I had this Dream last night. It feels Important, so I’m recording it here.
“He needs you.”
His hands rest on the young monk’s shoulders, his voice and gaze intense.
“He needs you. My Husband will be there, my Friend will be there, but he’s going to need you by his side most of all, to handle what’s coming. The Hunt will ride soon, the Festival will happen, and then I will leave. If his mind shatters,” the Dreamer’s voice cracks, for just a second, “you call me–you call me so fast your phone lights on fire.”
Jake nods slowly. “‘I promise to love you when your faith goes silent,’ was something I swore to Varian. He swore that to me,” he motions to his robes, “but it goes both ways.”
“I promise you, on my Heart, that I will be his Light.”
The Dreamer slowly nods.
He picks up a lantern (the candle is already burning,) passing it to Jake, and then the dream fades.
My handfasting with Jake happened this afternoon (we did the Here version of the ceremony earlier in the day) and we’re officially engaged now. It was an incredibly sweet and simple ceremony, and it went perfectly.
To try to draw you is to try and capture beauty
in lines, and devotion in fragments of pencil shavings.
I cannot put your songs on paper, cannot transfer
how you are shifting my Heart, beloved, how you are
helping me see the radiance in devotion–it’s funny, in a way
I thought I’d be the monastic, not that I’d be engaged to one.
Yet here we are, two very different people, making
our lives and the love we share work together.
In response to WordPress’s daily prompt, and it’s also based off a conversation I had with Jake, about faith and anxiety.
Surely that was metaphor–you said;
all that talk of fire and breaking, of giving
everything even when you have nothing–
when you have been–run–ragged–by faith.
The look of horror on your face when I said–
no, this was no metaphor–this was–clay–and
a potter’s wheel–this was a life in ruins–and no
this wasn’t abnormal, I had grown up with this–
you held me as I talked about how my mind–screamed
at me–that I–could never–give–enough–that this–was
nothing–and would be–ripped–apart. You had no words
and–your silence–spoke–volumes–to your terror–of how
for so long I have–associated–faith–with uncompromising
and brutality and brokenness–and then it all–tumbled down–
and you were there–you saw the fall–and yet you’ve remained–
at my side–and sheltered me–beneath your silver wings.
I recently ordered a new deck for Jake (not his actual name, but an easier-to-pronounce version.) The tarot deck he had originally asked for ended up not quite clicking with him, so he passed it on to the spirits I work with–who absolutely love it, so it’s found a good home. He wanted an oracle deck rather than tarot, and something with gentler themes and a softer color scheme.
After looking around and asking the Tumblr divination community for recommendations, we settled on the Inner Star Oracle. I ordered it, and the estimated shipping (from Australia) was at least two weeks.
The deck showed up in the mail yesterday.
Less than a week after I’d purchased it.
I’ve ordered stuff that has Meaning and have had it show up earlier than estimated, but that’s the fastest I’ve had anything arrive (considering the two week shipping time.)
I’ve had stuff like this happen before, but I’m still stunned.
“There’s a difference,” he says to me, “between choosing a monastic path,” with these words he gestures to his silver robes, “and almost being forced into it due to isolation.”
I agree with him. We’ve been talking a lot about devotion lately, about what it means and how events of the past have completely skewed my perspective towards the literal and extreme, the must-always-be-doing-or-you-have-failed. The spiritwork discourse didn’t help.
He does his best to explain what it means to him, and I listen. He talks about community, his brothers and his family. He talks about his songs–he has a beautiful voice when he sings–and his books and beekeeping.
“But there’s nothing about giving up the outside world.” He picks one of the roses off the bush and runs his fingers over the petals, deep in thought. “Your world has very different ideas of devotion than mine does.”
“Then we’ll work together to understand those differences.”
I did some divination yesterday, and it made clear that it would be best if I bi-located during the handfasting ceremony, rather than it being only in the Otherworld. My ability to remember astral travel is shaky at the best of times, so we’ve agreed that for something as important as our handfasting, it’s best that I bi-locate.
The divination also backed up previous readings stating that this handfasting is going to be a rather public ceremony, instead of a private elopement (which is what I did when I married the Dreamer and the Madman–we had been married in my past life, so it was more like a vow renewal ceremony than anything else.)
Now the negotiations are starting.
I had discussed mortal partners with the Dreamer and the Madman before. We’d all agreed that if I ever met someone I wanted to have a relationship with, that they would be okay with me seeing someone else–and they are genuinely happy for J and I. Neither of them wants me to be alone (especially with them both having Jobs that could lead to them being gone for long amounts of time) and my growing relationship with J is helping me stay grounded.
The first round of negotiations has been completed (out of four) and the next ones will happen between now and April. We agreed to start now because we both know that the handfasting date will be here before we know it, so it’s best to work on negotiations at a pace where we don’t have to rush.