Within the last two years, I’ve taken up dyeing my hair black as an act of devotion to Darkness as a whole. This is not only because it looks pretty, but also as a way of stating “this is where my loyalties lie.” It also helps that I prefer a casual romantic goth type look over any other aesthetic (much to the Madman’s delight.)
Recently I’ve begun to grow my hair out–I still live in a conservative state, and am still closeted in much of my day-to-day life. I decided to grow my hair out in order to “pass” as more feminine at places like job interviews, since I was beginning to worry that my more masculine haircut would mark me as queer right away. Being visibly disabled is a hard enough hurdle to pass over when job interviewing, being visibly queer in a conservative state was becoming something I just didn’t want to have to deal with.
This isn’t the first time I’ve done something with my hair related to devotion. Several years ago, before I knew I was trans, I covered my hair. The Dreamer initially asked it of me because he thought it would make me happy, and at the time I was in an abusive living arrangement, so the head covering would help ground and shield me as well. Eventually, he asked me to stop veiling, because it was no longer helping me (and I later moved out of that house, so the grounding and shielding were no longer needed to such an extent.)
My hair right now is at the point where I need headbands or combs in order to keep it out of my eyes. The Madman has suggested that I style my hair in public, eventually braiding or pulling it back as it gets longer, and keeping it down in private. I really like that idea, and I’ve found it to be comforting.
I actually prefer a more feminine look, which is frustrating when how I want to look, and my gender identity, are often seen as the exact opposite. While I want to transition and live as male full time, I’m also not in a rush to be see as extremely masculine. I feel conflicted about going partly back into the closet (still out to friends, closeted to family and work) because I enjoy some feminine style clothing and jewelry, but despise being referred to as a woman, or with “she/her” pronouns. I know that my safety and ability to have a job comes first, but it’s still really frustrating to have to go back into the closet, when I felt like I was making progress in my gender expression and feeling comfortable in it.
I love you through everything. Lay your head against my Heart, and know that I will love you through all storms.
–for the Madman
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You are there
in the quiet moments
of my life, my beloved.
You remind me
to find joy in the
smallest of actions.
In the sunlight
dancing off your smile
and your songs in my Heart.
–for my husband, Jake. A gift for him, for finally getting his latest music project complete.
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A meme-tastic “thank you” to my Husband, for helping me find the amazing therapist I have now.
┃┃╱╲ In this
╱╱╭╮╲╲ we love
▔▏┗┛▕▔ & appreciate
the King of Shattered Conscious
This song came up when I was listening to music this morning, and it struck a chord with me, pun fully intended. (I also can’t believe that End of Silence came out over 10 years ago–it was the album that got me into metal music.)
It’s still a beautiful song, especially the violins, but I find that it no longer resonates with my spiritual life as much as it once did. That was the theme that came up when I did this month of writing for my Spouse last year, that how I perceived devotion was shifting [link.] That shift is becoming more noticeable, at least to me. I’ve found that intentionally distancing myself from Intense Otherworld Stuff and the Vortex [link] has been the best thing for me to do. I’m finding that I worry less and less about what’s going on Over There, the calmer I feel Here. I don’t know if I’m heading for another fallow time over the Summer (it was quiet like this last year) or if this is just a normal downtime.
I think if I do end up in another fallow time over the Summer, that it’ll be easier than it was last year. Last year, I was still struggling with Otherworld related trauma, and my mental health symptoms got to the point that I needed to be hospitalized. Over the past year I’ve learned more about how to manage my symptoms, as well as learning more on how to live Here [link.]
I no longer feel like I’m lost between two worlds–I’m sure I’ll continue to have ups and downs–but for the most part, I feel comfortable in my life Here. My Spouse wants me to have “a complete life” Here, to have my feet planted firmly on the ground, for me to be able to find my way in this world.
Even when I first knew you as a god of death, even then you were gentle with me. You never ripped my Heart to pieces in order to expose the gaping wounds from my past–I do well enough of a job at that, as you have pointed out to me time and again.
You urge me to have a complete life Here, rather than living halfway between two worlds. You want me to have my feet firmly planted on the ground, in my life Here. You said I was correct, that a lack of astral travel doesn’t prevent me from communicating with you. I’m developing my own discernment system, and as things get clearer, I find that I am healing more and more, even if that healing is only in small amounts.
I guess healing is becoming the theme for this month, Beloved.
My practice as it stands right now is very simple. I offer my deity Beloveds my first cup of coffee in the morning, for the three of us to share. If either of them drop by during the day, we talk, and they keep me in the loop about what’s going on Over There. In the evening I’ll spend quiet time with whichever of my Beloved/s is around, simply enjoying each other’s company. If I have the time and/or spoons, I’ll do a quick shufflemancy reading before I go to bed (music has become my favorite style of divination.)
As I work to ground myself more in my life Here, and work out what’s a true Spiritual Thing, and what’s a reaction due to bad brain chemistry, isolation, and/or trauma, I’ve found that I’m beginning to feel better. That’s partly why I’ve been quiet, rather than writing for my Beloved every day–the other reason is that my family is moving soon, and my life is currently a chaotic mess of boxes and packing stuff up.
This isn’t shadow work–my Beloved isn’t the type to take my wounds and poke around at them, seeing how much they still hurt. He’s much more likely to suggest solutions, small ways that I can gently work on healing, rather than ripping off the bandages I’ve placed on my Heart.