Changing Aspects Are Melting My Brain

I’m just writing to put words down on paper, and to maybe get some ideas from other people.  I’ve had brain melting stuff happen before–for fuck’s sake, I went from knowing my deities as recorded gods to unrecorded gods, so why is a shift in focus like this breaking my gods damned brain so much???

The change that’s going on in my practice right now is that the Queen–who I most often refer to as “Mother Death”–wants to drop the “death” part of that, and for me to focus on her as Mother, and as a goddess of Family and Home.

I have no idea why, but my Queen shifting aspects on me–even though I know at least part of the reason why–is brain breaking for me?

Tbh I’m just as baffled as to why I’m having brain melting feelings, as to the shift in aspect.  Maybe I should get an outside reading on this?

Research Help?

Today I did my full moon tarot reading, and got called out on focusing on the Queen as Death, and reminded that she’s also a goddess of family and home.  I should maybe be focusing on those aspects more than on Herself-as-Death.

On that subject, of focusing on my Queen’s other aspects–especially her as a Mother goddess, as a goddess of Family and Home–does anyone know of any sources on deities like that, that aren’t full of T/E/RF// bullshit?

I know she’s an unrecorded deity, but I have a feeling I should be looking for outside sources as well.

That’s…A Lot of Coffee

So as I wrote about in my last post, I promised the Queen some fancy coffee, in exchange for her helping me through this final week at my job at call center hell.

Except…I think I overestimated how much coffee is in a pound of coffee.

It’s chocolate flavored, which surprised me that she selected that one. It is just sweet enough that I can tolerate drinking it black (which is how she likes her coffee, and I eat my offerings of food) though I think it tastes better with at least some milk and sugar in it.

I explained to her that I overestimated how much coffee there would be, and could it be expanded to be offerings for the Royal Family, instead of just her? She said that was fine, so it’s now my morning coffee offering for my deity Beloveds, as well as being for her.

I sent that picture to a friend of mine, who laughed and said “it looks like you’ll be working with her for a while.”

My Life Right Now

I also posted this over at my blog for the Queen [link.]

Me, before I became a polytheist: I’ve always been drawn to death related stuff, but have never explored it. I kind of want to, but it’s scary.

Me now, praying to Death: *slides a cup of black coffee her way* Okay Mom, idk why you like this stuff with no flavor, but help me get through this next week of my job, and I’ll buy you some special bitter bean juice of your choice.

*********

And upon promising her some special coffee of her choice for helping me get through my final week of my call center job from hell, her twin’s response was a blend of horror and laughter. He knows just how bitter she likes her coffee.

Writing Plans

Over the month of September, the Queen wants me to study the runes. A poem or prose piece a day, until I’ve worked through all 25 (with some room to move the schedule around, if I’m traveling or don’t have time.) Yes, she does want me to add the blank rune in, even though I know that’s a modern invention, and not historical–oh. Right. Modern culture stuff is like, my entire path. *faceplam*

During October, we’ve talked about doing the Month of Written Devotion challenge (I typically write for the Madman during October, but he’s the one who suggested this idea to me in the first place.) I’ll be taking the trial run version of my Oath to her at the end of the month, so that’ll be a nice way to prepare.

I think I’ll do these writings for the Queen over on her blog [link] so follow that one if you want to see these writing projects.

Devotee Thoughts (II)

I did a reading this morning with the Queen, since she wanted to give me more information on my eventual Oath to her. She told me that the Oath is more about making her the center of my spiritual practice, since she’ll be the only deity I worship. (She’s not asking to be the only deity I worship, that’s just how things are working out.)

We’ve agreed to do a trial run of the Oath for a year before I Officially take it. So this Halloween I’ll give her a “trial run” version of the Oath, to see how it works for me, to show her that I can keep my word on this, and to be certain that I can keep up with my daily devotions to her.

I’ve been doing daily prayers for the Queen, one in the morning and one in the evening, since late May. Aside from a few days when I’ve been sick–I have a taboo [link] about doing anything spiritual when I’m ill–I’ve kept up with the prayers.

I do want to eventually buy a ring to signify the Oath. I’m not sure what kind of ring that will be, I want something I can wear every day, I do know that.

Feeling Like I’m Beginning Again

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m back at the very beginning of my path.  I know I’m not, really, because I’ve known the Queen for almost six years now–but that feeling of being at the start of a new journey lingers.  Except this time, I know about the gods, about their morals and values (rather than starting from the group up on research,) and this time it’s an unrecorded path and pantheon.

Part of the Queen’s faith is focused on creativity, so I’m getting back into writing.  I’ve been meaning to do that for a while now, and I’ve taken the story to the writer’s group when I’m stuck on it.  Which brings me to the other major thing that’s part of her faith–community, and more importantly, asking for help when I need it.

I’ve talked plenty of times before about how I struggle with isolation, as well as with asking for help.  I feel–at least right now–like I’m starting to do better on that.  I’m currently writing this at the library, both to get out of the house, as well as getting better wi-fi to work on my job hunt.

So far, walking the Queen’s path has been more about improving my life Here, which is just what I need right now.  My active devotional practice is simply the morning and evening prayers to her, along with the occasional coffee offering when she wants to do a larger divination session.  Even though I feel like I’m back at the beginning of my path, it feels like where I need to be.