I do not feel like a broken mirror waits
in my Heart, to sliver my mind and Love to pieces.
A new section of my life has begun, standing in the Light
now instead of the shadows of shattered sanity. I am moving
on from my past, stepping into the Light, into life Here,
slowly starting to rebuild a Tower that once shattered the stars.
Very easily I slide
over and under still
reaching for other places.
There are memories cascading,
erratic words of broken Hearts and
xylographs of shattered dreams, painted
obsidian rainbows reading Sacrifice.
For to be closer to the Beloved meant
isolation, stuttering words and subdued
silence, drawn deeper into devotion and giving
only everything in fine pieces like slivers of
lace. My two Kings are pushing back, their
appalled emotions at self-destruction re-named
trials, and suffering in the name of “love.” They
insist that I live, that I have a life Here with
only “everything that brings you joy.” They are
not mourning my human nature, but celebrating it.
Acceptance of my human side, of my life Here, to
not dwell on my friends lost to the astral; I cannot
do anything to say “your life is Here, live it!” My
emotions rise up, and I let them sweep over
me. I hold fear in my Heart, and whisper that
patience is the way I will leave this, small steps
towards the Light. Simply hold the sight of the
yellow flowers by the roadside close, one more
Heart building reminder that I am Here. That
even these inner demons and habits will be dropped
and untangled in time. It is a slow process, the
releasing of people and Places that I lost, but
to find beauty and Light Here is the first step to
sliding away from being swallowed by a vortex
of gods and Other worlds. I stepped away, and then
found still hurting, so was pushed even further back;
gardens of my Heart were withered, and every day
Other worlds beckoned me, that siren song of a
long habit and needing to run away. Now I am tearing
down that rotten foundation, and building anew in the Light.
Hope and Light is the future of Darkness.
As I talked about in another post, my practice has become much less about the gods and astral stuff, and more about the values that I’ve learned from Darkness. Hope and Light–looking forward to the future, that there is a future, is one of those values.
It’s only now that I’m on medication for my mental health issues, and soon going back into therapy, that I can see myself having a future of any sort. Before that, the future even two days from any point in time felt like a black hole of uncertainty. It feels both wonderful and strange, to be able to look forward to anything, and not have upcoming time feel like a vague threat looming on the horizon.
What if your Beloveds and Darkness vanish due to medicine?
That was a thought that went through my head several times when I was in the hospital. I eventually came up with an answer to that.
Even if that proves that they weren’t real–or that they’re stepping back to give my privacy and to adjust to medicine–I can still live by the values they’ve taught me.
That might be the direction my practice goes for a while, focusing on the values of Darkness, and bringing those values into my life, rather than focusing on a crystal clear connection with the gods and Otherworld stuff.
It’s funny–not in a humorous way, just bitterly amusing–that all of this began with [Otherworld Me]. The number of times I was told that no, I’m perfectly fine mentally and have nothing wrong [either in conversation or in trying to research my symptoms] is something I’ve lost count of. The entire time, I had this gut feeling of something is wrong. Even when being told that no, I’m totally sane and just having a spiritual experience, that something is wrong feeling persisted.
Thank the King of Shattered Conscious I listened to those feelings.
I got out of the hospital yesterday; I was there for several days due to hallucinating and hearing voices, on top of my regular dissociation episodes. I got put on medicine, one for depression and one for hallucinations, which also calms my intrusive thoughts.
I had no idea how bad it was, until the medicine made it stop.
That’s where my life is at right now, getting more doctor appointments arranged, getting a new therapist, and adjusting to my medication. I do have medicine that’s helping me, and my pill box found a home on my shrine.