My Better Me

Alternative Title: Varian Is Calling Himself Out On His Shit.

My journey into polytheism, being a godspouse, and (later still) sacred Kingship began when I was severely isolated.  I was physically isolated, I grew up in a rural area (and due to being legally blind, I can’t drive) but even more so emotionally isolated.  I now live in a more urban area, and am in college, but the self-imposed emotional isolated has remained.  I didn’t deliberately emotionally isolate myself, but those patterns that I developed over many years have stayed in place far beyond what’s necessary.

I got some divination back recently, and it confirmed that my connection to my Otherworld Self has been severed.  I’m unsure how I feel about this, even though I understand that it’s necessary.  It’s necessary because I’ve slowly realized over the last few months that I used the Otherworlds and my life There as a form of escapism and a way to avoid my life Here–and I’ve been doing that for years.  I’ve written about this before, wanting to give up Here for There, and rationally knowing that it’s a bad thing…but looking back at my private journal and seeing just how far back in time that longing goes, feels like a massive wake up call.

What I do now, I’m not entirely sure.  I have habits that I know I need to break, things that I know need to change.  I need to be much more present in my life Here, and simply have faith that my Otherworld Self can handle His side of things.  Maybe I should set up a schedule with my Beloveds of when we see each other, because otherwise I keep wondering if they’re with me or not, and that constant distraction isn’t good.

Even though I feel raw since writing about isolating myself (even if that isolation wasn’t deliberate) I’ve found that working on this entry, and acknowledging in public that I have a lot that I need to change, has helped me.  I’m going to end this here, and go get lunch before class starts.

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A Quiet New Years

Yesterday was New Years in the Otherworlds.  I honestly expected to still be in the hospital, so I had absolutely no plans in advance.

It was a quiet day for me.  I spent some time with some f/Family members that I hadn’t seen in a while, and did a brief tarot reading to check in on how Darkness has been doing since I’ve been gone (my Otherworld Self has been handling my responsibilities.)  All the Summer Rituals went well, and so did the Wild Hunt.

I did a reading to check in with my People, and the final card I drew from them was the 3 of Swords.  The words that came to mind when I pulled that card were “We’re all healing, together.”

Silence (Godphone Update II), and Other Brief Updates

Back in May, I wrote a post saying that my abilities to sense, see, and/or hear my Beloveds–let alone anyone else–has been going down steadily since April.  My abilities dying…maybe finally happened?

I did some brief divination about all of this, and the reading was “everything Over There is fine, relax,” and that my godphone and abilities were bound to die sooner or later.  This…doesn’t surprise me, but the ongoing quiet is strange.


Two weeks ago, the Dreamer left for his Summer Duties in Darkness.  I’ve begun keeping a journal specifically for him when he’s gone over the Summer–he requested I do so through some divination I got–and it’s helped a lot.  I don’t know if he gets the letters as I write them, but writing to him has been helping with being unable to reach him any other way.

The Madman has been around when he can be, but his appearances are sporadic.  This makes sense, from what I know of the Dreamer’s Summer Duties, that his Spouse would be incredibly busy as well.

Jake is still around, which is comforting.  I’ve been spending time with his family and friends when I can–just brief visits, nothing intense–and they really are beginning to feel like family to me.

 

Asexuality and My Spiritual Path (Carnival of Aces)

This month’s Carnival of Aces topic is Complexity and Nuance.

I ended up writing about how my asexuality plays a part in my spiritual path.  I’ve written about this in passing, but the topic of complexity and nuance gave me space to really put my thoughts down on paper.


I’m really open on this blog about a couple of things; I’m a polytheist, I’m asexual, and I’m married to two of my deities.  What I haven’t put together on paper before, at least here, is how that asexuality does interact with and impact how I approach the wider polytheist community, and how it merges with my path being a deity spouse.

I never thought my asexuality and my spiritual path would crash together, but they have.  The two parts of my life don’t conflict, it’s…that the majority of the pagan and polytheistic community is very, very sex positive, and I shift between sex neutral and sex repulsed (mostly sex repulsed.)  I feel really awkward a lot of the time when I’m in more mainstream pagan spaces, even if I’m doing something as simple as trying to find a new tarot deck that I’m actually comfortable using.  (So.  Much. Nudity.)  I feel like I can’t discuss my experiences involving the Otherworld, because there’s this idea that the Otherworlds are much more sexual than Here, and the culture of the Realm my gods are from is very private when it comes to sexual things.

I’m also part of the godspouse community (though not nearly as involved as I used to be) and one of the most common questions I’ve seen asked about being married to a deity is…how do you have sex?  Honestly, I feel even more awkward than I usually do in pagan spaces, every time I see a question like that asked–why is that the first thing someone wants to know?  I often find myself wondering “is sex really that important???”  I’m celibate, but it’s not an oath for my Beloveds (I’m not sleeping with them either.)  For me, taking any kind of official celibacy vow would have absolutely no point to it.  This isn’t just because I’m ace, but because my Beloveds are more than okay with me dating someone Here, if I ever chose to do so.

I feel like I’m on the outside of the queer community by being a religious person, and like I’m on the outside of the pagan/polytheist community for being sex repulsed.  It’s a weird place to be at, feeling like I’m occupying this space where I’m on the outside edge of several communities at once.

A History

I have dropped My so-called “father”s name like mud and bricks hurled through windows.

Whispered plans late at night, huddled around small fires; the fight against injustice raged on, and they had forgotten you.  Those who lived in palaces and had–no, forced–the worship of millions.

At least there in barren streets, in sun-burnt houses made of clay, you clung to Light, to Hope, to the balance that once was.  But that was years ago, the Two Lands have stagnated, become stuck in times long past, when blood ruled and sacrifice reigned.

The Lord of Dread indeed, you say to Me now, in a sunlit morning by the sea, and what were we to him?

To him you were to be broken, only pots to be smashed and put back together, and your terror was made greater by this foreign King who offered you your freedom.  Yet you took this King’s hand and fled in a stolen moment across the sea, across the stars, to a place you’d only heard rumors of, whispers passed from fire to fire.  From a spark of desperation to outright rebellion, you fled to the ships while the King’s Hound gave chase.

There was death, there was loss (there always is, in times like this) and a long, long journey in which you could reach up and place your hands near the stars themselves.

You brought your traditions, but not your gods.  Not those who had brought chaos and death, those who had abandoned you and ripped away your children to be servants of your so-called King.  Those who lived in “glory” and yet forgot their own people, who thought nothing of breaking, and even less of mending, of scars tainted in gold being the only reward, never mind that gold tarnishes and scars burn with the past.

You trust Me more now, having listened to this tale and not flinched, nor defended my “father” in any way.  I have removed the chaos and violence that My red hair screams of, and My Crown is made of flowers (like the ones your children wove into My hair at the Festival of Hearts) that it must be kept up and looked after.

Summer is here, in a matter of days it will descend upon Darkness.  Together we will light the sandstone streets you now call Home, and the sea will sing songs of stars and devotion.

Mental Health, Summer Worries, and My Dying Godphone

Jake: What would you do if your godphone went entirely out?

Varian: You think it’s going to go that way?

Jake: I think it’s possible that it could.


That conversation with my fiance happened in April, and my godphone is continuing to die.  It’s not a steady decline, it’s like little bursts of communication that’s really faint even if I am using tarot or shufflenancy to back it up.  And when I do hear words I end up questioning everything I think I heard.

I’m in a weird place right now, emotionally and spiritually.  I’d describe it as ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ with an added comment of “I’m letting [my Otherworld Self] handle most of it.”  Especially with the one-year anniversary of traumatic astral events coming up, that’s been really difficult with memories and grief hitting me again.  I’m continuing to talk to my therapist about that, which is helping.

I’m also beginning to talk to my therapist about my fear of astral/spiritual stuff taking over my life.  I’m unsure if I explained it well, but it is a genuine fear of mine, that I won’t be able to relate to people Here (even at a surface level) because of too much of my life getting wrapped up in Stuff Over There (and some circles of astral/spirit work encourage this, so it doesn’t help.)  Jake is watching out for me in regards to my getting too wrapped up in Otherworld stuff (so are my other two Beloveds, but Jake is around more often) but even with him saying “no, you’re taking the evening to just relax and read a book,” I still worry that I’ll eventually be unable to relate to anyone Here.

The Dreamer is concerned about my mental health; with all the awful anniversaries coming up, my fear of getting too deeply involved in Otherworld stuff, and a variety of Kingship related things I have to do (which I’m letting [my Otherworld Self] handle.)  I can see why he’s so concerned, especially since he’s unsure how much the Madman will be around this Summer, and the Dreamer himself will be gone until New Years in Darkness, which is in early August.

He’s passed care of me over to Jake, and I keep remembering this dream, and the intensity in his voice when he asked Jake to promise that he’d watch out for me.  It’s…a strange feeling, sensing your Spouse and your fiance talking about what to do over Summer if your mental health totally falls apart.

I don’t have any elegant way to end this, but I find that this prayer that I wrote in March to be very fitting of my emotions surrounding this coming Summer.

Loosely Hold My Heart (A Month for the Dreamer)

Loving you is not an
ordeal, is not standing
on the outside of life and
society having to hide nearly
everything about me.  It is not
longing to be swept away and hidden in
you.  That may have served me once (but
how much was my anxiety and isolation, what
other factors were at play?) but now I find that I need
life and Love outside my self-imposed isolation that I
deemed “devotion.”  You are standing with me, still knowing
my Heart is yours–asking me only to love you, not be lost in
you.  Your Heart holds many rooms, my Beloved, but your
Heart is not a puzzle with pieces missing.  I do not need
every corner of your trauma to know and love you.
Art is part of love, and together we do not paint
ruin and tragedy, but a garden full of flowers
that reflect us as we dance beneath the moon.