What. Is. My. Life? (Pop Culture Paganism Edition)

In late May, the Dreamer left, as he does every Summer. As my close friends know, his leaving hit me much harder than it usually does.

Then I had a dream involving a woman named Kira–but it felt more like an astral experience, than a dream. I made a note of it, but brushed it off otherwise.

Then I finished a book in a particular fantasy series.

I was chatting with my friends about the books, when I felt a *heavy* sense of Presence. One of the Ascendants (from the series) promptly sat down on my couch, put his feet up on my table, and waited for me to notice him.

Considering that it was the Black Winged Lord, I noticed him pretty quickly. He radiated power, fierceness, and cold.

“Oh.” I stared at him a moment, dying inside of embarrassment of all the times I’d call him hot. I’d joked about my crush on his character, and now he was sitting in my living room.

To my surprise, after giving him some coffee as an offering, he introduced (re-introduced?) me to Kira, and left.

It’s been A Ride for the past week–I’m waiting on some outside divination to come back, but I did go ahead and start a blog [link] for pop culture pagan stuff.

A Dream, and A Reminder

I got a tarot reading back recently about my spiritual path. One card mentioned a King leaving, but us possibly being reunited, though not necessarily in a romantic relationship anymore. I had a knee-jerk reaction of panic, to which my Spouse showed up in my dreams to reassure me that he’s not going anywhere, even if our relationship may shift more to friendship, rather than romantic love.

I’d normally put this in my private dream logs, but he’s encouraging me to post it publicly.

*********

“I’m scared this is the last time I’ll be here.” I admit. I know this garden so well, it’s the High King’s personal gardens, filled with flowers from around the Universe. I know every path here, have spent time with my Spouse and played with our children here.

“Why do you think that,” he asks me.

I tell him about the reading, about the King leaving. I knew the King card could be about any older man, but my mind had jumped to him right away, that and with the distance between us that’s been exacerbated by my mental illness.

“Varian, dearest one.” He hugs me gently. “I’ve been alive for how long?”

“A good…” I pause and do the math, “6,000 years, at least.”

He nods. “And I’ve loved you all that time,” he says quietly. “Since I met you, I’ve loved you.”

“Even when we’ve been apart?”

“Even then, dearest Heart.” I feel his lips touch my hair. “I’ve always loved you in some way, even as our relationship has changed over time.”

I nod, and he takes my hand. We walk through the gardens together, but I’m still musing over the distance and space between us.

“It could simply mean that I need to be away,” he says, “if that King card was about me, that is.” He pauses. “I leave every Summer, remember?”

“I–oh!” Suddenly I’m laughing. “Oops, I forgot and panicked.”

He smiles. “I can understand why, things have been…fragile for you lately, haven’t they?”

“Yeah,” I move closer and put my arm around his waist, “they have been.”

We walk through the garden together, quietly talking and listening to our children as they play nearby.

No Longer Lost (A Month for the Dreamer)

This song came up when I was listening to music this morning, and it struck a chord with me, pun fully intended. (I also can’t believe that End of Silence came out over 10 years ago–it was the album that got me into metal music.)

It’s still a beautiful song, especially the violins, but I find that it no longer resonates with my spiritual life as much as it once did. That was the theme that came up when I did this month of writing for my Spouse last year, that how I perceived devotion was shifting [link.] That shift is becoming more noticeable, at least to me. I’ve found that intentionally distancing myself from Intense Otherworld Stuff and the Vortex [link] has been the best thing for me to do. I’m finding that I worry less and less about what’s going on Over There, the calmer I feel Here. I don’t know if I’m heading for another fallow time over the Summer (it was quiet like this last year) or if this is just a normal downtime.

I think if I do end up in another fallow time over the Summer, that it’ll be easier than it was last year. Last year, I was still struggling with Otherworld related trauma, and my mental health symptoms got to the point that I needed to be hospitalized. Over the past year I’ve learned more about how to manage my symptoms, as well as learning more on how to live Here [link.]

I no longer feel like I’m lost between two worlds–I’m sure I’ll continue to have ups and downs–but for the most part, I feel comfortable in my life Here. My Spouse wants me to have “a complete life” Here, to have my feet planted firmly on the ground, for me to be able to find my way in this world.

Themes of Healing (A Month for the Dreamer)

Even when I first knew you as a god of death, even then you were gentle with me.  You never ripped my Heart to pieces in order to expose the gaping wounds from my past–I do well enough of a job at that, as you have pointed out to me time and again.

You urge me to have a complete life Here, rather than living halfway between two worlds.  You want me to have my feet firmly planted on the ground, in my life Here.  You said I was correct, that a lack of astral travel doesn’t prevent me from communicating with you.  I’m developing my own discernment system, and as things get clearer, I find that I am healing more and more, even if that healing is only in small amounts.

I guess healing is becoming the theme for this month, Beloved.

Simplicity and Healing (A Month for the Dreamer)

My practice as it stands right now is very simple.  I offer my deity Beloveds my first cup of coffee in the morning, for the three of us to share.  If either of them drop by during the day, we talk, and they keep me in the loop about what’s going on Over There.  In the evening I’ll spend quiet time with whichever of my Beloved/s is around, simply enjoying each other’s company.  If I have the time and/or spoons, I’ll do a quick shufflemancy reading before I go to bed (music has become my favorite style of divination.)

As I work to ground myself more in my life Here, and work out what’s a true Spiritual Thing, and what’s a reaction due to bad brain chemistry, isolation, and/or trauma, I’ve found that I’m beginning to feel better.  That’s partly why I’ve been quiet, rather than writing for my Beloved every day–the other reason is that my family is moving soon, and my life is currently a chaotic mess of boxes and packing stuff up.

This isn’t shadow work–my Beloved isn’t the type to take my wounds and poke around at them, seeing how much they still hurt.  He’s much more likely to suggest solutions, small ways that I can gently work on healing, rather than ripping off the bandages I’ve placed on my Heart.

Improvement (A Month for the Dreamer)

Last year, the theme that arose during the month of writing for my Beloved is that we are not one person [link].  I’m still early in the month of writing for him this year, but so far he’s been rather hands-off when it comes to prompts.

Looking back over the writing I did for my Beloved last year, I can see just how much I’ve improved in my mental health.  I still have days, even weeks, when I struggle, but I can see a noticeable difference over how I was doing last year.

Loving Myself, and Armies of Skeletons (A Month for the Dreamer)

One thing my Beloved has been helping me on is loving myself.  It’s been a struggle since I was young, feeling like if I was “myself” around people, I would be shunned because of the things I liked.  I’ve always been drawn to “dark” things, and I’ve struggled with feeling like I need to hide everything I’m interested in.

As my Beloved put it during a divination session the other day: “loving yourself can come in small steps; enjoying playing as a necromancer in Grim Dawn can be a good first step.”

I’ve written before that dark, death related things are the exact opposite of my Beloved’s tastes, but he supports me in my interests, and that means a lot to me.

Mundane Life (A Month for the Dreamer)

My Beloved, you encourage me to lift
up the life that I have Here.  You do
not ask for sacrifices, or shatter my
dreams in order to bring me closer to you.
All you ask is that I love you, and that I strive
now towards the future, and live in the moment.
Even as flashbacks and paranoia seem to
linger in my mind, you hold me and remind me that
I am nothing but human Here, and you love me
for that.  I do not need to be more than I am to
earn your Love and affection.