Writing this down for myself, and having it down in public might be a way to hold myself accountable.
- Get a job, and keep it
- Keep going to therapy
- Accept that having DID impacts my life
- Stop buying cheap ebooks and video games
- Finish my knitting projects before starting new ones
- Get back into playing guitar regularly, not just when I have a lesson
Well, that was…a year.
That’s my first thought about 2019, to be honest. Looking back at my journal, a lot really did happen:
- I became a father to two wonderful astral children
- I got a job (then lost it two months later)
- There was a shitstorm of a breakup with my platonic Otherworld partner
- I lost one of my best friends
- I got accused of faking DID by my ex-therapist, I promptly dumped him, and got my current therapist, who absolutely rocks
- Trauma memories began to resurface
- I think at least three new alters did the “HEY WE’RE OVER HERE” dissociative introduction thing that’s so fun /sarcasm
- I began to formally work with the Queen of Darkness, which has been an immensely healing thing for me
So looking at that list above, a lot of stuff did happen. For some reason, it just doesn’t feel like a lot happened?
I don’t do much in the way of New Year’s resolutions, if I do come up with any I’ll write about them in another post. Now I’m going back to knitting and trying to recover from whatever plague I caught over Christmas.
This is one of Varian’s alters typing this. I’m assuming he’s written about his Dissociative Identity Disorder on here? Looking at the categories, he has, okay then.
V hasn’t been around much these days–it’s me and S sharing hosting duties, and V has been spending more and more time away from the front lately. It’s been V writing the posts on his blogs, by the way–he’ll front long enough to write something, then go back to the headspace again.
I know he’s got a project going on his blog for “Mother Death” (as he calls her) but that’s probably going to be on hiatus until he comes back. As far as I know the other one he was going to do here on WP has been cancelled due to lack of spoons, and, well, him being gone.
He’s still around in the headspace, by the way. He did try to leave, but the High King (I think?) turned him back and told him that he *has* to live on Earth. So he *is* okay, just not in front right now.
I wanted to write a post so his friends know what’s going on, and because his friends would have some idea of what it is I’m talking about.
–A, protector of the system
I tried to leave this life and world behind.
I tried to slip out of the doorway
of this life, since someone else had
taken over, and found myself in Darkness.
“Go back” where the words that met
my ears, “you need to live, on Earth.”
I am angry, Beloved, that you turned me away,
and I am remorseful, that I tried to leave, and
you are correct, in the question you asked me:
What is it about your life you hate so much?
I go from shock, to grief, to anger; it is not
one thing that makes me hate this world and life;
the pain lies in being taught to hate it from childhood.
“Here’s your new meds,”
but you didn’t tell me
how much it costs, or
that there’s a long list of side effects
and these are including death.
I’m not schizophrenic, so
why are you still putting me
on anti psychotics?
New medication starts this evening,
please gods I hope I don’t have
any nasty side effects.
I know I’ve been really quiet on both my blogs, mainly because there’s not much to write about right now.
I’m starting to suspect that not only do I go into my annual fallow time in Summer, my depression also gets worse–I’m not saying that my depression and fallow time are connected, because they’re not. My fallow time starts in mid-to-late May, and it’s in June that my brain decides to hate me. The depression lingers around even after Darkness’s New Years, so I know the two aren’t connected.
I’ve also had some eye related health issues to take care of (thank the Blind King I got an appointment as fast as I did.) The ointment I used to treat it made everything blurry, so I haven’t spent as much time online. My eye doctor says that everything’s cleared up, so I’m good to go. Hopefully I can get some new glasses at my upcoming appointment, because I’ve had my old ones for years now.
Spiritual life wise, things are quiet. I’ve gotten a new tarot deck that only wants to be used during non-fallow times, so I’ll be writing about it later on. I got a set of heart-shaped runes, and those are going to be my personal set, rather than being for deity or Darkness related readings.