Today we dance,
we celebrate joy.
The streets are lit
with white lanterns,
flames whispering Hope.
Today we feast
with family and friends
we hold our loved ones close
knowing that we share our Light.
Today we light fires
of iridescent flame
that all our burdens
may be brought
into the Light.
I can sense it creeping closer
the time of Masks, the Hunt,
that desperate Ride to Autumn.
White lanterns are hung around the square,
the markets, the docks, the temples, that
iridescent flame that whispers there is hope.
I will light the sandstone streets;
oh Beasts of Outer Darkness
turn your eyes away from us.
Spring is here, the harvest,
the mountains and valleys
alive with song and fruit.
The light is slowly fading
to the heat of Summer, to the
Festival of Hearts, in which we
gather our loved ones close
for soon the Hunt shall ride
and Love will be our only Light.
I have times when I wish I could give up Here for There–I recognize that it’s driven by emotion, and that many of my loved ones are There. I do have the ability to travel Over There, but that’s not something I do outside of dreams very often, precisely because I can so easily see myself neglecting my life Here for my life There. In the past I have done that…and it was an absolutely terrifying realization when it hit me just how much of my life was dedicated to Otherworld stuff; it was terrifying because I was so, so out of balance.
I do have a split life–there’s another version of me who lives in the Otherworlds full time, but I’m not always “tuned in” to Him. I merge with Him (for lack of a better term) when I’m Over There, even if it’s just a quick check in to see how things are going. I used to wanted to blend my Otherworld self and life Over There with my life Here as much as possible, but now I know that’s not an option for me–due to the way my mental health stuff works, it’s best I maintain separation between the two.
The people I deal with There may address me as [my Other Self], but they also acknowledge that I’m incarnate and have a life Here to tend to. They actively encourage me to focus on my life Here, it’s not a grudging “you really belong more to the Otherworlds” type of backhanded encouragement. More often lately the time I’ve spent with my f/Family and f/Friends has been Here, and it’s been very casual–last night the Dreamer was working on a painting while I worked on my homework, and we just spent time together listening to music.
This song used to mostly remind me of Darkness [the Dreamer’s Realm] but it’s also begun to remind me of my life Here as well. I’ll listen to it when the “I wish I could give up Here for There” thoughts start up, then go do something to distract myself. I do have a playlist of songs that remind me of the Otherworlds, but I’ve found that maximizing my “I miss my loved ones There” feelings isn’t a good thing for me to do.
This is much more serious than what I expected to write when my Spouse gave me that song as a prompt. However, writing all this out has been helpful, and has helped me see how much progress I’ve made in the past few months.
We are a family of scapegoats and would-be sacrifices,
a legacy that comes with a cost of damnation, and our rage
is great, and we mourn the family that could have been.
Fire has burned away the “greater good,” but still My son dreams
of his Father drowning, still the rage for those who have been broken
rises in Me, still the sorrow of betrayal and of ribbons burning lingers.
A new dawn has risen, yet again mourning hits Me–and you once said
I would die, in your cryptic fucking song–the only death to happen was
My grief–I have dyed My hair black, to erase you and your violence.
I walk through sandstone streets, King of those you would have broken;
I hear the laughter of children, talk with My Ally and Friend over coffee,
there is peace, Spring is here; your legacy of pain is being undone by Love.
I have had enough of the broken Hearts
of nightmares, anxiety, and fear.
Please have things be slowing down
that the only drama I deal with is
my son’s band arguing over logo designs
I want the only chaos I deal with
to be Jake’s younger cousins deciding
to dye their hair, and turning the bathroom
into a riot of neon colors and laughter.
Things Over There are continuing to Not Slow Down, and this poem is my attempt to write out all my frustrations and worries.
What is the line between upheaval,
general Otherworld fuckery,
and my discernment being off?
My anxiety screams that being pushed away,
pushed back Here, is a test to make me go in
further–and yet that makes no rational sense.
Where is the line, when do things go from upheaval,
to my discernment being overblown and possible
manipulation–but surely if it was the last one–
I would be needed Right Away, it would be yet another
bullshit Chosen One line about saving Darkness–not
being pushed back Here and told to say Here
because my emotional health is fragile.
I would be drawn even deeper Over There,
not told to ground and hold on to my mortal Beloved.
I’ve sat in the City of Lights and let the ordinary people
flow around me, and yet I am somber as tragedy presses
down upon my mind–I have no role in this, but still it makes
my Heart ache, and the Far Ones are correct, that I am
burning up–burning out–again, but how do I not do that?
How do I keep my Heart from becoming nothing but ashes?