Knitting, Estrangement, and Grief

I have about 550 yards of red yarn, and…I’m facing a problem with it.

You see, it was going to be a poncho dedicated to [the Dreamer’s father.]  Magically, it was going to function as a sort of shield, and a reminder that [this deity] cared for me.

My Spouse and his father became estranged two years ago, the type of estrangement there’s no going back from (in support of my Beloved, I cut all contact with [this deity] as well.)  In August of 2018, we received word that [this deity] had passed away, which brought up a lot of mixed feelings for us all (especially the manner of his death, which was awful.)

I don’t know what to do with the yarn, but I know that making the poncho is out of the question.  I’m not sure if I’m even *ready* to use it, but I wanted to write this (and ask if anyone has ideas) while it was on my mind.

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WIP Wednesday, Every Shade of Blue

A few years ago, I knit a shawl for the Dreamer [link] though I didn’t show off the finished project.  I completed the shawl a few months after I began it, and I’ve had five small balls of yarn sitting in my knitting bag ever since.

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I recently (finally) learned how to do ribbed stitch, after several attempts while being unable to recognize the patterns and how they work.  Learning to read my knitting, which stitches are knits, purls, and increases/decreases, has seriously helped me advance in this hobby.  (Maybe some time I’ll write about the lace shawl that’s currently in hibernation mode, because lace+fingering weight yarn+legal blindness=not a good mix.)

So far I’ve used the leftover light blue yarn, and have moved to the next two shades of blue.  Yes, those are two different shades, though they’re very close together, the shawl had the same problem when knitting it.  (I think the yarns looked more different in the store’s lighting than under natural light, and the light in my living room.)

It’s being knit on size 11 circular needles, and I think the yarn is sport weight.  The ribbed stitch is 3×3, and there’s 27 stitches per row.  So far it’s a simple project, provided that the yarn doesn’t get tangled, and I think it’ll be a nice thing to wear for my Beloved when I can’t wear the shawl.

Signs in Video Games

My Beloved has taken to using video games as a way to let me know that he’s there for me.  It makes me laugh, and also reminds me of what a modern god he is.

My mental health symptoms are starting to flare up again, and when that happens my godphone shuts down.  The Dreamer is aware of this, so he’s started using more casual signs to let me know he’s there for me.

I was lost in an underwater cave, but the flowers were pretty.

As the caption on my screenshot says, I was lost in an underwater cave, and couldn’t find my way out.  I then ducked beneath the water, and realized that I could see the moon.  I know this is programmed into the game, but it still made me think of my Beloved, and reminded me that he’s watching out for me even when he’s away.

Nine Ways to Describe Devotion

I. Morning Coffee

I quietly offer you my coffee in the morning, even if you’re already away on business.  This offering has become my equivalent of a “good morning” text to you, and I know it makes you smile.

II. Music

I listen to our favorite bands–not just because they remind me of you, but because their music is awesome.  It still makes me laugh that you love Good Charlotte as much as you love Belle Morte.  I would have never though you’d be into pop punk; even after five years of marriage, you still surprise me.

III. Beauty

I think of you every time I see flowers; all flowers these days, not just white flowers.  They remind me to see the beauty in my life Here, to find joy in sunshine, and laughter in the wind.

IV. Rain

I sense you in the gentle rain, rather than in the storms.  This is you as a cosmic god, as a force of nature; but even in this form, you are gentle.  You are the rain that washes away my sorrow.

V. Freedom

Five years ago, in the beginning of this marriage, you promised me that I would always be free–even free to walk away, if need be.  You have upheld that promise, made it clear that my autonomy and personal freedom mean the world to you.

VI. The Full Moon

You are the Light in Darkness, the King who guides his Kingdom always with grace and love.  I can’t believe it took me years to realize the full moon being your symbol was a play on words–literal light in darkness, pardon me while I facepalm at your love of puns.

VII. Inside Jokes

This is one of my favorite things about our marriage, the inside jokes that only we get.  I know you’re helping me write when subtle puns start showing up.  You like taking control of my music while I write, thanks for providing plot ideas through shufflemancy.

VIII. Gentleness

You’ve been nothing but gentle with my mind and Heart.  Even when I had an emotional flashback while making breakfast this morning, you simple sat with me and reminded me to breathe, to ground myself in my reality Here.  You’ve never once spoken of breaking me, or of needing to see your harsh side before I can accept your Love.

IX. Anniversary

Today is our five year anniversary, and I can sense you smiling as you paint whatever your gift for me is going to be.  I love you more than words can say, happy anniversary, Beloved.

Pure Life

Trigger warning, I briefly mention deity related violence (that could be read as abusive) in this post.

I had an emotional flashback the other day.  A small, everyday, action suddenly reminded me of a blog post where someone talked about being killed by their god, how they romanticized that, and wished for it to happen.

Dearest one?  Are you all right?

I felt my Spouse sit down beside me, his hand lightly resting on my shoulder.  He’d noticed my change in mood instantly, had seen how I’d frozen up.  I explained, as best as I could, what was going through my mind.

Dearest Heart, he said, I want you to live–not for me, he added, simply to live.  That’s the best offering you could possibly give me.

“I have seen you at the end of this night
You were brilliant and you were beautiful
And for whatever it is worth, I love you
More than you will ever know”

–“Pure Life,” by Blutengel

A Neon Knitting Project

I’ve begun a new knitting project.  It’s supposed to be a shawl, but based on the pattern gauge, yarn, and needle size, it’s going to be more like a small blanket by the time I’m finished.  Thanks to the Dreamer, it’s also going to be the brightest colored thing I’ve ever knit.  It’s not quite neon colored, but it’s much brighter than anything else I’ve made.

This project does have a lot of meaning to my Family, so my Beloveds went to the yarn store with me to help me pick the colors.  The Dreamer fell in love with the black yarn with rainbow ribbons woven into it, and decided that it should be the main color for the project.  The other three colors he picked out were purple, turquoise…and yellow.

“Are you absolutely sure about this,” I asked him, staring at the colors he’d picked.  I’d been picturing darker, more royal colors (pun intended) which is what most of my knitting projects have been.

“I am,” he replied with a grin.

“There’s no blue.”  I had been surprised when he had decided not to have any royal blue in the shawl, since blue is one of his favorite colors.

“Turquoise is a shade of blue,” I could sense his amusement, “and purple is in the same color family. Besides,” he bent over the pattern, “if you put stripes here and here,” he showed me a mental image of what he was thinking of, “it can work.”

I have started the project using the purple yarn to begin with, and right now it’s knitting up fast (but I’m still early in the project.)  It’s knit from the top down, adding four stitches each right side row, so eventually it’s going to be huge.  It’s also a simple knit, mostly garter stitch, so as I’m working on it I can think about why this shawl means so much to my Family.

Last night, while adding the rainbow yarn, the Dreamer reminded me of some Darkness traditions.  The ribbon in the black yarn is a way of bringing that tradition Here, in a way that I can participate in it (I keep my hair cut short Here to pass as male, so can’t braid ribbons into my hair.)  The bright ribbons also work as a “Light in Darkness” as a play on words, and my Spouse said that with this project, I’m literally weaving (or knitting, in this case) our growing Family closer together.

The Beauty of Autumn

Where I live, the leaves are just beginning to change colors.  My Spouse has been pointing this out to me while I’m being driven home from school or work, asking me to notice the changing colors.  It’s not just because I associate him with Autumn, but because it’s something beautiful in this world.