Signs in Video Games

My Beloved has taken to using video games as a way to let me know that he’s there for me.  It makes me laugh, and also reminds me of what a modern god he is.

My mental health symptoms are starting to flare up again, and when that happens my godphone shuts down.  The Dreamer is aware of this, so he’s started using more casual signs to let me know he’s there for me.

I was lost in an underwater cave, but the flowers were pretty.

As the caption on my screenshot says, I was lost in an underwater cave, and couldn’t find my way out.  I then ducked beneath the water, and realized that I could see the moon.  I know this is programmed into the game, but it still made me think of my Beloved, and reminded me that he’s watching out for me even when he’s away.

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Nine Ways to Describe Devotion

I. Morning Coffee

I quietly offer you my coffee in the morning, even if you’re already away on business.  This offering has become my equivalent of a “good morning” text to you, and I know it makes you smile.

II. Music

I listen to our favorite bands–not just because they remind me of you, but because their music is awesome.  It still makes me laugh that you love Good Charlotte as much as you love Belle Morte.  I would have never though you’d be into pop punk; even after five years of marriage, you still surprise me.

III. Beauty

I think of you every time I see flowers; all flowers these days, not just white flowers.  They remind me to see the beauty in my life Here, to find joy in sunshine, and laughter in the wind.

IV. Rain

I sense you in the gentle rain, rather than in the storms.  This is you as a cosmic god, as a force of nature; but even in this form, you are gentle.  You are the rain that washes away my sorrow.

V. Freedom

Five years ago, in the beginning of this marriage, you promised me that I would always be free–even free to walk away, if need be.  You have upheld that promise, made it clear that my autonomy and personal freedom mean the world to you.

VI. The Full Moon

You are the Light in Darkness, the King who guides his Kingdom always with grace and love.  I can’t believe it took me years to realize the full moon being your symbol was a play on words–literal light in darkness, pardon me while I facepalm at your love of puns.

VII. Inside Jokes

This is one of my favorite things about our marriage, the inside jokes that only we get.  I know you’re helping me write when subtle puns start showing up.  You like taking control of my music while I write, thanks for providing plot ideas through shufflemancy.

VIII. Gentleness

You’ve been nothing but gentle with my mind and Heart.  Even when I had an emotional flashback while making breakfast this morning, you simple sat with me and reminded me to breathe, to ground myself in my reality Here.  You’ve never once spoken of breaking me, or of needing to see your harsh side before I can accept your Love.

IX. Anniversary

Today is our five year anniversary, and I can sense you smiling as you paint whatever your gift for me is going to be.  I love you more than words can say, happy anniversary, Beloved.

Pure Life

Trigger warning, I briefly mention deity related violence (that could be read as abusive) in this post.

I had an emotional flashback the other day.  A small, everyday, action suddenly reminded me of a blog post where someone talked about being killed by their god, how they romanticized that, and wished for it to happen.

Dearest one?  Are you all right?

I felt my Spouse sit down beside me, his hand lightly resting on my shoulder.  He’d noticed my change in mood instantly, had seen how I’d frozen up.  I explained, as best as I could, what was going through my mind.

Dearest Heart, he said, I want you to live–not for me, he added, simply to live.  That’s the best offering you could possibly give me.

“I have seen you at the end of this night
You were brilliant and you were beautiful
And for whatever it is worth, I love you
More than you will ever know”

–“Pure Life,” by Blutengel

Scars on Display

I broke a coffee mug this morning; I was clumsy when getting a plate out of the cabinet, the cup fell out when I bumped the plate beside it, and it broke when it hit the floor.  As I was helping my aunt clean it up, I found myself thinking of the art of kintsugi, repairing broken objects (often ceramics) with gold.

The Madman despises how this art form is often used as a “see how you survived abuse” metaphor.  He’s talked about how it’s much easier to treat a broken piece of pottery with gentle hands, being kind to it, and allowing the scars to fade away; instead of breaking it to form golden scars that are on display for all to see.

Destruction (A Month for the Madman)

He first appeared to me as the Destroyer, a deity who ruled over the Underworld with a Throne of Iron.  He holds that Throne with his head held high in the gloom, in Halls that resonate with both song and silence.

My Beloved is a god of both creation and destruction; as his own Beloved creates, he destroys what once was, placing it firmly in the Past.  His fire is both comforting fire of the Hearth, and the destructive fire of Justice.

He is both gentleness and villainy, and for both extremes, I adore him.

Anniversary (A Month for the Madman)

Through this past year, you have been my stability, my rock to stand on, my soft place to land.  You have been my guiding hand through blindness, through a fallow time when I felt my sanity slipping away, and you’ve held me close as I’ve come out the other side.  You’ve reminded me that you love me–all of me–and that you are always within my Heart.

Happy anniversary, Beloved, I love you. ❤

Fated (A Month for the Madman)

You stand against giving everything–maybe it’s because you’ve seen those who have been broken by their gods unto the point of death, maybe it’s that the Villain needs something to stand against.

So why not be the man rumored to have a Heart of stone, who in fact Loves so deeply and fiercely that he would walk the road of Fate, so that his Beloved could be free.