A Dream of Leaving

Quietly, he tells me that he is leaving.

Our marriage isn’t over, he reassures me.  It’s that the Consequences of this Summer’s Drama have spiraled far beyond his control, and he must tend to his Kingdom and People before all else.

I tell him that I understand.  I will miss him, have been missing him already with him being gone so much, but I understand that being King is not something he can just put down.

I reach out to hug him, and freeze when my fingers brush empty air.  He steps back so I can see him clearly, and I see that his once waist-length hair now only reaches his shoulders.

There are only two reasons why a Sovereign of Darkness cuts their hair.

The first reason is that war has been declared; the second is that they are in mourning.

He nods to my unspoken question.  He had warned me this was coming, this loss, this grief of his.  It’s part of the reason why he’s been away so much, he knows I would take his grief and internalize it as my own.  This is a loss he needs to process privately.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“There’s nothing you can do, dearest Heart,” he replies.  “I will have Others watching over you, but this,” he tugs what’s left of his hair, “is something you cannot help with.”

“I can support–”

“Varian.”  He sighs, holds up a hand.  “I love you, honey, but the best thing for you to do right now is focus on your schoolwork.”

“And healing–”

“No.  You’re still too close to that trauma.  I’d rather your wounds be healed as best as they can, before you start poking around at all that trauma.  Do you understand me?”

“Yes.”

He steps closer to me, his arms slipping around my waist.

“Do not hurt yourself,” he says, his voice low and intense.  “Do not break what’s left of your Heart in order to satisfy some absurd demand that you need to be broken in order to heal.  You are not glass.”  His gold eyes flash when he says the last sentence.

I nod, unsure what to say in response to that.

He sighs and lays his forehead against my own.

“You are my Heart,” he whispers, “and no matter how much they smear your name, I will protect you as my own.  I’ll stand by you, no matter how much they drag your name through the mud.”  There is anger in his voice now, anger and tears.

I wrap my arms around him and he lays his head against my shoulder.  We hold each other close, knowing this might be our last embrace for a long time.

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Astral Trauma, and Timely Music from the Dreamer

At the moment I’m frustrated, mainly at myself.  I’ve been Told to “rest and heal” I don’t know how many times anymore by e/Everyone I know Over There, and I’ve been wondering how the fuck do I even do that?

It’s been…difficult, processing and trying to heal from what happened this Summer.  I’ve spent the past few months going through several crisis of faith, realizing I’ve got gods only know how many repressed memories about all of this, having nightmares about what happened (and a lot of the nightmares I can’t remember,) yelling a lot at various p/People Over There, and having panic attacks when I learned about the ongoing Political fallout Over There.


I saw the Dreamer very briefly this afternoon, and my brain started giving me yet another what-if-I-ruined-the-Otherworlds/what-if-my-marriages-are-over themed panic attack (thanks, nightmares -_- .)

My Husband, shufflemancy expert that he is, sent this song my way.

When you came back I knew you’d have a story
You need someone to ease the pain of living life
You’re like a soldier in the fray, seeking shelter
from all the madness that you’ve seen raining down now

I sat there staring at my laptop, feeling the lyrics of the song sinking in.

“Is it really that bad,” I asked him, “is it that noticeable that I’ve Seen Some Shit?”

He didn’t answer in words, but I felt sorrow rolling off him.

I know things change, your world has slipped away
I know things change, but you’re living like a soldier who’s caught in the fray
Don’t lose your faith, it’s not so cold, it’s not too late

When you were naive you were so invincible
and you laughed at anyone and anything that ever got in your way
But now the mirror shows the change and you don’t see that
you’re sinking back into the crowd, an echo fading

I nodded; the song put into words how I’d been feeling for several weeks now.  My Otherworld self had been placed in a safe space to heal, and I wished I could join Him in solely focusing on mending my Heart.

I felt the Dreamer’s hand run through my hair; it was often how he let me know he was around.  This time the gesture was meant to convey comfort, as well as affection.

With this hand, I will lift your sorrows.

The line from our wedding vows slipped into my mind, and I grasped his hand, squeezing it tightly.

And you can look inside of me
but the answers that you seek
and everything you need
is all inside you

“Yeah I know,” I said.

“Dearest one….” I felt his hand on my cheek.  “I’ll be there for you,” he softly said, “I may be away right now, because I’m busy with what’s going on Over There, so is [the Madman].  We still love you, both of us do.”  He looked over at the gray stone I carry with me.  “And you have [J’s name], he loves you as well.  You’re not alone.”

I know things change, your world has slipped away
I know things change, but you’re living like a soldier who’s caught in the fray
Don’t lose your faith, it’s not so cold, it’s not too late

I don’t even know where I’m going with this entry anymore, just that I’m very glad my Husband sees and understands my trauma.  It’s a weird sort of happiness, to be glad he’s not pulling the I’m A God card (a fear I’ve talked about before) that he’s allowing me to heal at my own pace.

Thank you, Beloved, for lifting my sorrows.

A Reading

When I do a tarot reading with my Beloveds, I read the cards like a story (unless they say otherwise) with the cards I draw building on each other to create meaning.  I use both traditional tarot meanings, and intuition, to interpret the cards.


The three of us sit around the table, my morning offerings of coffee in hand, and a deck of tarot cards spread out before us.

The Hanged Man, III of Cups

The cards tell us to seek peace with one another.  They also warn that peace will not be found in sacrifice and grand gestures, but in honestly supporting one another.

VIII of Cups, IX of Pentacles

This only drives the point home that the first cards made, to be honest and open with one another.  The cards say that admitting where we went wrong and knowing when we’ve made a mistake is a needed skill to have in a marriage, especially in rough times like we’re facing now.

X of Wands, Page of Wands

These cards speak of my fear that I’ve ruined my marriages, of all my anxieties and broken feelings that have come rushing to the surface lately.  The cards speak of my feelings like I need to be more to my Husbands, and one my of Beloveds reminds me that I had been miserable, and had created distance between us, the last time I tried to force myself to be someone I’m not in our marriage.

My other Beloved says that if I need the three of us to simply be close friends who are married, rather than romantic partners, that he’s fine with that (the other god is nodding in agreement; they had agreed that a shift like that was needed, for all of us.)  He reminds me that there is not a hierarchy between friendship and romantic love, and that they both still love and care for me deeply.

Content (A Month for the Madman)

He doesn’t want to break me, that’s the theme that’s been coming up over and over again during this month of writing for him; that he’s content with our relationship as it is.  He wants to help me heal and grow, yes, but that’s because he loves me.

The things he’s taught me most in the year we’ve been together, is about gentleness in Love, and in being content in what we have.

When we sit at my shrine at the end of the day and talk, he asks me to speak out loud to him, even if it’s only in a whisper.  He also understands if I don’t have the energy, or the words, or if my voice is making me feel particularly dysphoric that day.

He’s content for us to sit in silence.  He’s content if my only words are “goodnight” and “I love you.”  (Especially “I love you.”)

My Wish (A Month for the Madman)

It’s really started sinking in now, just how badly the summer Otherworld Drama-fest has hurt me.  Logically, I know the next thing I need to do is to heal and move on.  I’m just really, really unsure how to do that (especially since so many intense things happened so quickly.)

My Husband refuses to pull the I’m A God card–one of my greatest fears in all of this, is that my Beloved would use all the Drama bullshit as some sort of fucked up initiation rite, or that I’d suddenly get tossed back into Otherworld stuff way before I’m ready.

*Varian feels a wave of sorrow rolling off his Husband*

He’s giving me space and time to heal.  He’s said before, that everything Otherworld related can wait; and that with what I’ve been through, it should wait.  My anxious brain has been screaming at me that I’ve ruined the Otherworlds for the next million years, and my Beloved has been reassuring me that no, I did not.

There’s been variations of this conversation going on over the past few days.

Varian: I feel like I should–[be doing more/suddenly be Totally Healed emotionally/feeling more remorse/other bullshit my Husband has been helping me realize isn’t true]

the Madman: *holds up a hand*

the Madman: Varian, you lost your entire Family [of origin] because of this.  They turned their backs on you, and they would have still abandoned you, even if you had taken on the consequences they tried to push on you.


My practice at the moment has been simply lighting a candle at my bedside shrine in the evening and talking with my Husband about our days.  I’ve been offering him coffee in the morning, and writing here, but that’s about it right now.

He understands that that’s all I have the energy and motivation for, and I’m very grateful for that.  Right now his goal concerning me is that I heal as best as I can, and he’s promised to be by my side through all of it.

(This song was running through my head the entire time I was writing this post.)

Small Revelations (A Month for the Madman)

I had a revelation this morning while making coffee, and I don’t even know what prompted the thought.

Simply that I realized this morning that I’ve come really far in not comparing myself to others in having a “better” or “worse” devotional practice.  Maybe it’s that I’m dealing with unrecorded deities, so there are no “other” devotees to compare myself to.

But really, I think it’s because I’ve matured in my practice enough that I feel secure in it–and I actually do feel secure in it, not just saying that I do.  Which is something my Beloved has had as a goal for me to strive for, that I feel secure in my relationships and spiritual practice.

Thanks, Beloved.  I love you.  ❤

The Journey (A Month for the Madman)

I. The Destroyer

I first met you three summers ago, on a stormy July night, whispers of poetry, flowers, and red seeds falling from your hands.

Our affair was only for a summer, yet my Heart hurt when you left.

Perhaps I was in love with you even then.

II. Wanderer

It was two years later you returned, with a spear in your hand, and all the rage in the world in your silver eyes, in the storm you wrapped me in as my life fell apart.

Hold on, you whispered in my ear.  Keep living, keep loving; sit with me and simply breathe, you said.  You cannot be taken from him, no matter what hatred is thrown at you.

You simply kept me company (you had no lessons then, simply a shoulder to lean on) and that was enough to save my life.

III. Granter of Wishes

Another year would pass, and you would return, again when my life fell apart.

This time it was my Heart that was broken, and you listened to me rage and grieve at my god’s name being taken away.

You told me stories, told me of the Road and Masks; though I did not understand as I do now (and there is still so much to learn.)

IV. Beloved

Slowly like rose petals unfurling, I came to love you.

We walked through the Void and in-between places, and you gave me nine roses shining like sunlight on satin.

Our hands (and Hearts) were bound in late October, with our Families as witnesses.  But that was only one more step, Beloved, in the journey of our lives together.