For The Past (IV)

TW for a brief mention of suicide in this poem


It sounds like a story, doesn’t it?
The King’s son, and the King’s servant
but our tale has no happy endings.

You rescued me so many times–from prison,
from leaping off a bridge to my death, from
the life cloaked in secrecy I lived in the Desert.

(You didn’t expect that, did you?
That being Royalty came with a mask, and
honor meant keeping your mouth shut.)

You stayed with me through the nightmares,
ran with me through the catacombs of my fears
held my hand tightly, telling me to follow your lead.

We stood beneath the stars, and you held me close;
by the River’s edge you gave me a ring of silver, and
whispered that your Heart would always be mine.

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Further

Recently I’ve begun to spend more time with someone from my past life, and it feels…really weird.  The main reason it feels weird is because of the complex history and bonds between us; I knew this person for a long time, and we went through a lot of things together, before our friendship ended.

I’ve had several gods tell me that we should work out whatever bond is there left over from our past, as that bond isn’t going to go away.  The Far Ones got a lot of glaring from me when They pointed out that healing this past life relationship is another part of the healing They want me to do.

I’d met this person before (and I knew he was from my past,) but when he stepped up and offered to help me on my sacred Kingship path…my response was to get pissed off, and to start metaphorically throwing things at him.  This isn’t my normal reaction to new people within my spiritual life at all, so I did a tarot reading with him about our past together, trying to figure out why I was so mad.

I’d known that we’d both lived in the Duat, that we’d been close friends (despite our very different backgrounds,) and that he’d fled with me when I was escaping.  That was about all I knew, and the reading we did together helped shed some light on it–both the past, and on why I was so angry with him.  The reading also confirmed some things I already knew (but it was nice to have more confirmation on.)

The question now is…where do we go from here?


I asked him for a song, and he gave me this one.  It’s a sad song, but considering what I know of our past, I can see why he chose it.

At the end of days, at the end of time
When the sun burns out will any of this matter?
Who will be there to remember who we were?
Who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us?

And in retrospect I’ll say we’ve done no wrong
Who are we to judge what’s right and what has purpose for us?
With designs upon ourselves to do no wrong,
Running wild unaware of what might come of us

The sun was born and so it shall die
So only shadows comfort me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me
Each day shall end as it begins
And though you’re far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

Without a thought I will see everything eternal
Forget that once we were just dust from heavens far
As we were forged, we shall return perhaps someday
I will remember us and wonder who we were

The sun was born and so it shall die
So only shadows comfort me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me
Each day shall end as it begins
And though you’re far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

Watching for Comets (A Month for the Madman)

Among other star themed songs that my Beloveds have played for me, “Watching for Comets” is one of the Madman’s songs for me.

It’s a song that resonated with me, but at the time I was still in the dark about my past life I’d spent with him and the Dreamer.  But listening to this now, knowing what I do, it’s a much more emotional song.

They lost me–but my Beloveds searched across the universe, and they found me again.

Exhaustion (II)

Slowly we begin to delve into the archives of time and memories and lives gone by.

And we see that the more we peel back, the more layers we find.

Betrayal upon betrayal.

How far back does this deceit and hatred go?

How much must my Family endure before it’s over?

Exhaustion

I thought I was Done before.

I am Even More Done now.

This drama now involves three Pantheons (the third Pantheon being the Gods that are a step above my Husbands in their Realm.)

This sucks, especially since all divination I’ve done is pointing to waiting until the Dreamer gets back to take action.

I understand why we need him to be with us when we get this whole Mess solved; this affects him deeply as well.  With his Job working the way it does in Summer, he can’t just say “there’s a Family emergency, I have to go.”


I’ve had my suspicions confirmed about all this blowing up when the Dreamer is gone being on purpose.

This isn’t any sort of Ordeal or trial, this is simply my so-called (deity) father being horrible to me and my Family, because he thinks it will make me go back to him and his Pantheon so I’ll fulfill my “destiny.”

There’s about a month and a half until the Dreamer returns.

I’m scared and exhausted.

I just want this to be over.

For the Past (III)

There is a sheet of wood in the basement with holes from throwing stars, and one you always carry with you, to remind you that I’m safe.

There is paint and herbs, alchemy and magic; your father gets lost in painting (I do not comment on how he is nearly out of red) a way to channel his rage without burning an entire Kingdom down in fury for what was done to me.

You have stuck to me like a shadow since I was brought home; you are a young teen now; old enough to understand what happened to the man both your fathers fell in love with, old enough to know I have no family now besides the three of you.

You sit at my side, your eyes so much like my own (and how my Heart would break when I’d see that shared shade of green in another life, but not knowing why) going from me, to your father, and back.  To the red of his canvas, hints of gold and black; he has painted the fire he so wishes to burn; there is rage in his eyes when he sees how I am hurt, how I am healing.

Our lives should have been different (we should have been planning a wedding) with my coming here.  But it was ruin that brought me here; ruin and jailbreak and long nights with the three of you surrounding me; at my side through the night for fear of me dying; for fear of me being stolen yet again.

Is there hope that our small Family will not be torn apart by rage and grief?

In moments like this I can feel it; a small flame flickering at the edges of our Hearts.

Past Life Shenanigans and Otherworld Drama

As I mentioned in previous posts, I’ve recently gotten some Major Truth Bombs dropped on my head regarding past lives.  Both that I had one (I had been told that I had lived before, and that I had not; it turns out that how the two Pantheons consider my “life” to have ended is different) and what the content of that past life was.

Which means that I have found myself in one hell of an Otherworld drama mess.

The short version is that a member of the Pantheon who let me go last year has suddenly decided (after nearly a year of silence) he wants me back.  The way he’s going about it is actually making me want to have even less to do with him and his Pantheon.  When I’ve reached out to other members of this Pantheon to see if I could get some help, I’ve gotten complete silence (and the one offer of help I have gotten I’m side-eyeing, because I’ve got a feeling there’s strings attached.)

The timing of all of this is incredibly suspicious, because the Dreamer is away.  His Job gets incredibly busy over the Summer season so he’s totally Over There (in his Realm) until Autumn.  He knows what’s going on, but he can’t do anything until he gets back; I do know he’s Very Displeased with all this drama exploding, especially while he’s gone.


Since all this has started, the Madman has been emphasizing (through both tarot and shufflemancy) that we’re a team.  He’s determined to stay with me through all this drama, and my Husband has been sending me signs of his reassurance and love while the rest of my spiritual life feels like it’s falling apart.  The rest of our Family is also supportive (and understands if this drama explosion turns me away from astral/Otherworld stuff even more.)

I was in the process of rearranging my practice so that it was more focused on my life Here, and all this drama has made me want to go back to the quiet practice that I had been building for myself.

Right now I feel confused and stuck, and not really sure what to do (other than stick close to my chosen Family and hope nothing escalates before the Dreamer gets back.)