All around me I see death; all paths seem to end there, all dreams seem to be shattered, to be labeled A Sacrifice, For Your Own Good.
I wonder if I am the only one whose gods abhor meaningless sacrifice, if the violent language that “devotion” is spoken about in is nothing but an echo chamber gone horribly wrong.
I wonder about the vortex of the Otherworlds that I have lost friends to, how easy it once was for me to slip away to the Otherworlds, and how now I am precariously clinging to my sanity, and trying to rebuild a life Here. My Beloveds and Queen have cut the threads that bound my Other Self and I together, for both of us, and we have found that we are happier apart.
“How does this impact my life Here?”
That’s become the main question I ask myself when it comes to the astral/Otherworld side of my practice. I’ve found that knowing how much something affects me Here helps me with knowing what to do next, in regards to whatever’s going on. This is especially true in regards to my Kingship practice, which does play a part in my life Here, but in a different way than it does Over There.
Yesterday, I felt pulled to do a small ritual for Darkness–something I hadn’t felt pulled to do in several months. At first, I took my pill box off my shrine, but didn’t feel right lighting the lantern until I put it back on. I guess that means that the pill box is part of my shrine now.
I did a brief tarot reading, and I was reassured that I’m on the right path in focusing on my life Here and letting Darkness run without me. To be honest, I’ve needed the continuing quiet on my astral radar, but knowing everything is going well Over There is good.
I’ve started interpreting the Pentacle suit in tarot to be referencing things/people Here, as opposed to Over There, in my style of reading. I got mostly pentacle cards in the reading I did, but swords showed up a few times. I interpreted the sword cards as continuing to tell me to let go of the idea of a life filled with woo astral stuff, which has been a continuing theme both in my readings and with my Beloveds.
Overall, it was nice to do a small 15-minute ritual. It was nice to hear from Darkness again, though I’ve relaxed into the overall quiet on my godphone/astral radar.
Back in May, I wrote a post saying that my abilities to sense, see, and/or hear my Beloveds–let alone anyone else–has been going down steadily since April. My abilities dying…maybe finally happened?
I did some brief divination about all of this, and the reading was “everything Over There is fine, relax,” and that my godphone and abilities were bound to die sooner or later. This…doesn’t surprise me, but the ongoing quiet is strange.
Two weeks ago, the Dreamer left for his Summer Duties in Darkness. I’ve begun keeping a journal specifically for him when he’s gone over the Summer–he requested I do so through some divination I got–and it’s helped a lot. I don’t know if he gets the letters as I write them, but writing to him has been helping with being unable to reach him any other way.
The Madman has been around when he can be, but his appearances are sporadic. This makes sense, from what I know of the Dreamer’s Summer Duties, that his Spouse would be incredibly busy as well.
Jake is still around, which is comforting. I’ve been spending time with his family and friends when I can–just brief visits, nothing intense–and they really are beginning to feel like family to me.
I mentioned in another post that my godphone is really weak right now, and it’s…strange.
I thought it was quiet before, it’s nearly silent now.
I can still do divination, and have been having Dreams about the Otherworlds (helping prepare for an upcoming Festival) over the past few nights. My godphone is simply…out of power, I guess.
As I’m typing this, I can sense the Madman sitting next to me. I can tell it’s him and that he’s here, but talking with him (without divination) would be difficult.
I’m not necessarily complaining about this, just observing that it’s the state my abilities are in at the moment.
Things Over There are continuing to Not Slow Down, and this poem is my attempt to write out all my frustrations and worries.
What is the line between upheaval,
general Otherworld fuckery,
and my discernment being off?
My anxiety screams that being pushed away,
pushed back Here, is a test to make me go in
further–and yet that makes no rational sense.
Where is the line, when do things go from upheaval,
to my discernment being overblown and possible
manipulation–but surely if it was the last one–
I would be needed Right Away, it would be yet another
bullshit Chosen One line about saving Darkness–not
being pushed back Here and told to say Here
because my emotional health is fragile.
I would be drawn even deeper Over There,
not told to ground and hold on to my mortal Beloved.
I’ve sat in the City of Lights and let the ordinary people
flow around me, and yet I am somber as tragedy presses
down upon my mind–I have no role in this, but still it makes
my Heart ache, and the Far Ones are correct, that I am
burning up–burning out–again, but how do I not do that?
How do I keep my Heart from becoming nothing but ashes?
Cultivate joy is the main takeaway I’ve gotten from a tarot reading I did with [the new god in my life.] I had been expecting an incredibly harsh reading, expecting the god to burn the remainder of my proverbial house down. While he did give me a bunch of Wand cards, which are connected to fire, the things he told me I need to leave behind were all connected to Otherworld trauma, and my isolating myself because of that trauma.
The next thing I have to do is figure out how to put that into practice.
A card [this deity] gave me called me out on still waiting for more traumatic things to happen, and that waiting for more horrible things to happen was leading to me falling into stagnation, rather than actually healing. J had said the same thing to me several days before that reading, that I was terrified with [new deity] approaching me. He said that I was using that fear as a reason to stall on making any decision about working with [this new god], or about where my path would go next.
I’ll admit to being confused when [new deity] gave me this song during a reading I did with him. It’s very much a worship song, and while [new deity] does want a formal relationship, he wants us to have a relationship as equals (as much as we can,) rather than as a god and a devotee.
It took listening to the song a few more times, before the point he was trying to get across sank in. He was referencing my deity “father” and all the past year’s trauma, how deeply that had hurt me; my “father” had said I was “the only one” who could Do The Thing, and with being approached by a recorded god for the first time in over a year, I was terrified that [new deity] would only use me.
This song was a way of [this new deity] reassuring me that not only was he aware of everything my “father” had put me through, but also telling me that my working with him (if I choose to do so) is going to be a team effort between us.
So, some bullet points of ideas on cultivating beauty, love, and joy, as well as actively working on healing
- Write more, either poetry or short stories
- Work on art, like drawing or knitting
- Spend time with my f/Family and f/Friends, both Here and Over There
- Spend time with my Otherworld Family that has nothing to do with devotion in a spiritual path sense