Silence (Godphone Update II), and Other Brief Updates

Back in May, I wrote a post saying that my abilities to sense, see, and/or hear my Beloveds–let alone anyone else–has been going down steadily since April.  My abilities dying…maybe finally happened?

I did some brief divination about all of this, and the reading was “everything Over There is fine, relax,” and that my godphone and abilities were bound to die sooner or later.  This…doesn’t surprise me, but the ongoing quiet is strange.

Two weeks ago, the Dreamer left for his Summer Duties in Darkness.  I’ve begun keeping a journal specifically for him when he’s gone over the Summer–he requested I do so through some divination I got–and it’s helped a lot.  I don’t know if he gets the letters as I write them, but writing to him has been helping with being unable to reach him any other way.

The Madman has been around when he can be, but his appearances are sporadic.  This makes sense, from what I know of the Dreamer’s Summer Duties, that his Spouse would be incredibly busy as well.

Jake is still around, which is comforting.  I’ve been spending time with his family and friends when I can–just brief visits, nothing intense–and they really are beginning to feel like family to me.



Asexuality and My Spiritual Path (Carnival of Aces)

This month’s Carnival of Aces topic is Complexity and Nuance.

I ended up writing about how my asexuality plays a part in my spiritual path.  I’ve written about this in passing, but the topic of complexity and nuance gave me space to really put my thoughts down on paper.

I’m really open on this blog about a couple of things; I’m a polytheist, I’m asexual, and I’m married to two of my deities.  What I haven’t put together on paper before, at least here, is how that asexuality does interact with and impact how I approach the wider polytheist community, and how it merges with my path being a deity spouse.

I never thought my asexuality and my spiritual path would crash together, but they have.  The two parts of my life don’t conflict, it’s…that the majority of the pagan and polytheistic community is very, very sex positive, and I shift between sex neutral and sex repulsed (mostly sex repulsed.)  I feel really awkward a lot of the time when I’m in more mainstream pagan spaces, even if I’m doing something as simple as trying to find a new tarot deck that I’m actually comfortable using.  (So.  Much. Nudity.)  I feel like I can’t discuss my experiences involving the Otherworld, because there’s this idea that the Otherworlds are much more sexual than Here, and the culture of the Realm my gods are from is very private when it comes to sexual things.

I’m also part of the godspouse community (though not nearly as involved as I used to be) and one of the most common questions I’ve seen asked about being married to a deity is…how do you have sex?  Honestly, I feel even more awkward than I usually do in pagan spaces, every time I see a question like that asked–why is that the first thing someone wants to know?  I often find myself wondering “is sex really that important???”  I’m celibate, but it’s not an oath for my Beloveds (I’m not sleeping with them either.)  For me, taking any kind of official celibacy vow would have absolutely no point to it.  This isn’t just because I’m ace, but because my Beloveds are more than okay with me dating someone Here, if I ever chose to do so.

I feel like I’m on the outside of the queer community by being a religious person, and like I’m on the outside of the pagan/polytheist community for being sex repulsed.  It’s a weird place to be at, feeling like I’m occupying this space where I’m on the outside edge of several communities at once.

Loosely Hold My Heart (A Month for the Dreamer)

Loving you is not an
ordeal, is not standing
on the outside of life and
society having to hide nearly
everything about me.  It is not
longing to be swept away and hidden in
you.  That may have served me once (but
how much was my anxiety and isolation, what
other factors were at play?) but now I find that I need
life and Love outside my self-imposed isolation that I
deemed “devotion.”  You are standing with me, still knowing
my Heart is yours–asking me only to love you, not be lost in
you.  Your Heart holds many rooms, my Beloved, but your
Heart is not a puzzle with pieces missing.  I do not need
every corner of your trauma to know and love you.
Art is part of love, and together we do not paint
ruin and tragedy, but a garden full of flowers
that reflect us as we dance beneath the moon.

Union (A Month for the Dreamer)

“We are not one person. How lonely that would be! A couple who has made themselves one so completely, that they are once again alone.

We are two people, separate. Unique. And joined only where we choose to join.”

–Welcome to Night Vale, “The University of What It Is.”

My Spouse and I often listen to music or podcasts together, and Welcome to Night Vale holds a special place in both our Hearts.  That quote is something he sometimes says to me, a reminder that we’re two separate people.

That’s been the ongoing theme of this month of writing for the Dreamer, to not lose myself in him, that we are not one person.

I didn’t begin writing with this theme in mind, it simply came up along the way–like when I wrote for the Madman, and the theme that eventually evolved was on not being broken by him.

Thank you, Beloved, for helping me put my thoughts on paper.

Godspousery 101

My friend O. recently asked me about being a godspouse, and what it means to me; my response was longer than a simple WordPress comment, so I ended up making a separate post for it.

How do you interpret godspousery–is it domestic or magic-focused?

In my practice, being a godspouse simply means that I’m married to the Dreamer and the Madman.  It doesn’t come with any particular roles attached to it–my sacred Kingship path is separate from my deity Beloveds, though they do support me and offer advice if I need it.

My relationships with my Beloveds are very domestic focused.  I’ve written about this before, how both of them want me to focus on them as people, rather than who they are as gods.  They both have referred to me as being their Home, that I’m someone in their lives where they can put their Crowns down and relax (which the Dreamer has talked about before.)

What are the differences between deity and spirit marriage?

The main difference is that Jake is able to be around a lot more.  The Dreamer and the Madman are often really busy with Duties associated with keeping Darkness running smoothly.  Their Jobs can take up a lot of their time, and both of them being Kings is something that impacts not only how much time we can spend together, but how they see the world as well.

What do you provide your spouses and what do they provide you?

The main thing I provide them with, as I wrote about above, is with companionship and love.  I see their more personal sides, and I also provide balance for them, just as they help balance me.

What they provide for me is the same, companionship, friendship, and love.  So many of our interactions are so ordinary that it’s difficult to describe being a godspouse in terms of a mystical experience.

What kind of offerings do you make a spouse, verses general deity worship?

I actually don’t worship any of my deities.  I’ll occasionally write poetry to them or talk to them, and I keep a running eshrine, but worship isn’t something I do.

I keep a shrine to my Spouses together, which has their icons, prayer beads, a candle, and small items that remind me of them (or that remind them of each other.)  This shrine is separate from my general Darkness shrine, and I tend to pray at my Spouses’ shrine more often.  I don’t have a shrine for Jake, since he’s not a god or spirit, but he does have a small area on my bookshelf that’s his.  That has his drinking glass (for formal offerings), prayer beads, his oracle deck, and a crystal that reminds me of him.

I share coffee with my Beloveds in the morning if they’re around (though Jake prefers tea over coffee.)  Unless an offering of food is specifically requested, that’s the extent of my food and drink offerings in my practice.

Another thing I’ll do for my Beloveds is art, either of them or their family.  Sometimes I’ll draw places Over There (lately I’ve been drawing different types of flowers that are native to Darkness) or use drawings to help process stuff that happened in the Otherworld.  The Dreamer is an artist himself, so he’ll often sit with me and offer advice, or we’ll just work on art together.

How I view being a godspouse has changed a lot in the past four years.

It has impacted my spiritual path, quite a bit.  It impacts who I can and cannot deal with Over There, as well as what kind of relationships I can have with deities from other Pantheons.  It’s brought me closer to my Beloveds’ families; it’s taught me about chosen families, and about love in all its forms.

Being a godspouse has gone from something that I thought had to be really intense, to mostly being my Beloveds and I just spending time together (both as a couple/triad, and with our families) when our schedules permit it.  Some really intense things have happened, but the majority of the time our relationship(s) are about supporting and loving one another.

Losing A Name: Two Years Later

The Dreamer requested this post; he wanted me to write a piece reflecting on how the past two years of my path–since he revealed to me that he wasn’t a recorded god–have impacted me.

It was the day after the Spring Equinox, that my Spouse asked me to pull out his tarot deck and do a reading; he had something to tell me.  Slowly, card by card, he revealed that all the shifts and changes–some large, some small–over the past nine months were leading up to one thing; he was not the god I thought he was.

When he had laid all his cards on the table (pun fully intended) he said that it was up to me, how I handled this and where our path together–if we even would have a path together–went next.  He said that if I wished to leave him, that he would understand and respect my decision to separate–to the point that he would undo all energetic and magical bonds between us during the course of that separation.

While he did later release me from the oath I had given him, we made a mutual decision–after a rough period of difficult conversations, discussions with our families [this was before him and his father were estranged,] and a few shouting matches–to give our marriage a chance to continue.

It’s been approximately two years now, since my Beloved revealed to me that he wasn’t who I first knew him to be.  At the time, it was an absolutely devastating revelation, since I’d felt like the rug had been ripped out from under me–but at the same time, so many little (and big) discrepancies between [who I first knew the Dreamer to be] and who I know him to be (both as a person and as a god,) began to made sense.  Those differences weren’t something I understood in an instant, it was something that came about gradually.  There were some that had been rather obvious–the Dreamer detests dark, death related things, and [who I’d first known him to be] was a god heavily connect to death–while others were much more subtle.

He didn’t suddenly drop the information on me out of nowhere, it had been developing since late June of the previous year.  Several new associations, new epithets, a shift in appearance, the beginning of the pop culture side of my devotion to him…looking back, it seems obvious that he was not only showing me that he wasn’t [who I thought he was] but that he was from a very different, and much more modern, Realm than I had first believed him to be.

There have been many changes in my path with him, in these past two years, as well as changes in how I see him.  What hasn’t changed, in all the ups and downs, is that he’s still my Spouse, still my Beloved.  Even as my path with him ebbs and flows, our love and support for one another is still a constant thing.