Anniversary (A Month for the Madman)

Through this past year, you have been my stability, my rock to stand on, my soft place to land.  You have been my guiding hand through blindness, through a fallow time when I felt my sanity slipping away, and you’ve held me close as I’ve come out the other side.  You’ve reminded me that you love me–all of me–and that you are always within my Heart.

Happy anniversary, Beloved, I love you. ❤


Sanity and Solid Ground, or, Life as a Mentally Ill Paranormal Romance Novel Protagonist (A Month for the Madman)

Michael’s post here inspired me to write this; the post confirmed my wondering about why the Madman has been a less frequent presence in my life lately, as well as inspiring some thoughts of my own.

I often joke that I’m the protagonist of a paranormal romance novel, but in my life Here I’m in the chapters of the book before the brooding hero sweeps the protagonist off their feet, and whisks them away from “ordinary” life, into the paranormal world.  [Now that I think about it, I haven’t read any paranormal romances where the mortal stays mortal, and has a “normal” life.  Maybe I should write one.]  The whole sacred marriage and Otherworld Self stuff, yeah I fell in love and got married to two gods, and I can travel to the Otherworlds if I wish to…but Here I’m still in college, and trying to figure out what I want to do with the degree I’m getting this December.  Job searching is still going to suck, divine Spouses or not.  I’m still legally blind and mentally ill; even with my Beloveds’ support and love, I still need my anti-psychotic medications to function day to day.

I’ve written about it in the past, how I’m now adjusting to my life being fully lived Here–my close connection to my Otherworld Self has been severed, and my ability to just fall into a trance at the drop of a hat is gone (which I am thankful for–spontaneously traveling Over There because I couldn’t pay 100% attention in class was not fun.)  At the same time, fully living Here has been such an adjustment, it’s like I’m suddenly realizing that Here I’m an ordinary person, just a regular guy who’s about to finish his first college degree, then hopefully get a job, and an apartment in the city.

Writing that felt like a bucket of cold water got dumped on me, to be honest.  It’s the strangest feeling, and difficult to explain, that feeling of what made me unique is suddenly gone–not that I enjoyed the hallucinations, my sense of reality shifting, or the violent intrusive thoughts–but now I have to pick up the pieces of my life Here, and try to gather up the words to describe what happened to me.  Having to a shattered, broken, sense of self is terrifying–thank the King of Shattered Conscious for Seroquel, because now that I’m on medication, I’m starting to feel like a whole person.

My Beloved is a god of madness and insanity–his nickname is the Madman, after all–but even more so, he’s a god of healing from those things.  When my metal health symptoms were at their worst, when I wasn’t on any sort of medication–having violent hallucinations, hating that I existed, and feeling like I was about to fly into a million shattered pieces if anyone so much as looked at me–he was there.  I was in a fallow time at the time of my breakdown, but I’m certain he was watching out for me; when I was being driven to the hospital, I got some songs that were eerily appropriate, songs of love and healing.  Songs of “you’ve got this, the doctors will care for you, I love you.”

My Beloveds are very aware that I have a life Here to live; the Dreamer reminds me that I can’t prove that he exists, and that I should have a life Here based on things that I know are real.  I’ve received what I consider proof to me that my Beloveds are real, but I can also see how all of this could be seen from the outside as one (very long) string of freaky coincidences.  My Beloveds have both said that if I ever get any tattoos involving them, that it should have another meaning beyond them (like flowers simply being pretty.)

Leaving behind what I refer to as the “astral vortex” has been difficult, it’s meant facing what a ordinary life I have Here, even though I’m married to two gods.  I’m beginning to become grateful for the ordinary-ness both Here and There, for the small moments of joy and Love that I share with my Beloveds.  My Beloveds and I joke that I live in what is possibly the calmest paranormal romance novel ever.  I’d take the quiet, peaceful life we all share together with our blended Families, over angst and saving them from their brooding souls any day.

A Blind Devotee to a Blind God (A Month for the Madman)

I believe I’ve mentioned it in passing once or twice on this blog, but I’m legally blind due to a retina in one eye not being attached (and it’s been this way since my birth, so there’s no fixing it.)  The Madman is heavily associated with blindness, having lost (then later regained) his eyes himself.  He not only works a lot with the blind community within Darkness, but he’s also very heavily invested in having me reach out and make friends among the blind community in my town.

When we were first getting to know one another, he’d stay with me during my cane training lessons that I was taking at the time.  This was both to keep me company, and to share something we had in common–our sight, or lack thereof.  These days, he’ll accompany me to my monthly low vision support group if he has the time, his hand quietly resting on my shoulder as I talk with my friends.

I’ve begun to offer my cooking to my Beloved when I make anything fancier than a microwaved meal.  I offer my Beloveds my meals regardless, but the act of cooking itself has become an offering for the Madman.  As a legally blind person, cooking can be difficult for me to do, since I have a hard time seeing when something is done, so it’s a very appropriate offering to the Blind King.  My Beloved is also associated with both creating and destruction, as well as with fire, which adds to the appropriateness of these offerings.

This also, in a way, goes into my Sacred Kingship path.  It’s not all Otherworld and astral work, it plays a role in my life Here as well.  Caring for my f/Family and those I love (both Here and There) falls under that role as well.  The Madman is, among many other things, a god of the Hearth, Heart, and Home, and he encourages me to show my love through my actions and the things I do.

A Small Ritual

Yesterday, I felt pulled to do a small ritual for Darkness–something I hadn’t felt pulled to do in several months.  At first, I took my pill box off my shrine, but didn’t feel right lighting the lantern until I put it back on.  I guess that means that the pill box is part of my shrine now.

I did a brief tarot reading, and I was reassured that I’m on the right path in focusing on my life Here and letting Darkness run without me.  To be honest, I’ve needed the continuing quiet on my astral radar, but knowing everything is going well Over There is good.

I’ve started interpreting the Pentacle suit in tarot to be referencing things/people Here, as opposed to Over There, in my style of reading.  I got mostly pentacle cards in the reading I did, but swords showed up a few times.  I interpreted the sword cards as continuing to tell me to let go of the idea of a life filled with woo astral stuff, which has been a continuing theme both in my readings and with my Beloveds.

Overall, it was nice to do a small 15-minute ritual.  It was nice to hear from Darkness again, though I’ve relaxed into the overall quiet on my godphone/astral radar.

My Better Me

Alternative Title: Varian Is Calling Himself Out On His Shit.

My journey into polytheism, being a godspouse, and (later still) sacred Kingship began when I was severely isolated.  I was physically isolated, I grew up in a rural area (and due to being legally blind, I can’t drive) but even more so emotionally isolated.  I now live in a more urban area, and am in college, but the self-imposed emotional isolated has remained.  I didn’t deliberately emotionally isolate myself, but those patterns that I developed over many years have stayed in place far beyond what’s necessary.

I got some divination back recently, and it confirmed that my connection to my Otherworld Self has been severed.  I’m unsure how I feel about this, even though I understand that it’s necessary.  It’s necessary because I’ve slowly realized over the last few months that I used the Otherworlds and my life There as a form of escapism and a way to avoid my life Here–and I’ve been doing that for years.  I’ve written about this before, wanting to give up Here for There, and rationally knowing that it’s a bad thing…but looking back at my private journal and seeing just how far back in time that longing goes, feels like a massive wake up call.

What I do now, I’m not entirely sure.  I have habits that I know I need to break, things that I know need to change.  I need to be much more present in my life Here, and simply have faith that my Otherworld Self can handle His side of things.  Maybe I should set up a schedule with my Beloveds of when we see each other, because otherwise I keep wondering if they’re with me or not, and that constant distraction isn’t good.

Even though I feel raw since writing about isolating myself (even if that isolation wasn’t deliberate) I’ve found that working on this entry, and acknowledging in public that I have a lot that I need to change, has helped me.  I’m going to end this here, and go get lunch before class starts.

A Quiet New Years

Yesterday was New Years in the Otherworlds.  I honestly expected to still be in the hospital, so I had absolutely no plans in advance.

It was a quiet day for me.  I spent some time with some f/Family members that I hadn’t seen in a while, and did a brief tarot reading to check in on how Darkness has been doing since I’ve been gone (my Otherworld Self has been handling my responsibilities.)  All the Summer Rituals went well, and so did the Wild Hunt.

I did a reading to check in with my People, and the final card I drew from them was the 3 of Swords.  The words that came to mind when I pulled that card were “We’re all healing, together.”

Silence (Godphone Update II), and Other Brief Updates

Back in May, I wrote a post saying that my abilities to sense, see, and/or hear my Beloveds–let alone anyone else–has been going down steadily since April.  My abilities dying…maybe finally happened?

I did some brief divination about all of this, and the reading was “everything Over There is fine, relax,” and that my godphone and abilities were bound to die sooner or later.  This…doesn’t surprise me, but the ongoing quiet is strange.

Two weeks ago, the Dreamer left for his Summer Duties in Darkness.  I’ve begun keeping a journal specifically for him when he’s gone over the Summer–he requested I do so through some divination I got–and it’s helped a lot.  I don’t know if he gets the letters as I write them, but writing to him has been helping with being unable to reach him any other way.

The Madman has been around when he can be, but his appearances are sporadic.  This makes sense, from what I know of the Dreamer’s Summer Duties, that his Spouse would be incredibly busy as well.

Jake is still around, which is comforting.  I’ve been spending time with his family and friends when I can–just brief visits, nothing intense–and they really are beginning to feel like family to me.