Loosely Hold My Heart (A Month for the Dreamer)

Loving you is not an
ordeal, is not standing
on the outside of life and
society having to hide nearly
everything about me.  It is not
longing to be swept away and hidden in
you.  That may have served me once (but
how much was my anxiety and isolation, what
other factors were at play?) but now I find that I need
life and Love outside my self-imposed isolation that I
deemed “devotion.”  You are standing with me, still knowing
my Heart is yours–asking me only to love you, not be lost in
you.  Your Heart holds many rooms, my Beloved, but your
Heart is not a puzzle with pieces missing.  I do not need
every corner of your trauma to know and love you.
Art is part of love, and together we do not paint
ruin and tragedy, but a garden full of flowers
that reflect us as we dance beneath the moon.

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Union (A Month for the Dreamer)

“We are not one person. How lonely that would be! A couple who has made themselves one so completely, that they are once again alone.

We are two people, separate. Unique. And joined only where we choose to join.”

–Welcome to Night Vale, “The University of What It Is.”


My Spouse and I often listen to music or podcasts together, and Welcome to Night Vale holds a special place in both our Hearts.  That quote is something he sometimes says to me, a reminder that we’re two separate people.

That’s been the ongoing theme of this month of writing for the Dreamer, to not lose myself in him, that we are not one person.

I didn’t begin writing with this theme in mind, it simply came up along the way–like when I wrote for the Madman, and the theme that eventually evolved was on not being broken by him.

Thank you, Beloved, for helping me put my thoughts on paper.

Godspousery 101

My friend O. recently asked me about being a godspouse, and what it means to me; my response was longer than a simple WordPress comment, so I ended up making a separate post for it.


How do you interpret godspousery–is it domestic or magic-focused?

In my practice, being a godspouse simply means that I’m married to the Dreamer and the Madman.  It doesn’t come with any particular roles attached to it–my sacred Kingship path is separate from my deity Beloveds, though they do support me and offer advice if I need it.

My relationships with my Beloveds are very domestic focused.  I’ve written about this before, how both of them want me to focus on them as people, rather than who they are as gods.  They both have referred to me as being their Home, that I’m someone in their lives where they can put their Crowns down and relax (which the Dreamer has talked about before.)

What are the differences between deity and spirit marriage?

The main difference is that Jake is able to be around a lot more.  The Dreamer and the Madman are often really busy with Duties associated with keeping Darkness running smoothly.  Their Jobs can take up a lot of their time, and both of them being Kings is something that impacts not only how much time we can spend together, but how they see the world as well.

What do you provide your spouses and what do they provide you?

The main thing I provide them with, as I wrote about above, is with companionship and love.  I see their more personal sides, and I also provide balance for them, just as they help balance me.

What they provide for me is the same, companionship, friendship, and love.  So many of our interactions are so ordinary that it’s difficult to describe being a godspouse in terms of a mystical experience.

What kind of offerings do you make a spouse, verses general deity worship?

I actually don’t worship any of my deities.  I’ll occasionally write poetry to them or talk to them, and I keep a running eshrine, but worship isn’t something I do.

I keep a shrine to my Spouses together, which has their icons, prayer beads, a candle, and small items that remind me of them (or that remind them of each other.)  This shrine is separate from my general Darkness shrine, and I tend to pray at my Spouses’ shrine more often.  I don’t have a shrine for Jake, since he’s not a god or spirit, but he does have a small area on my bookshelf that’s his.  That has his drinking glass (for formal offerings), prayer beads, his oracle deck, and a crystal that reminds me of him.

I share coffee with my Beloveds in the morning if they’re around (though Jake prefers tea over coffee.)  Unless an offering of food is specifically requested, that’s the extent of my food and drink offerings in my practice.

Another thing I’ll do for my Beloveds is art, either of them or their family.  Sometimes I’ll draw places Over There (lately I’ve been drawing different types of flowers that are native to Darkness) or use drawings to help process stuff that happened in the Otherworld.  The Dreamer is an artist himself, so he’ll often sit with me and offer advice, or we’ll just work on art together.


How I view being a godspouse has changed a lot in the past four years.

It has impacted my spiritual path, quite a bit.  It impacts who I can and cannot deal with Over There, as well as what kind of relationships I can have with deities from other Pantheons.  It’s brought me closer to my Beloveds’ families; it’s taught me about chosen families, and about love in all its forms.

Being a godspouse has gone from something that I thought had to be really intense, to mostly being my Beloveds and I just spending time together (both as a couple/triad, and with our families) when our schedules permit it.  Some really intense things have happened, but the majority of the time our relationship(s) are about supporting and loving one another.

Losing A Name: Two Years Later

The Dreamer requested this post; he wanted me to write a piece reflecting on how the past two years of my path–since he revealed to me that he wasn’t a recorded god–have impacted me.


It was the day after the Spring Equinox, that my Spouse asked me to pull out his tarot deck and do a reading; he had something to tell me.  Slowly, card by card, he revealed that all the shifts and changes–some large, some small–over the past nine months were leading up to one thing; he was not the god I thought he was.

When he had laid all his cards on the table (pun fully intended) he said that it was up to me, how I handled this and where our path together–if we even would have a path together–went next.  He said that if I wished to leave him, that he would understand and respect my decision to separate–to the point that he would undo all energetic and magical bonds between us during the course of that separation.

While he did later release me from the oath I had given him, we made a mutual decision–after a rough period of difficult conversations, discussions with our families [this was before him and his father were estranged,] and a few shouting matches–to give our marriage a chance to continue.

It’s been approximately two years now, since my Beloved revealed to me that he wasn’t who I first knew him to be.  At the time, it was an absolutely devastating revelation, since I’d felt like the rug had been ripped out from under me–but at the same time, so many little (and big) discrepancies between [who I first knew the Dreamer to be] and who I know him to be (both as a person and as a god,) began to made sense.  Those differences weren’t something I understood in an instant, it was something that came about gradually.  There were some that had been rather obvious–the Dreamer detests dark, death related things, and [who I’d first known him to be] was a god heavily connect to death–while others were much more subtle.

He didn’t suddenly drop the information on me out of nowhere, it had been developing since late June of the previous year.  Several new associations, new epithets, a shift in appearance, the beginning of the pop culture side of my devotion to him…looking back, it seems obvious that he was not only showing me that he wasn’t [who I thought he was] but that he was from a very different, and much more modern, Realm than I had first believed him to be.

There have been many changes in my path with him, in these past two years, as well as changes in how I see him.  What hasn’t changed, in all the ups and downs, is that he’s still my Spouse, still my Beloved.  Even as my path with him ebbs and flows, our love and support for one another is still a constant thing.

A Conversation with the Dreamer, About Marriage

I used to think your Love was brutal,
that you wanted my Heart ripped
to shreds and stitched back together
in the name of Love and marriage.

No, dearest one.  You thought that devotion
meant being on fire and running yourself ragged,
that giving me your Heart meant bringing yourself
down in order to lift me up; I won’t stand for that
anymore; I never did, you know that now, my Beloved.

Looking back I see that now, but when being “on fire”
was the “proper” way to worship a god, when the way to
be married to one was to sacrifice and give everything–

What, I’m supposed to push all your limits?  Test all your fears
for the “greater good” of your well being?  Make myself the center of
your very world–when you were never given that space to yourself?
Your Heart is not my canvas to paint upon, dearest one, it is your own.

My anxiety is screaming at me, that you’re supposed to turn harsh–
you look so confused–that you’re going to be angry at me for “failing”–

I’ve been away, dearest one; why the fuck would I care what you did when
I’m gone?  You’re handling yourself well, you’re smiling, you’re happy.  You’ve
surrounded yourself with friends and family, you know now you’re not alone.

I once thought loving you was supposed to hurt–but now I know it isn’t.

Pain never comes from true love, dearest one.
We are not a tragedy, my Dark Star.

(A Reminder To Myself)

My anxiety has turned up to 11 over the last few days, about my deity Beloveds being gone.  I’m unsure if this is because of everything going on in my Kingship path, or if it’s just That Time on the Anxiety Roller Coaster (though I’m leaning towards the latter.)  So I’m writing this piece as a way to refute the brain screaming.


This is not a test of faith, or a test of seeing how much love I have for you; neither of you would be so cruel as to set me up to fail by pushing me into another’s arms.  You would not remind me that Love is Light, that Love is infinite, only to use that love to “test” me.

Neither of you are jealous gods.  You hold my Heart, yes, but you hold it loosely, give my Heart room to breathe, room to grow without you.  You understand that I have things I love beyond you, and that having those things does not mean that I love you any less.

You do not ask that I give all of my life to you–there is a difference between hyperbole and the language of oaths, and my obsessive thought patterns demand things be taken literally, that I must be “on fire” or I have failed.  “Faith and ebbs and flows,” you said to me, gently leading me back into my own world, pressing a kiss to my forehead and telling me to go to sleep.

It’s missing you that makes my Heart ache, not my love for you.

You love for me, and mine for you, is not a tragedy.