Among other star themed songs that my Beloveds have played for me, “Watching for Comets” is one of the Madman’s songs for me.
It’s a song that resonated with me, but at the time I was still in the dark about my past life I’d spent with him and the Dreamer. But listening to this now, knowing what I do, it’s a much more emotional song.
They lost me–but my Beloveds searched across the universe, and they found me again.
Slowly we begin to delve into the archives of time and memories and lives gone by.
And we see that the more we peel back, the more layers we find.
Betrayal upon betrayal.
How far back does this deceit and hatred go?
How much must my Family endure before it’s over?
I thought I was Done before.
I am Even More Done now.
This drama now involves three Pantheons (the third Pantheon being the Gods that are a step above my Husbands in their Realm.)
This sucks, especially since all divination I’ve done is pointing to waiting until the Dreamer gets back to take action.
I understand why we need him to be with us when we get this whole Mess solved; this affects him deeply as well. With his Job working the way it does in Summer, he can’t just say “there’s a Family emergency, I have to go.”
I’ve had my suspicions confirmed about all this blowing up when the Dreamer is gone being on purpose.
This isn’t any sort of Ordeal or trial, this is simply my so-called (deity) father being horrible to me and my Family, because he thinks it will make me go back to him and his Pantheon so I’ll fulfill my “destiny.”
There’s about a month and a half until the Dreamer returns.
I’m scared and exhausted.
I just want this to be over.
There is a sheet of wood in the basement with holes from throwing stars, and one you always carry with you, to remind you that I’m safe.
There is paint and herbs, alchemy and magic; your father gets lost in painting (I do not comment on how he is nearly out of red) a way to channel his rage without burning an entire Kingdom down in fury for what was done to me.
You have stuck to me like a shadow since I was brought home; you are a young teen now; old enough to understand what happened to the man both your fathers fell in love with, old enough to know I have no family now besides the three of you.
You sit at my side, your eyes so much like my own (and how my Heart would break when I’d see that shared shade of green in another life, but not knowing why) going from me, to your father, and back. To the red of his canvas, hints of gold and black; he has painted the fire he so wishes to burn; there is rage in his eyes when he sees how I am hurt, how I am healing.
Our lives should have been different (we should have been planning a wedding) with my coming here. But it was ruin that brought me here; ruin and jailbreak and long nights with the three of you surrounding me; at my side through the night for fear of me dying; for fear of me being stolen yet again.
Is there hope that our small Family will not be torn apart by rage and grief?
In moments like this I can feel it; a small flame flickering at the edges of our Hearts.
As I mentioned in previous posts, I’ve recently gotten some Major Truth Bombs dropped on my head regarding past lives. Both that I had one (I had been told that I had lived before, and that I had not; it turns out that how the two Pantheons consider my “life” to have ended is different) and what the content of that past life was.
Which means that I have found myself in one hell of an Otherworld drama mess.
The short version is that a member of the Pantheon who let me go last year has suddenly decided (after nearly a year of silence) he wants me back. The way he’s going about it is actually making me want to have even less to do with him and his Pantheon. When I’ve reached out to other members of this Pantheon to see if I could get some help, I’ve gotten complete silence (and the one offer of help I have gotten I’m side-eyeing, because I’ve got a feeling there’s strings attached.)
The timing of all of this is incredibly suspicious, because the Dreamer is away. His Job gets incredibly busy over the Summer season so he’s totally Over There (in his Realm) until Autumn. He knows what’s going on, but he can’t do anything until he gets back; I do know he’s Very Displeased with all this drama exploding, especially while he’s gone.
Since all this has started, the Madman has been emphasizing (through both tarot and shufflemancy) that we’re a team. He’s determined to stay with me through all this drama, and my Husband has been sending me signs of his reassurance and love while the rest of my spiritual life feels like it’s falling apart. The rest of our Family is also supportive (and understands if this drama explosion turns me away from astral/Otherworld stuff even more.)
I was in the process of rearranging my practice so that it was more focused on my life Here, and all this drama has made me want to go back to the quiet practice that I had been building for myself.
Right now I feel confused and stuck, and not really sure what to do (other than stick close to my chosen Family and hope nothing escalates before the Dreamer gets back.)
They had broken in on a
twilight evening; a silent
ambush in the name of love
on silent feet to a waiting ship they ran,
with their Beloved cradled in their arms
(they carried him; he could not run anymore)
they fled across the Desert
and the King’s Hound followed
in pursuit of his own brother.
I recently got some major Truth Bombs dropped on me regarding past lives. I’ll be writing poetry to work through my mixed emotions.
He told me in his Kingdom
I would never wear white;
my Love draped me in blue
the colors of the Sky and Sea.
I fell in love; first with him, then
his Kingdom, with a Place where my
life would never be arranged, where
my so-called “destiny” could not touch me.
But now it is back, and again I will flee
(for a thousand lives if need be)
flee once again across the sky and sea,
until my Heart finds Home.