No Longer Lost (A Month for the Dreamer)

This song came up when I was listening to music this morning, and it struck a chord with me, pun fully intended. (I also can’t believe that End of Silence came out over 10 years ago–it was the album that got me into metal music.)

It’s still a beautiful song, especially the violins, but I find that it no longer resonates with my spiritual life as much as it once did. That was the theme that came up when I did this month of writing for my Spouse last year, that how I perceived devotion was shifting [link.] That shift is becoming more noticeable, at least to me. I’ve found that intentionally distancing myself from Intense Otherworld Stuff and the Vortex [link] has been the best thing for me to do. I’m finding that I worry less and less about what’s going on Over There, the calmer I feel Here. I don’t know if I’m heading for another fallow time over the Summer (it was quiet like this last year) or if this is just a normal downtime.

I think if I do end up in another fallow time over the Summer, that it’ll be easier than it was last year. Last year, I was still struggling with Otherworld related trauma, and my mental health symptoms got to the point that I needed to be hospitalized. Over the past year I’ve learned more about how to manage my symptoms, as well as learning more on how to live Here [link.]

I no longer feel like I’m lost between two worlds–I’m sure I’ll continue to have ups and downs–but for the most part, I feel comfortable in my life Here. My Spouse wants me to have “a complete life” Here, to have my feet planted firmly on the ground, for me to be able to find my way in this world.

Simplicity and Healing (A Month for the Dreamer)

My practice as it stands right now is very simple.  I offer my deity Beloveds my first cup of coffee in the morning, for the three of us to share.  If either of them drop by during the day, we talk, and they keep me in the loop about what’s going on Over There.  In the evening I’ll spend quiet time with whichever of my Beloved/s is around, simply enjoying each other’s company.  If I have the time and/or spoons, I’ll do a quick shufflemancy reading before I go to bed (music has become my favorite style of divination.)

As I work to ground myself more in my life Here, and work out what’s a true Spiritual Thing, and what’s a reaction due to bad brain chemistry, isolation, and/or trauma, I’ve found that I’m beginning to feel better.  That’s partly why I’ve been quiet, rather than writing for my Beloved every day–the other reason is that my family is moving soon, and my life is currently a chaotic mess of boxes and packing stuff up.

This isn’t shadow work–my Beloved isn’t the type to take my wounds and poke around at them, seeing how much they still hurt.  He’s much more likely to suggest solutions, small ways that I can gently work on healing, rather than ripping off the bandages I’ve placed on my Heart.

Improvement (A Month for the Dreamer)

Last year, the theme that arose during the month of writing for my Beloved is that we are not one person [link].  I’m still early in the month of writing for him this year, but so far he’s been rather hands-off when it comes to prompts.

Looking back over the writing I did for my Beloved last year, I can see just how much I’ve improved in my mental health.  I still have days, even weeks, when I struggle, but I can see a noticeable difference over how I was doing last year.

Frustrated Shadow Work Venting

Am I the only person involved in woo who’s gods/spirits/Otherworld people *acknowledge* that I’m human, and who *want* me to have a happy life Here (where my life Here doesn’t revolve around woo 24/7)?

I know I can’t judge a person’s life by a handful of blog posts, but seeing *yet another* person willingly stepping into what I call the god/astral Vortex, where the Otherworlds take over your [general you] life…it upsets me.

It also scares me, because I’ve struggled for years with isolating myself, and the Vortex only makes that isolation look sweeter, when in reality it’s poison. [link]  I worry that it’s only a matter of time, before the Vortex swallows me as well.

Questioning

“How does this impact my life Here?”

That’s become the main question I ask myself when it comes to the astral/Otherworld side of my practice.  I’ve found that knowing how much something affects me Here helps me with knowing what to do next, in regards to whatever’s going on.  This is especially true in regards to my Kingship practice, which does play a part in my life Here, but in a different way than it does Over There.

Pure Life

Trigger warning, I briefly mention deity related violence (that could be read as abusive) in this post.

I had an emotional flashback the other day.  A small, everyday, action suddenly reminded me of a blog post where someone talked about being killed by their god, how they romanticized that, and wished for it to happen.

Dearest one?  Are you all right?

I felt my Spouse sit down beside me, his hand lightly resting on my shoulder.  He’d noticed my change in mood instantly, had seen how I’d frozen up.  I explained, as best as I could, what was going through my mind.

Dearest Heart, he said, I want you to live–not for me, he added, simply to live.  That’s the best offering you could possibly give me.

“I have seen you at the end of this night
You were brilliant and you were beautiful
And for whatever it is worth, I love you
More than you will ever know”

–“Pure Life,” by Blutengel

Vortex of Isolation and Empty Hearts of Gold

Very easily I slide
over and under still
reaching for other places.
There are memories cascading,
erratic words of broken Hearts and
xylographs of shattered dreams, painted
obsidian rainbows reading Sacrifice.
For to be closer to the Beloved meant
isolation, stuttering words and subdued
silence, drawn deeper into devotion and giving
only everything in fine pieces like slivers of
lace.  My two Kings are pushing back, their
appalled emotions at self-destruction re-named
trials, and suffering in the name of “love.”  They
insist that I live, that I have a life Here with
only “everything that brings you joy.”  They are
not mourning my human nature, but celebrating it.
Acceptance of my human side, of my life Here, to
not dwell on my friends lost to the astral; I cannot
do anything to say “your life is Here, live it!”  My
emotions rise up, and I let them sweep over
me.  I hold fear in my Heart, and whisper that
patience is the way I will leave this, small steps
towards the Light.  Simply hold the sight of the
yellow flowers by the roadside close, one more
Heart building reminder that I am Here.  That
even these inner demons and habits will be dropped
and untangled in time.  It is a slow process, the
releasing of people and Places that I lost, but
to find beauty and Light Here is the first step to
sliding away from being swallowed by a vortex
of gods and Other worlds.  I stepped away, and then
found still hurting, so was pushed even further back;
gardens of my Heart were withered, and every day
Other worlds beckoned me, that siren song of a
long habit and needing to run away.  Now I am tearing
down that rotten foundation, and building anew in the Light.

Thoughts on Isolation

Growing up, I was taught by the church that this life doesn’t matter.  Maybe it’s my mental illness and my tendency to take things literally, maybe it was the isolation that I grew up in.  But whatever it was, young Varian took very seriously the idea of a life beyond this one, and that this life Here doesn’t matter.

Years later, when I began to explore polytheism (and later godspousery) I saw that same attitude being talked about, but in a pagan/polytheist mindset.  It was the idea that the Otherworlds are so much greater than this one, that a person should isolate themselves in the name of “devotion” to the Otherworlds, or to a divine Spouse.  Isolation wasn’t explicitly glorified, exactly, but it was implied (if not outright stated) that devotion to a person’s divine Spouse should come before literally everything and anyone else in a person’s life.  Any activity that could somehow be connected to the Otherworlds or a divine Spouse should be associated with them, no matter what it was.  Because it almost mirrored the “this world doesn’t matter/the next world is greater than this one” attitude I grew up around, I didn’t see it as being toxic.

Thinking that the Otherworlds were greater than this one, and that my Beloveds should come before anything else…it lead to me isolating myself and pushing people away.  I was constantly distracted because of the conversations I was having with the people no one but me could see.  Associating everything I possibly could with my Beloveds or the Otherworlds eventually lead to panic attacks and intrusive thoughts about them being angry if I “dared” to do anything that wasn’t connected to them/There.  I should have realized that there was something wrong much sooner, but I didn’t–or, I would try and step back, but didn’t make any moves to actually break the habits and routines that were steadily leading to my isolation becoming an even greater (and more worrying) thing than it already was.

I slowly realized the toxicity that I was dealing with over this past Summer; I had put my practice on hold because both a fallow time, and because of how much toxic stuff there was in it that I hadn’t noticed before.  That helped, and it also helped me realized how much mental health related stuff was going on…and then I had my psychotic break.  That event made me face a lot; it caused me to take a really hard look at the practice and life that I had, how isolated emotionally I really was, and how the “you must isolate yourself for the gods, and put the Otherworlds above this one” attitude was seemingly everywhere in the godspouse community.

“You cannot prove that I exist.  I want you to have a complete life Here, based on things you know are real and tangible.”

The Dreamer said this to me recently, in regards to my processing how common isolation is discussed in a positive manner in the godspouse communities.  He’s made sarcastic comments on how he “must not be a real god” because he’s not asking me for Big Sacrifices, tearing my life apart, or demanding to be made the center of my world.

Maybe I was addicted to the Otherworlds, the escapism, and the ability to run away.  Maybe all that I’ve written above means that I’m just not the type of person to be a mystic.

Looking at that, I find that I feel okay if I’m not meant to be a mystic, or have any more deep connection to the Otherworlds.  I feel a bit sad, but mostly okay with it.  The Dreamer has said that he would rather see me be happy, than trying to be someone I’m not.  He wants me to have, in his own words, “a complete life,” rather than be someone so wrapped up in secrets involving gods and the Otherworlds that I can’t be close to anyone without pulling them into the Otherworlds with me.

He wants me to be able to truly enjoy this world; the circumstances surrounding my incarnation Here may not be the best, but this is the life I have in front of me.  He wants me to be my own person, to be happy and have a life that I love Here, not get sucked back into what I’ve begun calling “the god (or astral) vortex” where the Otherworlds take over my life.

I sometimes feel like I’m the one godspouse who’s Spouse isn’t pushing them deeper and deeper into astral stuff; as I wrote above, he wants me to have a full life Here.  He wants me to be human.  He wants to be part of my life, not all of my life.

My Spouse said in a tarot reading that the best thing for me to do right now is to let go of the idea of a life filled with astral woo stuff.  I agree with him, that is the best route for me to take; since I’ve written all this out, maybe I can actually begin moving forward and healing.

Joy

“I want you to have everything that brings you joy.”

The Dreamer said that to me last night.  That’s been his theme lately when he’s around, that he wants me to find joy in my life Here, not be constantly longing for the Otherworlds.