I’m currently working on my first knitting project of the new year. I’m making a scarf with my mortal Beloveds, Jake and Trev, in mind.
I’ve ended up improvising a pattern, because the patterns I tried didn’t work with the yarn (I’m using this yarn [link].) I tried the star stitch, because that one is said to work well with thick-and-thin yarn, and all I got was hand cramps and frustration. I thought about knitting a drop stitch scarf, since I only have 220 yards, but the fuzziness of the yarn would make that more of a mess than it’d be worth.
Right now it’s a simple 2×2 rib stitch, knit lengthwise because I’d already cast on 130 stitches when I’d realized that drop stitch probably wouldn’t work with this yarn. It’s a simple knit, and so far I’m enjoying seeing how the varying texture and colors work together.
I am not able to sing your songs
but I can wrap you in your silver
robes when your hands shake
too badly to do it yourself.
I will be there for you even when
your faith falls silent, my love,
as you have been there for me.
We met when everything was
tumbling down, when my past was
being torn into the light. You held my
hand as my other Loves had to step away
and for that I love you. You kept me grounded
as everything fell apart again; now let me do
the same for you, hold you close as storms
sweep over your Heart. Channel your loss
through songs or through silence, I will
stand by you either way. I will wrap you
in my wings, be your shelter and your sunlight.
Back in May, I wrote a post saying that my abilities to sense, see, and/or hear my Beloveds–let alone anyone else–has been going down steadily since April. My abilities dying…maybe finally happened?
I did some brief divination about all of this, and the reading was “everything Over There is fine, relax,” and that my godphone and abilities were bound to die sooner or later. This…doesn’t surprise me, but the ongoing quiet is strange.
Two weeks ago, the Dreamer left for his Summer Duties in Darkness. I’ve begun keeping a journal specifically for him when he’s gone over the Summer–he requested I do so through some divination I got–and it’s helped a lot. I don’t know if he gets the letters as I write them, but writing to him has been helping with being unable to reach him any other way.
The Madman has been around when he can be, but his appearances are sporadic. This makes sense, from what I know of the Dreamer’s Summer Duties, that his Spouse would be incredibly busy as well.
Jake is still around, which is comforting. I’ve been spending time with his family and friends when I can–just brief visits, nothing intense–and they really are beginning to feel like family to me.
I had this Dream last night. It feels Important, so I’m recording it here.
“He needs you.”
His hands rest on the young monk’s shoulders, his voice and gaze intense.
“He needs you. My Husband will be there, my Friend will be there, but he’s going to need you by his side most of all, to handle what’s coming. The Hunt will ride soon, the Festival will happen, and then I will leave. If his mind shatters,” the Dreamer’s voice cracks, for just a second, “you call me–you call me so fast your phone lights on fire.”
Jake nods slowly. “‘I promise to love you when your faith goes silent,’ was something I swore to Varian. He swore that to me,” he motions to his robes, “but it goes both ways.”
“I promise you, on my Heart, that I will be his Light.”
The Dreamer slowly nods.
He picks up a lantern (the candle is already burning,) passing it to Jake, and then the dream fades.
My handfasting with Jake happened this afternoon (we did the Here version of the ceremony earlier in the day) and we’re officially engaged now. It was an incredibly sweet and simple ceremony, and it went perfectly.
To try to draw you is to try and capture beauty
in lines, and devotion in fragments of pencil shavings.
I cannot put your songs on paper, cannot transfer
how you are shifting my Heart, beloved, how you are
helping me see the radiance in devotion–it’s funny, in a way
I thought I’d be the monastic, not that I’d be engaged to one.
Yet here we are, two very different people, making
our lives and the love we share work together.