On (Not) Being Broken

He [the Madman) showed me a vision involving pottery, in order to explain this [his hatred of gods breaking people, especially for the “greater good] better.

“There’s a difference,” he said to me, “between taking a pot and adding more clay, to fill in the cracks, and a bit of glaze, so it blends in and is smoothed out….” He gently set the first pot aside.

He suddenly grabbed the second pot and hurled it down on the floor, and the sound of the clay shattering made me jump.

“And taking something so you can break it,“ he said, “fill the cracks in with gold, and claim that you made it better, because look there, those golden scars are yours.”

–Varian’s journal log, July 16, 2017


Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching, especially with the progress that I’m making in therapy. Some of that soul-searching involves going over the toxic ideas that I once had about devotion, and that’s especially true about the idea of being “broken” by the gods.

The Madman despises that idea–I did an entire month of devotional writing with him, and one theme kept coming up over, and over, and over again. That theme being of how he does not want to break me.

“He would leave before he ever broke me,” I wrote in a poem, “I know this the way I know he loves roses.”


I’ve mentioned before, that the Madman and the Dreamer are each other’s reflection; they work together so incredibly well because they’re complete opposites, not in spite of it. Their relationship is complicated; they’re best friends, lovers, and sometimes enemies as well. I joke that their relationship is what would happen if the hero and villain of the story fell in love, but that’s more the truth than it is a joke.

The Madman sometimes uses the term “villain” to describe himself, it’s a shorthand way of explaining a more complex idea. I knew about the role itself, he’d explained it to me through serious conversations, sarcastic comments, and that some of the music he requested on his playlist had a consistent villain/antagonist theme to it.

Lately–when I’ve seen him, which isn’t often right now–I’ve been seeing him in more of a Sacred Villain/Divine Antagonist role. I knew he played this role with the Dreamer, and it folds into them both as [High Power Deities] but it took a few very blunt questions from him, to realize he was putting that Hat on with me as well.

“Where did it come from,” he asked me one day, “the idea that the love of a god is a savage, dark thing?”

Slowly, he’s been helping me pick apart my old ideas about devotion, taking my internalized toxic ideas and breaking them down piece by piece. Where did they come from? What purpose did they serve? Did they help me at all, or only cause pain?


I’ve found that this is not only helping me with figuring out what devotion means to me, but it’s also helping my mental health as well. In learning about, and working my way through, toxic ideas of what devotion to (and Love for) a deity means, I’ve found that not only is my practice beginning to stabilize, but that my anxiety has gone down as well.

Thank you, Beloved, for all your help, support, and Love. ❤

Advertisements

Negotiations Are Starting

I did some divination yesterday, and it made clear that it would be best if I bi-located during the handfasting ceremony, rather than it being only in the Otherworld.  My ability to remember astral travel is shaky at the best of times, so we’ve agreed that for something as important as our handfasting, it’s best that I bi-locate.

The divination also backed up previous readings stating that this handfasting is going to be a rather public ceremony, instead of a private elopement (which is what I did when I married the Dreamer and the Madman–we had been married in my past life, so it was more like a vow renewal ceremony than anything else.)

Now the negotiations are starting.

I had discussed mortal partners with the Dreamer and the Madman before.  We’d all agreed that if I ever met someone I wanted to have a relationship with, that they would be okay with me seeing someone else–and they are genuinely happy for J and I.  Neither of them wants me to be alone (especially with them both having Jobs that could lead to them being gone for long amounts of time) and my growing relationship with J is helping me stay grounded.

The first round of negotiations has been completed (out of four) and the next ones will happen between now and April.  We agreed to start now because we both know that the handfasting date will be here before we know it, so it’s best to work on negotiations at a pace where we don’t have to rush.

Bullet Points Are Easier

Updates, in bullet point format.

  • The Dreamer and the Madman have been away for over a month now, and it’s been…an adjustment.
    • I’ve interacted with them briefly during that time, but our conversations have been short and they can’t be around much.
    • I miss them both, but I also understand why they’re gone [which is personal to them, so I won’t say any more.]
    • I’m beginning to really understand why they’ve pushed independence so much over the time I’ve known them.
  • I recently learned (thanks to one of my Allies) that in my practice sharing drinks with someone is a potentially very intimate thing.
    • I didn’t notice it until [this Deity] pointed out that I only offered drinks to my Beloveds.
    • I’m unsure if this is me-as-a-person thing, or if this is a Darkness related thing.
  • My practice Here is (mostly) at a standstill again.
    • I’ve found that I’m okay with that.
  • J and I now have a date for our handfasting (April 7) as well as an officiant.
    • The next thing to work on will be our vows.
    • We also need to figure out just *how* public this ceremony will be.
    • We’ll also work out if this will be only in the astral, or will I be bi-locating and with the two ceremonies (one Here, one Over There) taking place simultaneously.

Engagement Reading

So J and I have been talking about doing a handfasting type of ceremony sometime in the Spring.  The handfasting would make our relationship “official,” as well as help some diplomacy related things relevant to Over There.  It’s also traditional in Darkness for a couple to do a handfasting as a way of being engaged for a year (or more) before taking any more permanent vows.

The subject of our pending engagement (we’re not considered “officially” engaged until we do the ceremony) came up again this morning over tea, so we did a reading about it together.  (My godphone has been having fantastically shitty reception lately, so J decided that tarot was the way to go.)

(Under the cut because this reading is nearly 800 words.)

Read More »

Notes For Myself on My Practice

For a while now, I’ve been feeling like my practice (what practice I have right now) is missing something.  I realized last night that it’s not more formality I want in my practice, but more structure.

Now, how I build structure around a group of gods with no written mythology, I’m at a loss.  I have things I associate with them, and there are…spiritual paths that are specific to Darkness (religions Over There,) but I don’t feel comfortable using what little I know of those within my own practice.

I could ask J if he has any ideas, but he’s a monk [he’s been sending me that symbolism since he got back into my life] and that’s…a very different, more intense level of devotion than I deal with.  I mean, he, of anyone, will have ideas, so I probably will end up asking him about stuff.

And there’s the Thing that my gods Do Not Want To Be Worshiped because they’re my Family before anything else, so how to add more structure with that restriction is something I’ll need to do divination on.

I think adding more structure will also maybe help with the you-must-always-be-doing-Otherworld-stuff-or-you’re-A-Bad-Devotee brain crap I’ve been struggling with lately.  J said to me the other day that a practice doesn’t have to be devotional to a deity, it could be about grounding myself and my practice Here, which sounds like something I need right now.

We Are Not Star-Crossed

Once you were the King’s servant, and
once I was the King’s son, and we
have chosen again to tangle our paths
and our Hearts together.  Only this time

we are not battling so-called Fate, and your
devotion calls you to me as easily as your
sacred Mysteries hold your Heart as well.

We could call this affair star-crossed,
except that this path of Love does not
require us to choose between the silent
woods and songs uplifted in devotion.

New Decks

I got two new decks yesterday, the Angelarium Oracle and the Spirit Speak tarot deck.

J asked if he could have the tarot deck, since he liked the simple design, and he wanted one that was exclusively his.  I said sure, and it’s next to his prayer beads on my dresser now (since J is not a god or spirit, he doesn’t have a shrine; I don’t pray to him, the beads are more like a touchstone for us to stay connected.)

The Angelarium is going to be…interesting.

The moment I held the Angelarium deck in my hands, I felt my hands tingling very strongly and energy surrounding me.

I knew exactly Who wanted that one, and this really surprised me, because the Far Ones hadn’t put any sort of claim on the Silhouette tarot (the deck I use to communicate with the gods and people of Darkness.)  But They really wanted this oracle deck to be used to communicate with Them, to the point that They had me find a box to hold both decks together–I got the impression that the box was also to help cut off the nearly overwhelmig energy I got from the oracle deck.

Then I saw that the box They’d picked was star themed, which led to a lot of “are You kidding me” comments under my breath as I rearranged the shrine.

I haven’t done any successful readings with the Angelarium deck yet, but I plan on trying to do an interview spread with it soon (probably using the Silhouette tarot to help me with the interview, because I have no idea how to read the Angelarium cards.)

Even if the Angelarium ends up being difficult to read, the art is amazing, so I think I’ll still like it even if I can’t read with it.

I did try and do a reading with the Angelarium, and…instead of answering my question, the Far Ones pointed me to a pop culture character who is very similar to J.  That was…a strange experience, having the Big Powers start referencing a specific character from a fantasy series in order to confirm my discernment about my Otherworld boyfriend.

What is my life.