I mentioned in another post that my godphone is really weak right now, and it’s…strange.
I thought it was quiet before, it’s nearly silent now.
I can still do divination, and have been having Dreams about the Otherworlds (helping prepare for an upcoming Festival) over the past few nights. My godphone is simply…out of power, I guess.
As I’m typing this, I can sense the Madman sitting next to me. I can tell it’s him and that he’s here, but talking with him (without divination) would be difficult.
I’m not necessarily complaining about this, just observing that it’s the state my abilities are in at the moment.
Things Over There are continuing to Not Slow Down, and this poem is my attempt to write out all my frustrations and worries.
What is the line between upheaval,
general Otherworld fuckery,
and my discernment being off?
My anxiety screams that being pushed away,
pushed back Here, is a test to make me go in
further–and yet that makes no rational sense.
Where is the line, when do things go from upheaval,
to my discernment being overblown and possible
manipulation–but surely if it was the last one–
I would be needed Right Away, it would be yet another
bullshit Chosen One line about saving Darkness–not
being pushed back Here and told to say Here
because my emotional health is fragile.
I would be drawn even deeper Over There,
not told to ground and hold on to my mortal Beloved.
I’ve sat in the City of Lights and let the ordinary people
flow around me, and yet I am somber as tragedy presses
down upon my mind–I have no role in this, but still it makes
my Heart ache, and the Far Ones are correct, that I am
burning up–burning out–again, but how do I not do that?
How do I keep my Heart from becoming nothing but ashes?
Cultivate joy is the main takeaway I’ve gotten from a tarot reading I did with [the new god in my life.] I had been expecting an incredibly harsh reading, expecting the god to burn the remainder of my proverbial house down. While he did give me a bunch of Wand cards, which are connected to fire, the things he told me I need to leave behind were all connected to Otherworld trauma, and my isolating myself because of that trauma.
The next thing I have to do is figure out how to put that into practice.
A card [this deity] gave me called me out on still waiting for more traumatic things to happen, and that waiting for more horrible things to happen was leading to me falling into stagnation, rather than actually healing. J had said the same thing to me several days before that reading, that I was terrified with [new deity] approaching me. He said that I was using that fear as a reason to stall on making any decision about working with [this new god], or about where my path would go next.
I’ll admit to being confused when [new deity] gave me this song during a reading I did with him. It’s very much a worship song, and while [new deity] does want a formal relationship, he wants us to have a relationship as equals (as much as we can,) rather than as a god and a devotee.
It took listening to the song a few more times, before the point he was trying to get across sank in. He was referencing my deity “father” and all the past year’s trauma, how deeply that had hurt me; my “father” had said I was “the only one” who could Do The Thing, and with being approached by a recorded god for the first time in over a year, I was terrified that [new deity] would only use me.
This song was a way of [this new deity] reassuring me that not only was he aware of everything my “father” had put me through, but also telling me that my working with him (if I choose to do so) is going to be a team effort between us.
So, some bullet points of ideas on cultivating beauty, love, and joy, as well as actively working on healing
- Write more, either poetry or short stories
- Work on art, like drawing or knitting
- Spend time with my f/Family and f/Friends, both Here and Over There
- Spend time with my Otherworld Family that has nothing to do with devotion in a spiritual path sense
Updates, in bullet point format.
- The Dreamer and the Madman have been away for over a month now, and it’s been…an adjustment.
- I’ve interacted with them briefly during that time, but our conversations have been short and they can’t be around much.
- I miss them both, but I also understand why they’re gone [which is personal to them, so I won’t say any more.]
- I’m beginning to really understand why they’ve pushed independence so much over the time I’ve known them.
- I recently learned (thanks to one of my Allies) that in my practice sharing drinks with someone is a potentially very intimate thing.
- I didn’t notice it until [this Deity] pointed out that I only offered drinks to my Beloveds.
- I’m unsure if this is me-as-a-person thing, or if this is a Darkness related thing.
- My practice Here is (mostly) at a standstill again.
- I’ve found that I’m okay with that.
- J and I now have a date for our handfasting (April 7) as well as an officiant.
- The next thing to work on will be our vows.
- We also need to figure out just *how* public this ceremony will be.
- We’ll also work out if this will be only in the astral, or will I be bi-locating and with the two ceremonies (one Here, one Over There) taking place simultaneously.
Over the past week, I’ve begun to take some small steps to build my practice, especially since I realized I wanted my practice to have more structure rather than more formality. The first step I took was to rearranged my general shrine for Darkness. It’s still very simple (the only additions were a shrine cloth, and three white roses) and it’s been moved from my dresser to the top of a bookshelf by my bed.
The roses were first placed on the shrine as a symbol of life coming from ruin…and then while talking with a friend, I remembered that white roses are connected with Kingship in Darkness. That there are three roses could represent myself, the Dreamer, and the Madman as a triad (since all three of us are Kings.) I’ve gotten signs pointing to the three of us as a triad being Important to Darkness, somehow, but what that Importance means is something that will take time to learn.
The shrine isn’t *quite* complete yet; I’ve been getting signs that a lantern is needed, so I’ve finally ordered one. I’ve also ordered new candles, since it’s been made Very Clear that this lantern should use LED candles rather than actual fire. The LED candles have Significance beyond not lighting the shrine on fire; they’re a very *modern* thing, and Darkness is a very *modern* Realm. Having the candles be LED rather than fire symbolizes moving forward in to the future, rather than clinging to the past.
The Dreamer and the Madman are reflections of one another. This has been a constant theme, this complex relationship of friends, enemies, and lovers. They mirror one another, in both their Godly Power Sides, and in their “personal” sides.
I had a lot of Dreams last night involving the Madman, and the dreams involved his terrifying pop culture Face; thanks to those Dreams, I came up with yet another way him and the Dreamer reflect one another.
In Welcome to Night Vale, the Distant Prince (the Dreamer’s scary pop culture Face) is far away, in the Distance, and is never sought out. In Fallen London, Mr. Candles/Mr. Eaten (the Madman’s scary pop culture Face) is very close; in the game the player invokes Mr. Eaten in rituals and seeks him out by themselves.
Distance, closeness…yet another dichotomy between the two of them.
For a while now, I’ve been feeling like my practice (what practice I have right now) is missing something. I realized last night that it’s not more formality I want in my practice, but more structure.
Now, how I build structure around a group of gods with no written mythology, I’m at a loss. I have things I associate with them, and there are…spiritual paths that are specific to Darkness (religions Over There,) but I don’t feel comfortable using what little I know of those within my own practice.
I could ask J if he has any ideas, but he’s a monk [he’s been sending me that symbolism since he got back into my life] and that’s…a very different, more intense level of devotion than I deal with. I mean, he, of anyone, will have ideas, so I probably will end up asking him about stuff.
And there’s the Thing that my gods Do Not Want To Be Worshiped because they’re my Family before anything else, so how to add more structure with that restriction is something I’ll need to do divination on.
I think adding more structure will also maybe help with the you-must-always-be-doing-Otherworld-stuff-or-you’re-A-Bad-Devotee brain crap I’ve been struggling with lately. J said to me the other day that a practice doesn’t have to be devotional to a deity, it could be about grounding myself and my practice Here, which sounds like something I need right now.