This is a post I never expected to write.
I never thought I’d write about my Beloveds leaving–being gone briefly, yes, but not leaving my life completely.
I’ve mentioned in other posts that they’ve been more distant lately, that there are things going on in the Otherworlds that have had their full attention. This is true, but there’s more going on than that (I feel vulnerable enough simply stating that they’ve left, so I won’t say what their reason for leaving is/was.)
I have a timeline of how long they’re going to be gone for, and it’s for much longer than usual. I may get small signs from them, but they’re going to be mostly out of the picture as far as my spiritual life is concerned, until their return.
We will always be in your Heart, they said, and you will be in ours.
I want to write more but don’t know what, just that I feel numb, and sad.
This is…not the way I expected (or wanted) the year to end.
I just wanted to write a brief post explaining what was going on.
Sometimes love means allowing the loved one to walk away, to give them space for them to walk the abandoned pathways of their own Heart, and to listen when they say “you cannot follow me in this.”
“Do not find me,” the loved one says.
This is not your battle, his silence says, this is not your pain, your burden, to take on.
He embraces you before he leaves, his hair cut shorter than it’s ever been. You watch through tear blurred eyes as he walks away, to unknown destinations. You cannot–will not–follow him, even as he takes a part of your Heart away with him, further with every step he takes.
You do not know who he is going to be when he returns to you.
All you know, is that you will love him.
Sometimes love means letting go of who you thought you knew was in the stars.
Today’s the fourth anniversary of the Dreamer and I exchanging wedding vows.
It’s been a quiet day today, we’re just spending time together and enjoying each other’s company.
Happy anniversary, Beloved.
I wish I could reach back in time, that I could prevent the things you still wake screaming from nightmares about.
I wish I could reach into your mind and catch those dreams before they come, simply hold you close to me while we sleep, and not wonder if tonight your dreams will be steeped in fire and blood.
I wish I could erase everything that ever hurt you.
The three of us have found our ways back to each other; though this past year was a storm, we still hold each other’s Hearts as close as we ever have.
We need this, this quiet moment simply curled together by the fireside, wrapped in blankets and each other, the three of us listening to our Hearts beat.
In whispers new vows are shared between us, in a language I speak only in my dreams, but when I wake I feel you wrapped around me, and I know that I am even more yours.
Today is my first anniversary with the Dreamer and the Madman.
They didn’t ask for this picture as a present–considering everything we’ve been through together this year (it’s been…one hell of a year, it’s been rough in multiple ways,) they said the three of us simply spending time together was more than enough of a gift.
I wanted to draw them together, because I don’t have any artwork *of* them, and our anniversary felt like a good time to change that.
(Mechanical pencil [outline,] colored pencil)
I want to write something deep and profound about what being married to them for a year has meant for the three of us, but I…don’t have any words to describe what that experience has been like.
It’s been absolutely incredible to have these two at my side.
Happy anniversary, Beloveds.
I love you. ❤
Since it’s Asexuality Awareness Week, I thought I’d re-write an old poem of mine.
I wrote the original poem in December of 2014, back when I was first figuring out that I’m asexual. I was trying to figure out how being asexual worked with my deity marriage (at the time I was only with the Dreamer) and this poem was the result.
I decided to re-write the poem completely, since so much has changed within the past three years. My relationships have been through a lot of changes in that time, and I wanted the new poem to reflect that.
This is for the Dreamer, the Madman, and J. I love all of you.
I find you in the stillness of quiet mornings
hear you whisper in the wind, see you walking
through the fog, your long hair swirling behind you.
I sense you curled around me as I read, you hold me
as I fall asleep, and that is enough for me, to simply
hold you close, listen to your soft breathing as you dream
whatever dreams gods from between the stars have.
It’s enough to know you’re in my Heart, to hear your laughter
and see you smile. We snuggle close on chilly Autumn evenings,
playfully arguing over blankets and books to read. Holding you
close by firelight as our Hearts beat in time is all we need between us.
For us, intimacy is our Hearts being open
to all that we are, and our souls being open
to whatever we may become together.