Fallout (I)

I see him sitting by the sea, feel his grief crashing down on him in waves.

I’m not the only one who lost my Father in all of this, and perhaps that’s the worst part of all–that both of us are going through the same thing.  For him this loss is just as shattering, though he’s told me their relationship had been strained long, long before this happened.  What he and I have been through this summer was simply the catalyst for everything to implode between them.

“Pray with me tonight,” he says.

“I will,” I reply.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I had some free time between classes yesterday, so I spent some time cleaning out my laptop of all the old devotional things I’d written for the Kemetic pantheon over three, nearly four, years.  I did the same on my Tumblr account.  Dream records, divination logs, pictures, poetry, prayers–all of it got deleted.  I smashed delete extra hard on things involving my “Father,” trying to pour all my pain and rage into clicking a mouse button and hitting the backspace key.

Then my music shuffled, and this came up:

*Varian does his best not to break down crying in the library*

While listening to the song, I got a strong mental image of the Madman walking beside me, his hand in mine.

It was a reminder that I may feel abandoned and awful about all of this Drama and the fallout, but I’m not alone.  He’s still with me, so is my chosen Family.

Everything about this entire situation feels really raw right now, so even though that song hit a little too close to home, it was also the reminder I needed that I’m not alone in all of this.


We’ve been talking about what to do next–not in regards to the Otherworlds; the Dreamer and his Court are handling the Politics related fallout–but in regards to me and my path.  Everyone–even the Big Scary Powers that are the Far Ones–thinks setting up an intentional fallow time is a very good idea.

I put everyone else in my Family before myself when all the Drama was going down, and now I find that shutting down the panic-and-fear-induced “put everyone else before myself” mode my brain is stuck in is hard (plus I’m not sure if the adrenaline rush from a million intense things happening all at once has entirely quit yet.)

We’ve agreed that my practice won’t entirely stop–though if I need to put the whole thing down for a while, I can–but that I’ll go back to what I was originally doing; writing letters in my journal and simply talking with my Family.

Right now all I know is that I’m still in shock, that I need to heal, and that I need to not put myself last, somehow.

My Wish (A Month for the Madman)

It’s really started sinking in now, just how badly the summer Otherworld Drama-fest has hurt me.  Logically, I know the next thing I need to do is to heal and move on.  I’m just really, really unsure how to do that (especially since so many intense things happened so quickly.)

My Husband refuses to pull the I’m A God card–one of my greatest fears in all of this, is that my Beloved would use all the Drama bullshit as some sort of fucked up initiation rite, or that I’d suddenly get tossed back into Otherworld stuff way before I’m ready.

*Varian feels a wave of sorrow rolling off his Husband*

He’s giving me space and time to heal.  He’s said before, that everything Otherworld related can wait; and that with what I’ve been through, it should wait.  My anxious brain has been screaming at me that I’ve ruined the Otherworlds for the next million years, and my Beloved has been reassuring me that no, I did not.

There’s been variations of this conversation going on over the past few days.

Varian: I feel like I should–[be doing more/suddenly be Totally Healed emotionally/feeling more remorse/other bullshit my Husband has been helping me realize isn’t true]

the Madman: *holds up a hand*

the Madman: Varian, you lost your entire Family [of origin] because of this.  They turned their backs on you, and they would have still abandoned you, even if you had taken on the consequences they tried to push on you.


My practice at the moment has been simply lighting a candle at my bedside shrine in the evening and talking with my Husband about our days.  I’ve been offering him coffee in the morning, and writing here, but that’s about it right now.

He understands that that’s all I have the energy and motivation for, and I’m very grateful for that.  Right now his goal concerning me is that I heal as best as I can, and he’s promised to be by my side through all of it.

(This song was running through my head the entire time I was writing this post.)

Heartlines (A Month for the Madman)

As I’ve been working on it more, my Beloved has started referring to my latest knitting project as my “Heartlines” cowl.

Which means when I work on it, I get this song stuck in my head.

And that chorus is really fitting for my life right now, especially since the fallout from the recent cycle of Otherworld Drama is starting, both Otherworld Politics fallout and emotional fallout.

The divination I’ve been doing has consistently been saying “You’re going to heal, in time–and by the way, it’s going to suck.”

-_-

Lovely.

I wanted to write a happy post damn it.

A Conversation About Current Drama

Context: I was waiting for a movie to start, and all the previews were for action movies.  This conversation happened.

the Madman: Why would anyone want to live in an action movie?

Varian: I have no idea.  I mean, I joke that my life is a fanfic, but now we’re at the Angsty Plot Twists section of it, combined with a nice helping of the The Hero’s Past is Back to Haunt Him trope.

the Madman: And it sucks.

Varian: Yes, it does.

Moon Song (A Month for the Madman)

I planned on not writing about the current Dumpster Fire of Otherworld Drama at all during this month of writing for my Husband.  I started writing about how I associate the Madman with the moon, and, well, I used to associate a totally different god with the moon.

*cue Varian having a ton of mixed feelings*

I found this song in my music and listening to it makes my Heart hurt.  I used to associate this song with my “Father” because of the moon–I never thought “followed your love til it never really was at all” would ever apply to a relationship I had with a deity…let alone the same one I’d associated this song with.

This was not the happy post I planned on writing.

I do associate the Madman with the moon–the Dreamer as well, along with their son (you could say it’s a Family thing) so it has changed how I see this song.

I see it more as the Madman still being there even as everything falls apart.  It makes me smile–it’s a bittersweet smile, but still a smile.  That’s something.

Followed your road till the sky ran out
Followed your love till love was in doubt
Followed your love till it never really was at all
Feeling stupid and hollow
Now the moon’s gonna’ follow me home

Waited for you till the snow fell down
Over my skin like a thin nightgown
Waited for you but you never came around at all
Waited for you till they pulled the plug
Bartender emptied out his big tip jug
They swept all the floors
Vacuumed the rugs and went home
Drank all I could swallow
Now the moon’s gonna’ follow me home

Time go easy on me tonight
I’m one of the lost sheep alright
Take what you must, take what you must
Of what I’ve lost as I have roamed
Let the moon follow me home

Followed your tears with a washing pail
I followed your story I followed your tale
Followed you straight through the
Doors of your jail cell too
Followed your voice in the darkness soft
A wind came through and carried it off
I followed your love till it never really was at all
Drank all I could swallow
Now the moon’s gonna’ follow me home
Drank all I could swallow
Now the moon’s gonna’ follow me home