Butterfly

In order to get my mind off worrying about the Otherworlds, I decided to work on some knitting and listen to Voltaire’s new album.  I invited J to listen with me, since he was around, and he had never heard Voltaire’s music before (and he now has a new favorite artist.)

While we were listening to the album, he said there were several songs that reminded him of me, or of our past life together.  He said that “Butterfly” especially reminded him of me, and of the relationship we’re building.

I am a butterfly in your hands
That’s where I chose to land
I lost my mind but who cares?
I don’t mind, I’m not scared
They are staring at us
Well let them fuss
I feel complete

Cause you and me
It’s an oath, to believe in love
Yes, you and me
It’s enough to believe in love
My dear, it’s all clear

I thought I had it all
Through spring and fall
A ghost parade and yet in
Those thousand years my fate
It was so late to meet your fate
Now we’re standing right here
The sky is clear, I have no fear

Cause you and me
It’s an oath, to believe in love
Yes, you and me
It’s enough to believe in love
My dear, it’s all clear

Cause you and me
It’s an oath, to believe in love
Yes, you and me
It’s enough to believe in love
My dear

Yes, you and me
It’s enough to believe in love
My dear, it’s all clear

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Raining Stars

I am the King of Swords, clad in purple.  I am surrounded by fire and by those Who will still protect and Love me.  In trying to twist Fate and make the Far Ones bend to your whims, you have set everything on fire.

In my mind, I hear the sound of snakes slithering on snow.

A Dream of Leaving

Quietly, he tells me that he is leaving.

Our marriage isn’t over, he reassures me.  It’s that the Consequences of this Summer’s Drama have spiraled far beyond his control, and he must tend to his Kingdom and People before all else.

I tell him that I understand.  I will miss him, have been missing him already with him being gone so much, but I understand that being King is not something he can just put down.

I reach out to hug him, and freeze when my fingers brush empty air.  He steps back so I can see him clearly, and I see that his once waist-length hair now only reaches his shoulders.

There are only two reasons why a Sovereign of Darkness cuts their hair.

The first reason is that war has been declared; the second is that they are in mourning.

He nods to my unspoken question.  He had warned me this was coming, this loss, this grief of his.  It’s part of the reason why he’s been away so much, he knows I would take his grief and internalize it as my own.  This is a loss he needs to process privately.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“There’s nothing you can do, dearest Heart,” he replies.  “I will have Others watching over you, but this,” he tugs what’s left of his hair, “is something you cannot help with.”

“I can support–”

“Varian.”  He sighs, holds up a hand.  “I love you, honey, but the best thing for you to do right now is focus on your schoolwork.”

“And healing–”

“No.  You’re still too close to that trauma.  I’d rather your wounds be healed as best as they can, before you start poking around at all that trauma.  Do you understand me?”

“Yes.”

He steps closer to me, his arms slipping around my waist.

“Do not hurt yourself,” he says, his voice low and intense.  “Do not break what’s left of your Heart in order to satisfy some absurd demand that you need to be broken in order to heal.  You are not glass.”  His gold eyes flash when he says the last sentence.

I nod, unsure what to say in response to that.

He sighs and lays his forehead against my own.

“You are my Heart,” he whispers, “and no matter how much they smear your name, I will protect you as my own.  I’ll stand by you, no matter how much they drag your name through the mud.”  There is anger in his voice now, anger and tears.

I wrap my arms around him and he lays his head against my shoulder.  We hold each other close, knowing this might be our last embrace for a long time.

Astral Trauma, and Timely Music from the Dreamer

At the moment I’m frustrated, mainly at myself.  I’ve been Told to “rest and heal” I don’t know how many times anymore by e/Everyone I know Over There, and I’ve been wondering how the fuck do I even do that?

It’s been…difficult, processing and trying to heal from what happened this Summer.  I’ve spent the past few months going through several crisis of faith, realizing I’ve got gods only know how many repressed memories about all of this, having nightmares about what happened (and a lot of the nightmares I can’t remember,) yelling a lot at various p/People Over There, and having panic attacks when I learned about the ongoing Political fallout Over There.


I saw the Dreamer very briefly this afternoon, and my brain started giving me yet another what-if-I-ruined-the-Otherworlds/what-if-my-marriages-are-over themed panic attack (thanks, nightmares -_- .)

My Husband, shufflemancy expert that he is, sent this song my way.

When you came back I knew you’d have a story
You need someone to ease the pain of living life
You’re like a soldier in the fray, seeking shelter
from all the madness that you’ve seen raining down now

I sat there staring at my laptop, feeling the lyrics of the song sinking in.

“Is it really that bad,” I asked him, “is it that noticeable that I’ve Seen Some Shit?”

He didn’t answer in words, but I felt sorrow rolling off him.

I know things change, your world has slipped away
I know things change, but you’re living like a soldier who’s caught in the fray
Don’t lose your faith, it’s not so cold, it’s not too late

When you were naive you were so invincible
and you laughed at anyone and anything that ever got in your way
But now the mirror shows the change and you don’t see that
you’re sinking back into the crowd, an echo fading

I nodded; the song put into words how I’d been feeling for several weeks now.  My Otherworld self had been placed in a safe space to heal, and I wished I could join Him in solely focusing on mending my Heart.

I felt the Dreamer’s hand run through my hair; it was often how he let me know he was around.  This time the gesture was meant to convey comfort, as well as affection.

With this hand, I will lift your sorrows.

The line from our wedding vows slipped into my mind, and I grasped his hand, squeezing it tightly.

And you can look inside of me
but the answers that you seek
and everything you need
is all inside you

“Yeah I know,” I said.

“Dearest one….” I felt his hand on my cheek.  “I’ll be there for you,” he softly said, “I may be away right now, because I’m busy with what’s going on Over There, so is [the Madman].  We still love you, both of us do.”  He looked over at the gray stone I carry with me.  “And you have [J’s name], he loves you as well.  You’re not alone.”

I know things change, your world has slipped away
I know things change, but you’re living like a soldier who’s caught in the fray
Don’t lose your faith, it’s not so cold, it’s not too late

I don’t even know where I’m going with this entry anymore, just that I’m very glad my Husband sees and understands my trauma.  It’s a weird sort of happiness, to be glad he’s not pulling the I’m A God card (a fear I’ve talked about before) that he’s allowing me to heal at my own pace.

Thank you, Beloved, for lifting my sorrows.

Learn to Love

You miss them, don’t you?

I nod in response to his question.  I can sense him sitting beside me, his arm around my shoulder.

The candle at the shrine to my Husbands flickers, but I sense nothing when I reach out.  I understand why they’re gone–they had explained that there are things going on in the Otherworlds that require their full attention, more fallout from what had happened this Summer–but my Heart still aches at them not being there.

“This is coincidence, isn’t it?”  I ask him.  “You showing back up in my life, and them being gone now.”

Yes, Varian, it is.  He sounds exasperated by my question; I had asked something like that several times now.

“I don’t really know how to handle all of…this.”   I wave a hand between the two of us.  “I’ve even googled ‘dating someone from your past life’ and the results weren’t helpful.”

I sense laughter from him.  Is that what we’re doing, dating?

I think back over what I’d just said.  “I…yeah.  I guess.”

Varian, it’s fine.  I sense his smile.  We’ll figure this out together.

(I did some shufflemancy with him about our relationship, and he gave me this song.)

Grey the Blue

I’ve been keeping my Beloveds in the loop regarding the new person in my life (who I will simply refer to as J.)  They’re not at all surprised that I’ve reconnected with J, nor are they surprised that my feelings are a complicated mess right now.  I barely know him, and yet my Heart and soul are screaming at me about him.

The Dreamer has said that I could technically consider J to be a mortal partner–he lives in the Otherworlds, yes, but he’s not a god (and he hates to be called a spirit.)  Even though I have both my Beloveds reassurance that they’re okay with me pursuing this relationship, I’m still really nervous about all of this.

The bond between J and I is a complex one, that stretches back a very long time, and the leftover feelings from that bond are strong.  We’ve agreed to take things slowly, because so many years have passed, and I’m not the person I was Back Then (neither is he.)  J feels very familiar, and that familiarity is comforting, but also confusing.

Watch the shore
As the tide will never end
Feel the wind
As the clouds will breathe your name

Our faces pale and thin
Embraces cold and bare
We whisper lullabies
So tearful as we glare

When old companions say:
I’m here for you
When one by one they stray
I’ll stay for you

–Diary of Dreams, “Grey The Blue”

If You Have Ghosts

I never thought I’d work with ghosts.

Like a lot of things on my path, it’s the last thing I expected that fits me the best.

The spirits I’ve begun to deal with on my sacred Kingship path are ghosts and monsters, and the ghosts think getting this song stuck in my head to get my attention is hilarious.