Signs in Video Games

My Beloved has taken to using video games as a way to let me know that he’s there for me.  It makes me laugh, and also reminds me of what a modern god he is.

My mental health symptoms are starting to flare up again, and when that happens my godphone shuts down.  The Dreamer is aware of this, so he’s started using more casual signs to let me know he’s there for me.

I was lost in an underwater cave, but the flowers were pretty.

As the caption on my screenshot says, I was lost in an underwater cave, and couldn’t find my way out.  I then ducked beneath the water, and realized that I could see the moon.  I know this is programmed into the game, but it still made me think of my Beloved, and reminded me that he’s watching out for me even when he’s away.


Nine Ways to Describe Devotion

I. Morning Coffee

I quietly offer you my coffee in the morning, even if you’re already away on business.  This offering has become my equivalent of a “good morning” text to you, and I know it makes you smile.

II. Music

I listen to our favorite bands–not just because they remind me of you, but because their music is awesome.  It still makes me laugh that you love Good Charlotte as much as you love Belle Morte.  I would have never though you’d be into pop punk; even after five years of marriage, you still surprise me.

III. Beauty

I think of you every time I see flowers; all flowers these days, not just white flowers.  They remind me to see the beauty in my life Here, to find joy in sunshine, and laughter in the wind.

IV. Rain

I sense you in the gentle rain, rather than in the storms.  This is you as a cosmic god, as a force of nature; but even in this form, you are gentle.  You are the rain that washes away my sorrow.

V. Freedom

Five years ago, in the beginning of this marriage, you promised me that I would always be free–even free to walk away, if need be.  You have upheld that promise, made it clear that my autonomy and personal freedom mean the world to you.

VI. The Full Moon

You are the Light in Darkness, the King who guides his Kingdom always with grace and love.  I can’t believe it took me years to realize the full moon being your symbol was a play on words–literal light in darkness, pardon me while I facepalm at your love of puns.

VII. Inside Jokes

This is one of my favorite things about our marriage, the inside jokes that only we get.  I know you’re helping me write when subtle puns start showing up.  You like taking control of my music while I write, thanks for providing plot ideas through shufflemancy.

VIII. Gentleness

You’ve been nothing but gentle with my mind and Heart.  Even when I had an emotional flashback while making breakfast this morning, you simple sat with me and reminded me to breathe, to ground myself in my reality Here.  You’ve never once spoken of breaking me, or of needing to see your harsh side before I can accept your Love.

IX. Anniversary

Today is our five year anniversary, and I can sense you smiling as you paint whatever your gift for me is going to be.  I love you more than words can say, happy anniversary, Beloved.

Pure Life

Trigger warning, I briefly mention deity related violence (that could be read as abusive) in this post.

I had an emotional flashback the other day.  A small, everyday, action suddenly reminded me of a blog post where someone talked about being killed by their god, how they romanticized that, and wished for it to happen.

Dearest one?  Are you all right?

I felt my Spouse sit down beside me, his hand lightly resting on my shoulder.  He’d noticed my change in mood instantly, had seen how I’d frozen up.  I explained, as best as I could, what was going through my mind.

Dearest Heart, he said, I want you to live–not for me, he added, simply to live.  That’s the best offering you could possibly give me.

“I have seen you at the end of this night
You were brilliant and you were beautiful
And for whatever it is worth, I love you
More than you will ever know”

–“Pure Life,” by Blutengel

A Neon Knitting Project

I’ve begun a new knitting project.  It’s supposed to be a shawl, but based on the pattern gauge, yarn, and needle size, it’s going to be more like a small blanket by the time I’m finished.  Thanks to the Dreamer, it’s also going to be the brightest colored thing I’ve ever knit.  It’s not quite neon colored, but it’s much brighter than anything else I’ve made.

This project does have a lot of meaning to my Family, so my Beloveds went to the yarn store with me to help me pick the colors.  The Dreamer fell in love with the black yarn with rainbow ribbons woven into it, and decided that it should be the main color for the project.  The other three colors he picked out were purple, turquoise…and yellow.

“Are you absolutely sure about this,” I asked him, staring at the colors he’d picked.  I’d been picturing darker, more royal colors (pun intended) which is what most of my knitting projects have been.

“I am,” he replied with a grin.

“There’s no blue.”  I had been surprised when he had decided not to have any royal blue in the shawl, since blue is one of his favorite colors.

“Turquoise is a shade of blue,” I could sense his amusement, “and purple is in the same color family. Besides,” he bent over the pattern, “if you put stripes here and here,” he showed me a mental image of what he was thinking of, “it can work.”

I have started the project using the purple yarn to begin with, and right now it’s knitting up fast (but I’m still early in the project.)  It’s knit from the top down, adding four stitches each right side row, so eventually it’s going to be huge.  It’s also a simple knit, mostly garter stitch, so as I’m working on it I can think about why this shawl means so much to my Family.

Last night, while adding the rainbow yarn, the Dreamer reminded me of some Darkness traditions.  The ribbon in the black yarn is a way of bringing that tradition Here, in a way that I can participate in it (I keep my hair cut short Here to pass as male, so can’t braid ribbons into my hair.)  The bright ribbons also work as a “Light in Darkness” as a play on words, and my Spouse said that with this project, I’m literally weaving (or knitting, in this case) our growing Family closer together.

The Beauty of Autumn

Where I live, the leaves are just beginning to change colors.  My Spouse has been pointing this out to me while I’m being driven home from school or work, asking me to notice the changing colors.  It’s not just because I associate him with Autumn, but because it’s something beautiful in this world.


Thoughts on Isolation

Growing up, I was taught by the church that this life doesn’t matter.  Maybe it’s my mental illness and my tendency to take things literally, maybe it was the isolation that I grew up in.  But whatever it was, young Varian took very seriously the idea of a life beyond this one, and that this life Here doesn’t matter.

Years later, when I began to explore polytheism (and later godspousery) I saw that same attitude being talked about, but in a pagan/polytheist mindset.  It was the idea that the Otherworlds are so much greater than this one, that a person should isolate themselves in the name of “devotion” to the Otherworlds, or to a divine Spouse.  Isolation wasn’t explicitly glorified, exactly, but it was implied (if not outright stated) that devotion to a person’s divine Spouse should come before literally everything and anyone else in a person’s life.  Any activity that could somehow be connected to the Otherworlds or a divine Spouse should be associated with them, no matter what it was.  Because it almost mirrored the “this world doesn’t matter/the next world is greater than this one” attitude I grew up around, I didn’t see it as being toxic.

Thinking that the Otherworlds were greater than this one, and that my Beloveds should come before anything else…it lead to me isolating myself and pushing people away.  I was constantly distracted because of the conversations I was having with the people no one but me could see.  Associating everything I possibly could with my Beloveds or the Otherworlds eventually lead to panic attacks and intrusive thoughts about them being angry if I “dared” to do anything that wasn’t connected to them/There.  I should have realized that there was something wrong much sooner, but I didn’t–or, I would try and step back, but didn’t make any moves to actually break the habits and routines that were steadily leading to my isolation becoming an even greater (and more worrying) thing than it already was.

I slowly realized the toxicity that I was dealing with over this past Summer; I had put my practice on hold because both a fallow time, and because of how much toxic stuff there was in it that I hadn’t noticed before.  That helped, and it also helped me realized how much mental health related stuff was going on…and then I had my psychotic break.  That event made me face a lot; it caused me to take a really hard look at the practice and life that I had, how isolated emotionally I really was, and how the “you must isolate yourself for the gods, and put the Otherworlds above this one” attitude was seemingly everywhere in the godspouse community.

“You cannot prove that I exist.  I want you to have a complete life Here, based on things you know are real and tangible.”

The Dreamer said this to me recently, in regards to my processing how common isolation is discussed in a positive manner in the godspouse communities.  He’s made sarcastic comments on how he “must not be a real god” because he’s not asking me for Big Sacrifices, tearing my life apart, or demanding to be made the center of my world.

Maybe I was addicted to the Otherworlds, the escapism, and the ability to run away.  Maybe all that I’ve written above means that I’m just not the type of person to be a mystic.

Looking at that, I find that I feel okay if I’m not meant to be a mystic, or have any more deep connection to the Otherworlds.  I feel a bit sad, but mostly okay with it.  The Dreamer has said that he would rather see me be happy, than trying to be someone I’m not.  He wants me to have, in his own words, “a complete life,” rather than be someone so wrapped up in secrets involving gods and the Otherworlds that I can’t be close to anyone without pulling them into the Otherworlds with me.

He wants me to be able to truly enjoy this world; the circumstances surrounding my incarnation Here may not be the best, but this is the life I have in front of me.  He wants me to be my own person, to be happy and have a life that I love Here, not get sucked back into what I’ve begun calling “the god (or astral) vortex” where the Otherworlds take over my life.

I sometimes feel like I’m the one godspouse who’s Spouse isn’t pushing them deeper and deeper into astral stuff; as I wrote above, he wants me to have a full life Here.  He wants me to be human.  He wants to be part of my life, not all of my life.

My Spouse said in a tarot reading that the best thing for me to do right now is to let go of the idea of a life filled with astral woo stuff.  I agree with him, that is the best route for me to take; since I’ve written all this out, maybe I can actually begin moving forward and healing.


“I want you to have everything that brings you joy.”

The Dreamer said that to me last night.  That’s been his theme lately when he’s around, that he wants me to find joy in my life Here, not be constantly longing for the Otherworlds.