I used to think your Love was brutal,
that you wanted my Heart ripped
to shreds and stitched back together
in the name of Love and marriage.
No, dearest one. You thought that devotion
meant being on fire and running yourself ragged,
that giving me your Heart meant bringing yourself
down in order to lift me up; I won’t stand for that
anymore; I never did, you know that now, my Beloved.
Looking back I see that now, but when being “on fire”
was the “proper” way to worship a god, when the way to
be married to one was to sacrifice and give everything–
What, I’m supposed to push all your limits? Test all your fears
for the “greater good” of your well being? Make myself the center of
your very world–when you were never given that space to yourself?
Your Heart is not my canvas to paint upon, dearest one, it is your own.
My anxiety is screaming at me, that you’re supposed to turn harsh–
you look so confused–that you’re going to be angry at me for “failing”–
I’ve been away, dearest one; why the fuck would I care what you did when
I’m gone? You’re handling yourself well, you’re smiling, you’re happy. You’ve
surrounded yourself with friends and family, you know now you’re not alone.
I once thought loving you was supposed to hurt–but now I know it isn’t.
Pain never comes from true love, dearest one.
We are not a tragedy, my Dark Star.
My anxiety has turned up to 11 over the last few days, about my deity Beloveds being gone. I’m unsure if this is because of everything going on in my Kingship path, or if it’s just That Time on the Anxiety Roller Coaster (though I’m leaning towards the latter.) So I’m writing this piece as a way to refute the brain screaming.
This is not a test of faith, or a test of seeing how much love I have for you; neither of you would be so cruel as to set me up to fail by pushing me into another’s arms. You would not remind me that Love is Light, that Love is infinite, only to use that love to “test” me.
Neither of you are jealous gods. You hold my Heart, yes, but you hold it loosely, give my Heart room to breathe, room to grow without you. You understand that I have things I love beyond you, and that having those things does not mean that I love you any less.
You do not ask that I give all of my life to you–there is a difference between hyperbole and the language of oaths, and my obsessive thought patterns demand things be taken literally, that I must be “on fire” or I have failed. “Faith and ebbs and flows,” you said to me, gently leading me back into my own world, pressing a kiss to my forehead and telling me to go to sleep.
It’s missing you that makes my Heart ache, not my love for you.
You love for me, and mine for you, is not a tragedy.
This is a post I never expected to write.
I never thought I’d write about my Beloveds leaving–being gone briefly, yes, but not leaving my life completely.
I’ve mentioned in other posts that they’ve been more distant lately, that there are things going on in the Otherworlds that have had their full attention. This is true, but there’s more going on than that (I feel vulnerable enough simply stating that they’ve left, so I won’t say what their reason for leaving is/was.)
I have a timeline of how long they’re going to be gone for, and it’s for much longer than usual. I may get small signs from them, but they’re going to be mostly out of the picture as far as my spiritual life is concerned, until their return.
We will always be in your Heart, they said, and you will be in ours.
I want to write more but don’t know what, just that I feel numb, and sad.
This is…not the way I expected (or wanted) the year to end.
I just wanted to write a brief post explaining what was going on.
Sometimes love means allowing the loved one to walk away, to give them space for them to walk the abandoned pathways of their own Heart, and to listen when they say “you cannot follow me in this.”
“Do not find me,” the loved one says.
This is not your battle, his silence says, this is not your pain, your burden, to take on.
He embraces you before he leaves, his hair cut shorter than it’s ever been. You watch through tear blurred eyes as he walks away, to unknown destinations. You cannot–will not–follow him, even as he takes a part of your Heart away with him, further with every step he takes.
You do not know who he is going to be when he returns to you.
All you know, is that you will love him.
Sometimes love means letting go of who you thought you knew was in the stars.
Today’s the fourth anniversary of the Dreamer and I exchanging wedding vows.
It’s been a quiet day today, we’re just spending time together and enjoying each other’s company.
Happy anniversary, Beloved.
I wish I could reach back in time, that I could prevent the things you still wake screaming from nightmares about.
I wish I could reach into your mind and catch those dreams before they come, simply hold you close to me while we sleep, and not wonder if tonight your dreams will be steeped in fire and blood.
I wish I could erase everything that ever hurt you.
The three of us have found our ways back to each other; though this past year was a storm, we still hold each other’s Hearts as close as we ever have.
We need this, this quiet moment simply curled together by the fireside, wrapped in blankets and each other, the three of us listening to our Hearts beat.
In whispers new vows are shared between us, in a language I speak only in my dreams, but when I wake I feel you wrapped around me, and I know that I am even more yours.