(A Memory, from the Madman)

“Go, if you
need to,”
my words
are soft.

My love, you
are not a King now;
these four white walls
cannot hold a soul

in this much
pain
without
screaming.

This has torn you apart
I can see that, and I
will still love you
beyond your ruins.

I will stay
with you
until
dawn.

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Beginnings

During the Hunt, you fell in love
with a man with eyes of burning gold.

He watches you as you study the stars
his eyes soft with affection (you do not
know it yet, but he loves you to.)

In these moments when he is not a King,
and you are not his guide to the frenzy
of the Wild Hunt. Those in-between times
are when your feelings become known.

“If you could have anything at all,” you asked him.
He smiled; he said he’d like a kiss, and for both of you
to stay together (if that were possible when this journey ended.)

This is how your love story begins, in
a quiet moment sitting by the fireside.

Traveler’s Memories

I wish I could step inside your memories.
To feel the train rumbling beneath my feet, as
the two of you plot wherever you’re off to next, pouring
over maps in the grand adventure that is your life together.
Where are you going now–in this fragment in time?

In this moment you are both young; simply wanderers,
best friends, and lovers that no one can separate.
Is this before death and sorrow tore you apart?
Before the sea became your refuge, before the crown
was a heavy weight you gladly chose to bear?

Your hands trace the map like you
have the entire world at your feet
(you are a Prince, of course you do)
and all of eternity to explore it.
With the person you love most at your side.

Right now you are simply together
two young men in love, with autumn’s
beauty speeding by, with the train lulling
you to sleep, with your head on his chest,
and his heart beating in your dreams.

One Bright Soul In This Emptiness

Back when the Madman was courting me, he was also courting the Dreamer.  Watching two gods fall back in love with one another was an experience I didn’t have words for at the time–and still don’t.  Our marriages–both theirs and mine to them individually–are made up of little sacred moments, and the three of us are building a life together out of that.

There’s a lot that’s going on, a lot that I could say about sacred marriage and how it’s helped me grow as a person.  I could talk about how my two Husbands have brought balance to my life, and how I act as a sort of focal point to the two of them.  But at the same time, I want to keep those things close to me, and our marriages private.

I will share this song, though.  It reminds me of both of my Husbands individually, of the marriages we have between us, and of the three of us as a triad.

Hush, if we’re quiet now
You can read it in my eyes
Have faith in the weathered hearts
Clinging to our bones
A nervous glance that we call home

Love, I can hold you when you fall
Lie in this darkness with me
Til we’re one bright soul in this emptiness

Crash, the wreckage black and white
A life the lips of sleep have kissed
Can’t erase the crimson nights of bliss
The perfect dream of us
A fragment held when all seems lost

Love, I can hold you when you fall
Lie in this darkness with me
Til we’re one bright soul in this emptiness

Memories

They’re showing me more of themselves, more of their shared past.  This is mainly through music–their entire playlist is about their past.  I recently figured out that their playlist tells a story.  I’ve got most of it in the correct order, and now it’s even more heartbreaking and beautiful to listen to.

Their memories show how their relationship has evolved and changed over the (many)  years.  They come in glimpses, small moments in time that were still pivotal to their relationship.  The main thing seeing their memories has confirmed is that they’ve been involved in each other’s lives for much longer than I originally thought they were.


“Why are you showing me this,” I ask as I shuffle their tarot deck.

Because they want you to know, the cards tell me.  They want you to know how far back their bond goes, and how deep it is.  They want you to know you will never be asked to chose between them; they love each other as much as they love you.

“How will this impact our future,” I ask.

Let your relationships grow and flourish on their own, is the response.  Don’t worry about perfectly balancing everything between them [my two Beloveds]; let things change and shift as they will.  Let your relationships grow as they need to.

A Conversation

This is not destiny,
but I like to think that
I would have been at your side
in these moments
no matter what.

Even with screaming nightmares
and everything falling to pieces?
Even with my Heart shattering
like drops of glass? With my going
distant because it’s all–too much?

Yes, even then.  I love you more than
you can possibly know, even across
thousands of years.  I love you across
time and space and even death itself.

You can’t put me
back together 
can’t fill
my scars in with gold
you can’t take my dreams away–

I know that.  You’re not glass, Love.
You’re not worth less shattered.  You don’t
need to change back into who you once were.

But who I am now.  Scars and
trauma and–everything wrong?
You’d love me even then?

You know I do.

I believe you.

Floral And Fading

When I stumbled across this song I immediately put it on my Beloveds’ playlist; it reminded me of them, and it’s a style of music they both like.  I asked them later if there was any deeper meaning to it, since the song would not get out of my head.

It turns out that yes, there is a deeper meaning to this song being important to them.  It’s a song that reminds them of their past.  Sometimes the songs they give me show me small pictures of their shared history, and this is one of them.

Rage in us
Your thirst I’m taking
Pull the plug I’ll keep on shaking
And thrustin’ about your apartment
Drowned on blankets floral and fading
Painful lust, two aching guts
They tear through each other in the mirror
This happy vacation, there’s no motivation
So hold me up

You say you want to chase the moon like fire
Well, together we can fake our own deaths here
Just wanna be alone and watch as you all just disappear

D-d-d-darker now
Kicked out and sleeping in your car
You roll the window down enough to dream and make-believe
Our lights knocked out, turned upside down
And I’m just a stupid motherfucker
Can’t figure it out
I want devil horns
I wanna breathe in your rush
I wanna leap when you want me to fly
But darlin’ I don’t mean to beg
But these thorns on the stem are nearly tearing up my skin

And now you wanna chase the moon like fire
Well, together we can fake our own deaths here
Just wanna be alone and watch as you all just disappear

Close your eyes
Picture you and I
Selling daylight for gasoline

So now we’re gonna chase the moon like fire
Yeah, together we can fake our own deaths here
Just wanna be alone and watch as you all just disappear

Just wanna be alone and watch
Why can’t we be alone and watch?