A Reading

When I do a tarot reading with my Beloveds, I read the cards like a story (unless they say otherwise) with the cards I draw building on each other to create meaning.  I use both traditional tarot meanings, and intuition, to interpret the cards.

The three of us sit around the table, my morning offerings of coffee in hand, and a deck of tarot cards spread out before us.

The Hanged Man, III of Cups

The cards tell us to seek peace with one another.  They also warn that peace will not be found in sacrifice and grand gestures, but in honestly supporting one another.

VIII of Cups, IX of Pentacles

This only drives the point home that the first cards made, to be honest and open with one another.  The cards say that admitting where we went wrong and knowing when we’ve made a mistake is a needed skill to have in a marriage, especially in rough times like we’re facing now.

X of Wands, Page of Wands

These cards speak of my fear that I’ve ruined my marriages, of all my anxieties and broken feelings that have come rushing to the surface lately.  The cards speak of my feelings like I need to be more to my Husbands, and one my of Beloveds reminds me that I had been miserable, and had created distance between us, the last time I tried to force myself to be someone I’m not in our marriage.

My other Beloved says that if I need the three of us to simply be close friends who are married, rather than romantic partners, that he’s fine with that (the other god is nodding in agreement; they had agreed that a shift like that was needed, for all of us.)  He reminds me that there is not a hierarchy between friendship and romantic love, and that they both still love and care for me deeply.

Content (A Month for the Madman)

He doesn’t want to break me, that’s the theme that’s been coming up over and over again during this month of writing for him; that he’s content with our relationship as it is.  He wants to help me heal and grow, yes, but that’s because he loves me.

The things he’s taught me most in the year we’ve been together, is about gentleness in Love, and in being content in what we have.

When we sit at my shrine at the end of the day and talk, he asks me to speak out loud to him, even if it’s only in a whisper.  He also understands if I don’t have the energy, or the words, or if my voice is making me feel particularly dysphoric that day.

He’s content for us to sit in silence.  He’s content if my only words are “goodnight” and “I love you.”  (Especially “I love you.”)

My Wish (A Month for the Madman)

It’s really started sinking in now, just how badly the summer Otherworld Drama-fest has hurt me.  Logically, I know the next thing I need to do is to heal and move on.  I’m just really, really unsure how to do that (especially since so many intense things happened so quickly.)

My Husband refuses to pull the I’m A God card–one of my greatest fears in all of this, is that my Beloved would use all the Drama bullshit as some sort of fucked up initiation rite, or that I’d suddenly get tossed back into Otherworld stuff way before I’m ready.

*Varian feels a wave of sorrow rolling off his Husband*

He’s giving me space and time to heal.  He’s said before, that everything Otherworld related can wait; and that with what I’ve been through, it should wait.  My anxious brain has been screaming at me that I’ve ruined the Otherworlds for the next million years, and my Beloved has been reassuring me that no, I did not.

There’s been variations of this conversation going on over the past few days.

Varian: I feel like I should–[be doing more/suddenly be Totally Healed emotionally/feeling more remorse/other bullshit my Husband has been helping me realize isn’t true]

the Madman: *holds up a hand*

the Madman: Varian, you lost your entire Family [of origin] because of this.  They turned their backs on you, and they would have still abandoned you, even if you had taken on the consequences they tried to push on you.

My practice at the moment has been simply lighting a candle at my bedside shrine in the evening and talking with my Husband about our days.  I’ve been offering him coffee in the morning, and writing here, but that’s about it right now.

He understands that that’s all I have the energy and motivation for, and I’m very grateful for that.  Right now his goal concerning me is that I heal as best as I can, and he’s promised to be by my side through all of it.

(This song was running through my head the entire time I was writing this post.)

Small Revelations (A Month for the Madman)

I had a revelation this morning while making coffee, and I don’t even know what prompted the thought.

Simply that I realized this morning that I’ve come really far in not comparing myself to others in having a “better” or “worse” devotional practice.  Maybe it’s that I’m dealing with unrecorded deities, so there are no “other” devotees to compare myself to.

But really, I think it’s because I’ve matured in my practice enough that I feel secure in it–and I actually do feel secure in it, not just saying that I do.  Which is something my Beloved has had as a goal for me to strive for, that I feel secure in my relationships and spiritual practice.

Thanks, Beloved.  I love you.  ❤

The Journey (A Month for the Madman)

I. The Destroyer

I first met you three summers ago, on a stormy July night, whispers of poetry, flowers, and red seeds falling from your hands.

Our affair was only for a summer, yet my Heart hurt when you left.

Perhaps I was in love with you even then.

II. Wanderer

It was two years later you returned, with a spear in your hand, and all the rage in the world in your silver eyes, in the storm you wrapped me in as my life fell apart.

Hold on, you whispered in my ear.  Keep living, keep loving; sit with me and simply breathe, you said.  You cannot be taken from him, no matter what hatred is thrown at you.

You simply kept me company (you had no lessons then, simply a shoulder to lean on) and that was enough to save my life.

III. Granter of Wishes

Another year would pass, and you would return, again when my life fell apart.

This time it was my Heart that was broken, and you listened to me rage and grieve at my god’s name being taken away.

You told me stories, told me of the Road and Masks; though I did not understand as I do now (and there is still so much to learn.)

IV. Beloved

Slowly like rose petals unfurling, I came to love you.

We walked through the Void and in-between places, and you gave me nine roses shining like sunlight on satin.

Our hands (and Hearts) were bound in late October, with our Families as witnesses.  But that was only one more step, Beloved, in the journey of our lives together.

Where You Are (A Month for the Madman)

This is one of the Madman’s songs for me.  Not only is it a love song, but it also acknowledges the distance between us, with the two of us living on totally (mostly) separate planes of existence.

I did join the race
Hunting for success
Selling dreams was all I knew
For the rising stars my important part
All my feelings are with you

Where I am
Where you are

And I changed my life
And I moved outside
Where the water is clear and pure
Where the lands are wide
Where the air is bright
All my feelings are with you

Where I am
Where you are

And I walk up the hill
And I can’t stand still
‘Till the day of our last rendez-vous
And the leaves turn red
And I bow my head
All my feelings are with you

Where I am
Where you are

I Am A Stone (A Month for the Madman)

I’ve referred to the Madman as one of the cornerstones of my faith before, and that’s never been more true than now.  Even though my mental health has been in the process of falling apart for some time (which isn’t helped by the current Otherworld Drama-fest) he’s still with me.  He’s very much encouraging me to find completely mundane ways to get my mental health under control (like therapy,) rather than getting any deeper involved in spiritual stuff.

He’s told me that he, his Family, and the Otherworlds have been around a long, long time; they can wait.  The spirits in the Otherworld can wait.  Astral traveling and exploring the Otherworlds can definitely wait (I dissociate very easily, which is a disaster in the making when combined with astral travel.)  He’s said that once all this Otherworld drama is over, if I need to set up an intentional fallow time, he completely understands.

I recently found a heart shaped stone with the word “joy” carved into it, on the shrine overflow space of my bookshelf.  I’ve stared carrying the stone with me, rather than my prayer beads (I’m both open and private about my beliefs.)  It’s something that reminds me of the Madman, our marriage, and his role in my life.

He’s helping me find joy even when it feels like everything else in my life is tumbling down.  He’s helping me remember that Love is infinite, and that healing sometimes means allowing scars to fade.