I am not able to sing your songs
but I can wrap you in your silver
robes when your hands shake
too badly to do it yourself.
I will be there for you even when
your faith falls silent, my love,
as you have been there for me.
We met when everything was
tumbling down, when my past was
being torn into the light. You held my
hand as my other Loves had to step away
and for that I love you. You kept me grounded
as everything fell apart again; now let me do
the same for you, hold you close as storms
sweep over your Heart. Channel your loss
through songs or through silence, I will
stand by you either way. I will wrap you
in my wings, be your shelter and your sunlight.
Back in May, I wrote a post saying that my abilities to sense, see, and/or hear my Beloveds–let alone anyone else–has been going down steadily since April. My abilities dying…maybe finally happened?
I did some brief divination about all of this, and the reading was “everything Over There is fine, relax,” and that my godphone and abilities were bound to die sooner or later. This…doesn’t surprise me, but the ongoing quiet is strange.
Two weeks ago, the Dreamer left for his Summer Duties in Darkness. I’ve begun keeping a journal specifically for him when he’s gone over the Summer–he requested I do so through some divination I got–and it’s helped a lot. I don’t know if he gets the letters as I write them, but writing to him has been helping with being unable to reach him any other way.
The Madman has been around when he can be, but his appearances are sporadic. This makes sense, from what I know of the Dreamer’s Summer Duties, that his Spouse would be incredibly busy as well.
Jake is still around, which is comforting. I’ve been spending time with his family and friends when I can–just brief visits, nothing intense–and they really are beginning to feel like family to me.
I had this Dream last night. It feels Important, so I’m recording it here.
“He needs you.”
His hands rest on the young monk’s shoulders, his voice and gaze intense.
“He needs you. My Husband will be there, my Friend will be there, but he’s going to need you by his side most of all, to handle what’s coming. The Hunt will ride soon, the Festival will happen, and then I will leave. If his mind shatters,” the Dreamer’s voice cracks, for just a second, “you call me–you call me so fast your phone lights on fire.”
Jake nods slowly. “‘I promise to love you when your faith goes silent,’ was something I swore to Varian. He swore that to me,” he motions to his robes, “but it goes both ways.”
“I promise you, on my Heart, that I will be his Light.”
The Dreamer slowly nods.
He picks up a lantern (the candle is already burning,) passing it to Jake, and then the dream fades.
My handfasting with Jake happened this afternoon (we did the Here version of the ceremony earlier in the day) and we’re officially engaged now. It was an incredibly sweet and simple ceremony, and it went perfectly.
To try to draw you is to try and capture beauty
in lines, and devotion in fragments of pencil shavings.
I cannot put your songs on paper, cannot transfer
how you are shifting my Heart, beloved, how you are
helping me see the radiance in devotion–it’s funny, in a way
I thought I’d be the monastic, not that I’d be engaged to one.
Yet here we are, two very different people, making
our lives and the love we share work together.
In response to WordPress’s daily prompt, and it’s also based off a conversation I had with Jake, about faith and anxiety.
Surely that was metaphor–you said;
all that talk of fire and breaking, of giving
everything even when you have nothing–
when you have been–run–ragged–by faith.
The look of horror on your face when I said–
no, this was no metaphor–this was–clay–and
a potter’s wheel–this was a life in ruins–and no
this wasn’t abnormal, I had grown up with this–
you held me as I talked about how my mind–screamed
at me–that I–could never–give–enough–that this–was
nothing–and would be–ripped–apart. You had no words
and–your silence–spoke–volumes–to your terror–of how
for so long I have–associated–faith–with uncompromising
and brutality and brokenness–and then it all–tumbled down–
and you were there–you saw the fall–and yet you’ve remained–
at my side–and sheltered me–beneath your silver wings.
I recently ordered a new deck for Jake (not his actual name, but an easier-to-pronounce version.) The tarot deck he had originally asked for ended up not quite clicking with him, so he passed it on to the spirits I work with–who absolutely love it, so it’s found a good home. He wanted an oracle deck rather than tarot, and something with gentler themes and a softer color scheme.
After looking around and asking the Tumblr divination community for recommendations, we settled on the Inner Star Oracle. I ordered it, and the estimated shipping (from Australia) was at least two weeks.
The deck showed up in the mail yesterday.
Less than a week after I’d purchased it.
I’ve ordered stuff that has Meaning and have had it show up earlier than estimated, but that’s the fastest I’ve had anything arrive (considering the two week shipping time.)
I’ve had stuff like this happen before, but I’m still stunned.