My handfasting with Jake happened this afternoon (we did the Here version of the ceremony earlier in the day) and we’re officially engaged now. It was an incredibly sweet and simple ceremony, and it went perfectly.
To try to draw you is to try and capture beauty
in lines, and devotion in fragments of pencil shavings.
I cannot put your songs on paper, cannot transfer
how you are shifting my Heart, beloved, how you are
helping me see the radiance in devotion–it’s funny, in a way
I thought I’d be the monastic, not that I’d be engaged to one.
Yet here we are, two very different people, making
our lives and the love we share work together.
In response to WordPress’s daily prompt, and it’s also based off a conversation I had with Jake, about faith and anxiety.
Surely that was metaphor–you said;
all that talk of fire and breaking, of giving
everything even when you have nothing–
when you have been–run–ragged–by faith.
The look of horror on your face when I said–
no, this was no metaphor–this was–clay–and
a potter’s wheel–this was a life in ruins–and no
this wasn’t abnormal, I had grown up with this–
you held me as I talked about how my mind–screamed
at me–that I–could never–give–enough–that this–was
nothing–and would be–ripped–apart. You had no words
and–your silence–spoke–volumes–to your terror–of how
for so long I have–associated–faith–with uncompromising
and brutality and brokenness–and then it all–tumbled down–
and you were there–you saw the fall–and yet you’ve remained–
at my side–and sheltered me–beneath your silver wings.
I recently ordered a new deck for Jake (not his actual name, but an easier-to-pronounce version.) The tarot deck he had originally asked for ended up not quite clicking with him, so he passed it on to the spirits I work with–who absolutely love it, so it’s found a good home. He wanted an oracle deck rather than tarot, and something with gentler themes and a softer color scheme.
After looking around and asking the Tumblr divination community for recommendations, we settled on the Inner Star Oracle. I ordered it, and the estimated shipping (from Australia) was at least two weeks.
The deck showed up in the mail yesterday.
Less than a week after I’d purchased it.
I’ve ordered stuff that has Meaning and have had it show up earlier than estimated, but that’s the fastest I’ve had anything arrive (considering the two week shipping time.)
I’ve had stuff like this happen before, but I’m still stunned.
“There’s a difference,” he says to me, “between choosing a monastic path,” with these words he gestures to his silver robes, “and almost being forced into it due to isolation.”
I agree with him. We’ve been talking a lot about devotion lately, about what it means and how events of the past have completely skewed my perspective towards the literal and extreme, the must-always-be-doing-or-you-have-failed. The spiritwork discourse didn’t help.
He does his best to explain what it means to him, and I listen. He talks about community, his brothers and his family. He talks about his songs–he has a beautiful voice when he sings–and his books and beekeeping.
“But there’s nothing about giving up the outside world.” He picks one of the roses off the bush and runs his fingers over the petals, deep in thought. “Your world has very different ideas of devotion than mine does.”
“Then we’ll work together to understand those differences.”
I did some divination yesterday, and it made clear that it would be best if I bi-located during the handfasting ceremony, rather than it being only in the Otherworld. My ability to remember astral travel is shaky at the best of times, so we’ve agreed that for something as important as our handfasting, it’s best that I bi-locate.
The divination also backed up previous readings stating that this handfasting is going to be a rather public ceremony, instead of a private elopement (which is what I did when I married the Dreamer and the Madman–we had been married in my past life, so it was more like a vow renewal ceremony than anything else.)
Now the negotiations are starting.
I had discussed mortal partners with the Dreamer and the Madman before. We’d all agreed that if I ever met someone I wanted to have a relationship with, that they would be okay with me seeing someone else–and they are genuinely happy for J and I. Neither of them wants me to be alone (especially with them both having Jobs that could lead to them being gone for long amounts of time) and my growing relationship with J is helping me stay grounded.
The first round of negotiations has been completed (out of four) and the next ones will happen between now and April. We agreed to start now because we both know that the handfasting date will be here before we know it, so it’s best to work on negotiations at a pace where we don’t have to rush.
Updates, in bullet point format.
- The Dreamer and the Madman have been away for over a month now, and it’s been…an adjustment.
- I’ve interacted with them briefly during that time, but our conversations have been short and they can’t be around much.
- I miss them both, but I also understand why they’re gone [which is personal to them, so I won’t say any more.]
- I’m beginning to really understand why they’ve pushed independence so much over the time I’ve known them.
- I recently learned (thanks to one of my Allies) that in my practice sharing drinks with someone is a potentially very intimate thing.
- I didn’t notice it until [this Deity] pointed out that I only offered drinks to my Beloveds.
- I’m unsure if this is me-as-a-person thing, or if this is a Darkness related thing.
- My practice Here is (mostly) at a standstill again.
- I’ve found that I’m okay with that.
- J and I now have a date for our handfasting (April 7) as well as an officiant.
- The next thing to work on will be our vows.
- We also need to figure out just *how* public this ceremony will be.
- We’ll also work out if this will be only in the astral, or will I be bi-locating and with the two ceremonies (one Here, one Over There) taking place simultaneously.